Ham Radio Jokes

[KD7LDH]

Jokes

You got Ham radio Issues when:

When someone tells you some bulls**t you reply "You're blowing smoke up my coax"

When Someone says something stupid you reply "Your grounding switch (or some other radio element like coax, amp, etc) must be broken"

You wonder every morning at work... Did I leave the soldering iron on?

You find yourself thinking in cw - dit dah dit dit

At local parties and bars you find yourself uncontrollably mumbling cq cq cq

When you get less than 4 hours sleep and have a big business meeting during the meeting people start looking at you funny and asking if everthing is ok... later your boss tells you they had to escort out of the meeting because you just kept saying cq cq cq and tapping morse code... You have no memory of this all you remember is having a bad dream that you just kept calling cq and no one replied.


You instinctivly pull over and check your antennas everytime before and after going through an area with a Low Clearance (IE Tunnel) even when you are a passenger in someone elses car

When you book a hotel room your decision on which hotel is solely based on if you can put out an antenna and if it is a good spot.

You are a CBer When:

You write the USDOJ about Yaesu putting a discriminator circut in there radios


You think if you tune to 144 Mhz you can talk 144 miles exactly

You think Kilohertz is the metric standard and Megahertz is the US Standard

# # # # # # # # # # # #
Add more jokes here

[WA6CAW]

My Gonset Communicator II is a joke!

[W3SY]

You're a ham if you sit around trying to figure out how to work DX on your cordless phone.

You're a ham if you check a potential new car for rig and antenna mounting possibilities even before you take it for a test drive.

You're a ham if, whenever you visit ANYONE'S house, you look at the height and spacing of trees for dipole stringing potential.

You're a ham if, when someone asks you to spell your last name, you do it with phonetics. (Sierra Charlie Hotel Echo India November Bravo....)

You're a ham if, when you are watching a movie that shows someone operating a radio, you will loudly and indignantly proclaim the inaccuracies in the portrayal.

Oh by the way -- sometimes I do think in Morse code. No lie. Sad, huh?

3SY

[WA6CAW]

CONTRIBUTIONS OF EDSEL MURPHY
TO THE UNDERSTANDING
OF THE BEHAVIOR OF INANIMATE OBJECTS


INTRODUCTION
It has long been considered that the contributions of Edsel Murphy, specifically his general and special laws delineating the behavior of inanimate objects, have not been fully appreciated. It is deemed that this is, in large part, due to the inherent simplicity of the law itself.
The intent here is to show that the law of Edsel Murphy has produced numerous corollaries. It is hoped that by noting these examples, the reader may obtain a greater appreciation of Edsel Murphy, his law, and its ramifications in engineering and science.
As is well known to those well versed in state-of –the – art, Murphy’s Law states that” If any thing can go wrong, it will”.
Some authorities have held that Murphy’s Law was first expounded by H. Cohen when he stated, “ if anything can go wrong, it will – during the demonstration”.
To show the all-pervasive nature of Murphy’s work, here is a small sample of the application of the law in electronics engineering.

GENERAL ENGINEERING

1.) A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application made by an independent worker.
2.) The more innocuous a design change appears, the further its influence will extend.
3.) All warranty and guarantee clauses become void upon payment of invoice.
4.) The necessity of making a design change increases as the fabrication of the system approaches completion.
5.) Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule.
6.) Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight squared.
7.) An important instruction or operating manual will have been discarded by the receiving department.
8.) Suggestions made by the Value Analysis group will increase costs and reduce capabilities.
9.) Original drawings will be mangled by the copy machine.

MATHEMATICS

1.) In any given miscalculation, the fault will never be placed if more than one person is involved.
2.) Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the direction that will do the most damage to the calculation.
3.) All constants are variables.



4.) In any given computation, the figure that is most obviously correct will be the source of error.
5.) A decimal will always be misplaced.
6.) In a complex calculation, one factor from the numerator will always move into the denominator.

