JOKE THREAD REDUX

[WA5KRP]

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total
silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do
to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling lost. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised
himself.

Suddenly, through the dark shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing by the fence alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Anxiously, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key, and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know #### about cars!"

[K7JBQ]

What on earth was a British car doing in west Texas?

That horse sure knew his Lucas fuel pumps.

73,
Bill

[N7AAO]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (K7JBQ @ July 28 2004,12:15)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">What on earth was a British car doing in west Texas?[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
Breaking down, obviously. It was a British car, after all.

[KA4DPO]

Favorite Bumper sticker:

The reason Britts drink warm beer is because Lucas made their refridgerators.

[W2LYS]

Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle



10. Being told to &quot;think outside the box&quot; when you're in a freakin' box all day long.


09. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.


08. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.


07. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.


06. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.


05. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.


04. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.


03. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.


02. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.


And the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle is...


01. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.

[K7JBQ]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (KA4DPO @ July 28 2004,12:22)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Favorite Bumper sticker:

The reason Britts drink warm beer is because Lucas made their refridgerators.[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
Had a bumper sticker a while back

The Lucas Switch (art: 3-position switch)

Labels:

Dim
Flicker
Off

73,
Bill

[KF0RT]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (KA4DPO @ July 28 2004,13:22)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Favorite Bumper sticker:

The reason Britts drink warm beer is because Lucas made their refridgerators.[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
The reason Brits don't make computers is that they haven't figured out how to make one leak oil.

(Love the Brits, honest!!!http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif

[W4ROT]

Sorry..had to do it.
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

[K9STH]

You know where the person who owns a British car lives, by the oil spots in the driveway!

My eldest daughter had first an MGB and then a TR-6 after the MGB got broadsided by a Ford F-150. I drove the MGB home. The Ford got towed! She still has the TR-6 plus three Mazda Miatas. She has had as many as 5 Miatas at one time!

From a placemat that a former insurance agent gave my daughter when she was driving the MGB:

Place under vehicle when parked for the night. Remove in the morning. If covered with oil it is safe to drive the vehicle. If no oil present, DO NOT DRIVE the vehicle, the oil sump is empty!

Two placemats are needed for Rolls Royce vehicles.


You have not &quot;lived&quot; until you have driven a vehicle with Lucas &quot;Flamethrowers&quot;! My senior year in college I had a Triumph 10 &quot;Estate Wagon&quot;. It came from the factory with &quot;Flamethrowers&quot;. At night if someone &quot;flashed&quot; their headlights indicating that I needed to take mine from high (I virtually never drove with the &quot;Flamethrowers&quot; on high) I would &quot;flash&quot; my lights. For some reason the other vehicle would lower their beams very fast and not go to high until well past me! The same thing if I &quot;flashed&quot; my headlights when the on-coming vehicle had their lights on high. I never lost an &quot;argument&quot; on who had the brightest headlights!

Glen, K9STH

[W6EZ]

I owned both a TR-4 and a TR-6 and NEVER had any electrical problems with them!

Lucas flamethrowers, ahhh the fond memories!


You guys bashing British cars need to quit.
Bash something french. renauts are good.
The french war record is better.

[WA5KRP]

How to spot a rich guy:



http://rock103.com/crew/pics/howtospotarichguy.jpg

[K8ERV]

KRP in Cincinnatti: Rich guy-- I screen captured it and am sending it to everyone in the world!!!

TOM K8ERV Montrose Colo

[N7AAO]

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

(Credit where credit is due: Joke courtesy ChristiansUnite's clean joke archive: http://jokes.christiansunite.com/)

[W2LYS]

Donny had finally reached the position he had dreamed of: chief metallurgist at UCLA. And he had done it with the aid of his father's advice. He had made a major breakthrough in developing cold smelting by using a large tank of distilled water and electricity - his father had told him to always keep his ores in the water.

[W2LYS]

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

[K7JBQ]

EZ,

I feel qualified to bash the Brits after owning:

2 TRs (Herald and TR-6)
2 Jaguars (XK-120 and Mark IX)
2 Lotuses (18 and 61)

Also 3 Frog GTs (2 Renault, 1 Citroen), so can agree with you on that one.

As for the fabulous Brit war record, it was mostly achieved against the French, not counting those minor episodes where US assistance was required.

Back to cars, remember Dick O'Kane's wonderful tome called &quot;How to Repair Your Foreign Car?&quot; The Brit chapter was titled, &quot;Why, When Britannia Rules the Waves, Will Her Cars Not Go Through a Mud Puddle.&quot; As for their friends across the channel, it was &quot;The French. Ah, the French. Who Can Understand the French?&quot;

73,
Bill

[W6EZ]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (K7JBQ @ July 28 2004,12:47)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">EZ,

I feel qualified to bash the Brits after owning:

2 TRs (Herald and TR-6)
2 Jaguars (XK-120 and Mark IX)
2 Lotuses (18 and 61)

Also 3 Frog GTs (2 Renault, 1 Citroen), so can agree with you on that one.

As for the fabulous Brit war record, it was mostly achieved against the French, not counting those minor episodes where US assistance was required.

Back to cars, remember Dick O'Kane's wonderful tome called &quot;How to Repair Your Foreign Car?&quot; The Brit chapter was titled, &quot;Why, When Britannia Rules the Waves, Will Her Cars Not Go Through a Mud Puddle.&quot; As for their friends across the channel, it was &quot;The French. Ah, the French. Who Can Understand the French?&quot;

73,
Bill[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
There was a movie, Cannonball run, I think that had two &quot;Anglophiles&quot; working on a Jag all throught he movie and making remarks about what a fine machine it was but I don't remember them driving it. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

I guess I never got over British cars as I still have an old Lola and am still looking for the right Lotus Europa big valve.

[K7JBQ]

EZ,

Yep, one of the few bright spots in Mr. Yates otherwise dismal screenplay.

I should add, now that the statute of limitations has run out, that I ran the Cannonball in 1979. Finished 26th in a field of 43, 41 hours flat.

And the real story of what happened on that wacky weekend in March was much funnier than the movie.

73,
Bill

[KD7WHQ]

I'm reading his book right now, and here is a guy who actually RAN in the Cannonball Memorial!
Sheez http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif

So, anyone beat the time of the Ferrari that beat Yates' record in 1975?

[WA5KRP]

Stupid Dog (http://rock103.thedataco.com/video/rock103/stupiddog.wmv)


Amazing Dog (http://rock103.thedataco.com/video/rock103/skateboarddog.wmv)

[W2LYS]

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was &quot;The Best.&quot; The arguing became so heated the four service men failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, &quot;Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?&quot;

Saint Peter replied, &quot;I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven.&quot;

Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:

MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE

TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines

SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best

1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.

2. Each serves America well and with distinction.

3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.

4. Always be proud of that.

Warm regards,

GOD, USAF (Retired)

Have a Great Air Force Day!

[WA5KRP]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a Cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar with the Star of David. &quot;My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country! People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you -- especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Cross! In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.&quot;

The beggar turns to the other one with the cross. &quot;Moishe, look who's teaching the Levine Brothers about marketing!&quot;

[WA5KRP]

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Henry loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finally Ernie looks around and asks, &quot;So, who's gonna' tell his wife?&quot; They draw cards. Joe picks the lowest. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

&quot;Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.&quot;

Joe goes over to Henry's apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Joe declares: &quot;Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.&quot;

&quot;Tell him to drop dead!&quot;, says the wife.

&quot;Yes ma'am. I'll go tell him right away.&quot;

[K7JBQ]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (KD7WHQ @ July 29 2004,17:12)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">I'm reading his book right now, and here is a guy who actually RAN in the Cannonball Memorial!
Sheez http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif

So, anyone beat the time of the Ferrari that beat Yates' record in 1975?[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
Yep, in 1979. Dave Heinz and Dave Yarborough, Jaguar XJS, 32 hours 53 minutes, if I recall correctly.

The interesting thing about it is that Jaguar, despite Mike Dale's objections, did its best to hush it all up, since those of us who ran the event were considered (with some justification (grin)) to be a bunch of outlaws.

In fact, my boss at the time at AAA fired me for running it, but HIS boss over-ruled him.

73,
Bill

[W2LYS]

A blonde named Pam is appearing on &quot;Who Wants To Be A Millionaire&quot; with Regis Philbin.

Regis: &quot;Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?&quot;

Pam: &quot;Yes.&quot;

Regis: &quot;Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush?&quot;

Pam: &quot;I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol.&quot;

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: &quot;Hello?&quot;

Regis: &quot;Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's...&quot;

Pam: &quot;Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush?&quot;

Carol: &quot;Oh, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo.&quot;

Pam: &quot;Are you sure?&quot;

Carol: &quot;I'm sure.&quot;

Regis: &quot;Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?&quot;

Pam: &quot;I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo.&quot;

Regis: &quot;Is that your final answer?&quot;

Pam: &quot;Yes.&quot;

Regis: &quot;Are you confident?&quot;

Pam: &quot;Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart.&quot;

Regis: &quot;You said C) cuckoo... and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!&quot;

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're celebrating, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, &quot;Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?&quot;

&quot;That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks.&quot;

[W4ROT]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. &quot;How did this
happen?&quot; the emergency room doctor asked her. &quot;Well, I was trying to commit suicide,&quot; the blonde replied. &quot;What?&quot; sputtered the doctor. &quot;You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?&quot; &quot;No, Silly!&quot;
the blonde said.
&quot;First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.&quot;
&quot;So then?&quot; asked the doctor. &quot;Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.&quot; &quot;So then?&quot;
&quot;Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.&quot;

[WA5KRP]

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing five dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, &quot;I worked all last week with a crew building a house.&quot;

&quot;My goodness gracious,&quot; said the teller, &quot;and will you be working on the house again this week, too?&quot;

The little girl replied, &quot;I will if those useless bastards at the lumber yard ever bring us the f**king drywall.&quot;

[WA5KRP]

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and heck, we're not using it anymore.

[WA5KRP]

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, &quot;Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!&quot;, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said, &quot;Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!&quot; before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, &quot;Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love.&quot;

The police chief smiled and said, &quot;Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK.&quot;

&quot;Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!&quot;

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed, &quot;Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!&quot;

To which Pierre replied, &quot;Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.&quot;

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, &quot;NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!&quot;

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, &quot;Mon dieu!&quot; grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, &quot;Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!&quot;

[N7AAO]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

&quot;Certainly madam,&quot; he replied courteously.

&quot;Is the restaurant open still?&quot; inquired Mary.

&quot;Sorry, no,&quot; came the reply, &quot;but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?&quot;

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. &quot;Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,&quot; said Mary.

&quot;Certainly, madam,&quot; he replied.

&quot;And can I have breakfast in bed?&quot; asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

&quot;In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,&quot; Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

&quot;Morning, madam. Sleep well?&quot;

&quot;Yes, thank you,&quot; Mary replied.

&quot;Food to your liking?&quot;

&quot;Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all,&quot; replied Mary truthfully.

