JOKE THREAD REDUX

[kf4vgx]

True Story !

While doing construction and remodeling on a Funeral home,one of the guys working slipped
" from a step ladder" and fell in a bush.

The guy gets up and brushes himself off.

The Funeral director came running out of the building .

SON ! SON ! Are you all right http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/rock.gif.

The young man explained ,well yea I'm OK.
Funeral Director , are you sure ?.
The young man ,yea , yea , I'm sure .

Funeral Director sadly says " with a stern face ".

" Damn! I needed the business "

I wish you could have seen the guys face.

Its a look I'll never forget http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[wv6z]

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make DAMN sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed!

[WA5KRP]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR
OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. #I NOTICED HIS DDS
DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED
BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL
CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE
SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY
SUCH THOUGHT THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN
WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE
BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM,...OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH
PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. #THEN THAT UGLY OLD WRINKLED
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

(Sorry about all caps - I was too lazy to retype)

[N1MLF]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her
nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."
http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wow.gif

[KF0RT]

Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to
your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and
mounting the curb.

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and
remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a
contrasting polish should be selected).

* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

[WA5KRP]

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. #
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned


Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. #
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled
it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from
across the street. #One of the them turned to the other and said,
"If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

[ab8ma]

New element discovered


A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "zzzentium ". # #zzzentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since zzzentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of #zzzentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

#zzzentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, #zzzentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that zzzentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". You will know it when you see it .

[W2LYS]

We all know that many people died when the Titanic went down, but are you aware of how the survivors escaped with their lives? At the point when it became obvious that the ship was in trouble, these wise folks
carted all of their luggage and possessions into the the ship's galleys. Leaving nothing behind in such a panicky situation might not make sense to most people, but these folks instinctively knew that by moving all their belongings to a certain part of the ship, they would
survive. What old maritime secret did they know that saved their lives?
Everything but the kitchens sink!

[W2LYS]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!"

[W2LYS]

A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. "My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman. "Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

[W2LYS]

Abner and Rachel were raised in a small community in Pennsylvania. Their family belonged to the only local church which had never affiliated with any to the national churches. As might be expected, they fell in love and over the years began some sexual experimentation. No birth control measures were available in their town, and even if they were, they would have avoided obtaining any because of the stigma in the community. Well, Rachel found herself pregnant and the two did not know what to do. They couldn't even think about telling their parents or they would be immediately disowned and have to leave the community. With apprehension, they went to see the preacher. They were told that as they were both adults and in love, he would be happy to marry them immediately. In unison they immediately said that they could not do so. The preacher
asked why and they explained, "Our country is at war," they said,
"and we feel that it is important to support our president in this
time of crisis. The president has told us repeatedly that he is
opposed to same sects marriage."

[WA5KRP]

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position;
1. a Japanese Samurai
2. a Chinese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!)

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

[KF0RT]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left
side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size
as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a
helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and
the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

[WA5KRP]

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole.

He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."

[KF0RT]

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!)

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!!!!!.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[W2LYS]

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark.

We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red hed joke.

If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise

[KA9VQF]

What were they thinking?

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear . . . and be misread.

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their web site is www.whorepresents.com.

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com.

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net.

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com.

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com.

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com.

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com.

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com.

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com.

[W2LYS]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.

[WA5KRP]

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."

[W2LYS]

To celebrate Canada's Centennial year of 1967, Vancouver, British Columbia, built a magnificent planetarium that has played to standing room audiences since it opened. Many of its visitors are students of secondary schools, and one school decided to produce a play wherein the student players would enact the roles of heavenly bodies. The teacher who had written the play, chose her cast and awarded the roles to those who would play the Sun and the planets in the galaxies. Shirley, devoted to astronomy, was given the part of a minor planet, but she wanted only the key part of the Dog Star, one of the sky's brightest stars. Shirley tried everything. She importuned. She was tearful. She ranted. But when she finally began a campaign of remarks disparaging to the girl who did get the part, the exasperated teacher finally stopped all her arguments, shouting, "Shirley, you can't be Sirius!"

[WA5KRP]

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central
Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist,
living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire
up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious
aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for
the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest
came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to
Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and
as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a
Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night
arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into
Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a
small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and
chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you
is a catfish."

[KF0RT]

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and
baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father
stork is trying to calm him.

"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only
bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother
and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying.

The mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as
soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies
and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their
son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn,
he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all
night.

