JOKE THREAD REDUX

[KA9VQF]

Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars . ."she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides,what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

I'm making luff to my Vife ," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Vell," says Ole, " I din't neder, 'til you shine that damm light in her face

[KB9YFI]

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit...

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink
and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're
starting to act like Mr. Clinton!

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..........

"It's pronounced, 'Quiche'

[KF0RT]

This explains it all!!


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House", for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lapiz.."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won...

[KF0RT]

Kudos to Danny (KRP) and the Joke Thread. 2K posts in just under 3 years, and always in the first two pages.

Keep 'em laffin'!

73, Rob

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (KF0RT @ June 07 2007,07:57)]Kudos to Danny (KRP) and the Joke Thread. #2K posts in just under 3 years, and always in the first two pages.

Keep 'em laffin'!

73, Rob
Kudos to the humorists that plaigerize jokes off the internet and keep it going! #The surprising thing about this thread is that, on average, it gets 32+ hits for every post.

Sooooooooooooo.....Fred, can I get a little ad money out of this?



WA5KRP
http://deephousepage.com/smilies/hidesbehindsofa.gif
Texas

[KW4MW]

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate." Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read, "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

[K7FE]

Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ June 07 2007,22:58)]Quote[/b] (KF0RT @ June 07 2007,07:57)]Kudos to Danny (KRP) and the Joke Thread. 2K posts in just under 3 years, and always in the first two pages.

Keep 'em laffin'!

73, Rob
Kudos to the humorists that plaigerize jokes off the internet and keep it going! The surprising thing about this thread is that, on average, it gets 32+ hits for every post.

Sooooooooooooo.....Fred, can I get a little ad money out of this?



WA5KRP
http://deephousepage.com/smilies/hidesbehindsofa.gif
Texas
"The check is in the mail."


.

[WA5KRP]

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how friging likely is THAT to happen?"

[WA5KRP]

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?" To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. #L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

[KF0RT]

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be
one ruble," says the bartender.

"One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only
fifty kopecks!"

"Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopecks for the
beer and fifty kopecks for the perestroika."

Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and
is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecks
and says, "We are out of beer."

[KF0RT]

[Watch your spelling]

A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read,
"Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the
waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that
correct?"

"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."

"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They
must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated,
astounded.

"Yes," she insisted.

"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited
him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand
on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, "Once
upon a time there was a really big, red lobster..."

[KF0RT]

A man met a beautiful blond lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

Then she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Pierre, South Dakota and worked both sides of the river."

[ab8ma]

There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last.

[ab8ma]

I was walking down the street yesterday and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

[WA5KRP]

A woman comes home and tells her husband,

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these #years? Well,
they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies,

"Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at #myself and repeat

I do not have a headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.' It worked!

The headaches are all gone."

Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says,

"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these
last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, #rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries #her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says,"Don't move, I'll be #right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. #Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!"


Arrangements are pending.

[WA5KRP]

An old Native Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Natives were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[KF0RT]

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.

The engineer raised his gun (with silencer) and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.

The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired his gun (with silencer). The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.

The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him! We got him!"

[KG6YTZ]

...and the moose just stood there after that first shot? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif Hey, I'm a Californian. I don't know moose. [Mooses? Meese?] Would they?

How 'bout them Moose Goosers? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[KW4MW]

Quote[/b] ]...and the moose just stood there after that first shot?

Well it was northern Canada, maybe the moose was frozen in his tracks.

[KG6YTZ]

Them Moose Goosers
by Mason Williams

How 'bout them moose goosers, ain't they recluse?
Up in them boondocks, goosin' them moose
Goosin' them huge moose, goosin' them tiny
Goosin' them meadow moose in they hiney
Look at them moose goosers, ain't they dumb
Some use an umbrella, some use their thumb
Them obtuse moose goosers sneakin' through the woods
Pokin' them snoozy moose in they goods
How to be a moose gooser, it'll turn ya puce
Get your gooser loose and rouse a drowsy moose

[KG6YTZ]

...and in tribute to Mason Williams, here is yours truly with... THEM SKIP-TALKERS!

