JOKE THREAD REDUX

[WA5KRP]

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total
silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do
to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling lost. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised
himself.

Suddenly, through the dark shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing by the fence alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Anxiously, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key, and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know #### about cars!"

[K7JBQ]

What on earth was a British car doing in west Texas?

That horse sure knew his Lucas fuel pumps.

73,
Bill

[N7AAO]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (K7JBQ @ July 28 2004,12:15)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">What on earth was a British car doing in west Texas?[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
Breaking down, obviously. It was a British car, after all.

[KA4DPO]

Favorite Bumper sticker:

The reason Britts drink warm beer is because Lucas made their refridgerators.

[W2LYS]

Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle



10. Being told to &quot;think outside the box&quot; when you're in a freakin' box all day long.


09. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.


08. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.


07. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.


06. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.


05. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.


04. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.


03. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.


02. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.


And the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle is...


01. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.

[K7JBQ]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (KA4DPO @ July 28 2004,12:22)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Favorite Bumper sticker:

The reason Britts drink warm beer is because Lucas made their refridgerators.[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
Had a bumper sticker a while back

The Lucas Switch (art: 3-position switch)

Labels:

Dim
Flicker
Off

73,
Bill

[KF0RT]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (KA4DPO @ July 28 2004,13:22)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Favorite Bumper sticker:

The reason Britts drink warm beer is because Lucas made their refridgerators.[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
The reason Brits don't make computers is that they haven't figured out how to make one leak oil.

(Love the Brits, honest!!!http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif

[w4rot]

Sorry..had to do it.
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

[K9STH]

You know where the person who owns a British car lives, by the oil spots in the driveway!

My eldest daughter had first an MGB and then a TR-6 after the MGB got broadsided by a Ford F-150. I drove the MGB home. The Ford got towed! She still has the TR-6 plus three Mazda Miatas. She has had as many as 5 Miatas at one time!

From a placemat that a former insurance agent gave my daughter when she was driving the MGB:

Place under vehicle when parked for the night. Remove in the morning. If covered with oil it is safe to drive the vehicle. If no oil present, DO NOT DRIVE the vehicle, the oil sump is empty!

Two placemats are needed for Rolls Royce vehicles.


You have not &quot;lived&quot; until you have driven a vehicle with Lucas &quot;Flamethrowers&quot;! My senior year in college I had a Triumph 10 &quot;Estate Wagon&quot;. It came from the factory with &quot;Flamethrowers&quot;. At night if someone &quot;flashed&quot; their headlights indicating that I needed to take mine from high (I virtually never drove with the &quot;Flamethrowers&quot; on high) I would &quot;flash&quot; my lights. For some reason the other vehicle would lower their beams very fast and not go to high until well past me! The same thing if I &quot;flashed&quot; my headlights when the on-coming vehicle had their lights on high. I never lost an &quot;argument&quot; on who had the brightest headlights!

Glen, K9STH

[w6ez]

I owned both a TR-4 and a TR-6 and NEVER had any electrical problems with them!

Lucas flamethrowers, ahhh the fond memories!


You guys bashing British cars need to quit.
Bash something french. renauts are good.
The french war record is better.

[WA5KRP]

How to spot a rich guy:



http://rock103.com/crew/pics/howtospotarichguy.jpg

[K8ERV]

KRP in Cincinnatti: Rich guy-- I screen captured it and am sending it to everyone in the world!!!

TOM K8ERV Montrose Colo

[N7AAO]

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

(Credit where credit is due: Joke courtesy ChristiansUnite's clean joke archive: http://jokes.christiansunite.com/)

[W2LYS]

Donny had finally reached the position he had dreamed of: chief metallurgist at UCLA. And he had done it with the aid of his father's advice. He had made a major breakthrough in developing cold smelting by using a large tank of distilled water and electricity - his father had told him to always keep his ores in the water.

[W2LYS]

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

[K7JBQ]

EZ,

I feel qualified to bash the Brits after owning:

2 TRs (Herald and TR-6)
2 Jaguars (XK-120 and Mark IX)
2 Lotuses (18 and 61)

Also 3 Frog GTs (2 Renault, 1 Citroen), so can agree with you on that one.

As for the fabulous Brit war record, it was mostly achieved against the French, not counting those minor episodes where US assistance was required.

Back to cars, remember Dick O'Kane's wonderful tome called &quot;How to Repair Your Foreign Car?&quot; The Brit chapter was titled, &quot;Why, When Britannia Rules the Waves, Will Her Cars Not Go Through a Mud Puddle.&quot; As for their friends across the channel, it was &quot;The French. Ah, the French. Who Can Understand the French?&quot;

73,
Bill

[w6ez]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (K7JBQ @ July 28 2004,12:47)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">EZ,

I feel qualified to bash the Brits after owning:

2 TRs (Herald and TR-6)
2 Jaguars (XK-120 and Mark IX)
2 Lotuses (18 and 61)

Also 3 Frog GTs (2 Renault, 1 Citroen), so can agree with you on that one.

As for the fabulous Brit war record, it was mostly achieved against the French, not counting those minor episodes where US assistance was required.

Back to cars, remember Dick O'Kane's wonderful tome called &quot;How to Repair Your Foreign Car?&quot; The Brit chapter was titled, &quot;Why, When Britannia Rules the Waves, Will Her Cars Not Go Through a Mud Puddle.&quot; As for their friends across the channel, it was &quot;The French. Ah, the French. Who Can Understand the French?&quot;

73,
Bill[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
There was a movie, Cannonball run, I think that had two &quot;Anglophiles&quot; working on a Jag all throught he movie and making remarks about what a fine machine it was but I don't remember them driving it. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

I guess I never got over British cars as I still have an old Lola and am still looking for the right Lotus Europa big valve.

[K7JBQ]

EZ,

Yep, one of the few bright spots in Mr. Yates otherwise dismal screenplay.

I should add, now that the statute of limitations has run out, that I ran the Cannonball in 1979. Finished 26th in a field of 43, 41 hours flat.

And the real story of what happened on that wacky weekend in March was much funnier than the movie.