&quot;Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,&quot; said the receptionist.

&quot;OK, I will...thanks!&quot; replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

&quot;Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocio us!&quot;

[WA5KRP]

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He had scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works.

Finally he asked her, &quot;Does your mother feed you like this at home?&quot;

&quot;No,&quot; she said, &quot;but my mother's not looking to get into my panties.&quot;

[WA5KRP]

A man walks into an ice cream parlor and says &quot;Can I have a pint of chocolate ice cream, please?&quot;

The clerk looks up and says &quot;Sorry sir, but we don't have any chocolate left.&quot;

After careful pondering the man says, &quot;OK, I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream, then.&quot;

The clerk grows frustrated and replies &quot;No, I'm sorry, there IS NO CHOCOLATE.&quot;

The man apologizes and stares at the menu for a while, and then says &quot;Fine, give me just one scoop of chocolate ice cream please.&quot;

The clerk takes a breath and says &quot;Sir, could you please spell STINK, as in chocolate?&quot;

Intriqued, the man starts to say &quot;S-T... hey, wait a minute, there's no 'stink' in chocolate!&quot;

&quot;NOW we understand each other!&quot;

[W2LYS]

Researchers in Chicago were studying congestion on commuter freeways. Their report found that older vehicles in bad condition were most likely to break down and cause traffic backups. Their solution was to limit main freeway access to specially tagged newer vehicles. Older
cars would be directed to car-rotted arteries.

[W8IDB]

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

&quot;WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?&quot;

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:&quot; I've come for some courage.&quot;

&quot;NO PROBLEM!&quot; says the Wizard. &quot;WHO IS NEXT?&quot;

Ronald Reagan steps forward, &quot;Well........., I.......I think I need a brain.&quot;

&quot;DONE&quot; says the Wizard. &quot;WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?&quot;

Up stepped George Bush sadly, &quot;I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.&quot;

&quot;I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!&quot; says the Wizard. &quot;CONSIDER IT DONE.&quot;

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, &quot;WHAT DO YOU WANT?&quot;

&quot;Is Dorothy here?&quot;

[WA5KRP]

http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif Dat's FUNNY!



WA5KRP
Texas

[WA5KRP]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were sitting to one side, eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: &quot;I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that.&quot;

[W4CGP]

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, &quot;How much for a beer?&quot;
The bartender replies, &quot;For you, no charge.&quot;

An atom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him but has second thoughts because he looks like he has had one too many. The bartender says, &quot;I'll serve you this one, but I'm gonna keep an ion you.&quot;

[N7AAO]

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, &quot;Tomorrow rain.&quot;

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, &quot;Tomorrow storm.&quot; The next day there was a hailstorm. &quot;This Indian is incredible,&quot; said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. &quot;I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,&quot; said the director, &quot;and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?&quot;

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. &quot;Don't know,&quot; he said. &quot;Radio is broken.&quot;

[GW4RCM]

Masochist: Whip me whip me hurt me please
Sadist: NO!

[W8IDB]

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran
Church. Lena went every
Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on
Christmas and Easter and once
in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays,
he was in the pew right behind Lena and he
noticed vhat a fine looking
woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole
leaned forward and said,
&quot;Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in
New Ulm next Friday?&quot;

&quot;Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,&quot; said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week
long he polished up his old
Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took
her to the finest
restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and
said, &quot;Hey, Lena, vould
you like a cocktail before dinner?&quot;

&quot;Oh, no, Ole,&quot; said Lena. &quot;Vat vould I tell my
Sunday School class?&quot;

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say
much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a
pack of cigarettes. &quot;Hey,
Lena,&quot; said Ole, &quot;vould you like a smoke?&quot;

&quot;Oh, no, Ole,&quot; said Lena. &quot;Vat vould I tell my
Sunday School class?&quot;

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so
he yust got in his Ford
and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot
Springs Motel. He'd
struck out twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose.

&quot;Hey, Lena,&quot; said Ole, &quot;how vould you like to
stop at that motel with me?&quot;

&quot;Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,&quot; said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a
U-turn right then and there
across the median and everything, and drove back
to the motel and checked
in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at
Lena lying there in the
bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. &quot;Vat
have I done? Vat have I
done?&quot; thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. &quot;Lena, I've got to

ask you von ting,&quot; said
Ole. &quot;Vat are you going to tell your Sunday
School class?&quot;

&quot;Lena said, &quot;The same ting I alvays tell dem. You

don't have to smoke and
drink to have a good time!&quot;

[WA5KRP]

On his first official engagement, President Bush rides with the Queen in a carriage of state. All of a sudden the rearmost horse breaks wind.

&quot; I do apologize Mr President,&quot; Said the Queen.

&quot;That's all right Ma'am,&quot; said the President. &quot;I thought it was the horse.&quot;

[N8AAI]

Beer, Golf, Sex &amp; Gambling

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

&quot;If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?&quot;
&quot;No, I had to stop drinking years ago,&quot; the homeless man replied.
&quot;Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?&quot; the man asked.
&quot;No, I don't gamble,&quot; the homeless man said. &quot;I need everything I can get just to stay alive.&quot;
&quot;Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?&quot; the man asked.
&quot;Are you NUTS!&quot; replied the homeless man. &quot;I haven't played golf in 20 years!&quot;
&quot;Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?&quot; the man asked.
&quot;What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!&quot; exclaimed the homeless man.
&quot;Well,&quot; said the man, &quot;I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.&quot;
The homeless man was astounded. &quot;Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.&quot;
The man replied, &quot;That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.&quot;

[W2LYS]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside tragically dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. &quot;I want to be gorgeous,&quot; and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says &quot;I want to be gorgeous too.&quot; Another snap of His fingers and the
wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this
last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: &quot;Make 'em all ugly again&quot;.

SO........................................... THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'................BE HAPPY.

[W8IDB]

Laura Bush bought her husband a parrot for his birthday,
and told Dick Cheney, &quot;The bird is so smart! George has
already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!&quot;

&quot;That's impressive, all right,&quot; Cheney said. &quot;But you realize
that he just says the words, right? He doesn't understand
what they mean.&quot;

&quot;That's okay,&quot; she replied. &quot;Neither does the parrot.&quot;

[W8IDB]

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the
bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked
the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his
pocket, since he has no arms.

Naturally, the bartender obliged him.

The paraplegic patron then asked if the bartender would tip the
glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.

Then the customer asked if the bartender would get a
handkerchief from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented, &quot;It must be very difficult
not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly
everything for you.&quot;

The man replied, &quot;Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By
the way, where is your restroom?&quot;

Without skipping a beat, the bartender quickly replied, &quot;The
closest one is in the Chinese restaurant two miles down the
road.&quot;

[KF0RT]

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. When the pond was built it was properly shaped and fixed up
nicely for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, since he hadn't been there for a while. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he drew closer, he could see a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He politely made his presence be known to the women, and in doing so, he watched as they all went shuffling to the deepest end of the pond.

One of the women shouted out to him, &quot;We're not coming out until You leave!&quot;

To which the old man replied, &quot;Miss, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim in the nude nor did I come here to make you get out of the pond naked. I merely came down to feed the alligator.&quot;


The Moral Of The Story:

Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.
Always has. Always will.

[W2LYS]

A recently retired Nebraska farmer went to Dallas for the first vacation he had taken in his entire working life. He checked into a downtown hotel, but when he got to his room he immediately called the front desk. The farmer said, &quot;This here bed kin sleep the whole Cornhuskers football team! I only wanted a regular-sized bed.&quot;

The clerk responded, &quot;That is a regular size bed, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!&quot; The farmer went to the hotel's bar and ordered a draught beer. When he was served, he said to the bartender, &quot;This is as big as a milkin' pitcher. I only asked for a glass of beer!&quot;

The bartender answered, &quot;That is a glass of beer, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!&quot;

When the waiter in the hotel's dining room brought out the steak the farmer ordered for dinner, the farmer exclaimed, &quot;That steak's as big as my thigh, the baked potato's bigger 'n a watermelon, and this corn-on-a-cob's as big as a baseball bat! Where'd this come from?&quot;

The waiter replied, &quot;It's all local, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!&quot;

When the waiter asked the farmer if he wanted to see the dessert menu, the farmer said he might be able to squeeze something in, but after consuming all that food and drink he needed to use the restroom first. The waiter directed him to go down the hall to the first door on the right.

By this time, the farmer was quite inebriated and mistakenly went through the first door on the left. He walked across the tiled floor and fell into the swimming pool. When the farmer came sputtering to the surface, he yelled out, &quot;For gawd's sakes, please don't flush!&quot;

[GW4RCM]

The biggest beer producers in the world met for a conference.
At the end of they day they adjourned to the bar for a drink
The president of millers naturally orders a millers
The pres of coors orders a coors
The pres of budweisers orders a bud
the barman asks Arthur Guiness what he wants to drink and to everyones amazement he orders tea.
why don't you have a guinness? they all ask in amazement thinking they have stumbled across an embarrissing secret.
nah says Guinness if you guys aren't drinking beer nor shall I
rcm

[W8IDB]

THIS IS A NATIONWIDE BULLETIN.....

A truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked!!

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.......

[W2LYS]

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience. Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said
to the other, &quot;This is the place!&quot; The other replied, &quot;No, it's not!&quot; The first man said, &quot;Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank
on the other side. To which the other man replied, &quot;Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover.&quot;

[WA5KRP]

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.
He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said &quot;Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it.&quot;

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole,he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says &quot;Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green.&quot;

The guy says &quot;Are you out of your mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied.&quot;


Moderator's comment: Remember, no profanity or obscenities on QRZ.com. KRP you KNOW BETTER!

Glen, K9STH

[N7AAO]

One Sunday, a certain preacher decided he needed a day of rest himself, so he called in sick to the church and headed for the golf course.

God, of course, noticed this, and mentioned it to St. Peter. Peter asked God what he was going to do about it. &quot;Oh, I'll punish him. Watch,&quot; was God's response.

On the first hole, the preacher hit a beautiful hole-in-one. Peter looked at God and said, &quot;I thought you were going to punish him!&quot;

God replied, &quot;Who's he going to tell about it?&quot;

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[W2LYS]

We have a new employee at the local Home Depot. He just moved here from Mexico and has proven to be very knowledgeable and helpful to the
sawdust challenged like myself. Yesterday I needed his guidance after ruining several pieces of wood with my newly purchased belt sander. A
fast trip to the store led to the retro question, &quot;Can you tell me the way to sand, Jose?&quot;

[K6PME]

Three Old Ladies at the Ball Game This is a detective story so pay close attention!!! Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Sox baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely while mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.


Based on the given information, what inning is it and
how many players are on base?




Bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.