The baby stork says, "Aw, Nowhere. Just scaring the heck
out of college students!"

[W2LYS]

I phoned a local delivery company to find out why the parcel our office had sent from Monroe County to Philadelphia resulted in a charge of several hundred dollars. Our copy of the bill listed the correct parcel
contents: one personal computer with monitor, keyboard and mouse. The clerk came back on the line after locating his copy. "The amount's correct, sir. That's our standard charge for shipping a live animal."

[K7FE]

"THE ITALIAN MOTHER"

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."

[WA5KRP]

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a pretty blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

[WA5KRP]

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive." "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

[W2LYS]

Juan, a young man who grew up in Mexico, could not decide whether to become a professional golfer or a bullfighter. Wishing to prove his courage to the local young ladies, he finally decided to become a matador. Unfortunately, Juan was not very good. In his very first match he made a serious mistake and the bull immediately made a hole in Juan.

[WA5KRP]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break through's, etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"Are your people going to nominate Hillary?"

[K7FE]

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity..... and other things that keep me up at night.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. Ho w do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

[ai4ep]

You have heard the term " out of whack " .

What is " whack ".

Where do you get " whack " ?

How do you tell if you are getting low on your supply of " whack " before you run " out of whack " ?

Is whack edible / drinkable / wearable ?

[W2LYS]

Whack Kills.

[WA5KRP]

http://taproot.dreamhosters.com/archives/HPIM1032.jpg


Is this whack, or out of whack? #http://smilies.vidahost.com/ups/sicdeth/headscratch.gif



WA5KRP
Texas

[KF0RT]

One just for our resident punster, 2LYS:

The guy that put this together is recovering in a room with rubber wall paper and a brain defibulater.


FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

[WA5KRP]

If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is a bad idea.

[ab8ma]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."


"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"


When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.


The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,


"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[w7lpn]

Grampa was in the living room swinging the flyswatter when gramma walked in and said, "What ya doin'?" Huntin' Flies", he said with a grin. "Gettin' any", came the query. "Yup, three guys and two gals". "Now just how can you tell their gender?" gramma demanded. "Well", he said with a smirk, "Ya see here, three was on the beer can watching football, and the other two was on the telephone".

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[KF0RT]

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal-
Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket
she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma." or
"This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and
so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally
asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"

The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to Virginia Tech
and this is what she came home with!"

[KF0RT]

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a
10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in
an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the
doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and
open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and
playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some
people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to
visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to
your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers
with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars
wanting to get out.
AT WORK .you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic fellow
prisoners.
AT WORK...........they are called co-workers.

[W2LYS]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome, because we didn't have that as a prize."

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake! I've won a motorhome!"


And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...



"W I N A B A G E L"

[WA5KRP]

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in

women's breast implants. #This is a major breakthrough, since women are always

complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[W2LYS]

A very rich man kept a pair of lions to guard his property. Each of them took turns being on duty. one night, a group of midgets tried to rob him but the lion on patrol caught them and ate them. When the police arrived, the sergeant asked sceptically, "Well, so where is this group of midgets you say broke in ?" The rich man pointed proudly to his guardians and said, "It's all in the lion of duty."

[W2LYS]

Did you hear about the guy who was in love with two women and couldn't decide which of them to marry? He went to a marriage counselor and the counselor asked him to describe his two loves. The confused guy said, 'One girl is a great poet and the other makes delicious pancakes.'

'Oh,' said the counselor, 'I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse.'

[KG6YTZ]

Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ July 20 2006,21:40)]'Oh,' said the counselor, 'I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse.'
...so he proposed to the zookeeper instead and married for monkey!

[KF0RT]

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through
the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg
raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it
very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded
in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn
and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant
turned to face the man and stared at him intently. For a
long minute the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else
but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly,
turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the
events of that day. One day the man was walking through the
zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure,
one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they
are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man
couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to
stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over
the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked
right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk
around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and
forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[KW4MW]

Golf Tragedy Averted

At dawn, the telephone rings... "Hello, Senor Smith? This is Ernesto.the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Uh...I'm just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International speaking competition?"

"Si, Senor.that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed the parrot rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor, he ate the meat of your dead horse!"

"Dead horse? What dead horse?!"

"The thoroughbred that won the Breeders Cup, Senor Smith. He died from a heart attack pulling the big water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor!"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the...!! There's electricity at the house!! What the hell was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."