How 'bout them skip-talkers, ain't they bizarre?
Always tryin' to talk to any place what's far
Talkin' to Australia, talkin' to Japan
Talkin' to skip-talkers from skip-land
Them dog-walkin' skip-talkers, ain't they sublime?
Sittin' and a skip-talkin' all they time
Some use a footwarmer, some use a beam
Some of them ain't loud, but some of them scream
Them cotton-pickin' skip-talkers, soundin' so nuts
Sittin' and a skip-talkin' on they butts
How to be a skip-talker? It'll be a shock
Find yourself some skip-land, key down and talk!

And here I am "performing" it (http://members.aol.com/kg6ytz/bin/webpost/skiptalk.mp3)! #http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[This is a simulation of a live on-stage performance. #No actual audience members' eyes, ears, or sensibilities were harmed. #Produced at home entirely in GoldWave, using audience sounds from an original Mason Williams recording of one of his "Them Poems." #The voice is mine. #The accent is a bit of a put-on.]

Edit: I am now tossing around some ideas in my head for Them Paper Chasers. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

[WA5KRP]

Subject: Why it's important to say the right thing
(or how to get what you really want!)



Jose and Carlos are panhandling on the street.


Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of
money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every
day.

Jose says, "Look at your sign. #It says: 'I have no work, a wife and 6
kids to support.'" #

My sign says, "I only need another $10.00 to
move back to Mexico."

Simple, no?

[KF0RT]

Quote[/b] (KG6YTZ @ June 25 2007,21:33)]...and the moose just stood there after that first shot? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif Hey, I'm a Californian. I don't know moose. [Mooses? Meese?] Would they?

How 'bout them Moose Goosers? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
There. Fixed. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

73, Rob

[AB1FV]

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar, and the bartender walks up and says, "I'll serve you, but don't you "start" anything!"

[KG6YTZ]

Quote[/b] (KF0RT @ June 28 2007,06:12)]Quote[/b] (KG6YTZ @ June 25 2007,21:33)]...and the moose just stood there after that first shot? #http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif
There. #Fixed. # http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif #http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

73, Rob
http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif oooooookeydokey... http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

Dangit, now I can't think of any good hunting jokes to contribute. Unless maybe I toss in this pair o' kiddy-graders:

Q. How do you catch a unique tiger?
A. You "neak" up on him.

Q. How do you catch a tame tiger?
A. The tame way.

Sorry... That's the best I could do at the moment. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

[w7lpn]

Supposedly really happened as reported by a Nurse @ the VA hospital.
A guy was swimming or skinny dipping in a cold lake and his nether regions shrank up very tiny. He got out of the cold water and sat on a warm wooden bench where his testicles soon grew back to normal and drooped between the planks. Now the man was trapped with his swollen testicles dangling between the board, and had to have the fire department carefully remove the planks on both sides of him, with a crowd gathered around to watch. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[ab8ma]

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
*********************** ***

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
***************** *********

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
******* *******************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming"
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be. "
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."
*********************** ***

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills"
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[WA5KRP]

There was a college football coach that had a player on his team that was a bit slow. The Dean told him that if the player could learn the formula for water, then he would be allowed to play in the big game.

The day of the big game came and the Dean called the player into his office and asked him to recite the formula for water.

The player grinned real big and said, "H I J K L M N O."



(It'll come around.)

[K7FE]

First Female President, and she's Jewish....

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the First woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take You home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown Custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Mom, I Really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America .

In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her.

"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

[WA5KRP]

A guy#is 81 years old and loves to fish. #He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. #He thought he was dreaming when he#heard#the voice say again, "Pick me up." #He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The#frog#said, #"Yes, I'm talking to you. #Pick me up. #Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. #I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The#man#looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the#frog said, "What, are you nuts? #Didn't you hear what I said? #I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, #looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[g1abw]

Exercise for the over 50's.

Just came across this exercise suggested for older adults, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

[w7lpn]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started…







Shut up. You know it's funny. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[ab8ma]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized? "

The blonde said, "No, just up to my breasts." " I can splash it on my eyes."

[WB5HQH]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all
talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest
person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly
confused and says, "Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?"

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (g1abw @ July 17 2007,15:37)]After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Somebody give that British mo'fo' the Distinguished Mo'Fo' Cross. I wasted a perfectly wonderful beer on that one. All over the floor.

