JOKE THREAD REDUX

[W2LYS]

To celebrate Canada's Centennial year of 1967, Vancouver, British Columbia, built a magnificent planetarium that has played to standing room audiences since it opened. Many of its visitors are students of secondary schools, and one school decided to produce a play wherein the student players would enact the roles of heavenly bodies. The teacher who had written the play, chose her cast and awarded the roles to those who would play the Sun and the planets in the galaxies. Shirley, devoted to astronomy, was given the part of a minor planet, but she wanted only the key part of the Dog Star, one of the sky's brightest stars. Shirley tried everything. She importuned. She was tearful. She ranted. But when she finally began a campaign of remarks disparaging to the girl who did get the part, the exasperated teacher finally stopped all her arguments, shouting, "Shirley, you can't be Sirius!"

[ab8ma]

A man and woman had been married for many years. They had shared
everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets
from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the
top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or
ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $295,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said,
"my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never
argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep
quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[w8idb]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey
Grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced
Limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball,
Sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
Did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool
Table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"
Replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little dummy.

I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his
Bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
Cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he
Asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry
Up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah,
That doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue
Ball he measures everything first!"

[KC9ECI]

A marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came
upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby,
on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a
similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and
alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked
what had happened.

The Marine reported:
"I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and
coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier." Seeing each
other we both took cover. "What happened then?" the corpsman
asked. The Marine continued, "I yelled to him that Saddam
Hussein was a miserable low life slug and he yelled back:
'John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Bill and Hillary Clinton are immoral
slime balls'. "
"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

[W2LYS]

Once upon a time there was a Chinese ribbon factory located on the banks of a famous river, and the factory's products were named after the river. The town in which this factory was located was famous for something else,
though, that was also located there: The town was the home of a one-of-a-kind tree, called an auldoc, that grew nowhere else. The town's citizens prized their unique specimen of nature and took great care of it.
Once a year, they celebrated it with a festival, during which all the residents were urged to tie a Yalu ribbon 'round the auldoc tree.

[n0ov]

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
#
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

#An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, " Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[WF7A]

A Frenchman was courting a very prim and proper Englishwoman when he asked her, in French, to marry him. She said, "I will not marry you until you learn proper English. Go out and learn some!"

So, the Frenchman started walking around the city and happened up its airport, so he learned the word, airport; he traveled a bit more and found himself inside a zoo where he learned the word, zebra. Finally, he walked into a hospital and learned the word, baby.

Happy that he learned so English, he returned to Englishwoman, beaming.

"Well, Pierre, did you learn any English today?"

"Oui!" he answered. "Take off ze- bra, baby!"

[W2LYS]

Happiness is Trojans smelling like roses. The Trojans will now have a chance to become Rose Bowl champions on January 1st, a chance they deserve after their defenses leaked against Longhorns and Bruins in
the Rose Bowl this year.

[W2LYS]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died
peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.

[KF0RT]

This guy will go far in life...


At a fancy reception a young man was asked by a widow to
guess her age.

"You must have some idea," she urged when he hesitated.

"I have a couple ideas," he admitted with a smile. "The
trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years
younger, because of your looks, or ten years older, because
of your intelligence."

[kc7jty]

What's better than roses on the piano?

Tulips around the organ.

[kc7jty]

These office workers are discussing Jehovah's witnesses on a break when one guy says he once drove past an Assembly Hall of Jehovah's witnesses when he was visiting near Tampa, FL.

Someone says, so what..?

The guy replies: At least we know where they come from now.

[KF0RT]

Some time ago, there was this artist who worked from a
studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been
working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for
several months now.

As usual, his model reported and after exchanging the
usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress
for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a
cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her
for the day but that she could just go home; he just
wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the
least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were
sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and
enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and
close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he
whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your
clothes off!"

[W2LYS]

Saint Nicholas was one fellow who recognized the true talents of the raries and thus one year undertook the task of training a number of them as seasonal workers at his North Pole workshop. Probably few folks realize that the elves are specialists at making toys but many
extra hands are still needed to wrap and load the millions of packages into the sleigh on Christmas eve. The raries were cute, worked cheap and if they became a nuisance, well, they could easily be pushed off a cliff. (See original story) Being somewhat diminutive
like an elf, the raries were also able to negotiate the small working quarters and handle the same small tools, so raries and elves seemed a good fit. To more quickly distinguish these raries from the actual elves, St. Nick decided to outfit each of the creatures with a lightweight pull-over cotton undershirt that featured a colorful
image of his own jolly old face.