A long pause of complete silence... "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep S***!"

[W2LYS]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A"" when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[KF0RT]

There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to
fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard
about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake
was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to
the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they
got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and
said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions,
but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all
the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he
asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat
in the water yet."

[KW4MW]

It's well known that the host of Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek, is Canadian. One evening a fellow Canadian was one of the contestants.

In response to a question concerning a certain Parisian landmark the Canadian replied "The Eiffel tower."

Trebek in his usual manner, "Please state your answer in the form of a question."

Canadian, "The Eiffel tower, eh?"

[WA5KRP]

The Golfer and the Dentist

A man and his #wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said#to#the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! #I have two#buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. #So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be#done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The#dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, #"Open your mouth honey and show him."

[N1MLF]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."(Controlling huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....









"Clean my house."

[N1MLF]

INDIAN AND THE BUFFALO

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter,"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter,"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[K1OU]

A man goes into a diner every day and orders ham and eggs.
The waitress tells her friend, "Every day he comes in here, looks at the
menu for 15 minutes and then orders ham and eggs. It drives me nuts."
So the next day the waitress sees the man coming into the diner and she
grabs the menu and erases ham and eggs.

The man sits down. She gives him the menu and says, "I'm sorry sir, I just
scratched your favorite thing."

The man says, "That's o.k. Just go wash your hands and get me some ham and
eggs."

[WA5KRP]

Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning on his way out to check on the cattle the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the back pasture. After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along long rows of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

[N2NKW]

Blond Puzzle








A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.



He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice
cup of tea, and then"

He sighed................


"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[W2LYS]

Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo." It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee.

[WA5KRP]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

"...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted.

"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ... "

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[W2LYS]

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money--fifty thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .... "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

[WA5KRP]

Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism. At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, "Gee, Sam sure looks good, doesn't he?"

The other replied, "Well, he ought to; he hasn't had a drink in 3 days."

[WF7A]

A man needed to talk to his lawyer so he dialed the phone.
"Schwartz, Cohen and Landry," answered the receptionist.
"Hi, my name is Stan Eker and I want to speak to Mr. Landry, my attorney."
"I'm sorry Mr. Eker, but Mr. Landry died the other day."
"Oh. Thank you."
The next day, Eker calls the law firm again.
"Schwartz, Cohen and Landry.," answered the receptionist.
"Hi, I'd like to speak to Mr. Landry, please."
The receptionist recognizes the voice. "I'm sorry, Mr. Eker, but I told you the other day that Mr. Landry died."
"Right. Thank you."
A couple of days later, Eker calls the law firm _again_.
"Schwartz, Cohen and Landry," answered the receptionist.
"Hi, I'd like to speak to Mr. Landry, please."
"Look," she said, "I'm telling you that Mr. Landry is dead. Don't you understand?"
"Yes, I do," replied Eker. "I just enjoy hearing it."

[WF7A]

(Since the Pirates movie is so popular lately I thought I'd post this little silly:)

In honor of Halloween, a First grade teacher told her class to dress up in costume of someone they'd like to be. The next day, the usual costumes appeared in class: princesses, policemen, firemen and the like. Then there was Johnny, the class clown, who wore a pirate costume in full regalia, complete with a slightly oversized hat. The teacher saw this piped up.
"So, Johnny, where are your buccaneers?"
"Under my buckin' hat."

[N9XR]

Bush to audience

Quote[/b] ]I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. (Applause.) You're doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That's where you started practicing? That's good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. (Laughter.) Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.

[W2LYS]

I have a Golden Retriever, and one day I was in line at Wal-Mart, buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd wound up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me.

[W2LYS]

During a whistle-stop campaign, the presidential candidate's train jumped the track and ran roughshod through a farmer's field in the 1930s. Several animals were killed and the politician agreed to reimburse him, making it the first and only time a politician took responsibility for the bulls hit.

[w5alt]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[WA5KRP]

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,

"and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train wreck."

[n2nh]

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?

Answer: Ten

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness,

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb,

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner "Bulb Accomplished",

7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally "in the dark" the whole time,

8. One to viciously smear #7,

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along,

10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never actually managed to change the light bulb.

[ab8ma]

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."


"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."


"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"


"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."


"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."


"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.


"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ."


"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."


"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."


"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."


"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."


"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."


"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."


"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."


"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."