[W8IDB]

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, &quot;I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.&quot;


An Irish boy put his hand up and said, &quot;Please miss, it was St. Patrick.&quot;

The teacher said, &quot;Sorry Sean, that's not correct.&quot; Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, &quot;Please miss, it was St. Andrew.&quot; The teacher replied, &quot;I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either.&quot; Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, &quot;Please miss, it was Jesus Christ.&quot; The teacher said, &quot;That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and I'll give you your $2.&quot;

As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said &quot;You know Hymie, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ,&quot; to which Hymie replied, &quot;I know miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.&quot;

[W8IDB]

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said:

&quot;Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?&quot;

&quot;Yes, I know,&quot; said the lady, &quot;I need both hands to hold onto this hat.&quot;

&quot;But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!&quot; said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, &quot;Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!&quot;

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (wa5krp @ Aug. 18 2004,12:22)]Moderator's comment: #Remember, no profanity or obscenities on QRZ.com. #KRP you KNOW BETTER!

Glen, K9STH
Oh hell! I copied and pasted but forgot to edit.

My apologies.



WA5KRP
Texas

[WA5KRP]

Did you hear the invisible man married the invisible woman?

Their children weren't much to look at either.




(I'm sorry)

[W8IDB]

Scientists recently announced they will use
lawyers instead of mice for
their experiments for two reasons:
1)The scientists become less attached to the
lawyers.
2)There are some things that even mice won't do.