The raries and the elves seemed to work well together and all was fairly harmonious until the big Christmas eve rush. Things were getting quite hectic and some of the elves grew impatient with the clumsy raries who, unfamiliar with the procedures were botching many
things up and slowing down the process in the way that only a seasonal worker can do. You know the type! One particular rarie was especially inept in his tasks and was constantly being corrected and berated by the head elf. It almost seemed as if the elf was deliberately trying to tick a rarie off. As the final frantic hour arrived and the frenzy of activities rapidly built to a crescendo, this one beleaguered little rarie could take the elf's harassment and criticism no more.

Nobody actually saw the moment when it happened but the sullen little rarie must have just suddenly snapped. In a fit of rage and fury he pounced on the belligerent little elf and savagely beat him to a pulp. By the time the other elves managed to pull the creature off
the top of his tormentor and subdue him, his cute little Kris Kringle shirt had become splattered with the green blood of the battered elf who had provoked him so. Naturally the entire North Pole was abuzz with the news of this outrageous event and it really did put quite a
damper on the remainder of the season's celebrations. In an atmosphere of shame and distrust, the rest of the raries were relocated to California to work as fruit and vegetable pickers. Of course they were forced to leave behind the single offending rarie who had gone berserk. He was jailed, accused of aggravated assault and was held for trial. Lucky for him he was able to retain a very
good lawyer who discovered a seldom used loophole in the law that seemed to address just such a situation. What was his defense? "Temp, a rarie in Santa tee."

[ab8ma]

GOOD WIFE'S GUIDE (1953)

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.

[ab8ma]

The Good Wife's Guide 2005

Have dinner ready. Be sure he has good, easy to follow directions to the quality restaurants that deliver curbside. This way when he arrives home he'll have exactly what he wants for dinner and it will be ready when he arrives and you get fed too. You can be a dear and call in the order. We know how he doesn't like to do that.


· Prepare yourself…a good cocktail will work.


· Be a little gay (we now know this means happy) The cocktail will relax you and you'll appear to be happy when he arrives


· Clear away clutter today this means turn the computer off and the tv on and kick stuff out of the way to make a straight path to the tv. That's all he'll notice.


· Gather up schoolbooks…dust over the tables. Clearing the table off is a nice touch for that special meal he's bringing home. Put everything on the chair you don't use or in the clothes dryer (be sure to empty onto the top of the dryer when you decide to use it).


· Over the cooler months…. turn the heat up a little and give him brandy in his coffee…after you've made yours. It's nice to share.


· Prepare the children. At least try to know where they are. Someone has to take out tonight's dinner containers. Minimise all noise…let them eat in their rooms.


· Be happy to see him.. This may take several cocktails.


· Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him….more cocktails.


· Listen to him. This should be getting easy now after several cocktails.


· Make the evening his. …never complain if he comes home late…try to understand his world of strain..blah blah blah It's already his; he's coming home with a great dinner and if he's late make sure he knows how to use the microwave to reheat; if he really comes home late and without dinner have your dinner delivered and eat without him (just be sure he pays for your dinner when he does get home). No need to try to understand his world of strain, you were out there all day too.


· Your goal: peace, order and tranquility…. Wouldn't we all like that? Keep the kids in their rooms, hire a cleaning service and those cocktails are making everything tranquil. If you meet these for yourself then he will be able to renew himself in body and soul too. If it works for you, it'll work for him.


· Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Now that you have eliminated your need to talk to him then peace and tranquility are still working. Just email him your complaints and problems and he can deal with them at work tomorrow.


· Don't complain if he's late for dinner (we've already gone over this) or even stays out all night. Hell, no, this is not "minor". If you come home then he'd better come home. If you have to deal with the kids and everything at home then he does too. If he continues staying out all night then just smile (keep him off guard) and let your lawyer take care of him! (This is 2005 ladies)


· Make him comfortable. Be sure to let him know where the remotes are. It may not work but you can tell the kids, dogs and cats that they are in his favorite chair (you tried) as you settle into your chair.


· Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. As the cocktails really kick in; toss his pillow to him, tell him to be sure he takes his shoes off at the door and your voice is already low, soothing and pleasant (alcohol can do that).


