"Who's On The Air?"
© K3FT 2003
(Scene opens. Curtain lifts to show Abbott and Costello talking to one another)
C-I heard you were on the air last night.
A- Yep, I was. I was on A-1......
C - A-1?
A-Yeah. C-W on the air.
C - Hang on. First you said a One. Now you are telling me you
see W on the air? Better get your eyes checked.
You can't see W on the air! It's RADIO, not TV!
A- TV? I'm not talking about TV! I'm talking about
A-1.... C-W on the air! It's C-W.
C- See W? Who is W? ... (pause as Abbot starts to answer)..
HANG ON!! UH UH! I'm NOT going back to baseball!
I already KNOW who's on first, so don't start THAT again! OK.
You see W on the radio which has no pictures and it's a one too!?
A- Baseball? Who said anything about baseball?
I"m talking radio here! Now, There is NO A-1-2.
That doesn't exist. There is A-2, but no A-1-2!
C - Wait a minute! NOW there is a two AND a ONE?
Next thing you know you'll tell me that make a three!?
A- There's A-1 and A-2 and an A-3!
C - Now your talking like Lawrence Welk!
Stick to the subject. Is W on the air or not
and how can you see him?
A- Lawrence Welk? That's music.
You know we can't transmit music! Look, A-1 is C-W.
A-2 is a different C-W. A-3 is talking on phone!
C- (splutters in exasperation) A three is phone?
Wait a minute! Look, this is getting all jumbled up.
Just give me the facts and I'll be fine.
A- OH! You want the fax! THAT'S A-4!
C- (sotto voce- NOW he's talking about a four!
The facts are a four? Ok. Let me see if I have this right.
A one is see W. There's no a music, but there IS a one
and a two and a three. Now you tell me that if I want the
facts I have to have a four!
A- That's right! NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT!
C- (waves hands in desperation, voice rising)
NOW I'm getting it? All I'm getting is a headache!
If I want see W I have to have a one! If I want phone
I have to have a three. If I want facts I have to have a four!
This is crazy enough to be on TV!!!
A- (Smiles and nods his head) AHH! TV! that's A-5!!
C- (begins to mumble and splutter and gets a look of
gas pains on his face as curtain drops)