"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

[W2LYS]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs.. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[k4kyv]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a
bench talking and one blonde says to the other,
"Which do you think is farther away,
Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/rock.gif?"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor".
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asked nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your
act together. Just yesterday you take away my
license and then today you expect me to show it to
you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?" The second blonde looks up the river, then
down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the
other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's
office and said that her body hurt wherever she
touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show
me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left
breast and screamed. Then she pushed her elbow and
screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said.
"Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car
on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was
astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel
was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to
his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A
SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to
be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the
American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"
said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied,
"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on
Science her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone
calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a
time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had
acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend
said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the
blonde. "They're watch dogs"

[ab8ma]

Are you missing a 710?



Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here (http://www.mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg) to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:

[WA5KRP]

http://smilies.vidahost.com/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif

http://www.moanacharters.com/images/p-news-19.jpg


Never saw it coming!




WA5KRP
Texas

[WA5KRP]

ROOKY'S FIRST LOBSTER BOIL (http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/23302/1h/cchannel.download.akamai.com/23302/cookinglobsters.wmv)

[w8idb]

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

[W2LYS]

Quote[/b] ]HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food



You forgot #3... bring beer!

[WF7A]

Blonde jokes #387,341 and 387,342:

Q. Why do blondes wear ponytails?

A. To hide the valve stems!

--------------------

Q. What do you call twelve blondes standing ear-to-ear?

A. A wind tunnel.

[WF7A]

In light of Israel's recent attacks against Hezbollah and Lebanon... (with thanks to Leo Rosten)


The Israeli Cabinet met late into the night wondering what they could do to bolster their economy and war situation. After much debate and bickering, a member of the Parliament stood up and bellowed, "Let's declare war on the United States!"
There was an immediate hush.
"Are you crazy?!" lashed out another member. "She'd defeat us in less than an hour!"
"Exactly!" the proponent responded. "Then she'll do what she always does with a vanquished enemy: build new roads, schools and hospitals, rebuild our aging infrastructure, and protect us from our enemies!"
"But," said a lone voice from the back. "Suppose we win?"

[W2LYS]

After several months in the Belgian Congo filming "Roots of Heaven", Darryl Zanuck collected a trunkful of shrunken heads from one of the cannibal tribes. On his return, he decided they might be worth something and called up Saks Fifth Avenue, Beverly Hills. "To whom," he asked the switchboard operator, "do I speak about selling some shrunken heads?" "One moment please." There was a clicking sound, then a firm, business like voice: "This is the head buyer speaking."

[WA5KRP]

http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/casket.jpg


Death of a Cheapskate

[al2i]

<span style='font-size:16pt;line-height:100%'>If Women Controlled the World</span>

http://www.davemcgraw.com/Images/iwctw/iwctwCars.jpg



http://www.davemcgraw.com/Images/iwctw/iwctwBowling.jpg



http://www.davemcgraw.com/Images/iwctw/iwctwTools.jpg



http://www.davemcgraw.com/Images/iwctw/iwctwKeyboard.gif



http://www.davemcgraw.com/Images/iwctw/iwctwParking.gif



http://www.davemcgraw.com/Images/iwctw/iwctwManogram.jpg



http://www.davemcgraw.com/Images/iwctw/iwctwMouse.jpg



http://www.davemcgraw.com/Images/iwctw/iwctwSpeedometer.jpg



http://www.davemcgraw.com/Images/iwctw/iwctwToilet.jpg



http://www.davemcgraw.com/Images/iwctw/iwctwToiletPaper.jpg

[WA5KRP]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[KG6YTZ]

Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ Aug. 14 2006,17:41)]A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?

[KG6YTZ]

I don't know why W2LYS popped into my head when I saw this... http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

&quot;Overboard&quot; by Chip Dunham - Aug. 17th, 2006 [&copy; Universal Press Syndicate]

http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/ob/2006/ob060817.gif

[n1ydx]

Long but good

My Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or
hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please
don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose
this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that
your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
&quot;Barrier method&quot; of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to
sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is: &quot;early&quot;

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no
one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more
than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for
the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness, where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with
a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided also movies which feature
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom,
you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently
tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as
you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain
sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is
no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[n1ydx]

OK - So I like these

CHILI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: &quot;Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.&quot;

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer!

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bird is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my too-too with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poo-poo to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

(edited extensively by N1YDX)

[K7KBN]

During their stay in Manzanar during WWII, some of the Japanese-Americans, particularly the younger ones, planned a rebellion against the Americans who were keeping them captive. Their plan was to use their minds and their intelligence, rather than brawn, to overpower the guards.