73,
Bill

[KD7WHQ]

I'm reading his book right now, and here is a guy who actually RAN in the Cannonball Memorial!
Sheez http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif

So, anyone beat the time of the Ferrari that beat Yates' record in 1975?

[WA5KRP]

Stupid Dog (http://rock103.thedataco.com/video/rock103/stupiddog.wmv)


Amazing Dog (http://rock103.thedataco.com/video/rock103/skateboarddog.wmv)

[W2LYS]

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was &quot;The Best.&quot; The arguing became so heated the four service men failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, &quot;Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?&quot;

Saint Peter replied, &quot;I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven.&quot;

Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:

MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE

TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines

SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best

1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.

2. Each serves America well and with distinction.

3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.

4. Always be proud of that.

Warm regards,

GOD, USAF (Retired)

Have a Great Air Force Day!

[WA5KRP]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a Cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar with the Star of David. &quot;My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country! People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you -- especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Cross! In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.&quot;

The beggar turns to the other one with the cross. &quot;Moishe, look who's teaching the Levine Brothers about marketing!&quot;

[WA5KRP]

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Henry loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finally Ernie looks around and asks, &quot;So, who's gonna' tell his wife?&quot; They draw cards. Joe picks the lowest. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

&quot;Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.&quot;

Joe goes over to Henry's apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Joe declares: &quot;Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.&quot;

&quot;Tell him to drop dead!&quot;, says the wife.

&quot;Yes ma'am. I'll go tell him right away.&quot;

[K7JBQ]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (KD7WHQ @ July 29 2004,17:12)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">I'm reading his book right now, and here is a guy who actually RAN in the Cannonball Memorial!
Sheez http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif

So, anyone beat the time of the Ferrari that beat Yates' record in 1975?[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
Yep, in 1979. Dave Heinz and Dave Yarborough, Jaguar XJS, 32 hours 53 minutes, if I recall correctly.

The interesting thing about it is that Jaguar, despite Mike Dale's objections, did its best to hush it all up, since those of us who ran the event were considered (with some justification (grin)) to be a bunch of outlaws.

In fact, my boss at the time at AAA fired me for running it, but HIS boss over-ruled him.

73,
Bill

[W2LYS]

A blonde named Pam is appearing on &quot;Who Wants To Be A Millionaire&quot; with Regis Philbin.

Regis: &quot;Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?&quot;

Pam: &quot;Yes.&quot;

Regis: &quot;Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush?&quot;

Pam: &quot;I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol.&quot;

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: &quot;Hello?&quot;

Regis: &quot;Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's...&quot;

Pam: &quot;Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush?&quot;

Carol: &quot;Oh, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo.&quot;

Pam: &quot;Are you sure?&quot;

Carol: &quot;I'm sure.&quot;

Regis: &quot;Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?&quot;

Pam: &quot;I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo.&quot;

Regis: &quot;Is that your final answer?&quot;

Pam: &quot;Yes.&quot;

Regis: &quot;Are you confident?&quot;

Pam: &quot;Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart.&quot;

Regis: &quot;You said C) cuckoo... and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!&quot;

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're celebrating, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, &quot;Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?&quot;

&quot;That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks.&quot;

[w4rot]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. &quot;How did this
happen?&quot; the emergency room doctor asked her. &quot;Well, I was trying to commit suicide,&quot; the blonde replied. &quot;What?&quot; sputtered the doctor. &quot;You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?&quot; &quot;No, Silly!&quot;
the blonde said.
&quot;First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.&quot;
&quot;So then?&quot; asked the doctor. &quot;Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.&quot; &quot;So then?&quot;
&quot;Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.&quot;

[WA5KRP]

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing five dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, &quot;I worked all last week with a crew building a house.&quot;

&quot;My goodness gracious,&quot; said the teller, &quot;and will you be working on the house again this week, too?&quot;

The little girl replied, &quot;I will if those useless bastards at the lumber yard ever bring us the f**king drywall.&quot;

[WA5KRP]

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and heck, we're not using it anymore.

[WA5KRP]

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, &quot;Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!&quot;, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said, &quot;Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!&quot; before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, &quot;Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love.&quot;

The police chief smiled and said, &quot;Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK.&quot;

&quot;Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!&quot;

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed, &quot;Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!&quot;

To which Pierre replied, &quot;Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.&quot;

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, &quot;NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!&quot;

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, &quot;Mon dieu!&quot; grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, &quot;Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!&quot;

[N7AAO]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

&quot;Certainly madam,&quot; he replied courteously.

&quot;Is the restaurant open still?&quot; inquired Mary.

&quot;Sorry, no,&quot; came the reply, &quot;but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?&quot;

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. &quot;Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,&quot; said Mary.

&quot;Certainly, madam,&quot; he replied.

&quot;And can I have breakfast in bed?&quot; asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

&quot;In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,&quot; Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

&quot;Morning, madam. Sleep well?&quot;

&quot;Yes, thank you,&quot; Mary replied.

&quot;Food to your liking?&quot;

&quot;Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all,&quot; replied Mary truthfully.

&quot;Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,&quot; said the receptionist.

&quot;OK, I will...thanks!&quot; replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

&quot;Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocio us!&quot;

[WA5KRP]

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He had scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works.

Finally he asked her, &quot;Does your mother feed you like this at home?&quot;

&quot;No,&quot; she said, &quot;but my mother's not looking to get into my panties.&quot;

[WA5KRP]

A man walks into an ice cream parlor and says &quot;Can I have a pint of chocolate ice cream, please?&quot;

The clerk looks up and says &quot;Sorry sir, but we don't have any chocolate left.&quot;

After careful pondering the man says, &quot;OK, I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream, then.&quot;

The clerk grows frustrated and replies &quot;No, I'm sorry, there IS NO CHOCOLATE.&quot;

The man apologizes and stares at the menu for a while, and then says &quot;Fine, give me just one scoop of chocolate ice cream please.&quot;

The clerk takes a breath and says &quot;Sir, could you please spell STINK, as in chocolate?&quot;

Intriqued, the man starts to say &quot;S-T... hey, wait a minute, there's no 'stink' in chocolate!&quot;

&quot;NOW we understand each other!&quot;

[W2LYS]

Researchers in Chicago were studying congestion on commuter freeways. Their report found that older vehicles in bad condition were most likely to break down and cause traffic backups. Their solution was to limit main freeway access to specially tagged newer vehicles. Older
cars would be directed to car-rotted arteries.