WA5KRP
Texas

[WA5KRP]

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. #The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.

When he died he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren, and a 22 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Like, duh.........

[K7FE]

I woke up my wife laughing so loud Danny.

[KG6YTZ]

Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ July 24 2007,19:57)]Quote[/b] (g1abw @ July 17 2007,15:37)]After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Somebody give that British mo'fo' the Distinguished Mo'Fo' Cross. #I wasted a perfectly wonderful beer on that one. #All over the floor.
Aye, t'was a good one. I passed it around to a few people. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

Q.: What's green and bumpy and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?

A.: A 4-door pickle!

[w7lpn]

Blonde in Starbucks....


A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.



So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'



The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'



But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'



Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

because we didn't have that as a prize.



The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!'



And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)

'W I N A B A G E L'


http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[ab8ma]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
> A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
> The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
> The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
> The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,
> "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
> The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.!!!!!!!!!!

[n2cfj]

A blonde goes to a new doctor complaining of chest pain. Afterwards her friend asks how she liked the new doc.

She answered, "That doctor is a pervert. After having me get undressed and examining me all over, he has the nerve to tell me that I have a cute angina."

[K7FE]

Have you ever wondered how the cursor works on your computer? A friend came across this explanation and sent it to me. I thought you would appreciate it. It takes a few seconds to load.
I like to share educational info with you.

The Japanese have finally revealed a mystery for you. How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now,through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.

Click on the link below and you will find out. The image may take a minute or two to download and when it appears, slowly move your mouse around over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works.

Follow this link and find out the truth


http://www.1-click.jp/

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (K7FE @ July 26 2007,00:52)]Have you ever wondered how the cursor works on your computer? #A friend came across this explanation and sent it to me. I thought you would appreciate it. #It takes a few seconds to load.
I like to share educational info with you.

The Japanese have finally revealed a mystery for you. # How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the mouse? # #Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now,through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done. #With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the #mechanism becomes apparent.

Click on the link below and you will find out. The image may take a #minute or two to download and when it appears, slowly move your mouse around over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works.

Follow this link and find out the truth


http://www.1-click.jp/
Terry,


I just bought a $575#precision clock (http://www.boredmuch.com/view.php?id=343) coordinated with WWV.


WOW, or what!



WA5KRP
Modern Times, Texas

[WA5KRP]

The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[WA5KRP]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[W1GUH]

Quote[/b] (KG6YTZ @ July 23 2007,23:33)]Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ July 24 2007,19:57)]Quote[/b] (g1abw @ July 17 2007,15:37)]After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Somebody give that British mo'fo' the Distinguished Mo'Fo' Cross. #I wasted a perfectly wonderful beer on that one. #All over the floor.
Aye, t'was a good one. #I passed it around to a few people. #http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

Q.: What's green and bumpy and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?

A.: A 4-door pickle!
I was going to go into a bunch of grape jokes, you know,
what's purple and big? #Moby Grape

What's purple and goes slam,slam..well, you alread know that one

But then I realized I didn't know any others.

So I'll go with the elephant jokes...

How can you tell there's an elephant in your bathtub?

You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle?

He doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.

How do you get 4 elephants in a VW?

Two in the front, two in the back.

Did you hear about the elephant that walked into the Dallas police HQ in Nov., 63? #Nobody ever saw him.

Enough! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[ka3trx]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English
recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[WA5KRP]

The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends. THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats. The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.

After about a minute or so he spoke, "From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. #You cannot use them as you recite or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once will get you a failing grade for that quarter."

"The first one is 'gross'. #And the other one is 'cool'. #Are there any questions?"

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him. #In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...

"So, what are they?"

[ab8ma]

Hey. A belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOKE THREAD REDUX.

Edit. Thanks Danny.

[ab8ma]

This is fascinating. I hope the link works for you.

worldclock (http://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swf)

This is fascinating. It connects you to
a clock that shows how many deaths, births, barrels of oil,
cars, prison
inmates, illegal aliens, marriages divorces, all kinds of stuff
are
happening. And at the top you can click on the buttons to make
the
clock show it in terms of this year, this month, this week, this
day or
NOW. If you click on "NOW" it's kind of neat watching these
things
happen as you watch.