[WA5KRP]

~~~PREGNANT AT 63!~~~

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was
seen by one of the
new doctors.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room,
she burst out,
screaming
as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the
problem was, and she
told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in
another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the
back where the first
doctor was and demanded, &quot;What's the matter with
you? Mrs. Terry is 63

years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and
you
told her she was pregnant?&quot;

The new doctor continued to write on his
clipboard and without looking

up said, &quot;Does she still have the hiccups?&quot;

[K9STH]

Do you know how many lawyer jokes there are?





Only three, the rest are true stories!

Glen, K9STH

[N7AAO]

Quote[/b] (K9STH @ Aug. 19 2004,13:02)]Do you know how many lawyer jokes there are?

Only three, the rest are true stories!

Glen, K9STH
ROFL, Glen! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

Give Arnie a scratch from me. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

[W2LYS]

Three mice, one from Dallas, one from San Antonio and one from Houston are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Amarillo mouse killed by an eighty year
old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The Dallas mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Houston mouse and says, &quot;When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it
in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.&quot;

The Houston mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Dallas mouse and
replies, &quot;Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.&quot;

The Dallas and Houston mouse then turn to the San Antonio mouse. The San Antonio mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, &quot;I don't have time for this bull. Gotta go home and have sex with the cat.&quot;

[K9STH]

When I worked for Texas Utilities, my office was on the 27th floor and the lawyers were on the 41st floor. They were a separate company but were on permanent retainer by the company. The senior partner was at least 90 years old and he was there almost every day.

Whenever I got a new lawyer joke I would tell it to the attorneys and the secretaries as we rode up or down in the elevator. I asked the senior partner one day if he was offended by lawyer jokes. He replied &quot;I might be if I ever heard one that really wasn't a true story&quot;!

There was a used car lot owner who had been a lawyer. He was being sued by someone who had bought a car from his company and had gotten a real bad deal. On the witness stand his attorney asked him why he had stopped practicing law. The used car salesman replied &quot;I wanted to start getting some respect&quot;! True story, happened in Dallas, Texas, a few years back.

Glen, K9STH

[K7JBQ]

Glen,

One of my sisters is a lawyer. None of my lawyer jokes ever bothered her, until this one:

Q: What's the difference between a woman lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lip gloss.

73,
Bill

[WA5KRP]

http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif DAAAAAAAAAAAANG! That cost me a keyboard!



WA5KRP
Texas

[K9STH]

JBQ:

When did pit bulls start wearing lip gloss?

Glen, K9STH

[K7JBQ]

Glen,
Remember, this is California.

73,
Bill

[W8IDB]

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, &quot;I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work.&quot;

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, &quot;I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public.&quot;

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, &quot;I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system.&quot;

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

[K8EEI]

One evening about 3 AM a woman wakes up and finds her husband is not in #bed. She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. # He
appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

&quot;What is the matter #dear?&quot;, she whispers as she steps into the room,
&quot;Why
are you down here at this time of night?&quot;.

The husband looks up from his coffee, &quot;Do you remember 20 years ago when we

were dating, and you were only 16?&quot; he asks solemnly.
&quot;Yes I do&quot; she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. &quot;Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?&quot;
Yes, I do remember says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. &quot;Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?&quot; #&quot; I remember that too&quot; she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,...........................
&quot;I
would have gotten out today&quot;.
http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/sad.gif #http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[KG6SAJ]

Farmer Joe was driving down the road one day and was suddenly hit by a semi-truck. #A few days later he decided his injuries were serious enough to take the trucking company to court.

In court the trucking companies lawyer started asking Joe some questions:

&quot;Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?&quot; Asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, &quot;Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the....&quot;

&quot;I didn't ask for any details,&quot; the lawyer interrupted, &quot;just answer the question.&quot; &quot;Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!&quot;

Farmer Joe said, &quot;Well I just got ole Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin down the road....&quot;

The lawyer interrupted again and said, &quot;Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.&quot;

By this time the Judge was interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, &quot;I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.&quot;

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, &quot;Well like I was sayin Judge, I had jist loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin her down the road when this huge semi-truck run a stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and poor ole Bessie was thrown plum into the other ditch. I was hurtin real bad and didn't want to move. But, I could hear ole Bessie moanin and groanin. I knowed she was in terrible pain by all the noises she was a makin.

It weren't long after the wreck a Highway Patrolman showed up. He could hear Bessie moanin and groanin so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her right tween the eyes.

Then he came across the road with the gun in his hand and looked at me and said, &quot;Mister, your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her... How're you feelin?&quot;

[GW4RCM]

Appoliges if you've heard this one before.
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a U.S naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfounland.

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to avoid a collision.

American: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadian: Negative. you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

American:This is the Captain of a U.S Navy ship. I say again,divert your course.

Canadian:No I say again, you divert your course.

American:This is the Aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet.
We are are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north or counter measure will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians:This is a lighthouse .your call

No flames please, I'm telling it as I read it
73
Dennis

[K7JBQ]

Dennis,

Yes, I've read it before. It's great.

73,
Bill

[WA6CAW]

Darren and Kylie decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. &quot;There's a car being towed from the parking lot,&quot; he said. &quot;An ambulance just drove by.&quot; A few moments passed.

&quot;Looks like the Anderson's have company,&quot; he called out. &quot;Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.&quot;

Mom and dad shot up in bed. &quot;How do you know that?&quot; the startled father asked.

&quot;Their kid is standing out on the balcony...&quot; his son replied.

[K9STH]

Back in the 1960s when the British and the Americans were flying a lot of training missions together, the Brits would often &quot;taunt&quot; the USAF pilots by calling for an &quot;authentication&quot; that required a &quot;Y Y&quot; response. Of course the British tower would come back with &quot;Yankee Yankee&quot; putting a &quot;kind of pained&quot; emphasis on the words.

After this happened a few times, the USAF pilots would call for an &quot;authentication&quot; from their tower that required an &quot;L L&quot; response. However, instead of using &quot;Lima Lima&quot; per the &quot;regulation&quot; phonetic alphabet, the USAF tower started replying &quot;Limey Limey&quot; in a &quot;pained&quot; voice! It wasn't long before the &quot;Y Y&quot; authentication was shelved.

Glen, K9STH

[GW4RCM]

An Aircraft was flying across the Atlantic with an American #a Frenchman a Brit #and a Mexican on board, when one of the engines failed (must have been a Boeing) The pilot came into the cabin and advised the passengers of the problem and asked for a volunteer to jump out to lighten the load,the Brit promptly jumped out with the cry God save the Queen. A little later another engine failed and the pilot asked for another volunteer to help with the load, the Frenchman jumped out with the cry Vive la France, later still the third engine failed and again the pilot asked for a volunteer the American stood up cried, Remember the Alamo
and kicked out the Mexican
73
Dennis

[KF0RT]

Quote[/b] (gw4rcm @ Aug. 19 2004,19:06)]An Aircraft was flying across the Atlantic with an American #a Frenchman a Brit #and a Mexican on board, when one of the engines failed (must have been a Boeing) The pilot came into the cabin and advised the passengers of the problem and asked for a volunteer to jump out to lighten the load,the Brit promptly jumped out with the cry God save the Queen. A little later another engine failed and the pilot asked for another volunteer to help with the load, the Frenchman jumped out with the cry Vive la France, later still the third engine failed and again the pilot asked for a volunteer the American stood up cried, Remember the Alamo
and kicked out the Mexican
73
Dennis
Geez, Dennis, you SURE you're not a Texan? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[N7AAO]

Quote[/b] (KF0RT @ Aug. 19 2004,19:08)]Quote[/b] (gw4rcm @ Aug. 19 2004,19:06)]An Aircraft was flying across the Atlantic with an American a Frenchman a Brit and a Mexican on board, when one of the engines failed (must have been a Boeing) The pilot came into the cabin and advised the passengers of the problem and asked for a volunteer to jump out to lighten the load,the Brit promptly jumped out with the cry God save the Queen. A little later another engine failed and the pilot asked for another volunteer to help with the load, the Frenchman jumped out with the cry Vive la France, later still the third engine failed and again the pilot asked for a volunteer the American stood up cried, Remember the Alamo
and kicked out the Mexican
73
Dennis
Geez, Dennis, you SURE you're not a Texan? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
I think he is... Texas must have seceeded and the IARU granted them the GW call sign series. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (N7AAO @ Aug. 19 2004,21:11)]I think he is... Texas must have seceeded and the IARU granted them the GW call sign series.
Well how the hellyadoin? Ya'll talk politics in here? Any ya'll black......ah sheeeeeet, errrrrrrrrr Mexican?
http://rock103.com/crew/pics/bush-black-vote.jpg

Wait a minute........what kinda place is this?



GWB
Hellyeyesss, Texas

[N7AAO]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

- On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

- On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

- On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

- Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

- On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

- On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

- On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

- On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

- On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

- On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

- On a kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.

- On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

- On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

- On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

- On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

- On a chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

[W2LYS]

We know about the precipitation in the
Pacific Northwest. One would expect
that because it's Rainier in Washington.

In the Science Museum in Washington's
capital the various rooms are named for
famous scientists. The Men's Rest Room
is the Olympia Newton John.

[N7AAO]

Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ Aug. 20 2004,08:36)]We know about the precipitation in the
Pacific Northwest. #One would expect
that because it's Rainier in Washington.

In the Science Museum in Washington's
capital the various rooms are named for
famous scientists. #The Men's Rest Room
is the Olympia Newton John.
At Pike Place Market in Seattle, the tile in the hallway outside one set of bathrooms has a subtle reminder... in front of one door is an &quot;XX&quot; pattern and in front of the other is &quot;XY&quot;. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[K7JBQ]

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.

One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using autographed (Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. &quot;I give you my blessings for your brave actions,&quot; he told them. &quot;I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own
eyes that this is not true.&quot;

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick &quot;Who was that?&quot;

&quot;It was the Pope,&quot; Dick replied. &quot;He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom.&quot;

&quot;Well,&quot; President Bush said, &quot;he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing................how's the bait holding up?&quot;

[W2LYS]

I Hear Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner have founded a college fraternity. It's called Psi Phi and conforms to all the Greek conventions.

[W4CGP]

There was a blonde who was walking down the street and saw a banana peel and said, &quot;Oh no! Here we go again!&quot;

[W4CGP]

I was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A medical billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to mine. When I called to complain, I was told to get a new number.

&quot;I've had mine for twenty years,&quot; I pleaded. &quot;Couldn't you change yours?&quot;

The company refused.

So I said, &quot;Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that the bill is paid in full.&quot;

The company got a new number the next day.

[WA6CAW]

The latest Lawyer Jokes:


1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of
lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She
has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies
on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only One. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you
afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to
climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 ? Your honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some
things a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets
frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing
tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

And, drum roll please...

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

[N7AAO]

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif Good ones, CAW! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[K4JSR]

Quote[/b] (N7AAO @ Aug. 21 2004,12:05)]http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif Good ones, CAW! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif
Are saying that those were something to &quot;CROW&quot; about?

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

73, Cal K4JSR http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/blues.gif

[N7AAO]

Quote[/b] (K4JSR @ Aug. 21 2004,12:32)]Quote[/b] (N7AAO @ Aug. 21 2004,12:05)]http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif Good ones, CAW! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif
Are saying that those were something to &quot;CROW&quot; about?

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

73, Cal K4JSR http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/blues.gif
Punny, Cal, very punny!

Get thee to a punnery!

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[N7AAO]

Crossbred Dogs

Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.

Bull Terrier x ####zu = Bull####z, a gregarious but unreliable breed.

Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

[WA5KRP]

Dear Diary:
May 30th: Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least its kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the upholstery. The car now smells like Kibbles and sh*ts. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. I'm gonna kill the next guy that says, &quot;But it's a dry heat!&quot; Yeah, so's a freakin' oven!

July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature all the way down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do #### for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, &quot;Hot enough for you today?&quot; My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Freakin' Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.



OUY!

[KB1GYQ]

Quote[/b] (N7AAO @ Aug. 21 2004,16:37)]Crossbred Dogs
...
Bull Terrier x ####zu = Bull####z, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
...
Now who's gone to the dogs?

[GW4RCM]

Dear Sir

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paid job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my two sons perish in the Iraq war.
I lost my home, and my life insurance.

As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants, to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year . Bush has to go.

I just thought you and your readers would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush administration

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Sincerely
Saddam Hussein

[N7AAO]

Quote[/b] (KB1GYQ @ Aug. 21 2004,15:54)]Quote[/b] (N7AAO @ Aug. 21 2004,16:37)]Crossbred Dogs
...
Bull Terrier x ####zu = Bull####z, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
...
Now who's gone to the dogs?
I always thought that was the breed that beer was named after.

Oh, stupid me, that's SCHLITZ.

My bad, sorry.

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[K9STH]

RCM:

I let my wife read your post. As she started to read it she became a &quot;bit&quot; upset. Then, when she read the &quot;signature&quot; I had to get her off the floor, she was laughing so hard!

Glen, K9STH

[KB5WX]

Strange , Glen , but I had the very same thing happen to my wife when she read it .

[GW4RCM]

Three texan surgeons were arguing as to which of them had the greatest skill. The first stated:three years ago, I re-attached seven fingers on a pianist, He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon replied: That's nothong. I attended a man in a car accident, all his arms and legs were severed from his body.Two years later he won three gold medals in the Olympics.
The third grinned sheepishly and said A few years ago I attended to a cowboy. he was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head first into a Santa Fe freight train at 100mph. All i had to work with was the horses ass and a ten gallon hat.Last year he became president of the U.S.A