[w8idb]

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

&quot;WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?&quot;

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:&quot; I've come for some courage.&quot;

&quot;NO PROBLEM!&quot; says the Wizard. &quot;WHO IS NEXT?&quot;

Ronald Reagan steps forward, &quot;Well........., I.......I think I need a brain.&quot;

&quot;DONE&quot; says the Wizard. &quot;WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?&quot;

Up stepped George Bush sadly, &quot;I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.&quot;

&quot;I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!&quot; says the Wizard. &quot;CONSIDER IT DONE.&quot;

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, &quot;WHAT DO YOU WANT?&quot;

&quot;Is Dorothy here?&quot;

[WA5KRP]

http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif Dat's FUNNY!



WA5KRP
Texas

[WA5KRP]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were sitting to one side, eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: &quot;I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that.&quot;

[W4CGP]

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, &quot;How much for a beer?&quot;
The bartender replies, &quot;For you, no charge.&quot;

An atom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him but has second thoughts because he looks like he has had one too many. The bartender says, &quot;I'll serve you this one, but I'm gonna keep an ion you.&quot;

[N7AAO]

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, &quot;Tomorrow rain.&quot;

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, &quot;Tomorrow storm.&quot; The next day there was a hailstorm. &quot;This Indian is incredible,&quot; said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. &quot;I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,&quot; said the director, &quot;and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?&quot;

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. &quot;Don't know,&quot; he said. &quot;Radio is broken.&quot;

[gw4rcm]

Masochist: Whip me whip me hurt me please
Sadist: NO!

[w8idb]

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran
Church. Lena went every
Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on
Christmas and Easter and once
in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays,
he was in the pew right behind Lena and he
noticed vhat a fine looking
woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole
leaned forward and said,
&quot;Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in
New Ulm next Friday?&quot;

&quot;Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,&quot; said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week
long he polished up his old
Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took
her to the finest
restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and
said, &quot;Hey, Lena, vould
you like a cocktail before dinner?&quot;

&quot;Oh, no, Ole,&quot; said Lena. &quot;Vat vould I tell my
Sunday School class?&quot;

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say
much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a
pack of cigarettes. &quot;Hey,
Lena,&quot; said Ole, &quot;vould you like a smoke?&quot;

&quot;Oh, no, Ole,&quot; said Lena. &quot;Vat vould I tell my
Sunday School class?&quot;

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so
he yust got in his Ford
and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot
Springs Motel. He'd
struck out twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose.

&quot;Hey, Lena,&quot; said Ole, &quot;how vould you like to
stop at that motel with me?&quot;

&quot;Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,&quot; said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a
U-turn right then and there
across the median and everything, and drove back
to the motel and checked
in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at
Lena lying there in the
bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. &quot;Vat
have I done? Vat have I
done?&quot; thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. &quot;Lena, I've got to

ask you von ting,&quot; said
Ole. &quot;Vat are you going to tell your Sunday
School class?&quot;

&quot;Lena said, &quot;The same ting I alvays tell dem. You

don't have to smoke and
drink to have a good time!&quot;

[WA5KRP]

On his first official engagement, President Bush rides with the Queen in a carriage of state. All of a sudden the rearmost horse breaks wind.

&quot; I do apologize Mr President,&quot; Said the Queen.

&quot;That's all right Ma'am,&quot; said the President. &quot;I thought it was the horse.&quot;

[k8mmg]

Beer, Golf, Sex &amp; Gambling

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

&quot;If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?&quot;
&quot;No, I had to stop drinking years ago,&quot; the homeless man replied.
&quot;Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?&quot; the man asked.
&quot;No, I don't gamble,&quot; the homeless man said. &quot;I need everything I can get just to stay alive.&quot;
&quot;Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?&quot; the man asked.
&quot;Are you NUTS!&quot; replied the homeless man. &quot;I haven't played golf in 20 years!&quot;
&quot;Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?&quot; the man asked.
&quot;What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!&quot; exclaimed the homeless man.
&quot;Well,&quot; said the man, &quot;I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.&quot;
The homeless man was astounded. &quot;Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.&quot;
The man replied, &quot;That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.&quot;

[W2LYS]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside tragically dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. &quot;I want to be gorgeous,&quot; and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says &quot;I want to be gorgeous too.&quot; Another snap of His fingers and the
wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this
last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: &quot;Make 'em all ugly again&quot;.

SO........................................... THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'................BE HAPPY.

[w8idb]

Laura Bush bought her husband a parrot for his birthday,
and told Dick Cheney, &quot;The bird is so smart! George has
already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!&quot;

&quot;That's impressive, all right,&quot; Cheney said. &quot;But you realize
that he just says the words, right? He doesn't understand
what they mean.&quot;

&quot;That's okay,&quot; she replied. &quot;Neither does the parrot.&quot;

[w8idb]

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the
bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked
the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his
pocket, since he has no arms.

Naturally, the bartender obliged him.

The paraplegic patron then asked if the bartender would tip the
glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.

Then the customer asked if the bartender would get a
handkerchief from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented, &quot;It must be very difficult
not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly
everything for you.&quot;

The man replied, &quot;Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By
the way, where is your restroom?&quot;

Without skipping a beat, the bartender quickly replied, &quot;The
closest one is in the Chinese restaurant two miles down the
road.&quot;

[KF0RT]

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. When the pond was built it was properly shaped and fixed up
nicely for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, since he hadn't been there for a while. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he drew closer, he could see a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He politely made his presence be known to the women, and in doing so, he watched as they all went shuffling to the deepest end of the pond.

One of the women shouted out to him, &quot;We're not coming out until You leave!&quot;

To which the old man replied, &quot;Miss, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim in the nude nor did I come here to make you get out of the pond naked. I merely came down to feed the alligator.&quot;


The Moral Of The Story:

Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.
Always has. Always will.