Makes you think and appreciate.

[n0jaa]

I'm sure you all can relate to this!


Wait Upon the Lord

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached; there in the window were a host of goodies.

I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! #God is so Good!"


## # # # -- Author Unknown (probably too embarrassed to own up to it!)


http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[ab8ma]

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time.
The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.


I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Three out of five people aren't the other two.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Every string with one end also has another end. - Fingle's First Fundamental Finding.

Forgot to add, therefore edit:

If you're one in a million, there are 4,000 people out there just like you.

[N0KLT]

To add to 8MA's list : there are 10 different kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who don't. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[W1GUH]

Inspired by the lightning thread....

A man was out golfing with the pastor of his church. #On the first green, he misses a one foot putt and mutters, "Missed @#$% it!" #The pastor admonished him about using the lord's name in vain, and the man apologized and said he'd try and stop.

Well, on the next green and every on up to the 18th, the same story unfolded. #But when they were putting on the 18th green, all of a sudden the sky darkened and a terrible storm blanketed the golf course. #All of a sudden a massive lightning bolt came down from the sky and zapped the pastor into a pile of ashes. #Before the man could collect his thoughts, he heard a deep, booming voice come out of the sky:

"Missed, @#$% it!"

[KW4MW]

A guy sees his best friend on the street. The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit. Lime colored trousers, a puff sleeved, lavender shirt, a puce ascot, etc. So he asks his friend, "What in the world is wrong with you?"

"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.

"Your wife?" queries the first guy.

"Yeah. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a great sale on seersucker suits. So I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one of those seersucker suits. So what does she do? She goes to Sears".

[K7FE]

Don't ask Grandma silly questions

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[n0ov]

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said "Entertain people, do monkey tricks,, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said,, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten. So that's what I'll do too. okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex. enjoy. Do nothing. just enjoy,, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty and the forty cow gave back and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty. okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

[WA5KRP]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars:

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."

[ab8ma]

25 Signs that Your Getting OLD

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[ab8ma]

25. You did not notice there were only 24 items in the list.

[WA5KRP]

Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

"Oh, OK," and he went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! #And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"

[WA5KRP]

River of Beer (http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/23302/1h/cchannel.download.akamai.com/23302/swearjar.wmv)

[WA5KRP]

SOPHISTICATION CAN BE A CHALLENGE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pyjRj3UMRM)

[WA5KRP]

The duration of a minute varies by one's position in relation to the bathroom door.

[ab8ma]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
in a very Sexy
nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything
you want.' So he
tied her up and went golfing.


*****************************************
A woman came home,
screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed
the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey,
pack your bags. I
won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach
stuff or mountain
stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


****** ********************************************
Marriage is a
relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a
husband.
**********************************************
A Polish
immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of
course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card

with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the
optician asked. 'Read
it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************
Mother Superior called
all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell
you all something. We
have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,'
said an elderly nun
at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

********************************************
A wife was making a
breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into
the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some
more butter! Oh my
gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to
get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen
To me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are yo u
CRAZY? Have
you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to
salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The
wife stared at
him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry
a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I
just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving.'

************************************************** *************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was

drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
him
a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On
his
second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
Army
dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued
him a
jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

**************************************************

[ab8ma]

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

[ab8ma]

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

[WA5KRP]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks."

Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eaves- dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

[WA5KRP]

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. #Walking into the back room the boy said to his manager, "Some a**h*** wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No s**t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[ab8ma]

I rear ended a car this morning.I could tell it was going to be a REALLY BAD day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT HAPPY''
So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you?"
That's how the fight started.

[ab8ma]

Having Alzheimer's makes things simple at Easter. You can hide your own eggs.

[WA5KRP]

A lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. #He found that the problem was hair in its ears. #He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. #The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair hair remover. #At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." #

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." #

The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." #

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. #If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."

[W1GUH]

W.C. Fields....


I once bought a talking dog.

I bought him from a ventriloquist.

As soon as the deal was done, the dog looked at his former owner and said, "Sold me, eh? Just for that, I'll never speak another word for the rest of my life.

He meant it, too. The dog hasn't spoken another word to this day.