· Don't ask him questions about his actions…blah, blah, blah. Remember he is the master of the house ….You have no right to question him..more blah, blah. Welcome to the Millennium. You do not need to ask anything; that's what GPS, micro transmitters and hidden cams are for away from home. As for master of the house; how can you forget as he reminds you constantly. Smile sweetly and say "Yes dear" then go about your business.


· A good wife always knows her place. And, she will be the one to decide where that is. This is no missionary position society we are in anymore.

[WF7A]

I like the "prepare the children" part: use a meat tenderizer to soften them up, then put them in a large roasting pan in the oven (set at 350°F). Four minutes per pound ought to do it.

You know what they say: "Spare the rod, broil the child."

[KF0RT]

Dave is gonna hate me for this...

Attached below is problem #3 on a high school geometry examination. The solution was submitted by a beautiful blonde student. It is my understanding that after careful scrutiny, the student was given credit for a correct answer by the teacher. When hearing of this, the Board of Education warned all math teachers in the system to be more explicit from now on in their future wording of examination problems (but the Board was hesitant to suggest just how).

Personally, I think she did pretty darn good!!

http://static.flickr.com/144/323035912_f8f9b3dc2b.jpg

[kc7jty]

MERCY!!

[flyslow]

Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ Dec. 12 2006,23:15)]Saint Nicholas was one fellow who recognized the true talents of the raries and thus one year undertook the task of training a number of them as seasonal workers at his North Pole workshop. Probably few folks realize that the elves are specialists at making toys but many
extra hands are still needed to wrap and load the millions of packages into the sleigh on Christmas eve. The raries were cute, worked cheap and if they became a nuisance, well, they could easily be pushed off a cliff. (See original story) Being somewhat diminutive
like an elf, the raries were also able to negotiate the small working quarters and handle the same small tools, so raries and elves seemed a good fit. To more quickly distinguish these raries from the actual elves, St. Nick decided to outfit each of the creatures with a lightweight pull-over cotton undershirt that featured a colorful
image of his own jolly old face.

The raries and the elves seemed to work well together and all was fairly harmonious until the big Christmas eve rush. Things were getting quite hectic and some of the elves grew impatient with the clumsy raries who, unfamiliar with the procedures were botching many
things up and slowing down the process in the way that only a seasonal worker can do. You know the type! One particular rarie was especially inept in his tasks and was constantly being corrected and berated by the head elf. It almost seemed as if the elf was deliberately trying to tick a rarie off. As the final frantic hour arrived and the frenzy of activities rapidly built to a crescendo, this one beleaguered little rarie could take the elf's harassment and criticism no more.

Nobody actually saw the moment when it happened but the sullen little rarie must have just suddenly snapped. In a fit of rage and fury he pounced on the belligerent little elf and savagely beat him to a pulp. By the time the other elves managed to pull the creature off
the top of his tormentor and subdue him, his cute little Kris Kringle shirt had become splattered with the green blood of the battered elf who had provoked him so. Naturally the entire North Pole was abuzz with the news of this outrageous event and it really did put quite a
damper on the remainder of the season's celebrations. In an atmosphere of shame and distrust, the rest of the raries were relocated to California to work as fruit and vegetable pickers. Of course they were forced to leave behind the single offending rarie who had gone berserk. He was jailed, accused of aggravated assault and was held for trial. Lucky for him he was able to retain a very
good lawyer who discovered a seldom used loophole in the law that seemed to address just such a situation. What was his defense? "Temp, a rarie in Santa tee."


That was a long long way to tip a rarie!

[KF0RT]

SUMMARY OF THE LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing..

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258 th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!



If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

[KF0RT]

Now, this is "Binford."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5LrarVz94g

[KF0RT]

"Binford" part duex:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOVDyV4ySI

[KG6YTZ]

Quote[/b] (KF0RT @ Dec. 21 2006,09:13)]people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
but... but... but... How else am I gonna use the scroll wheel? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[ab8ma]

just felt that it was important that we all take a
moment during the hustle and bustle of the holidays to
reflect upon the following holiday eating advice...

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas
spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like
fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even
rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any
other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as
if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or
something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the
whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour
it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why
bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots
of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now
and New Year's. You can do that in January when you
have nothing else to do. This is the time for long
naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that
vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size
of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If
you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a
slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have
two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When
else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded
with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at
all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you
leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't
been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but
hurry, January is just around the corner.


Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, totally
worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"

[w8idb]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[wa4brl]

Best as I can remember it:

Christmas in the Workhouse
variously attributed to Kipling, Simms, and others

Twas Christmas in the workhouse
The most wonderful time of year
And the workers all was 'appy
For their guts were full of beer

Well the master of the workhouse
He strolled those miserable halls
And he wished them "Happy Christmas"
And the workers answered "Balls!"

Now the master he were angry
And he cursed with all the gods
You'll have no Christmas pudding
you miserable bunch of sods

Up stood a war-scarred veteran
Who'd stormed the Khyber Pass
We don't want your Christmas pudding
So you can stick it up your &%#!!!

[VK2TIL]

'twas Christmas Day in the workhouse, the old man sat in his cell.
Put out yer puddins for treacle", he heard the warder yell.
"Put out yer puddins for treacle" he heard the warder say.
So he put out his puddin for treacle and the b*stard took it away.

Bob Dylan? Not sure.

[w2amr]

A guy walks up to a woman sitting on a park bench with her pet pig. The guy says, that's the ugliest dog I have ever seen. The indignant woman replies, I'll have you know he is a pig. The guy says, I was talking to the pig.
Ba dum bump

[KI4PEQ]

Quote[/b] (w2amr @ Dec. 24 2006,05:16)]A guy walks up to a woman sitting on a park bench with her pet pig. The guy says, that's the ugliest dog I have ever seen. The indignant woman replies, I'll have you know he is a pig. #The guy says, I was talking to the pig.
Ba dum bump
Will you be here all week?

[W2LYS]

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never
been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

[w2amr]

A pregnant woman is walking home from shopping when she drops one of her bags on the ground. A bottle of catsup and several eggs break on the sidewalk. The frustrated woman begins crying as she bends over to pick up the bag. Just then the neighborhood drunk staggers up to her and says, Don't cry lady, It wouldn't have lived anyway It's eyes were too close together.

[w0aew]

Bumper Sticker slogans:


That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

Which God Do You Kill For?

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

1/20/09: End of an Error

1/20/09: Hang In There, America!

I Hated Bush Before it was Cool

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

Cheney/Satan '08

Jail to the Chief

George W. Bush Deserves a Fair Trial

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

When Fascism Comes to America, It Will Be Wrapped in a Flag Carrying a
Cross (Sinclair Lewis)

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language (Buck Henry)

We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand basket?

You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

Impeach Cheney First

Pray For Impeachment

I Went To Vote, and All I Got Was This Stupid President

One Nation Under Clod

2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified

Bush Never Exhaled

[W2LYS]

Beach erosion and drift is a common occurrence in
various locales, and as Nature battles to resculpt
the contours of this world, man fights back to
maintain his developed property.

One of the beach communities on Long Island, notable
for its "alternative" lifestyles, had been hit in
recent years by a series of storms that threatened the
expensive oceanfront properties by washing away much
of the expanse of protective beach.

Paul de Vries, a wealthy resident of the community,
undertook to address the situation on his own. He
ordered a bargeful of boulders and built a rock spit
out into the ocean against which the currents would
rebuild his beach. Discovering then that the curious
came by in great numbers, he built a small "visitors'
center" discussing the historical, political,
engineering, and ecological aspects of the project.

Word spread, and soon everyone in the field knew of
the Gay Paul Jetty Museum.

[k4kyv]

“A man was obsessed with women’s breasts, so he went to a psychologist and told him his problem.

“Let’s play a little word association game,” the doctor said. “I’ll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.”

“Plums,” said the doctor.
“Breasts,” the patient said.
“Oranges.”
“Breasts,” the patient replied.
“Watermelons.”
“Breasts,” said the patient.
“Wipers.”
“Breasts,” the patient said.

“Wait a minute!” the doctor said. “I can understand the connection between plums, oranges, watermelons and breasts. But, automobile wipers? Where’s the connection?”

“Easy, doc,” the patient said. “One on the left and one on the right!”

[ab8ma]

Six engineers and six mathematicians are attending a conference and are traveling by train.
One by one, each of the engineers goes up to the ticket counter and buys a ticket to the conference. But only one of the mathematicians does. The engineers look puzzled and one of the mathematicians says, "Optimization."

The twelve get on the same car and one mathematician stands at each end of the car. Now the engineers are really puzzled. After a while, the mathematician at one end, yells, "Conductor!" On that cue, all the mathematicians pile into the rest room and lock the door.

The conductor enters the car and announces, "Tickets, please. Tickets!" He passes the engineers and punches each of their tickets. At the end of the car, he notices the restroom is occupied and knocks on the door, "Ticket, please."