[W2LYS]

A recently retired Nebraska farmer went to Dallas for the first vacation he had taken in his entire working life. He checked into a downtown hotel, but when he got to his room he immediately called the front desk. The farmer said, &quot;This here bed kin sleep the whole Cornhuskers football team! I only wanted a regular-sized bed.&quot;

The clerk responded, &quot;That is a regular size bed, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!&quot; The farmer went to the hotel's bar and ordered a draught beer. When he was served, he said to the bartender, &quot;This is as big as a milkin' pitcher. I only asked for a glass of beer!&quot;

The bartender answered, &quot;That is a glass of beer, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!&quot;

When the waiter in the hotel's dining room brought out the steak the farmer ordered for dinner, the farmer exclaimed, &quot;That steak's as big as my thigh, the baked potato's bigger 'n a watermelon, and this corn-on-a-cob's as big as a baseball bat! Where'd this come from?&quot;

The waiter replied, &quot;It's all local, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!&quot;

When the waiter asked the farmer if he wanted to see the dessert menu, the farmer said he might be able to squeeze something in, but after consuming all that food and drink he needed to use the restroom first. The waiter directed him to go down the hall to the first door on the right.

By this time, the farmer was quite inebriated and mistakenly went through the first door on the left. He walked across the tiled floor and fell into the swimming pool. When the farmer came sputtering to the surface, he yelled out, &quot;For gawd's sakes, please don't flush!&quot;

[gw4rcm]

The biggest beer producers in the world met for a conference.
At the end of they day they adjourned to the bar for a drink
The president of millers naturally orders a millers
The pres of coors orders a coors
The pres of budweisers orders a bud
the barman asks Arthur Guiness what he wants to drink and to everyones amazement he orders tea.
why don't you have a guinness? they all ask in amazement thinking they have stumbled across an embarrissing secret.
nah says Guinness if you guys aren't drinking beer nor shall I
rcm

[w8idb]

THIS IS A NATIONWIDE BULLETIN.....

A truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked!!

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.......

[W2LYS]

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience. Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said
to the other, &quot;This is the place!&quot; The other replied, &quot;No, it's not!&quot; The first man said, &quot;Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank
on the other side. To which the other man replied, &quot;Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover.&quot;

[WA5KRP]

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.
He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said &quot;Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it.&quot;

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole,he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says &quot;Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green.&quot;

The guy says &quot;Are you out of your mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied.&quot;


Moderator's comment: Remember, no profanity or obscenities on QRZ.com. KRP you KNOW BETTER!

Glen, K9STH

[N7AAO]

One Sunday, a certain preacher decided he needed a day of rest himself, so he called in sick to the church and headed for the golf course.

God, of course, noticed this, and mentioned it to St. Peter. Peter asked God what he was going to do about it. &quot;Oh, I'll punish him. Watch,&quot; was God's response.

On the first hole, the preacher hit a beautiful hole-in-one. Peter looked at God and said, &quot;I thought you were going to punish him!&quot;

God replied, &quot;Who's he going to tell about it?&quot;

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[W2LYS]

We have a new employee at the local Home Depot. He just moved here from Mexico and has proven to be very knowledgeable and helpful to the
sawdust challenged like myself. Yesterday I needed his guidance after ruining several pieces of wood with my newly purchased belt sander. A
fast trip to the store led to the retro question, &quot;Can you tell me the way to sand, Jose?&quot;

[k6pme]

Three Old Ladies at the Ball Game This is a detective story so pay close attention!!! Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Sox baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely while mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.


Based on the given information, what inning is it and
how many players are on base?




Bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.

[w8idb]

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, &quot;I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.&quot;


An Irish boy put his hand up and said, &quot;Please miss, it was St. Patrick.&quot;

The teacher said, &quot;Sorry Sean, that's not correct.&quot; Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, &quot;Please miss, it was St. Andrew.&quot; The teacher replied, &quot;I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either.&quot; Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, &quot;Please miss, it was Jesus Christ.&quot; The teacher said, &quot;That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and I'll give you your $2.&quot;

As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said &quot;You know Hymie, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ,&quot; to which Hymie replied, &quot;I know miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.&quot;

[w8idb]

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said:

&quot;Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?&quot;

&quot;Yes, I know,&quot; said the lady, &quot;I need both hands to hold onto this hat.&quot;

&quot;But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!&quot; said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, &quot;Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!&quot;

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (wa5krp @ Aug. 18 2004,12:22)]Moderator's comment: #Remember, no profanity or obscenities on QRZ.com. #KRP you KNOW BETTER!

Glen, K9STH
Oh hell! I copied and pasted but forgot to edit.

My apologies.



WA5KRP
Texas

[WA5KRP]

Did you hear the invisible man married the invisible woman?

Their children weren't much to look at either.




(I'm sorry)

[w8idb]

Scientists recently announced they will use
lawyers instead of mice for
their experiments for two reasons:
1)The scientists become less attached to the
lawyers.
2)There are some things that even mice won't do.