[WA5KRP]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad.....how's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad. #I've had some problems with my swing but I've got that straightened out now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But, you're blind. #How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. #Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that - when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night".

[WA5KRP]

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine Chesty Puller to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.
"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.

"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

Puller asked for another count and got the same answer, "Many, many Chinese!"

"Dammit!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."

In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir?"

"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"Colonel, we got a whole sh*tload of Chinese up here!"

"Thank God," exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there that can count!"

[ab8ma]

There are 24 cans of beer in a beer case, and 24 hours in a day. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

[ab8ma]

The Italian Loan, logic and reason.

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12%
interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the$5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Italian replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing -Bada Boom!

[WA5KRP]

Sorry about the caps, but that's how I got it and I'm too lazy to retype the damn thing. #

WA5KRP
Texas


IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD. #SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE. #NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.

BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"

"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED. #

SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED. #A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"

"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER." #
THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.

TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"

"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN."

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.

THE METEOROLOGIST REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."

[WA5KRP]

http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/vanessadobos.jpg

[K7FE]

The Bar Vs. the Church

In a small conservative town, a bar/tavern owner started to build a new bar to open up for business. A local church started a campaign to
block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however, right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was
ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made it's way through the legal system, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and observed, "I don't know how I'm
going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church
congregation that doesn't!"

[N2RJ]

Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ Aug. 28 2007,22:50)]Sorry about the caps, but that's how I got it and I'm too lazy to retype the damn thing.

WA5KRP
Texas
Use a word processor to change the case:

It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the national weather service and asked, "is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at national weather service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the chief called the national weather service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The meteorologist replied, "The indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[ab8ma]

Eskimo's have 49 words in their language to define snow because they have so much of it. In the english language, there are more then 50 ways to define a moron...

[WA5KRP]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?", he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?", he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

[WA5KRP]

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to
words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for
an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we
would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a
stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would
be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can
you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a
great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[WA5KRP]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[ab8ma]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. . "you know
what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell'
and you say something with 'ass'.

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The two then go down to breakfast.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him into his room and
shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

[WA5KRP]

http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/likemommy.jpg

[ab8ma]

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)












First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?


You're not very good at this, are you?






Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?














~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.














Have a nice day everyone.







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[K7KBN]

It's probably an updated sequel, possibly based upon a William Faulkner tale... I'm hearing that a movie now in production has a story-line something like this:

In the heat and soggy humidity of August, a young drifter quietly slips off a barge in the backwaters of the Mississippi gulf coast and wanders into the sleepy little bayou town nearby.

The stranger meets and is attracted to the stand-offish daughter of boorish and dictatorial "Big Daddy", who's made it known to all for decades that he's the absolute, though unofficial ruler of the region.

After some initial misgivings, the daughter eventually embraces the young stranger warmly - maybe too warmly. So for obvious reasons, her father becomes highly suspicious and therefore antagonistic towards the guy.

Complicating things are the daughter's long-time and now jealous suitor - plus his buddies, and various other gossip folks in the town who're displeased with this outsider gettin' lots of unwanted attention.

Time passes and the many sometimes uneasy interactions causes tempers to frequently flare...

As it turns out, "Big Daddy" and others were dead wrong about the drifter, as his interests were not for the daughter, but rather the young man coveted the gal's humongous SUV.

So, in order to not give away the ending, how 'bout changing the film's working title... "The Long-Sought Hummer"?

[w7lpn]

I rear ended a car this morning...

I tell you, I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif ROTFLMFAO

[WA5KRP]

My ex-husband had this annoying habit of bringing greasy old carburetors and things into the house to work on. So, last week, when my friend called to tell me this story, my first response was, "Where did this guy live"? Now, reassured that I was never related to him by marriage, this really is too hilarious not to share.

The way my friend told it, this guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to start it to make sure everything was still okay. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the noise and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911 and the paramedics transported the guy to the emergency room.

So far, the story is humorous, in a "that is what you get for being a big enough idiot to bring your motorcycle into the house," kind of way. But, here is where I really split a gut.

Later that afternoon after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette and went into the bathroom. He sat down and tossed the butt into the toilet, which promptly exploded because his wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door. (!)

The wife heard the explosion and her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found him lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher and broke the guy's collarbone.