[K9STH]

The late Lester Maddox, who was a two-term governor of the State of Georgia and was an avowed segregationist (actually he did so much for the blacks in Georgia his first term that they overwhelmingly voted for him for a second term), used to own the Pickrick Restaurant which was adjacent to the Georgia Tech campus. As a result, I met him numerous times while I was a student there. Of course, this was before he was elected governor.

He would come around to the patrons' tables with an iced tea pitcher (providing your 2nd, or 3rd, or whatever glass of iced tea). He would always ask if someone at the table wanted to purchase stock in his &quot;newest&quot; company. Usually there was someone at the table who hadn't heard this before and would almost always ask what he was going to do. Lester always replied that they were going to manufacture the front end of horses and send them to Washington, D.C. for final assembly!

The first Christmas that Maddox was governor he gave like 500 prison inmates a one-week furlough to go home for the holidays. This included convicted murderers serving life sentences, burglars, etc. Of course most of the populace of the state were aghast at this. However, all but 3 of them returned to prison on the day that they were due back. The 3 that had to be re-arrested were actually in prision for relatively minor crimes! From what I read, all of the lifers and major criminals returned voluntarily. Since the majority of these criminals were black (the majority of the prisoners in the system were black) that action really made &quot;points&quot; for Maddox in the black community.

Glen, K9STH

[KB1GYQ]

Quote[/b] (K9STH @ Aug. 22 2004,00:31)]... Lester always replied that they were going to manufacture the front end of horses and send them to Washington, D.C. for final assembly!...
rotflmaa

[WA5KRP]

Lester Maddox made George Wallace look like a flaming liberal.


Fantastic story.




WA5KRP
Texas

[K4JSR]

Glen, you made a small error about Mr. Maddox. He
could not run for a second term as Governor because of a
one term limit that was in effect (Thank God!) until after
every liberal's favorite President, Jimmy Carter, had
served as Governor. Mr. Maddox was elected as Lt. Governor during the Carter years.
Surprisingly, Mr. Maddox was not elected as Governor by the people of Georgia but by the State Legislature.
Bo Callaway, a Republican, had the plurality in a three way election. Georgia had no provision for a run-off in
the Gubernatorial election, so the whole mess went to
the Democrat controlled (Totally back then.) Legislature.
Mr. Maddox was a Democrat and naturally got the vote from the legislators.
To Mr. Maddox's credit, he did far more than any previous governor (Including Carter.) for black people.
Not only did he do the Prisoner release that you mentioned, but he also appointed many blacks to senior
level positions in state government. He also &quot;outed&quot; some of the &quot;Good Ole Boy Network&quot;, and instituted
many reforms within the government.

You forgot to mention the Black Macaw that would often
greet people entering the PickRick with, &quot;What's your name?&quot;, and long lascivious wolf whistles!
The man most people remember as a racist and a staunch segregationist was probably one of Georgia's best public servants in the twentieth century.
History, if not revised, will be far kinder to Lester Maddox than most people were who lived in his era.
All of this comes from one who worked really hard not to
let him be elected. I was pleasantly surprised by his
leadership as Governor. May he rest in peace.

73, Cal K4JSR

[K9STH]

I remember the night of the &quot;run off&quot; in the legislature and the problems that the &quot;independent&quot; former Democrat governor caused Bo Calloway. I also remember the speeches from some of the Democrats saying that they could not vote for Maddox and the speeches from those who said that they could not vote for a Republican!

I was &quot;long gone&quot; from the state when he was elected Lt. Governor. I had thought that he was elected governor again! But, I should have remembered because I met Jimmy Carter when he was running for governor. My wife and I were back in Georgia to visit my mother-in-law and it was my wife's eldest sister's eldest daughter's high school graduation. Jimmy Carter was the &quot;featured&quot; speaker and made sure that he &quot;pressed the flesh&quot; with as many of the audience that he could.

My senior year at Georgia Tech the school purchased the Pickrick building and remodeled it into the placement center (where the graduating students went to see about jobs, etc.). They did tear down the &quot;Maddox Memorial&quot; which was a small replica of the Washington Memorial except that there was a small coffin inside with a copy of the United States Constitution in it!

Maddox employed almost all blacks in the Pickrick and treated them very well. Frankly, in terms of a segregationist during those times, I think he was much more &quot;show&quot; to gain the attention of the media and to get the &quot;red neck&quot; vote. He actually was a very likable person.

I went along with a fraternity brother to interview him for a class assignment and spent about an hour with only the 3 of us. He was very interesting to say the least!

Glen, K9STH

[W2LYS]

A couple was celebrating their GOLDEN wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
Everyone said &quot;What a peaceful &amp; loving couple&quot;.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

&quot;Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,&quot; explained the man.

&quot;We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled My wife quietly said 'That's once.

&quot;We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said: 'That's twice.'

&quot;We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver (gun) from her purse and shot the horse dead.

&quot;I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said: 'That's once'.

[WA5KRP]

The last fight was my fault. My wife had asked,
&quot;What's on the TV?&quot;


I said, &quot;Dust.&quot;

[N8AAI]

The Phone Call:


A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls
home
and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
MAID: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his
wife.
The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, &quot;Listen, would you like to
make
$50,000?
MAID: Of course! What will I have to do?
WIFE: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the
woman
he's with.
The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then
gunshots,
then more footsteps.
MAID: What do I do with the bodies?
WIFE: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
MAID: There's no pool here.
A long pause....................
WIFE: Is this 555-4821?

[GW4RCM]

Some time ago Bill Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last moment his regular chef took ill, and they had to replace him. The guy who arrived turned out to be a very grubby man called John.
The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could find at short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the chef sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and he again voiced his concerns to the chief of staff.
The meal went very well but the president thought the soup tasted a bit off #and by the time dessert came he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to find a bathroom. Passing the kitchen he caught sight of th chef picking his nose and scratching his rear end which made him feel worse . By now he was desperately ill with cramps and was so disoriented he could not find the bathroom . finding a door open he undone his trouser and stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his ankles. As he was about to pass out , she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice &quot;sack the cook&quot;. And that is how the whole misunderstanding took place
RCM

[KG6SAJ]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, &quot;It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm--the front of the church fills first.&quot;

The younger priest nodded, and the old priest continued, &quot;And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.&quot;

&quot;Thank you, Father,&quot; answered the young priest. &quot;I am pleased that you
are open to the new ideas of youth.&quot;

&quot;However, &quot; said the elderly priest, &quot;I am afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional.&quot;

&quot;But, Father, &quot; protested the young priest, &quot;my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!&quot;

&quot;I know, son,&quot; replied the elderly priest, &quot;but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to H~~~,' can't stay on the church roof.&quot;

[W2LYS]

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new &quot;city&quot; outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if
she could help him, he answered, &quot;Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit.&quot;

Her eyes lit up as she asked, &quot;Where would you like to start?&quot;

&quot;Well, ma'am, how about a suit?&quot;

&quot;Yes sir. What size?&quot;

&quot;Size 53 tall, ma'am.&quot;

&quot;Wow, that's really big.&quot;

&quot;Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas.&quot;

&quot;What's next?&quot; she asked.

He replied, &quot;How about some shoes?&quot;

&quot;What size?&quot;

&quot;Size 15 double E.&quot;

&quot;Wow, that's really big!&quot;

&quot;Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas.&quot;

&quot;What's next?&quot;

Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt.&quot;

&quot;Yes sir. What size?&quot;

&quot;Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38,&quot; he replied.

&quot;Wow, that's really big!&quot;

&quot;Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas.&quot;

&quot;Will there be anything else?&quot; she asked.

&quot;Yes ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat.&quot;

&quot;Yes sir.

What size? and style?&quot; &quot;Eight and five-eighths. Stetson.&quot;

Wow, that's really big!&quot;

&quot;Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas.&quot;

She virtually glowed as she asked, &quot;Is there anything else I can do for you?&quot;

&quot;No ma'am , I reckon that will be all.&quot;

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, &quot;Sir, could I ask you a question?&quot;

&quot;Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches.&quot;

Astonished, she blurted out, &quot;Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!&quot;

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan
replied,.......................................... ..

From the floor ma'am.................From the floor.

[W2LYS]

Titleist has just introduced a new universal golf club, designed especially for travelers. It is a single adjustable club that replaces all the clubs that a golfer normally uses, so it fits in a suitcase and doesn't force passengers to check their bags when flying. It's also
useful because it takes up so little space that golfers can just leave it in the trunks of their cars, and sneak out for a round of golf without their spouses being any the wiser. The club utilizes a B-nut (like a wing-nut, but B shaped) to adjust the angle of the head to any
angle, from putter to sand wedge and everything in between. It is, of course, known as a B-nut putter-sandwedge.

[W2LYS]

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, &quot;Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen.&quot; One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, &quot;You know ... I think I just heard a discouraging word.&quot;

[N0OV]

While suturing a laceration on the hand of an 80-year-old grizzled Texas rancher (whose hand had caught in a gate #while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about John Kerry's possibility of being in the White House.

The old Texan said, &quot;Well, ya know, Kerry's one of them 'post turtles'.&quot;

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was..

The old man said, &quot;Well, when you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.&quot;

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to #explain, &quot;You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down 'afore he hurts hisself.&quot;

[W2LYS]

Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, He sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that . . .
it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.

[W2LYS]

Stuck in traffic for what felt like eons, I couldn't help but notice the license plate on the car in front of me. It read, &quot;BAA BAA.&quot; I was clueless as to why it was chosen until I looked at the vehicle to which the plate was attached. It was a black Jeep.

[K4JSR]

LYS, you scared me with that last one. I thought you were going to sing us a Baa Baa Striesand song! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wow.gif

73 Cal K4JSR

[W2LYS]

I try to limit the number of people I inflict my singing on...

[W5ALT]

Three little boys were talking about their dads who were all smokers. The first boy says &quot;My dad is so cool he can blow smoke out of his mouth and nose at the same time.&quot;

The second boy says &quot;That's nothing. My dad can blow smoke out of his mouth and nose and ears at the same time.&quot;

The third boy says &quot;That's nothing. My dad can blow smoke out of his mouth, nose, ears and butt!&quot;

After a minute one of the kids asked &quot;How do you know your dad blows smoke out of his butt?&quot;

&quot;Easy&quot; answers the third boy. &quot;I saw the nicotine stains in his underwear.&quot;

[KA9VQF]

I've been accused of trying to blow smoke up someones.....nevermind

[WA6CAW]

A grade-one teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Here's what they said:

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty

If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . stink in the morning

Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents

Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box

Better late than . . . pregnant

[W2LYS]

A rather innocent young man wandered into the wrong kind of massage parlor one day. He was ready to leave immediately but curiosity kept him glued to the floor, taking in all he could see. Finally the manager
approached him, saying "Excuse me, sir-are you a member of this club?" "Oh, no," said the young man, "I'm just aghast."

[WA5KRP]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder.

It's 'Miracle Grow'."

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on
Galveston Isle in his Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic
commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws
of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came
racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush
quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out

and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then
using (autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two heroes beat
the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you
my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there
was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I
have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and
has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he
doesn't know squat about shark fishing................how's the bait
holding up?"

[N0OV]

New exercise routine if you're over 40


There's a new exercise routine for those over 40.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become > > >more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >SCROLL DOWN...
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >NOW SCROLL UP...
> > >
> > >
That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate

[K8ERV]

I wish you guys would quit it, or I am going to have to mop up the floor!!

TOM K8ERV Montrose Colo

[W8IDB]

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings, a man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, Its me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"Whats the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year -- its on sale! Remember? The one with a pool English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property . . ."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000. A magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it!"
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.
OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! Ill see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye, I love you, too!"

The man hangs up, closes the phones flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present.

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[W8IDB]

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya goanna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the Chairman of the board of Enron.

[K4JSR]

Hey KRP! Just what do Red Dux have to do with this fowl thread? #Some of these red dux are not all they were quacked up to be, #In fact some are real "DOWNers"!
I guess we could tell all of these migratory red dux to go flock themselves.

By the way, speaking of fowl humor, you heard about that viral disease going around now, haven't you? #No?
Well, it is called Chirpees. It is a canarial disease and
is un-tweetable. #I guess if the red dux got it, you could
call it a MALLARDy. #
And that is my CHEEP shot for the moment.

Remember, beak kind to each other!

73, # Cal # K4JSR
# # # Pas de Deux, #Ga. #(That is pass the dux for you
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # un-cultured types!) http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/blues.gif

Ps. And I *KNOW* that I am swaved and debonered!
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/unclesam.gif

[WA5KRP]

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S & M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "This is what I found in your son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "So what are we going to do about this?"

Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[W2LYS]

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get
the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. She was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said don't worry, "Someday your prints will come.

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult...However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

[W2LYS]

So gas is so expensive some women are selling their bodies to get it. Well, one regular customer of such a woman just gave her pre-paid service station card in payment for future `services.' Trouble was, she was much too thin for a gas-trick buy-pass.

[GW4RCM]

A man was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said "if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent down and put the frog into his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said "if you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I will tell everyone what a brave man you are and you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, #" if you kiss me and turn me back into a princess Iwill be #your loving companion for a full week." The man again took the frog out of his pocket smiled at it , and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out "if you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want." Again the man took out the frog from his pocket smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
finally the frog asked, "what is the matter?
I've told you i'm a beautiful princess, that i'll do anything you want. why won't you kiss me?" The man said "look i'm a ham radio operator. I don't have time for wives or girlfriends , but a talking frog, "that's cool."

[W4CGP]

haha, that's great! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[K4JSR]