[WA5KRP]

~~~PREGNANT AT 63!~~~

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was
seen by one of the
new doctors.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room,
she burst out,
screaming
as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the
problem was, and she
told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in
another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the
back where the first
doctor was and demanded, &quot;What's the matter with
you? Mrs. Terry is 63

years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and
you
told her she was pregnant?&quot;

The new doctor continued to write on his
clipboard and without looking

up said, &quot;Does she still have the hiccups?&quot;

[K9STH]

Do you know how many lawyer jokes there are?





Only three, the rest are true stories!

Glen, K9STH

[N7AAO]

Quote[/b] (K9STH @ Aug. 19 2004,13:02)]Do you know how many lawyer jokes there are?

Only three, the rest are true stories!

Glen, K9STH
ROFL, Glen! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

Give Arnie a scratch from me. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

[W2LYS]

Three mice, one from Dallas, one from San Antonio and one from Houston are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Amarillo mouse killed by an eighty year
old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The Dallas mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Houston mouse and says, &quot;When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it
in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.&quot;

The Houston mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Dallas mouse and
replies, &quot;Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.&quot;

The Dallas and Houston mouse then turn to the San Antonio mouse. The San Antonio mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, &quot;I don't have time for this bull. Gotta go home and have sex with the cat.&quot;

[K9STH]

When I worked for Texas Utilities, my office was on the 27th floor and the lawyers were on the 41st floor. They were a separate company but were on permanent retainer by the company. The senior partner was at least 90 years old and he was there almost every day.

Whenever I got a new lawyer joke I would tell it to the attorneys and the secretaries as we rode up or down in the elevator. I asked the senior partner one day if he was offended by lawyer jokes. He replied &quot;I might be if I ever heard one that really wasn't a true story&quot;!

There was a used car lot owner who had been a lawyer. He was being sued by someone who had bought a car from his company and had gotten a real bad deal. On the witness stand his attorney asked him why he had stopped practicing law. The used car salesman replied &quot;I wanted to start getting some respect&quot;! True story, happened in Dallas, Texas, a few years back.

Glen, K9STH

[K7JBQ]

Glen,

One of my sisters is a lawyer. None of my lawyer jokes ever bothered her, until this one:

Q: What's the difference between a woman lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lip gloss.

73,
Bill

[WA5KRP]

http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif DAAAAAAAAAAAANG! That cost me a keyboard!



WA5KRP
Texas

[K9STH]

JBQ:

When did pit bulls start wearing lip gloss?

Glen, K9STH

[K7JBQ]

Glen,
Remember, this is California.

73,
Bill

[w8idb]

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, &quot;I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work.&quot;

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, &quot;I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public.&quot;

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, &quot;I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system.&quot;

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

[K8EEI]

One evening about 3 AM a woman wakes up and finds her husband is not in #bed. She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. # He
appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

&quot;What is the matter #dear?&quot;, she whispers as she steps into the room,
&quot;Why
are you down here at this time of night?&quot;.

The husband looks up from his coffee, &quot;Do you remember 20 years ago when we

were dating, and you were only 16?&quot; he asks solemnly.
&quot;Yes I do&quot; she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. &quot;Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?&quot;
Yes, I do remember says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. &quot;Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?&quot; #&quot; I remember that too&quot; she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,...........................
&quot;I
would have gotten out today&quot;.
http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/sad.gif #http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[kg6saj]

Farmer Joe was driving down the road one day and was suddenly hit by a semi-truck. #A few days later he decided his injuries were serious enough to take the trucking company to court.

In court the trucking companies lawyer started asking Joe some questions:

&quot;Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?&quot; Asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, &quot;Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the....&quot;

&quot;I didn't ask for any details,&quot; the lawyer interrupted, &quot;just answer the question.&quot; &quot;Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!&quot;

Farmer Joe said, &quot;Well I just got ole Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin down the road....&quot;

The lawyer interrupted again and said, &quot;Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.&quot;

By this time the Judge was interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, &quot;I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.&quot;

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, &quot;Well like I was sayin Judge, I had jist loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin her down the road when this huge semi-truck run a stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and poor ole Bessie was thrown plum into the other ditch. I was hurtin real bad and didn't want to move. But, I could hear ole Bessie moanin and groanin. I knowed she was in terrible pain by all the noises she was a makin.

It weren't long after the wreck a Highway Patrolman showed up. He could hear Bessie moanin and groanin so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her right tween the eyes.

Then he came across the road with the gun in his hand and looked at me and said, &quot;Mister, your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her... How're you feelin?&quot;

[gw4rcm]

Appoliges if you've heard this one before.
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a U.S naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfounland.

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to avoid a collision.

American: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadian: Negative. you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

American:This is the Captain of a U.S Navy ship. I say again,divert your course.

Canadian:No I say again, you divert your course.

American:This is the Aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet.
We are are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north or counter measure will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians:This is a lighthouse .your call

No flames please, I'm telling it as I read it
73
Dennis

[K7JBQ]

Dennis,

Yes, I've read it before. It's great.

73,
Bill

[WA6CAW]

Darren and Kylie decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. &quot;There's a car being towed from the parking lot,&quot; he said. &quot;An ambulance just drove by.&quot; A few moments passed.

&quot;Looks like the Anderson's have company,&quot; he called out. &quot;Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.&quot;

Mom and dad shot up in bed. &quot;How do you know that?&quot; the startled father asked.

&quot;Their kid is standing out on the balcony...&quot; his son replied.

[K9STH]

Back in the 1960s when the British and the Americans were flying a lot of training missions together, the Brits would often &quot;taunt&quot; the USAF pilots by calling for an &quot;authentication&quot; that required a &quot;Y Y&quot; response. Of course the British tower would come back with &quot;Yankee Yankee&quot; putting a &quot;kind of pained&quot; emphasis on the words.

After this happened a few times, the USAF pilots would call for an &quot;authentication&quot; from their tower that required an &quot;L L&quot; response. However, instead of using &quot;Lima Lima&quot; per the &quot;regulation&quot; phonetic alphabet, the USAF tower started replying &quot;Limey Limey&quot; in a &quot;pained&quot; voice! It wasn't long before the &quot;Y Y&quot; authentication was shelved.

Glen, K9STH

[gw4rcm]

An Aircraft was flying across the Atlantic with an American #a Frenchman a Brit #and a Mexican on board, when one of the engines failed (must have been a Boeing) The pilot came into the cabin and advised the passengers of the problem and asked for a volunteer to jump out to lighten the load,the Brit promptly jumped out with the cry God save the Queen. A little later another engine failed and the pilot asked for another volunteer to help with the load, the Frenchman jumped out with the cry Vive la France, later still the third engine failed and again the pilot asked for a volunteer the American stood up cried, Remember the Alamo