PROTOTYPING AND PRODUCTION

1.) Any wire cut to length, will be too short.
2.) Tolerances will accumulate uni -directionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.
3.) Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical in the field.
4.) The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need for that component.
5.) If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 components in stock.
6.) If a particular resistance is needed, that value will not be available. Further, it cannot be developed with any available series or parallel combination.
7.) A dropped tool will land where it can do the most damage. (Also known as selective gravitation).
8.) A device selected at random from a group having 99.99% reliability, will be a member of the .001% group.
9.) When one connects a 3-phase line, the sequence will be wrong.
10.) A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
11.) The probability of a dimension being omitted from a drawing is directly proportional to its importance.
12.) Interchangeable parts won’t.
13.) Probability of failure of a component, assembly, subsystem, or system, is inversely proportional to the ease of repair or replacement.
14.) If a prototype functions perfectly, subsequent production units will malfunction.
15.) Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be.
16.) A dc meter will be used on an overly sensitive range and connected backwards.
17.) The most delicate component will be dropped.
18.) Graphic recorders will deposit more ink on people than on paper.
19.) If a circuit cannot fail, it will.
20.) A fail-safe circuit will destroy others
21.) An instantaneous power supply crowbar circuit will operate too late.
22.) A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
23.) A self-starting oscillator won’t.
24.) A crystal oscillator will oscillate at the wrong frequency……if it oscillates.
25.) A pnp transistor will be an npn.
26.) A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
27.) A purchased instrument or component will meet its specs only long enough to pass incoming inspection.




28.) After the last of the 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
29.) After the access cover has been secured by the 16 screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
30.) After an instrument has been fully assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
31.) Hermetic seals will leak.

SPECIFYING

1.) Specified environmental conditions will always be exceeded.
2.) Any safety factor set as a result of practical experience will be exceeded.
3.) In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus – or – minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all errors adding in the same direction.
4.) In any given price estimate, cost of the equipment will exceed the estimate by a factor of 3 X 10 to the 20th power.
5.) In specifications, Murphy’s Law will supersede Ohm’s law.


*In some cases, the reference material given was misplaced during the preparation of this document (another example of Murphy’s Law). In accordance with the law, these misplaced documents will turn up on the date of the publication of this document.

** The man who developed one of the most profound concepts of the 21st century is practically unknown to most engineers. He is a victim of his own law. Destined for a secure place in the engineering hall of fame, something went wrong.
His real contribution lay not merely in the discovery of the law but more in its universality and its impact. The law itself, though inherently simple, has formed a foundation on which future generations will build.
In fact, the law first came to him in all its simplicity, when his bride-to-be informed him of the impending birth of an heir to the family fortunes.

***This article copied from the IEEE Journals circa 1960.

[K9STH]

The only thing to add to the Edsel Murphy treatsie is the fact that there really is a Mr. Murphy. At least there is a Murphy who has been interviewed on various history type television programs. Supposedly, back in the early days of World War II, he made constant references to the fact that "if anything can go wrong, it will". His co-workers finally started referring to this as "Murphy's Law".

There have been numerous other articles on this subject published in various magazines, etc., not withstanding QST.

From the QST article things like "a back ordered tube will arrive with an open filamant"; "if a quantity of 'N' parts are needed for construction of a project, 'N-1' will be in stock"; "a dropped tool will land wherever the most damage will occur - otherwise known as the law of selective gravitation". And so on.

The only problem is that Murphy's Law is not a joke!

Glen, K9STH

[N3MVF]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (WA6CAW @ Oct. 03 2002,13:07)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">CONTRIBUTIONS OF EDSEL MURPHY
TO THE UNDERSTANDING
OF THE BEHAVIOR OF INANIMATE OBJECTS


INTRODUCTION
It has long been considered that the contributions of Edsel Murphy, specifically his general and special laws delineating the behavior of inanimate objects, have not been fully appreciated. #It is deemed that this is, in large part, due to the inherent simplicity of the law itself.
The intent here is to show that the law of Edsel Murphy has produced numerous corollaries. #It is hoped that by noting these examples, the reader may obtain a greater appreciation of Edsel Murphy, his law, and its ramifications in engineering and science.
As is well known to those well versed in state-of –the – art, Murphy’s Law states that” If any thing can go wrong, it will”.
Some authorities have held that Murphy’s Law was first expounded by H. Cohen when he stated, “ if anything can go wrong, it will – during the demonstration”.
To show the all-pervasive nature of Murphy’s work, here is a small sample of the application of the law in electronics engineering.

GENERAL ENGINEERING

1.) A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application made by an independent worker.
2.) The more innocuous a design change appears, the further its influence will extend.
3.) All warranty and guarantee clauses become void upon payment of invoice.
4.) The necessity of making a design change increases as the fabrication of the system approaches completion.
5.) Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule.
6.) Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight squared.
7.) An important instruction or operating manual will have been discarded by the receiving department.
8.) Suggestions made by the Value Analysis group will increase costs and reduce capabilities.
9.) Original drawings will be mangled by the copy machine.