Poor devil.....sometimes, there's no place left to hide.

[WA5KRP]

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they'd shared where Andy had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

[ab8ma]

The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.

[w7lpn]

Why do they call it Ham? Because if they called it Pig's A$$ no one would eat it. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[ab8ma]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING
FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so
are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty
and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .....
Damn, I'm good at t! telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[n2cfj]

Your teeth are like stars.

They come out at night.

[K7FE]

Ship Wrecked. . . . . . .

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.

Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. " I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . ."he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course......."

[KW4MW]

This is actually a true story. #My son attended the Citadel, a military college in South Carolina and he related this story to me about his classmate Chuck. #

As freshmen (Nobs), his class was subjected to the usual dreck handed down from the upper classmen. # Nobs were held to strict military standards. #They were normally allowed to leave the campus for only six hours on a Saturday, the exception being on what was called parents weekend when they were allowed an overnight and could stay off campus with their family.

"Chuck" was the geekiest Nob in the company. #If anyone screwed up it was usually Chuck. #So at the end of parents weekend Chuck was returning to the campus with his parents when his hat blew off into the water. #Chuck realized that he would be in deep trouble if he returned to campus with out his cover so in front of his parents and everyone else present Chuck stripped down to his skivvies and jumped into Charleston harbor to retrieve his hat. #By the time he had retrieved his hat, got dressed again and returned to campus he was 15 minutes late. #

Now the Citadel, like all military schools has an honor code - you can't lie. #

So at the Monday morning formation everyone was standing tall. #One of the seniors called out in jest "OK, how many of you Nobs were laid this weekend?"

Chuck misheard "laid" as "late"

Chuck - "I was Sir!"

Senior - "You - You - No way, you're the geekiest Nob here. # Who were you with anyway?"

Chuck #- "my Mom Sir!"

[WA5KRP]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a wobbling drunk standing behind me stared as I placed the items in front of the cashier. #While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. #I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. #But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'cause you're ugly."

[n0ov]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge’ ?

[WA5KRP]

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

[WA5KRP]

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

"Moshe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?" He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?'

The old man answered, "Ah...evleebody ask me that. #It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"

"It me," replies the old man.

"Really? #You're Chinese. #How did you ever get a name like Moshe Plotnik?"

"Is simple", said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me Jewish from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?"

He say, "Moshe Plotnik."

Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"

I say, "Sam Ting."

[WA5KRP]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... Don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck. Along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then, one day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... tall, muscular and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

[K7FE]

Subject: "For the Love of God"--Driving with Grandma

GRANDMA:

"The other day I went up to a local Christian Bookstore and saw a, 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.


I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.


It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.


I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!"

[WA5KRP]

"When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it."

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #- anonymous QRZ.com Moderator

[W2LYS]

A friend of mine who works for a coal company in Kentucky turned 21 this past weekend, so we took him to a bar and bought him a few beers, after which we were promptly arrested.

The charge? Contributing to the delinquency of a miner.

[WA5KRP]

The other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in
there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing
out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how
about giving a retired person a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for
about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus.

The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

[W2LYS]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and Made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of Gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an Obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the Paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.)

Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.

[KE5FIX]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is suddenly struck by lightening. One woman in particular loses it; screaming and carry on, she stands up in the front of the plane and screams: "I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" She wails, " I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" Then she yells, "Well, , if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel Like a WOMAN?"


For a moment there is complete silence....everyone forgetting their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.


Then a good ol' boy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle....unbuttoning his shirt......one button at a time.....no one moves.......he removes his shirt slowly....muscles ripple across his tanned torso........She gasps.........he whispers..........




"Iron this .....and then get me a beer"

[W2LYS]

Shouldn't the beer have come first?

Lunch at the O' club One day, a Chief Master Sergeant went to the Officer's Club with his Colonel to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found the place was quite crowded.

They did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Colonel asked them if they could join them. They promptly invited them to join them. They ordered lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate. At one point, the Chief mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how he had noted this. The Chief replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Chief then told the Lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OTS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also asked how he had determined this. The Chief said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.

The Lieutenant across the table from the Chief asked if he had determined his source of commission. The Chief replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Air Force Academy.

The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if he had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at th