The ticket slides out from under the door, he punches it and slides it back, then leaves the car and continues to the next car.

The engineers look at each other and decide how clever the mathematicians have been, and then wink at each other.

They all attend the conference and have a good time. Upon arriving at the train station, one engineer buys a ticket and they giggle at each other. The mathematicians do not buy any. This time again, the engineers look puzzled, and the same mathematician says, "Optimization."

This time all the mathematicians sit down and the engineers have the lookouts. One engineer, peers down a couple of cars and shouts, "Conductor!" Immediately all the engineers pile into the rest room, while the mathematicians just sit there. Once the engineers are in the rest room, one of the mathematicians knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." The ticket slides out under the door, the mathematician grabs it and along with the other mathematicians, runs to the other rest room and they lock themselves in.

[ab8ma]

How Cold Is It? - An Annotated Thermometer
Degrees Cel ('C),
25
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
20
Miami residents turn on the heat
10
You can see your breath, Vancouverites shiver uncontrollably
5
Italian cars don't start
0
Water freezes
-5
Saskatchewanians put on T-shirts, Politicians begin to worry about the homeless, British cars don't start
-10
Toronto water freezes, Vancouverites weep pitiably, Manitobans eat ice cream, Quebecers go swimming
-15
You can hear your breath, Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, Montreal water freezes
-20
French cars don't start, You plan a vacation in Mexico, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
-25
Too cold to ski, You need jumper cables to get the car going
-30
American cars don't start, Yukoners put on T-shirts, Too cold to skate
-35
German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink, You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Newfoundlanders stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-40
Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Ottawans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
-45
Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-50
You plan a two week hot bath, The St Lawrence freezes, Swedish cars don't start
-55
Vancouverites disappear, Winnipeggers button top button, Other Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
-60
Parliamentary hot air freezes, Yukoners close the bathroom window
-70
Hell freezes over, Polar bears move south

[wv6z]

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d148/ku4my/Piggies.jpg

[WA5KRP]

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man afixin' (ready) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee."

[ab8ma]

Danny's back. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

[ab8ma]

--Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. [For those of you who don't work in a office environment, here is a taste of our vocabulary. "Prairie Dogging is fairly popular here on this Cube Farm."]

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

BLAME STORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OH-NO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

[W2LYS]

You Might Be a Bad Driver If...

1. Your friends would rather walk five miles barefoot on
asphalt in 110 degree heat than accept a ride from you.

2. People ask you about "the accident", and you say, which one?

3. You've ever changed a full set of clothes and/or re-done your makeup while on the freeway.

4. You slow down when coming to green lights... and speed up on yellow.

5. You take your eyes off the road and both hands off the steering wheel to help your passenger put on their seat belt while driving 65 MPH down the freeway.

6. You use your knees for steering more than your hands.

7. You think red lights & stop signs are a suggestion.

8. The police carry separate tickets with your information
filled out already.

9. You get pulled over for drunk driving and you are stone sober.

10. You think you have a flat when you hear thump, thump. It's actually just you clipping the orange and white barrels.

11. Curb? What curb?

12. You are the only car in the parking lot and you STILL hit a light pole.

13. You swerve to miss a tree... and it's your air freshener.

[WA5KRP]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. #He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. #He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. #As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. #When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. #The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got real quiet. #The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule right square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed real hard and said, "No, but I've always wanted to."




Moral: #You're probably no match for an old fart.

[wv6z]

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

[n2cfj]

An oldie but a goodie:
Two good ol boys were sitting on the front porch one evening. Zeke was telling Billy how great his dog was. He bragged that if there was only one quail in an entire field, old Blue would find him and go to a perfect point.
As they were talking, a young boy came walking down the road. Blue jumped up, ran to the fence and went into a perfect point at the boy.
Now as Billy is laughing his head off, Zeke goes up to the boy to find out what caused this behavior.

Zeke: Son, are you carrying a quail in your pocket?
Boy: Nope
Zeke: Did you have quail for dinner?
Boy: Nope
Zeke: Have you handled any quail recently?
Boy: Nope
Zeke: Son, what's your name?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Boy: Bob White

[KF0RT]

This illustrates how much we've become dependent on our computers..

Are you male or female?

To know the answer, look down!!!
























































Not here, Stupid.

[W2LYS]

Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die, so he called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two bravest warriors in his tribe.