Speaking of Red Dux, there was this little guy who went
an ate a duck, feathers and all. Afterwards he was "down
in the mouth". http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wow.gif

Then there was this rooster that came just a strutting and just a crowing out of the hen house. The farmer came over and asked the rooster about all of the celebration. The rooster replied, "that's one piece of
chicken the Colonel ain't gettin'!

You did say that this was the "Yoke Thread", didn't ewe?

Speaking of ewes, didja hear about the mountain goat that fell off of the cliff? He didn't see that ewe turn!


73, Cal K4JSR
Wuddabout, Ga.
http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/blues.gif

[W5LDA]

28 years ago a tennessee hillbilly joined the army.
Day 1 they gave him a brand new comb,2hrs later they shaved his head.
Day 2 they gave him a new toothbrush,later they pulled 3 teeth.
Day 3 they gave him his first jock strap and they have been looking for him ever since.

kd5vsg

[WA5KRP]

Subject: This is a public service announcement to all you gadget freaks out there.



Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to! "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you
will
see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.
Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was looking
for a little something extra for my sweet thang. What I came across was a
100,000volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who
are
not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two
metal prongs designed
to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity
while you flee to safety.

The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to
safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button,
and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering,
pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then
you're
truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought it and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
disappointed.
Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found
much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch
between the
prongs. How disappointing!

I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and
pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking
forward to.
I did so. Awesome!!!

Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm
easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni
what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with
this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul),
reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I
really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I
thought about
zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing
to Toni
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me
at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the
other. The
directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the
ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little
device
(measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty
cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to
myself, "no
friggin' way!" Trust me... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
if to say,
"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny
lil' ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the
circumstances,
wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for
the hell
of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always
twenty-twenty. It is so
obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
right
at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
*******! DAAUUUUUMMN!!!& N!#%^*+~#; I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
ran in
through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, and body slammed
me
on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with
my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me
making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution.
There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.)
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the
prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I
collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on
the mantel
of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both titties were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip felt
like it weighed 88 lbs. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think
they ran away.
I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, hairy, and kinda
handsome if I must
say so myself. I miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Regards, Bubba

[N0KLT]

KRP

How the hell drunk were you when you convinced yourself that tasering yourself was a good idea. I don' ever remember being that drunk, and believe you me, I have been plenty drunk at times.

73

Gary NØKLT

[W8IDB]

There is this man, he has two ferrets. He doesn't
have friends or family, so his ferrets are his
best mates.

One day he comes home from work and he finds one
of the ferrets dead.

He is very sad, and so is the remaining ferret.
The next day he comes home and the other ferret
is dead as well.

He is very very sad and decides to take them to
the taxidermist, so he'll be able to keep them
forever.

He agrees a price with the taxidermist and walks
out of the shop. The man calls him back saying
"By the way, do you want them mounted?"

Our man replies: "Oh no, but holding hands would
be nice!"

[W8IDB]

George W. Bush is at the stadium and begins his speech
to open the Olympic Games: "Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo!
Ooooooo! Ooooooo!"

An aide comes over and whispers: "Mr President, those
are the Olympic rings, your speech is below!"

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (N0KLT @ Aug. 28 2004,16:30)]KRP

How the hell drunk were you when you convinced yourself that tasering yourself was a good idea. I don' ever remember being that drunk, and believe you me, I have been plenty drunk at times.

73

Gary NØKLT
Gary,

Helluva question.........


Quote[/b] ]
Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to! "Well, I have out done myself once again."......I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, hairy, and kinda
handsome if I must
say so myself. I miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Regards, Bubba


My wife's name is Cynthia, nobody calls me Bubba, and I don't remember posting that story.

But my balls are missing.

http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/otn/other/ignore.gif


WA5KRP
Texas

[GW4RCM]

Modern version of the birds & the bees

SON
Daddy, how was I born.

DAD
Well, Son, Mom and Dad met in a chatroom.
Dad setup a date via e-mailwith Mom and, we met at a cybercafe.We snuck into a secluded room,and then your mom downloaded from Dad's memory stick. As soon as Dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the virus appeared.

[W8IDB]

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa
and goes to live with a tribe there.

He spends years with the people, teaching them
to read, write, and the good Christian ways of
the white man. One thing he particularly stresses
is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not fornicate
or commit adultery!

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen
gives birth to a white child. The village is
shocked and the chief is sent by his people to
talk with the missionary. 'You have taught us
of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black
woman gives birth to a white child. You are the
only white man that has ever set foot in our
village. It doesn't take a genius to figure out
what has been going on!'

The missionary replies: 'No, no, my good man.
You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural
occurrence - what is called an albino. Look over
there to your fields. You see a field of white
sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one.
Nature does this on occasion.'

The chief pauses for a moment then says, 'Tell
you what, you don't say anything about the black
sheep, and I won't say anything about the white
child.'

[W8IDB]

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called
out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter!
Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced
that he was quite experienced at this sort of
thing. He stepped over with almost no look of
concern at all, wrapped his hands around the
boys gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the
quarter. The man then went back to his table as
though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are
you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

[K7FE]

The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper,

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, The boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

[W8IDB]

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to
spend his last night having some fun with an
oriental lady of the evening. After returning
home -- about three weeks later, he noticed a
oozing green sore on his manhood.

Joe went to see Dr. Jones. He told the doctor
about his trip and extra curricular activities.
The doctor then informed him that he had Hong
Kong Dong and that the only cure was complete
amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second
opinion.

Joe saw Dr. Smith and told him his story. The
doctor examined Joe and said, "I'm sorry, but
Dr. Jones was correct. We must amputate right
away."

Joe could not accept this. A friend of his
suggested that Joe visit an oriental doctor.

So Joe saw Dr.Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with
the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but added,
"These Amadican Doctors -- so quick to Chop
Chop Chop. Amputation not necesally."

Obviously, Joe was relieved. Dr. Wong went on
to say, "You wait three weeks and it fall off
on its own.

[N0OV]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know
how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving with you in the damn car."

[W8IDB]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued:

"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

[W2LYS]

Olympic spectators in Athens this year may be surprised to note that equestrian competitors from Barcelona tend to give their horses quite a lot of slack as they put them through their paces. I guess it's true. The reigns in Spain fall plainly on the mane.

[W0LC]

OBN's anti-code rantings?

[N7AAO]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?", the driver asked. The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
# # #
# # #The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
# # #
# # #"You don't have one?"
# # #
# # #The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
# # #
# # #The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
# # #
# # #"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
# # #
# # #The policeman says, "Why not?"
# # #
# # #"I stole this car."
# # #
# # #The officer says, "Stole it?"
# # #
# # #The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
# # #
# # #At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
# # #
# # #"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
# # #
# # #The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
# # #
# # #The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
# # #
# # #The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
# # #
# # #"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
# # #
# # #"Murdered the owner?"
# # #
# # #The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
# # #
# # #The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
# # #
# # #The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
# # #
# # #The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
# # #
# # #The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
# # #
# # #The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
# # #
# # #The man replies, "I bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too!"

[K9STH]

A Wealthy lady decided to go on an African photo safari taking her faithful pet poodle along for company.

One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here. "

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle saw him leaving after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says............

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Glen, K9STH

[W0LC]

A blonde was on one side of a street when she noticed another blonde on the other side. Wanting to cross the street, she yelled to the other, "How did you get across the street"?

[W8IDB]

While trying to escape Iraq, Saddam found a bottle in a cave and picked

it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with
a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?
I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Saddam.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."
Saddam thought a moment. Then he grumbled about the impertinence of he
woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white American

women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"
The highly annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next
morning he woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding & Hillary
Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health
insurance.

[N0OV]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a comm union wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

[KG6SAJ]

Moses, Jesus and a frail, elderly man with long white hair were playing a round and ready to tee off on a par-4 fairway bordered on the left by a lake.

Moses hit first and hooked his tee shot smack into the middle of the lake. He calmly parted the waters of the lake and hit his ball from the muddy bed straight on the green.

Jesus went next. He also hooked his tee shot into the lake, but the ball miraculously floated on the water. Jesus walked across the water to his ball and hit it pin high on the green.

The wrinkled, frail old man teed off last, and, again, the drive went into the drink.

But a 5-pound carp swallowed the ball before it sank. Suddenly, an eagle swooped down and snared the golf ball-swallowing fish with its sharp talons. The eagle flapped its wings mightily and lifted the carp from the water. The bird tried to fly the fish to its nest for a meal, but the carp was too heavy. Just as the eagle fluttered across the green, it dropped the fish.

The ball popped out of the carp on impact with the green, and it rolled into the center of the cup.

After watching the incredible hole in one, a double eagle, Jesus told the elderly man, "Dad, if you keep fooling around like that, we won't bring you next time."

[N7AAO]

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS

1. SHE HAS NO RIGORS OR SHAKING CHILLS, BUT HER HUSBAND STATES SHE WAS VERY HOT IN BED LAST NIGHT.

2. PATIENT HAS CHEST PAIN IF SHE LIES ON HER LEFT SIDE FOR OVER A YEAR.

3. ON THE SECOND DAY THE KNEE WAS BETTER, AND ON THE THIRD DAY IT DISAPPEARED.

4. THE PATIENT IS TEARFUL AND CRYING CONSTANTLY. SHE ALSO APPEARS TO BE DEPRESSED.

5. THE PATIENT HAS BEEN DEPRESSED SINCE SHE BEGAN SEEING ME IN 1993.

6. DISCHARGE STATUS: ALIVE BUT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

7. HEALTHY APPEARING DECREPIT 69 YEAR OLD MALE, MENTALLY ALERT BUT FORGETFUL.

8. PATIENT REFUSED AUTOPSY.

9. THE PATIENT HAS NO PREVIOUS HISTORY OF SUICIDES.

10. PATIENT HAS LEFT WHITE BLOOD CELLS AT ANOTHER HOSPITAL.

11. PATIENT'S MEDICAL HISTORY HAS BEEN REMARKABLY INSIGNIFICANT WITH ONLY 40 POUND WEIGHT GAIN IN THE LAST 3 DAYS.

12. PATIENT HAD WAFFLES FOR BREAKFAST AND ANOREXIA FOR LUNCH.

13. BETWEEN YOU AND ME, WE OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO GET THIS LADY PREGNANT.

14. SINCE SHE CAN'T GET PREGNANT WITH HER HUSBAND, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO WORK HER UP.

15. SHE IS NUMB FROM HER TOES DOWN.

16. WHILE IN THE ER, SHE WAS EXAMINED, X-RATED AND SENT HOME.

17. THE SKIN WAS MOIST AND DRY.

18. OCCASIONAL, CONSTANT FREQUENT HEADACHES.

19. PATIENT WAS ALERT AND UNRESPONSIVE.

20. RECTAL EXAMINATION REVEALED A NORMAL THYROID.

21. SHE STATED THAT SHE HAD BEEN CONSTIPATED FOR MOST OF HER! LIFE, UNTIL SHE GOT A DIVORCE.

22. I SAW YOUR PATIENT TODAY, WHO IS STILL UNDER YOUR CAR FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY.

23. BOTH BREASTS ARE EQUAL AND REACTIVE TO LIGHT AND ACCOMMODATION.

24. EXAMINATION OF GENITALIA REVEALS THAT HE IS CIRCUS SIZED. (JUST HOW BIG IS CIRCUS SIZED?)

25. THE LAB TEST INDICATED ABNORMAL LOVER FUNCTION.

26. THE PATIENT WAS TO HAVE A BOWEL RESECTION. HOWEVER HE TOOK A JOB AS A STOCKBROKER INSTEAD.

27. SKIN: SOMEWHAT PALE BUT PRESENT.

28. THE PELVIC EXAM WILL BE DONE LATER ON THE FLOOR.

29. PATIENT WAS SEEN IN CONSULTATION BY DR. BLANK, WHO FELT WE SHOULD SIT ON THE ABDOMEN AND I AGREE.

30. PATIENT HAS TWO TEENAGE CHILDREN, BUT NO OTHER ABNORMALITIES.

[W8IDB]

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her: What’s wrong honey?
She replies my head hurts, so her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her:
Is it better now?
Yes she said, then he asked does it hurt somewhere else?
Here, she replied, pointing to her lips so boyfriend kissed her lips.
Is it better now?
Much better.
Anywhere else? Here she replied pointing to her neck now so the boyfriend kissed her neck…
Watching carefully what’s happening an elderly man asks the young man:
Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?

[W8IDB]

A man walks out into the street and manages to get
a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and
the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like
Dave."

"Who?"

"This guy named Dave. He always did everything right.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would
have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with
the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone, and
danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"Oh, you don't know the half of it. He had a memory
like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could
fix anything. Not like me. I change one light on the
Christmas Tree and I black out the whole
neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, you would too, if you'd married his widow."

[W8IDB]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range when
Tonto gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground ...

"Ugg, Buffalo come" .., says Tonto !!

How do you know that ? says the Lone Ranger ...

"Stickey Face", says Tonto !!!!

[W8IDB]

"Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. . . .
He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke.
The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says,
"Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.
The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing
improvised moment.
When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"
By now old Stevie is a little confused. He says to the fan, "What do you mean,
play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?"
"But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.
"Ok, well how does it go then?" enquires the blind musical genius.
The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:
"A jazz chord......to say, I ruv you..."

[W8IDB]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a
grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no
family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself
lost, making several wrong turns.

Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the
hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The
diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid
already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his
tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the
deceased to the great beyond in style. As he was returning to his car,
he overheard one of the workmen say:

"I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I have never
seen nothin’ like that."

[W2LYS]

I am a disc jockey and one night when I was at the controls, a record began to skip. Before I could react, the needle scraped across the entire song leaving me with "dead-air" silence, a D.J.'s worst enemy. I grabbed the mike and shouted over the air: "All right which one of you listeners at home just bumped your radio and made my record skip?"

After my little face-saving joke, I played another song. A few minutes later the switchboard operator came in to say that three people had called to apologize.

[AI4EP]

At first opportunity I would have told every one I was going to play that same song again, and for them to burp and belch all they wanted and see if it skipped again....would have been all kind of fun !!

ai4ep http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[K7JBQ]

This is the same kind of thinking that led one of the clowns at KJR (Seattle) to announce, one day long ago:

"OK, all you people on the freeway, at the count of three, change lanes.

One

Two

Three

(long silence)

"This just in. Big wreck on the Interstate."

The local authorities were not amused.

73,
Bill

[K7JBQ]

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from
$250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for
the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that
it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"

He never heard the shot,
Funeral services are pending.........

[W2LYS]

They've invented an engine that runs on semolina. Trouble is, it can't get pasta gas station.

[N0KLT]

Isn't semolina a country in west Africa someplace? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[W8IDB]

A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a
dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish.

A leading local politician, who was a member of the
congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a
little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic.

Sooo.....Father O'Brien decides to say his own few words
while they await the politician's arrival......

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the
confessional, can never be broken. What is confessed in
there to me, is never repeated on the outside. However, I
got my first impressions of this parish from the first
confession I ever heard here.

Realize, please, that I can only hint vaguely about this,
but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me
how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by
the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he
told me he had embezzled money from his place of business
and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I knew that my people at this
congregation were not all like that, and I had, indeed
come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving
people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in
on his speech.

"I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this
evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time.
In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the
first confession he heard at this congregation."

[W8IDB]

By the time John arrived at the football game,
the first quarter was almost over.

"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

"I had to toss a coin to decide between going
to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

[WA5KRP]

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the golf course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."

[W2LYS]

Charley, Frances, maybe Ivan... seems like these Hurricanes are God's warning to Florida _ in the tradition of Rev. Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson or whoever saying that the attacks on the twin towers was "God's Judgment for America's declining moral values" - warning
Florida, "YOU_D BETTER NOT SCREW UP THE ELECTIONS LIKE YOU DID IN THE YEAR 2000!!!"

[WA5KRP]

Dr. Visit

I went into my proctologist's office for my first
rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an
examining room and told me to get undressed and have a
seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he
would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly
a rubber glove
and a beer

When the doctor finally came in I said,"Look Doc, I'm
a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what
the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and
stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and
yelled to his nurse.......

Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT!

[W8IDB]

Famous Last Words:

-- I'll get a world record for this..
-- It's fireproof.
-- He's probably just hibernating.
-- What does this button do?
-- I'm making a citizen's arrest.
-- So, you're a cannibal.
-- It's probably just a rash.
-- Are you sure the power is off?
-- Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury,
so what of it?
-- The odds of that happening have to be a
million to one!
-- Pull the pin and count to what?
-- Which wire was I supposed to cut?
-- I wonder where the mother bear is.
-- I've seen this done on TV.
-- These are the good kind of mushrooms.
-- I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
-- Let it down slowly.
-- Rat poison only kills rats.
-- Just take whatever you want, this is a
ghost town.
-- It's strong enough for both of us.
-- This doesn't taste right.
-- I can make this light before it changes.
-- Nice doggie.
-- I can do that with my eyes closed.
-- I've done this before.
-- Well, we've made it this far.
-- That's odd.
-- You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on,
would you?
-- Don't be so superstitious.
-- Now watch this.
-- What duck?

[W2LYS]

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the
song lingered on. The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.

[KB1GYQ]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.

"Where's John Kerry's ! clock?" asked the man.

"Kerry's clock is in our office. We are using it as a ceiling fan."

[W8IDB]

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"

[W2LYS]

While drinking at a bar one night, a young man met a young woman whom he did not find attractive, though she found him attractive. However, she plied him with a green licorice-flavored liqueur and soon made him
love her. What did she remember that he had forgotten?
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

[W8IDB]

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door.
"Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at
10:00am if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the
designated meeting spot.

A masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded,
"You're three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap."

[W8IDB]

"Mom, Sob, I'm Pregnant"
Cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the swine who did this to
you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out
of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl,
and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family
circumstances, but I'll take charge.

"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse,

a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$2,000,000 bank account.

"If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is
a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."

[W8IDB]

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

[K9STH]

Lately the "jokes" in this thread have been getting a "bit" raunchy. Lets either refrain from posting such or else I will have to shut down the thread.

Remember that we do allow "PG" in this particular forum. But, some of these jokes are definitely "R" and are starting towards the "X" category.

"A word to the wise is sufficient"!

Glen, K9STH
One of the QRZ.com moderators

There was this new bar in town that everyone was talking about because it had a robot-bartender. A man walks in to see this for himself. He sits at the bar and sure enough, a robot was bartending.

The man orders a drink, and the robot asks him what his IQ is. The man replies that his IQ is 150.

So the robot begins discussing nuclear physics, hydrogen power cells, and the current state of the global atmosphere. The man is amazed. He has to see how good this robot really is. He leaves the bar and comes right back in and sits at the bar.

Again, the robot asks him for his IQ.

This time the man replies "100."

So the robot discusses football, basketball, and the proper way to grill a steak.

The man leaves and comes back in for a third time. This time he tells the robot that his IQ is 50.

The robot replies: "So, are you democrats really going to vote for this Kerry guy?"

[AI4EP]

these raunchy jokes will NOT offend a single person that can NOT read.

Well at least ai4ep got his tongue back from the cat.......

[K9STH]

EP:

But some of them have links to visual aids.

Glen, K9STH

[GW4RCM]

Quote[/b] (K9STH @ Sep. 16 2004,12:28)]EP:

But some of them have links to visual aids.

Glen, K9STH
Where, where

[kc2jga]

Quote[/b] (K9STH @ Sep. 16 2004,07:28)]EP:

But some of them have links to visual aids.

Glen, K9STH
Hey Glen, don't you have the 'godly' power to edit any post's?

[WA5KRP]

Marooned in Cyberspace

University of Texas officials discovered that a link on the UT website that was intended to help students buy tickets for Longhorn football games took them instead to website for Texas A&M's Twelfth Man Foundation.

How about Khadaisah Terwana Jermiah

U.S. Representative Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston, complained that not enough of the names given to hurricanes sounded black.

During his audience with the Queen of England John Kerry

asked, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

government? Can you give me any tips?"
"Well," the Queen said, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people." Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people
around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea and said, "Oh,
that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen
pushed a button on the intercom and said, "Please ask Tony Blair to join us."
Tony Blair entered and asked, "Yes, my Queen?" She smiled and said, "Tony please
answer this question. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your
brother nor your sister. Who is it?" Without a pause he answered, "That would
be me." "Very good," she said. When Kerry returned home he asked John
Edwards, his vice presidential choice, the same question. "John, answer this for
me. Your mother and your father have a child. It is not your brother nor
your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," Edwards replied. "Let me get
back to you on that one." Edwards asked all his advisors, but none could give him an
answer. Finally, in the men's room, he recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the
next stall. He shouts, "Colin, can you answer this question for me? Your
mother and father have a child and it's not your brother nor your sister. Who is
it?" Colin yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Edwards smiles, and says,
"Thanks!" Edwards rushed back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some
research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell." Kerry got up,
stomped over to Edwards and angrily yelled into his face, "No, you idiot! It's
Tony Blair!"

[N0OV]

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a
busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front
of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even
though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through
the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the
intersection with him.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and
looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The
officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her
to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and
opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where
the arresting officer was waiting wit h her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy
off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed
the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[N0OV]

A elgerly man with a great sense of humor was telling a story about what retired folks do to make their days more interesting. He started........................

I went to a store the other day. I was only in for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a Cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, don't be a jerk. How about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. That's when I called him a bad name.

Guess what happened next? He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a way worse name.

Much to my surprise, he finished the second ticket, placed it on the windshield with the first, and started writing a third ticket. Can you believe that!!!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the block and this one had a "ELECT KERRY" bumper sticker on it.

[WA5KRP]

KC0LNU,

Sonuvabitch! #I started posting the same joke. #You beat me.



WA5KRPhttp://smilies.jeeptalk.org/otn/sad/mecry.gif
Texas

[N7AAO]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing: she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, ''Honey, have you ever noticed that she only approaches people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?''

He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, ''Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.''

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation as she watched from afar. Finally, she saw the girl go up and talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

''Well, Is she selling drugs?'' she asked excitedly in a hushed voice.

''No, she isn't,'' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

''Well, What is it, then? What does she do?'' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, ''She sells batteries.''

''Batteries!'' cried the wife with astonishment.

''Yes,.....'' he replied calmly.

SCROLL DOWN ...........









(You're gonna hate me for this... scroll down some more)









"She sells C cells by the seashore!"

(Thanks to Ella Rene Mills of Memphis for sharing this one.)

[KB1GYQ]

Quote[/b] (N7AAO @ Sep. 18 2004,21:30)]"She sells C cells by the seashore!"
G R O A N

[K6PME]

Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.

Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and I! t will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!!

Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?

Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty g! good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.
Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!

DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by ! a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

[W8IDB]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that
he was marrying a "mail order" bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully
suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out
on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued,"
And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too!"

[W2LYS]

Football analysis by a blonde. . .

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well," she said, " I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR!

[N0OV]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming
truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet
their maker, because of the grief they have experienced,
He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter
Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what
their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His
fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears
this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap
of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be
gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last
guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten
people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing
his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his
wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."

So, the next time you are last in line...smile!

[W8IDB]

The first Jewish President of the United States
calls his mother in Queens and invites her to
come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like
to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to
get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on
Queens Blvd..."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't
need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have
to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get
a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the
middle...it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United
States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my
private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we
land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the
airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too
much trouble."

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a
helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."

She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I
still need a hotel room,and the rooms are so
expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President!
You'll stay at the White House!"

She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:

Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

Betty: "That's nice. The doctor?"

Sylvia: "No ... the other one."

[WA5KRP]

Road Rage

An ethical man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him.
He does the legal thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though
he could have run the yellow light by accelerating through the
intersection.


The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in
frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection
with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her
window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes
her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a cell.


After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens
the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says! , "I'm very
sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while
you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license
plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me
to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[W2LYS]

Danny - that was posted on the previous page... http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[W2LYS]

On Newton's Fig Farm lived Isaac Newton, the smartest farmer who ever lived. Every time he and his son, Huey, bought a new ax at the Mass and Matter Hardware Store, they would be attacked by a huge hopsit (a feral rabbit endemic to England) and they would be attacked by a bloodthirsty eagle at or near the same time. After surviving 150 such vicious double-attacks (they used axes for everything), Isaac Newton told Huey his thought on the matter: "Every ax, son, has an eagle and hopsit
reaction."

[W2LYS]

A bio-research institute in Israel is developing plans for cloning sheep. "When the Holy Temple is rebuilt, there will suddenly be a tremendous demand for blemish-free lambs to use for the Korban Pesach (paschal sacrifice)", explained its director. "We will be able to meet that demand by cloning." "Each lamb thus produced will be known as a Korban copy".

[W2LYS]

A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and
devoured him.

Moral: Don't try to read between the lions.

[W2LYS]

A manufacturer of kitchen utensils produced
a date-reminder for distribution to its
customers. In a throwback to a bygone era,
this handout featured one of the most
comely female employees, wearing one of the
company's products and little else. What
might she be called?