and kicked out the Mexican
73
Dennis

[KF0RT]

Quote[/b] (gw4rcm @ Aug. 19 2004,19:06)]An Aircraft was flying across the Atlantic with an American #a Frenchman a Brit #and a Mexican on board, when one of the engines failed (must have been a Boeing) The pilot came into the cabin and advised the passengers of the problem and asked for a volunteer to jump out to lighten the load,the Brit promptly jumped out with the cry God save the Queen. A little later another engine failed and the pilot asked for another volunteer to help with the load, the Frenchman jumped out with the cry Vive la France, later still the third engine failed and again the pilot asked for a volunteer the American stood up cried, Remember the Alamo
and kicked out the Mexican
73
Dennis
Geez, Dennis, you SURE you're not a Texan? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[N7AAO]

Quote[/b] (KF0RT @ Aug. 19 2004,19:08)]Quote[/b] (gw4rcm @ Aug. 19 2004,19:06)]An Aircraft was flying across the Atlantic with an American a Frenchman a Brit and a Mexican on board, when one of the engines failed (must have been a Boeing) The pilot came into the cabin and advised the passengers of the problem and asked for a volunteer to jump out to lighten the load,the Brit promptly jumped out with the cry God save the Queen. A little later another engine failed and the pilot asked for another volunteer to help with the load, the Frenchman jumped out with the cry Vive la France, later still the third engine failed and again the pilot asked for a volunteer the American stood up cried, Remember the Alamo
and kicked out the Mexican
73
Dennis
Geez, Dennis, you SURE you're not a Texan? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
I think he is... Texas must have seceeded and the IARU granted them the GW call sign series. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (N7AAO @ Aug. 19 2004,21:11)]I think he is... Texas must have seceeded and the IARU granted them the GW call sign series.
Well how the hellyadoin? Ya'll talk politics in here? Any ya'll black......ah sheeeeeet, errrrrrrrrr Mexican?
http://rock103.com/crew/pics/bush-black-vote.jpg

Wait a minute........what kinda place is this?



GWB
Hellyeyesss, Texas

[N7AAO]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

- On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

- On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

- On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

- Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

- On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

- On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

- On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

- On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

- On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

- On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

- On a kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.

- On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

- On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

- On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

- On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

- On a chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

[W2LYS]

We know about the precipitation in the
Pacific Northwest. One would expect
that because it's Rainier in Washington.

In the Science Museum in Washington's
capital the various rooms are named for
famous scientists. The Men's Rest Room
is the Olympia Newton John.

[N7AAO]

Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ Aug. 20 2004,08:36)]We know about the precipitation in the
Pacific Northwest. #One would expect
that because it's Rainier in Washington.

In the Science Museum in Washington's
capital the various rooms are named for
famous scientists. #The Men's Rest Room
is the Olympia Newton John.
At Pike Place Market in Seattle, the tile in the hallway outside one set of bathrooms has a subtle reminder... in front of one door is an &quot;XX&quot; pattern and in front of the other is &quot;XY&quot;. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[K7JBQ]

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.

One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using autographed (Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. &quot;I give you my blessings for your brave actions,&quot; he told them. &quot;I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own
eyes that this is not true.&quot;

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick &quot;Who was that?&quot;

&quot;It was the Pope,&quot; Dick replied. &quot;He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom.&quot;

&quot;Well,&quot; President Bush said, &quot;he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing................how's the bait holding up?&quot;

[W2LYS]

I Hear Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner have founded a college fraternity. It's called Psi Phi and conforms to all the Greek conventions.

[W4CGP]

There was a blonde who was walking down the street and saw a banana peel and said, &quot;Oh no! Here we go again!&quot;

[W4CGP]

I was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A medical billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to mine. When I called to complain, I was told to get a new number.

&quot;I've had mine for twenty years,&quot; I pleaded. &quot;Couldn't you change yours?&quot;

The company refused.

So I said, &quot;Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that the bill is paid in full.&quot;

The company got a new number the next day.

[WA6CAW]

The latest Lawyer Jokes:


1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of
lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She
has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies
on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only One. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you
afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to
climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 ? Your honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some
things a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets
frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing
tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

And, drum roll please...

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

[N7AAO]

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif Good ones, CAW! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[K4JSR]

Quote[/b] (N7AAO @ Aug. 21 2004,12:05)]http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif Good ones, CAW! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif
Are saying that those were something to &quot;CROW&quot; about?

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

73, Cal K4JSR http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/blues.gif

[N7AAO]

Quote[/b] (K4JSR @ Aug. 21 2004,12:32)]Quote[/b] (N7AAO @ Aug. 21 2004,12:05)]http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif Good ones, CAW! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif
Are saying that those were something to &quot;CROW&quot; about?

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

73, Cal K4JSR http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/blues.gif
Punny, Cal, very punny!

Get thee to a punnery!

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[N7AAO]

Crossbred Dogs

Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.

Bull Terrier x ####zu = Bull####z, a gregarious but unreliable breed.

Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

[WA5KRP]

Dear Diary:
May 30th: Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least its kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the upholstery. The car now smells like Kibbles and sh*ts. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. I'm gonna kill the next guy that says, &quot;But it's a dry heat!&quot; Yeah, so's a freakin' oven!

July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature all the way down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do #### for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, &quot;Hot enough for you today?&quot; My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Freakin' Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.



OUY!

[KB1GYQ]

Quote[/b] (N7AAO @ Aug. 21 2004,16:37)]Crossbred Dogs
...
Bull Terrier x ####zu = Bull####z, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
...
Now who's gone to the dogs?

[gw4rcm]

Dear Sir

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paid job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my two sons perish in the Iraq war.
I lost my home, and my life insurance.

As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants, to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year . Bush has to go.

I just thought you and your readers would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush administration

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Sincerely
Saddam Hussein

[N7AAO]

Quote[/b] (KB1GYQ @ Aug. 21 2004,15:54)]Quote[/b] (N7AAO @ Aug. 21 2004,16:37)]Crossbred Dogs
...