MATHEMATICS

1.) In any given miscalculation, the fault will never be placed if more than one person is involved.
2.) Any error that can creep in, will. #It will be in the direction that will do the most damage to the calculation.
3.) All constants are variables.



4.) In any given computation, the figure that is most obviously correct will be the source of error.
5.) A decimal will always be misplaced.
6.) In a complex calculation, one factor from the numerator will always move into the denominator.

PROTOTYPING AND PRODUCTION

1.) Any wire cut to length, will be too short.
2.) Tolerances will accumulate uni -directionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.
3.) Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical in the field.
4.) The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need for that component.
5.) If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 components in stock.
6.) If a particular resistance is needed, that value will not be available. #Further, it cannot be developed with any available series or parallel combination.
7.) A dropped tool will land where it can do the most damage. (Also known as selective gravitation).
8.) A device selected at random from a group having 99.99% reliability, will be a member of the .001% group.
9.) When one connects a 3-phase line, the sequence will be wrong.
10.) A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
11.) The probability of a dimension being omitted from a drawing is directly proportional to its importance.
12.) Interchangeable parts won’t.
13.) Probability of failure of a component, assembly, subsystem, or system, is inversely proportional to the ease of repair or replacement.
14.) If a prototype functions perfectly, subsequent production units will malfunction.
15.) Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be.
16.) A dc meter will be used on an overly sensitive range and connected backwards.
17.) The most delicate component will be dropped.
18.) Graphic recorders will deposit more ink on people than on paper.
19.) If a circuit cannot fail, it will.
20.) A fail-safe circuit will destroy others
21.) An instantaneous power supply crowbar circuit will operate too late.
22.) A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
23.) A self-starting oscillator won’t.
24.) A crystal oscillator will oscillate at the wrong frequency……if it oscillates.
25.) A pnp transistor will be an npn.
26.) A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
27.) A purchased instrument or component will meet its specs only long enough to pass incoming inspection.




28.) After the last of the 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
29.) After the access cover has been secured by the 16 screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
30.) After an instrument has been fully assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
31.) Hermetic seals will leak.

SPECIFYING

1.) Specified environmental conditions will always be exceeded.
2.) Any safety factor set as a result of practical experience will be exceeded.
3.) In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus – or – minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all errors adding in the same direction.
4.) In any given price estimate, cost of the equipment will exceed the estimate by a factor of 3 X 10 to the 20th power.
5.) In specifications, Murphy’s Law will supersede Ohm’s law.


*In some cases, the reference material given was misplaced during the preparation of this document (another example of Murphy’s Law). #In accordance with the law, these misplaced documents will turn up on the date of the publication of this document.

** The man who developed one of the most profound concepts of the 21st century is practically unknown to most engineers. He is a victim of his own law. #Destined for a secure place in the engineering hall of fame, something went wrong.
His real contribution lay not merely in the discovery of the law but more in its universality and its impact. #The law itself, though inherently simple, has formed a foundation on which future generations will build.
In fact, the law first came to him in all its simplicity, when his bride-to-be informed him of the impending birth of an heir to the family fortunes.

***This article copied from the IEEE Journals circa 1960.[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
8.) A device selected at random from a group having 99.99% reliability, will be a member of the .001% group.


LOL, that one really cracked me up&#33; Also, the looking at ANYONE&#39;s tree&#39;s for dipole configuration is something I am guilty. I think &quot;If only I could....&quot;

73
Greg

[VA7KBH]

The one that gets me is the Murphy&#39;s Law of Math 3: &quot;All constants are variables.&quot;

I had an algebra test today.

VA7KBH
where v = 6.....

[N0KLT]

At all times keep this in mind, Murphy was an optimist.


73

Gary NØKLT

[KG4UKF]

someone told me this joke years ago.

robin: I got my ham license
chris: really?
robin: yep I got my drivers license went out to the store and bought some ham

sort of dumb but is funny in its on way

heres another
someone saw my ht once and thought i was on the fire department. they asked me was i on the fire department, and I told them no, that was my 2 meter ham radio. They come back to me with a smart remark, &quot;what about a balonie (sorry im a bad speller) radio. I gave them a stupid remark back. NO, its not a cb radio.

also, the higest voltage wire/componet will find its way dirrectly under my screwdriver.