The chief instructed each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever returned with the most skins would be chief.

About a month later Geronimo came back with 100
pelts, but, sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.

Today as you drive through the West you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs saying:

WATCH OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS.

[W2LYS]

The phone on Charlie's desk rang. "Lansdale," he said as
he picked up the handset.

"Sorry, boss. I've got a Mike McMahon on the phone who says he's calling you from your Legion chapter and that it's important."

A few clicks later, Mike was chattering in Charlie's ear.
"Sorry to bother you, Charlie. I don't know if you heard.
Vic passed on last night. Heart problems. I know a lot of
us, including you, probably can't make it to the funeral
on Friday morning, but I was hoping to get as much of the membership together as possible at the wake tomorrow evening. Our last chance to spend a few moments with him."

Charlie thought about Friday's presentation and his expectation of a late night at the office Thursday. But still...

"C'mon, Charlie. You know and I know we'll never see him again."

Charlie hesitated. Mike was right. But could he spare two
hours? "Ummm. I don't know, Mike. Remains to be seen..."

[WA5KRP]

AIRLINE PILOT (http://youtube.com/p.swf?video_id=J3UDCoQnXjA&eurl=&iurl=http%3A//sjl-static5.sjl.youtube.com/vi/J3UDCoQnXjA/2.jpg&t=OEgsToPDskJAmqzromEaAQgMy9EoOmA7)



WA5KRP
Texas

[wz9o]

Democrats.


Now that's funny right there!!

[W2LYS]

A roosters' job (for you city folks) is to fertilize eggs.

A farmer with 10, kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[WA5KRP]

A man sped down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, when he passed a patrol car, it pulled out behind him, lights flashing. #The police officer handed him a citation, took the driver's signature and was starting to walk away when the man said, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. Plenty of other drivers around me were going just as fast. Why did I get a ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked.

"Um, yeah ..." the startled man replied.

"Ever catch all the fish?"

[wz9o]

Rod and reel

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel for
her grandson's Christmas gift.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs
one and goes over to the counter.

A Walmart "associate" is standing there with dark
shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir.
can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm completely blind, but if you'll
drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter
anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod
with Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line...
It's a good all around combination and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter;

I'll take it." The woman opens her purse and sees
her credit card holder drop on the floor.
As she bends down to pick it up she accidentally
passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed,

but then concludes there is no way he could tell it
was she that passed gas. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be
$34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and says,
"Didn't you tell me it was on special for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes Ma'am, the ! rod and reel is $20.00;
but the duck call is $11.00
and the catfish bait is $3.50."

[WA5KRP]

THE GOLDEN SCREW

#Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a
#belly button. In its
#place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his
#mother that there was
#nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck
#with it. All the
#years of growing up was real tough on him, as all
#who saw the screw made
#fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and
#thus, never made any
#friends.

# One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and
#told him of a swami in
#Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He
#was thrilled. The next
#day he took all of his life's savings and bought a
#ticket to Nepal.
#After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he
#came upon a giant
#monastery.
#The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told
#to sleep in the
#highest tower of the monastery and the following day
#when he awoke, the
#screw would have been removed.

# The man immediately went to the room and fell
#asleep. During the night
#while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open
#window, bearing in its
#mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the
#screwdriver removed the
#screw and disappeared out the window.

# The next morning when the man woke, he saw the
#golden screw lying on
#the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his
#navel, and there was
#no screw there!

# Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell
#off.

# The moral to this is "don't screw around with
#things you don't
#understand -- you could lose your ass."

[wz9o]

Bar... Alabama
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"

[K7KBN]

Two birds were sitting on a perch. One of them said, "Sure smells fishy around here."

[K7KBN]

Two goldfish were swimming in a tank. One of them said, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[wz9o]

REDNECK FAMILY TREE

Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

[W2LYS]

There was a tradesman, a painter named Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.


As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!

[wz9o]

NOAH AND THE ARK



# #The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole World is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark."
# #And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the Ark. "Ok," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man." "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!" Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no Ark.
# #"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed to the ground right beside Noah. " "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.
# # "My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees, to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.
# # "Next, I started gathering up animals, but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filling an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
# # "Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a Globe! Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire.
# # "The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the Ark in less than five years." With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
# #"You mean you are not going to destroy the World?" he asked hopefully.
# #"No," said the Lord. "I'm too late - the government already has."