Bull Terrier x ####zu = Bull####z, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
...
Now who's gone to the dogs?
I always thought that was the breed that beer was named after.

Oh, stupid me, that's SCHLITZ.

My bad, sorry.

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[K9STH]

RCM:

I let my wife read your post. As she started to read it she became a &quot;bit&quot; upset. Then, when she read the &quot;signature&quot; I had to get her off the floor, she was laughing so hard!

Glen, K9STH

[KB5WX]

Strange , Glen , but I had the very same thing happen to my wife when she read it .

[gw4rcm]

Three texan surgeons were arguing as to which of them had the greatest skill. The first stated:three years ago, I re-attached seven fingers on a pianist, He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon replied: That's nothong. I attended a man in a car accident, all his arms and legs were severed from his body.Two years later he won three gold medals in the Olympics.
The third grinned sheepishly and said A few years ago I attended to a cowboy. he was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head first into a Santa Fe freight train at 100mph. All i had to work with was the horses ass and a ten gallon hat.Last year he became president of the U.S.A

[K9STH]

The late Lester Maddox, who was a two-term governor of the State of Georgia and was an avowed segregationist (actually he did so much for the blacks in Georgia his first term that they overwhelmingly voted for him for a second term), used to own the Pickrick Restaurant which was adjacent to the Georgia Tech campus. As a result, I met him numerous times while I was a student there. Of course, this was before he was elected governor.

He would come around to the patrons' tables with an iced tea pitcher (providing your 2nd, or 3rd, or whatever glass of iced tea). He would always ask if someone at the table wanted to purchase stock in his &quot;newest&quot; company. Usually there was someone at the table who hadn't heard this before and would almost always ask what he was going to do. Lester always replied that they were going to manufacture the front end of horses and send them to Washington, D.C. for final assembly!

The first Christmas that Maddox was governor he gave like 500 prison inmates a one-week furlough to go home for the holidays. This included convicted murderers serving life sentences, burglars, etc. Of course most of the populace of the state were aghast at this. However, all but 3 of them returned to prison on the day that they were due back. The 3 that had to be re-arrested were actually in prision for relatively minor crimes! From what I read, all of the lifers and major criminals returned voluntarily. Since the majority of these criminals were black (the majority of the prisoners in the system were black) that action really made &quot;points&quot; for Maddox in the black community.

Glen, K9STH

[KB1GYQ]

Quote[/b] (K9STH @ Aug. 22 2004,00:31)]... Lester always replied that they were going to manufacture the front end of horses and send them to Washington, D.C. for final assembly!...
rotflmaa

[WA5KRP]

Lester Maddox made George Wallace look like a flaming liberal.


Fantastic story.




WA5KRP
Texas

[K4JSR]

Glen, you made a small error about Mr. Maddox. He
could not run for a second term as Governor because of a
one term limit that was in effect (Thank God!) until after
every liberal's favorite President, Jimmy Carter, had
served as Governor. Mr. Maddox was elected as Lt. Governor during the Carter years.
Surprisingly, Mr. Maddox was not elected as Governor by the people of Georgia but by the State Legislature.
Bo Callaway, a Republican, had the plurality in a three way election. Georgia had no provision for a run-off in
the Gubernatorial election, so the whole mess went to
the Democrat controlled (Totally back then.) Legislature.
Mr. Maddox was a Democrat and naturally got the vote from the legislators.
To Mr. Maddox's credit, he did far more than any previous governor (Including Carter.) for black people.
Not only did he do the Prisoner release that you mentioned, but he also appointed many blacks to senior
level positions in state government. He also &quot;outed&quot; some of the &quot;Good Ole Boy Network&quot;, and instituted
many reforms within the government.

You forgot to mention the Black Macaw that would often
greet people entering the PickRick with, &quot;What's your name?&quot;, and long lascivious wolf whistles!
The man most people remember as a racist and a staunch segregationist was probably one of Georgia's best public servants in the twentieth century.
History, if not revised, will be far kinder to Lester Maddox than most people were who lived in his era.
All of this comes from one who worked really hard not to
let him be elected. I was pleasantly surprised by his
leadership as Governor. May he rest in peace.

73, Cal K4JSR

[K9STH]

I remember the night of the &quot;run off&quot; in the legislature and the problems that the &quot;independent&quot; former Democrat governor caused Bo Calloway. I also remember the speeches from some of the Democrats saying that they could not vote for Maddox and the speeches from those who said that they could not vote for a Republican!

I was &quot;long gone&quot; from the state when he was elected Lt. Governor. I had thought that he was elected governor again! But, I should have remembered because I met Jimmy Carter when he was running for governor. My wife and I were back in Georgia to visit my mother-in-law and it was my wife's eldest sister's eldest daughter's high school graduation. Jimmy Carter was the &quot;featured&quot; speaker and made sure that he &quot;pressed the flesh&quot; with as many of the audience that he could.

My senior year at Georgia Tech the school purchased the Pickrick building and remodeled it into the placement center (where the graduating students went to see about jobs, etc.). They did tear down the &quot;Maddox Memorial&quot; which was a small replica of the Washington Memorial except that there was a small coffin inside with a copy of the United States Constitution in it!

Maddox employed almost all blacks in the Pickrick and treated them very well. Frankly, in terms of a segregationist during those times, I think he was much more &quot;show&quot; to gain the attention of the media and to get the &quot;red neck&quot; vote. He actually was a very likable person.

I went along with a fraternity brother to interview him for a class assignment and spent about an hour with only the 3 of us. He was very interesting to say the least!

Glen, K9STH

[W2LYS]

A couple was celebrating their GOLDEN wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
Everyone said &quot;What a peaceful &amp; loving couple&quot;.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

&quot;Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,&quot; explained the man.

&quot;We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled My wife quietly said 'That's once.

&quot;We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said: 'That's twice.'

&quot;We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver (gun) from her purse and shot the horse dead.

&quot;I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said: 'That's once'.

[WA5KRP]

The last fight was my fault. My wife had asked,
&quot;What's on the TV?&quot;


I said, &quot;Dust.&quot;

[k8mmg]

The Phone Call:


A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls
home
and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
MAID: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his
wife.
The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, &quot;Listen, would you like to
make
$50,000?
MAID: Of course! What will I have to do?
WIFE: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the
woman
he's with.
The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then
gunshots,
then more footsteps.
MAID: What do I do with the bodies?
WIFE: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
MAID: There's no pool here.
A long pause....................
WIFE: Is this 555-4821?

[gw4rcm]

Some time ago Bill Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last moment his regular chef took ill, and they had to replace him. The guy who arrived turned out to be a very grubby man called John.
The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could find at short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the chef sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and he again voiced his concerns to the chief of staff.
The meal went very well but the president thought the soup tasted a bit off #and by the time dessert came he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to find a bathroom. Passing the kitchen he caught sight of th chef picking his nose and scratching his rear end which made him feel worse . By now he was desperately ill with cramps and was so disoriented he could not find the bathroom . finding a door open he undone his trouser and stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his ankles. As he was about to pass out , she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice &quot;sack the cook&quot;. And that is how the whole misunderstanding took place
RCM

[kg6saj]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, &quot;It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm--the front of the church fills first.&quot;