A Colander Girl

[W8IDB]

A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise."

The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

[W8IDB]

Two guys were talking at work.

"I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.

When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

[W2LYS]

A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee. "What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design# "It's
a banjo," he said sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama."#

[W2LYS]

A lady from Missoula, Montana who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest
points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down
the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was, and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."

[W8IDB]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, 'I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who dominated their women on earth
and the other line for the men who were dominated by
their women. Also. I want all the women to go with
Saint Peter.'

With that said and done, the next time God looked,
the women were gone and there were two lines. The
line of the men who were dominated by their wives
was 160 km long, and in the line of the men who
dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said to the 160-km-long line,
'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created
you in my image and your mates whipped you all.
Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and
made me proud. Learn from him. Tell them, my son,
how did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

And the man replied, `I don't know. My wife told me
to stay here.'

[W2LYS]

A mother pigeon and a baby pigeon were going to fly south for the winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon is having a difficult time convincing her new baby that he too can fly. The baby pigeon cried, "I can't make it ... I get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine." The baby started to cry. "What's wrong?" said the mother. "I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

[W2LYS]

A police captain, regarded as something of an egghead by subordinates, was shown two sets of fingerprints of a suspected robber. "These can't belong to the same man," objected the captain. "They're whorls apart."

[W2LYS]

Tonight as my wife and I were talking about our life's travels, it reminded me of the time when I was a teenager, and a friend of mine and I mustered up enough courage to visit a local monastery. (It really is a beautiful place overlooking the Arkansas River.)

The monks there did not use the traditional naming convention though, instead going by the first initial of their first name, and would thus queue up in this order for dinner. As we were touring the monastery, I noticed that Father Edward always followed Father Douglas, mimicking his every move. So I turned to the father that was escorting us and asked "Is he a novice?"

"Him?" he replied "Oh no, Father Edward is just a prankster. He likes the old saying 'Monk E see, Monk E do.'"

[W8IDB]

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control
of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth
and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from
the wreckage and within a matter of minutes;
a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.


The men picked up each broken piece of the
former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy
substance on it. Then they began fitting the
pieces together. In less than a half hour, they
had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking
good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the
crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used
to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate
booth paste."

[KG6SAJ]

Step 1: Attach balloons to vehicle
Step 2: Drive down the road
Step 3: Enjoy...

[AI4EP]

so no matter how SLOW you go, no one will pass you

and no matter how FAST you go, no one will be willing to ride NEAR you

[W2LYS]

The guard stood, ramrod straight, at the
entrance to the Palace. As his replacement
approached from the street in a strict
cadence, he tipped one foot behind the
other and executed a perfect but nearly
motionless change of direction.

They exchanged salutes, one marched off,
and the newcomer took his place.

Little Jonathan saw how still they stood,
barely even blinking in the sunlight. "Yes,"
said his mother. "You really only ever see
anything happen right around the Turn of
the Sentry."

[W8IDB]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon
a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if
she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry
three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish
genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love
Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about
world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be
reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands
of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for
five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't
think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never
been able to find the right man. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that map again."

[WA6CAW]

One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farm. In order to do this he needed a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy.

The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild.

Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged.

"Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time."

Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer.

The farmer watched his dying investment and then went up to Randy and said "How could you? I asked you to pace yourself and now you're a spent force."

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and pointed to the sky saying "Shh... they're getting closer."

[WA6CAW]

try this link for fun..............................

http://www.colonize.com/warp/index.html

[W8IDB]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?"

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!"

[W8IDB]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks
in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying
copies, not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.
He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would
be continued in all of the other copies.
The Head Monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the
original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs
to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar,
and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
He asks the monk what's wrong and in a choked voice came the reply.....
"The word is 'celebrate'...."

[W8IDB]

A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!" They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was the same old cow every day."

[W2LYS]

A naval architect was concentrating in the midst of some stability calculations involving the tonnage of a heavy object and the product of its perpendicular distance from an axis. A colleague interrupted him by asking a question. How did the naval architect reply?

Weight a moment

[W2LYS]

A man stumbled into the emergency room dressed in a medieval bard's outfit, clutching his stomach with one hand and moaning in agony. With his free hand he was clutching a lute, which he dropped on the floor in
front of the nurse's station. He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, rolled himself into a fetal position, and began to moan much louder. Fearing serious food poisoning, doctors quickly brought a stretcher out and rolled him into the bowels of the ER. Half an hour
later, the man walked past the nurse and out the door, whistling happily to himself. Noticing that the man looked much healthier, the nurse asked one of the doctors what was ailing the man. The doctor
shrugged and said "nothing big....just minstrel cramps."

[KA9VQF]

All right, this one comes form my brother in law in Tennessee.

Q. Why is it so hard to solve a murder in Tennessee?

A. All the DNA at the scene matches, and there are no dental records.

[N7AAO]

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

[W2LYS]

Two Blondes, living in Kansas, were sitting on a bench one evening.

One asked the other, "What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?"

The other blondes give her a puzzled look and replies,

"Helloooooooooooooooooooo - Can you see Florida?http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/rock.gif??!!!!!!"

[W2LYS]

One of the Tampa Bay football players who had sculled in college organized a rowing team composed of his most muscular team mates. While practicing one day one of the players joked that they were so fast that they should be able to tow a water skier. They tried it and discovered that not only could they pull a skier they could pull several. In the off season they appeared at Cypress Gardens where the act was billed as skiers and Row Bucs.

[W2LYS]

A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"

[W8IDB]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a
commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the
cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the
rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the
cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to
be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping
into passengers right and left as he stumbles down
the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking
that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start
revving and the airplane starts moving down the
runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasi-
ness, whispering among themselves and looking
desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and
people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying,
and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end
of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more
hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than
20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in
the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once,
and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off
and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of
relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of
these days the passengers aren't going to scream!"

[W2LYS]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Sooner fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Sooner fans too.

Not knowing what a Sooner fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little boy named Johnny has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Sooner fan" he retorts.

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Horns fan!" boasts the little boy.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Johnny why he is a Horns fan.

Well, my Dad and Mom are Horns fans, so I'm a Horns fan too, he responds.

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Johnny smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Sooner fan."

[WA5KRP]

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women finally realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.



(OUY!)

[W8IDB]

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8.
The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11
or eleven-and-a-half." "Just bring me a size eight!" the man
replies. The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into
them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and
says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-
law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed
Chapter 7. The only pleasure I
have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

[W8IDB]

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a
signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to
his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door
which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked.
A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest
german shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs
menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail
man shouted, "Lady, call off your dog before he eats me alive."
The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming
from the next room saying, "Come in."

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way
to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he
saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After
the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and
said to the parrot, "Darn you, don't you know any words besides
'come in' ?"

Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, "Sic him!"

[W2LYS]

If you go camping with a Supreme Court Justice, try taking his favorite beach toy and pushing it out into the middle of the shallow lake. He'll stand in his swimming suit for hours at the edge of the dock in quiet
contemplation, trying to determine whether when retrieving it he should row v. wade.

[W2LYS]

After twenty years, twenty years as head avian keeper at Fleishacker Zoo, Norman sat distractedly on his Ethan Allen post-colonial solid mahogany settee, pulling at his nose, and going over one more time the stupidity that had cost him his labor of love, because he knew that he
was responsible for putting the locks on all the bird cages--the Bald Eagles,the tropical Toucans, the Marbled Godwits, all of them-- but that miserable Thursday evening he had missed a cage for the very first
time as he had daydreamed on by the Bay Gulls enclosure, and they had escaped, and there went his job. All because he forgot to put the locks on the Bay Gulls.

[W2LYS]

As I walked up to the counter the
phone rang. "I'll be right with you,"
said the man at the counter.

"Lawn 'n' Garden, Hal speaking," he
said. "How can I help you this
morning?" Beat. "Ummm, could you
hold on for a few seconds?" He put
the caller on hold. To the back of
the store he yelled, "Jim, get out
here quickly! I've got one!"

Not twenty seconds later "Jim" came
out lugging a video camera and light
bar. Snapped the light bar onto a
pre-positioned bracket, and said, "Go."

Taking the caller off hold, Hal spoke.
"Okay, go ahead, sir." He listened for
about forty seconds, madly scribbling
on a pad in front of him. "Okay,
let me read that back. Bluegrass,
four-inch cut, area A, 44 feet by 122
feet, Area B, 61 feet by 85 feet.
Installation next Tuesday morning. I
have your address."

Hal hung up the phone as Jim stopped
the camera and snapped off the lights.
I asked, "Is that for 'Quality Control'
purposes?"

"No," he replied. "I just filmed my
own episode of Lawn Order."

[WA5KRP]

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up.

Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward --

NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

[W2LYS]

A man, suspecting his wife of infidelity, hired a detective to shadow her. After a few days the detective discovered the wife in her own room with a boy friend in an exceptionally fond embrace on the divan.

Quickly locating the husband, he brought him to the home where both peeked in through the door and found the couple still making love.

Visibly shocked, the husband invited the detective into the kitchen, saying: "Let's have some coffee while I think." The detective replied: "Certainly, thanks, but just make me one cup. That's all I'm allowed."

"Sure," said the husband, "that's enough for me, too." So they retired to the kitchen where the husband silently brewed two steaming cups of coffee. As they sat down to drink, the detective broke the silence: "Well, what about the fellow in there?"

Replied the husband: "Oh, the hell with him; let him make his own coffee."

[W2LYS]

There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.
You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater.

[W8IDB]

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer,
"No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look
as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer
who was walking out the door and said,
"That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact,
we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled,
"Never, never, never, never say we don't have something.
If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.
Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk smiled and said...
"Rain

[W2LYS]

My phone buzzed so I picked it up.
"Frank, this is Angela, Mr. Cantwell's
secretary. He'd like to see you and
Eddie in his office as soon as possible
concerning the Draban proposal."

"Okay, Angela, thanks." I hung up the
phone. I retrieved Eddie and we headed
down the corridor. Burton Cantwell,
president and CEO, was going to ask for
answers, and we'd better have them.
Fortunately I was "up" on this project
and foresaw no problem. Eddie, on the
other hand, looked somewhat pale and
strained.

"I gotta stop in the mens' room first,"
he said. Good idea -- straighten my tie,
run a comb through the hair. We went
in.

Eddie disappeared behind a door. I straightened my tie. I
combed my hair. I washed my hands. And combed my hair again.

"Eddie!" I called. "Come on, the big man is waiting!"

"I'll be there!" he yelled back. "I'm not so comfortable."

"Eddie, it's because you're not prepared. I know what you're doing. You're just stalling for time."

[KC0NBW]

being a former triumph motorcycle owner, i am very familiar with "lucas, the god of darkness"!

[KC0NBW]

after boarding the world's first fully automated airliner and being taxied out to the runway, this message came over the cabin pa system.

ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our automated airliner, you have no need to fear for your safety, nothing can go wrong,nothing can go wrong, nothing can go wrong!

[AI4FR]

http://pic3.picturetrail.com/VOL22/560863/1405034/44594959.jpg

[N0KLT]

FR,

I love it!! That sign should be mass produced and sold over the counter.

Gary NØKLT

[W8IDB]

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He
noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story
as he
was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
"No," she said.
"Well," spoofed the dentist, "down in Mexico they have this big
building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all
picked
according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips
their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up
and
dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw
them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over
again."
The old woman just sat there and didn't laugh a bit!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, the dentist had to stop
cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how
they must make condoms!"

[W8IDB]

"Put 'em in the air!" yelled Wimpy MacReady.
The whole saloon erupted in laughter. Standing in the doorway was the town's resident nutcase. At one time or another everyone in the place had had a laugh or two at his expense. And what was he holding? A subminiature .22 barely as long as his index finger.
"What's so funny, guys? I'm the one with the gun now."
"Well, you see, Wimpy, it's like this," explained the bartender. "You're lookin' at a room full of guys who can take you out by hand. And you're standin' there holdin' a peashooter that couldn't bring down a rabbit at three feet if you could hit it. I dunno what you paid for that there thing, but it's no bar gun."

[W8IDB]

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small
one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age,
we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock
the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the crap out of 'em,
and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer,
there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."