[N1MLF]

Spiders on alcohol & drugs

http://www.glumbert.com/media/spiders

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif JW http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[ka3trx]

"Minasootaaaa Joks"



Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it
take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"

"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.

"Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da
bus."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.

He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for
support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a vhile I'll try to
chip in a few bucks, myself."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the restaurant the waiter, Lars, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference
between a Norvegian and a canoe?"

"No, I don't," said Ole.

"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are
working."

Ole: "Yah, No, Yah, No, Yah, No, Yah, No...."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the
obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences,
asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?'
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's
money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say
something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You yust put
'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along
bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a
long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?," Ole asked excitedly.

"No," replied Lars.

"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent
blind!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired
how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a
clarinet."

"How come," asked Lars?

"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned
to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving a
lake well known for its Walleye. He had two buckets of fish. As it was
during the spawning season, the game warden asked, " Do you have a license
to catch those fish?"

Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the warden replied.

Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here
down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey
yump back into deir buckets and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." Said the game warden.

Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then
said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does
vork, don'tcha know?"

"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now.

So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, "Well?"
"Vell what?" responded Ole.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?" asked Ole.

"The fish!"

"What fish?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

To those in North Dakota, Minnesota, and for that matter the rest of the
country, including Canada, I must report the sad news that Ole was shot.

He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when
some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news
reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and
what are you doing?"

Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"

Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend Lars.

[W2LYS]

Old McDonald had a farm.

Yes, he was getting old.

But he was never too old to learn, he figured. He still tried to have the best farm in the country.

Even though he was getting up in years, he did try new things. He wasn't set in his ways at all.

One day, after finishing all of his early morning chores, he went to the coffee shop and there were several men there that he hadn't met before.

After discussing much trivia, the subject came up about raising cows.

This immediately pricked Old McDonald's interest.

He felt he had the best cows around but he was always open for improvement.

He was an innovative farmer.

Well, one of the new gentlemen told him that contented cows produced more milk.

Old McDonald thought about that.

And throughout the day he continued to think about that.

He thought that maybe his cows weren't as contented as they ought to be.

He thought they were contented, but maybe they could be more contented.

So he devised a plan deep within his heart.

And the next day he began implementing it.

He began going out every morning, first thing, and telling jokes to his cows so that they would truly be happy and contented.

The cows laughed and laughed!

Every day they laughed!

He did this day after day after day. He knew that a merry heart did good like a medicine.

Lo and behold, his cows actually began producing more milk!

A lot more milk!

It was truly amazing!

Pretty soon, news got around about his cows. And they became known as the laughing stock of the community.

[ab8ma]

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

[KG6YTZ]

Quote[/b] (ka3trx @ Jan. 21 2007,09:56)]"Minasootaaaa Joks"
Ole comes home early from fishin' one day, and dere's Lena sittin' on the bed, naked.

"Lena, what'cha doin' just sittin' dere naked?" he asks.

"Oh, I got nuttin' to wear," says Lena.

"Nuttin' to wear!" exclaims Ole, and he starts to goin' through the closet. "Why, here's a red dress, here's a blue dress, here's a green dress, here's Sven, here's anudder blue dress..."

[ab8ma]

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend

the rest of your day......



There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.



By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he

successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is

done.



Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of

sunglasses, how should he express himself?



Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...








































He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of

sunglasses"



If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it

a day.



I've got mine shutting down right now.



(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer)

[KF0RT]

Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're
demanding beer."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of
whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the
happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone
underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

[wz9o]

"LITTLE JOHNNY"

Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of
liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing? Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."
The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this
on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"

[KG6YTZ]

Quote[/b] (KF0RT @ Jan. 23 2007,11:36)]Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":
Ahhhyes. One of the greatest sitcom characters ever, from one of the greatest sitcoms ever. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

You've GOT to have some good Carla quotes too, I'm assuming...?

[W2LYS]

"Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special."

"To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird."

"You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!"

"Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot-fish." "I hate to tell you this, but while you might be able to teach a parrot-bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot-fish."

"That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?"

[KE5FIX]

A farmer in Pa. got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he
was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there,
are ya ?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if
that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a
horse's a** ?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for
law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you
a horse's a**."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies
though".