The younger priest nodded, and the old priest continued, &quot;And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.&quot;

&quot;Thank you, Father,&quot; answered the young priest. &quot;I am pleased that you
are open to the new ideas of youth.&quot;

&quot;However, &quot; said the elderly priest, &quot;I am afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional.&quot;

&quot;But, Father, &quot; protested the young priest, &quot;my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!&quot;

&quot;I know, son,&quot; replied the elderly priest, &quot;but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to H~~~,' can't stay on the church roof.&quot;

[W2LYS]

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new &quot;city&quot; outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if
she could help him, he answered, &quot;Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit.&quot;

Her eyes lit up as she asked, &quot;Where would you like to start?&quot;

&quot;Well, ma'am, how about a suit?&quot;

&quot;Yes sir. What size?&quot;

&quot;Size 53 tall, ma'am.&quot;

&quot;Wow, that's really big.&quot;

&quot;Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas.&quot;

&quot;What's next?&quot; she asked.

He replied, &quot;How about some shoes?&quot;

&quot;What size?&quot;

&quot;Size 15 double E.&quot;

&quot;Wow, that's really big!&quot;

&quot;Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas.&quot;

&quot;What's next?&quot;

Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt.&quot;

&quot;Yes sir. What size?&quot;

&quot;Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38,&quot; he replied.

&quot;Wow, that's really big!&quot;

&quot;Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas.&quot;

&quot;Will there be anything else?&quot; she asked.

&quot;Yes ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat.&quot;

&quot;Yes sir.

What size? and style?&quot; &quot;Eight and five-eighths. Stetson.&quot;

Wow, that's really big!&quot;

&quot;Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas.&quot;

She virtually glowed as she asked, &quot;Is there anything else I can do for you?&quot;

&quot;No ma'am , I reckon that will be all.&quot;

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, &quot;Sir, could I ask you a question?&quot;

&quot;Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches.&quot;

Astonished, she blurted out, &quot;Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!&quot;

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan
replied,.......................................... ..

From the floor ma'am.................From the floor.

[W2LYS]

Titleist has just introduced a new universal golf club, designed especially for travelers. It is a single adjustable club that replaces all the clubs that a golfer normally uses, so it fits in a suitcase and doesn't force passengers to check their bags when flying. It's also
useful because it takes up so little space that golfers can just leave it in the trunks of their cars, and sneak out for a round of golf without their spouses being any the wiser. The club utilizes a B-nut (like a wing-nut, but B shaped) to adjust the angle of the head to any
angle, from putter to sand wedge and everything in between. It is, of course, known as a B-nut putter-sandwedge.

[W2LYS]

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, &quot;Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen.&quot; One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, &quot;You know ... I think I just heard a discouraging word.&quot;

[n0ov]

While suturing a laceration on the hand of an 80-year-old grizzled Texas rancher (whose hand had caught in a gate #while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about John Kerry's possibility of being in the White House.

The old Texan said, &quot;Well, ya know, Kerry's one of them 'post turtles'.&quot;

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was..

The old man said, &quot;Well, when you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.&quot;

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to #explain, &quot;You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down 'afore he hurts hisself.&quot;

[W2LYS]

Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, He sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that . . .
it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.

[W2LYS]

Stuck in traffic for what felt like eons, I couldn't help but notice the license plate on the car in front of me. It read, &quot;BAA BAA.&quot; I was clueless as to why it was chosen until I looked at the vehicle to which the plate was attached. It was a black Jeep.

[K4JSR]

LYS, you scared me with that last one. I thought you were going to sing us a Baa Baa Striesand song! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wow.gif

73 Cal K4JSR

[W2LYS]

I try to limit the number of people I inflict my singing on...

[w5alt]

Three little boys were talking about their dads who were all smokers. The first boy says &quot;My dad is so cool he can blow smoke out of his mouth and nose at the same time.&quot;

The second boy says &quot;That's nothing. My dad can blow smoke out of his mouth and nose and ears at the same time.&quot;

The third boy says &quot;That's nothing. My dad can blow smoke out of his mouth, nose, ears and butt!&quot;

After a minute one of the kids asked &quot;How do you know your dad blows smoke out of his butt?&quot;

&quot;Easy&quot; answers the third boy. &quot;I saw the nicotine stains in his underwear.&quot;

[KA9VQF]

I've been accused of trying to blow smoke up someones.....nevermind

[WA6CAW]

A grade-one teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Here's what they said:

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty

If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . stink in the morning

Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents

Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box

Better late than . . . pregnant

[W2LYS]

A rather innocent young man wandered into the wrong kind of massage parlor one day. He was ready to leave immediately but curiosity kept him glued to the floor, taking in all he could see. Finally the manager
approached him, saying "Excuse me, sir-are you a member of this club?" "Oh, no," said the young man, "I'm just aghast."

[WA5KRP]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder.

It's 'Miracle Grow'."

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on
Galveston Isle in his Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic
commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws
of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came
racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush
quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out

and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then
using (autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two heroes beat
the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you
my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there
was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I
have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and
has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he
doesn't know squat about shark fishing................how's the bait
holding up?"

[n0ov]

New exercise routine if you're over 40


There's a new exercise routine for those over 40.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become > > >more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >SCROLL DOWN...
> > >
> > >
> > >
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> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >NOW SCROLL UP...
> > >
> > >
That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate

[K8ERV]

I wish you guys would quit it, or I am going to have to mop up the floor!!

TOM K8ERV Montrose Colo

[w8idb]

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings, a man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, Its me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"Whats the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year -- its on sale! Remember? The one with a pool English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property . . ."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000. A magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it!"
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.
OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! Ill see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye, I love you, too!"

The man hangs up, closes the phones flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present.

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[w8idb]

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya goanna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the Chairman of the board of Enron.

[K4JSR]

Hey KRP! Just what do Red Dux have to do with this fowl thread? #Some of these red dux are not all they were quacked up to be, #In fact some are real "DOWNers"!
I guess we could tell all of these migratory red dux to go flock themselves.

By the way, speaking of fowl humor, you heard about that viral disease going around now, haven't you? #No?
Well, it is called Chirpees. It is a canarial disease and
is un-tweetable. #I guess if the red dux got it, you could
call it a MALLARDy. #
And that is my