[KB9YFI]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc,
it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[ab8ma]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out
with his hunting knife, after whic h the elephant gingerly put down its
foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look
on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood
frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the
elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty
years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As
they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off
the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed
over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right
up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant
trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and
swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[K7FE]

Subject: Installing Husband 1.0





Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0, and noticed a distinct slow-down in
overall system performance - particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL ! 5.0, MLB 3.0, NBA 4.0, NASCAR 4.2 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to, not available.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http//www.I-Thought-You-Loved-Me.com" and try to download Tears 6.2,
and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad! Programming that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually
seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory, and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

[ab8ma]

oldie:


NAME: John Kerry

RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including one in Washington DC, worth multi-millions. I served in Vietnam (four months).

EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. In my career as a U.S. Senator, I've voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and Defense bill. I ordered the city of Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. #I served in Vietnam (four months).

MILITARY:
I served in Vietnam (four months). I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four months). I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months). I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book "Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier", shows how I truly feel about the military (by the way this book can't be found anywhere because it's been pulled from print and the shelves). I served in Vietnam (four months).

COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A. I am articulate. I served in Vietnam (four months).

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
After College and Vietnam, I ran for the U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying very rich women and running their companies vicariously through them. I served in Vietnam (four months).

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a U.S. Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months).

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make little or no charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million. I served in Vietnam (four months).

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the other jobs out of Country. I served in Vietnam (four months).

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. I served in Vietnam (four months).

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).

PERSONAL: I practice my Catholic faith whenever cameras are present. I ride a Serotta Bike. I love to ski/snowboard. I call my Gulfstream V Jet the "Flying Squirrel". I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche".





I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.

I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for our energy problems. I served in Vietnam (four months).

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.






#

[KB9YFI]

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup. And I asked, how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't? She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was the BEER was for.

I don't think she is coming back...

[ab8ma]

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

[ab8ma]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[WF7A]

While on the topic of applications, this one was submitted by a high school senior applying for college admission:

An Exemplary College Application Essay
3a. Essay:
In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.

(p.s. He was accepted.)

[wz9o]

"HEADACHE"

A guy is out with his buddies. He has few drinks, gets horny but true to his wife he goes home. When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??" He says, "Two aspirin." She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!!!" He says, "that's what I wanted to hear."

[ab8ma]

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

[ab8ma]

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"?

[ab8ma]

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

[WA5KRP]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for sometime, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who have died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Was it the 10:30 service that got them?"

[WA5KRP]

Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."

The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

The Catholic girl replies, "That's what amazes me about Jews, you're so good to your help."

[KI4PEQ]

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on the plane to find
himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt,
faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy,
the young man decides to make sport of him.

"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all
right. What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know, "says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How
about global warming?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle
him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question
first -- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet, a deer
passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes
muffins of dried poop Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you
feel qualified to discuss global warming when you don't know
sh*t?

[W2LYS]

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Max invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.

The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs name on 2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".

[ab8ma]

A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother.
One morning she was over at the docs house when her daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic. It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny. The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmy replied, "I don't think it's necessary, just watch him closely for any change."


--

[WA5KRP]

http://img3.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/427b495306.jpg

Wife: "Why are you coming home at this time of the night?"

Norm: "I've been golfing with friends, dear."

Wife: "What? At 2 a.m?!"

Norm: "Yes. We used night clubs."

[WA5KRP]

One day, on 9/9/99, a man woke up at 9:09 a.m. in the morning, jumped on Bus #99 and went to his favorite restaurant on 9th Street. When the cashier rang up his order, it totaled $9.99.m
"Oh, wow, this is an omen!" the man said, so he bought a pair of cheap binoculars at the 99¢ store, pulled out 99 cents in fares and took Bus #99 to the Race Track. As he approached Gate No. 9, he said to the ticket agent: "I would like to bet $999.99 on Horse No. 9 in the 9th race."

"Why those particular numbers?" the ticket agent asked.

"Nine seems to be my lucky number today," the man said excitedly. "I'm really on a roll!" Feeling confident, he sat through the first eight races until Race No. 9 came up.

Sure enough, he was on a roll. The horse came in ninth.

[ab8ma]

I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid

[KB9YFI]

Mechanic jokes?

Here is one!

After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up
his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice,
enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John worried if he
would be able to complete the test with the same
proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the
students completed their exam in two hours. John, on
the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the
next morning when the exam scores would be returned.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to
see a score of 150% for his exam.

John spoke to his professor after class. "I never
dreamed I could do this well on the exam. But tell me,
how did I earn a score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly
disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for
perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an
additional 50% for having done all of it through the
muffler."

[ab8ma]

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
"The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together! So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled fo