They hit upon the idea of a grid of squares on a sheet of paper. The main object was to put numbers from 1 to 9 in the grid in such a way that no number was repeated. Somewhat like a crossword puzzle, with horizontal and vertical lines intersecting and interlocking, the internees were themselves fascinated with the “weapon” which they intended to use in their ‘uprising”.

However, the elders did not support the young “firebrands” in their plan. The young ones tried to get the guards interested in the grid and numbering problem, but the guards were not that interested.

So it wasn’t a coup. It was a pseudo-coup.

[KF0RT]

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the International Institute of Answering Machine Answers. (...the what?)

1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4] &quot;Hi. Now you say something.&quot;

5] &quot;Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.&quot;

6] &quot;Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?&quot;

7] (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

8] &quot;Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.&quot;

9] &quot;Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.&quot;

10] &quot;This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.&quot;

11] &quot;Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.&quot;

12] &quot;Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.&quot;

13] &quot;If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.&quot;

14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

[KG6YTZ]

Quote[/b] (KF0RT @ Aug. 17 2006,17:14)]Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right
Am I the only one who, right at this point here, was thinking crossword puzzle? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[G8ADD]

Quote[/b] (KG6YTZ @ Aug. 17 2006,23:34)]Quote[/b] (KF0RT @ Aug. 17 2006,17:14)]Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right
Am I the only one who, right at this point here, was thinking crossword puzzle? #http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
Man, you're sick - I thought they were painting!

73

Brian G8ADD

[KF0RT]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on,
you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[w8idb]

Running Doe, A young Native American woman, went to a doctor for her first ever
physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests,
the doctor said, &quot;Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health.
I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however.&quot;
&quot;Oh, what is that, Doctor?&quot;
&quot;Well, you have no nipples.&quot;
&quot;None of the people in my tribe have nipples,&quot; she replied.
&quot;That is amazing,&quot; said the doctor. &quot;I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota
Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.
She said, &quot;OK.&quot;
&quot;First of all,&quot; asked the doctor, &quot;How many people are in your tribe?&quot;
She answered, &quot;Approximately 500.&quot;
&quot;And what is the name of your tribe?&quot; asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied, &quot;We're called The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred.

[ab8ma]

Timing has a great deal to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

[ai4ep]

Your wife will never remember all the times you took out the trash, but she WILL remember the time you did not.

[WA5KRP]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.



She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.



George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.



George is a very subtle guy. Don't mess with George.

[KF0RT]

During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary,
Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the
benefits of a marriage of such long duration. &quot;Tell us Tom,
just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful
years with your wife?&quot; an anonymous voice yelled from the
back of the room.

Tom responded, &quot;Well, I've learned that marriage is the best
teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-
restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other
qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single.&quot;

[ab8ma]

##
##

## ## ##
##
##
##
##
##
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, &quot;How old was your husband?&quot; &quot;98,&quot; she replied. &quot;Two years older than me.&quot; &quot;So you're 96,&quot; the undertaker commented. She responded, &quot;Hardly worth going home, is it?
##

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: &quot;And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?&quot; the reporter asked. She simply replied, &quot;No peer pressure.&quot;

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .

--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. &quot;Wal-Mart?&quot; the preacher
exclaimed. &quot;Why Wal-Mart?&quot; &quot;Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week &quot;

--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.#

--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, &quot;For fast relief.&quot;

--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but
they haven't made one called &quot;Buns of Putty.&quot;

--- Don't think of it as getting hot Flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!


--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[VK2TIL]

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling
to her husband &quot; Pack your bags sweetie, I just won the Lotto!
$10 million of it... Woooohoooo!&quot;

&quot;That's great, honey!&quot;, he replies, &quot;Do I pack for the beach or mountains?&quot;

&quot;Who cares!,&quot; she replies, &quot;Just f*ck off!!&quot;

[g1abw]

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, &quot;I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.&quot;

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said, &quot;Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair
cut.&quot;

The young man paused a moment, and then said, &quot;You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.&quot;

To this his father replied, &quot;Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?&quot;

[w8idb]

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, &quot;Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?&quot;

The Rabbi responded, &quot;Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.&quot;

The Priest then asked, &quot;Have you ever eaten pork?&quot;

To which the Rabbi replied, &quot;Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.&quot;

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, &quot;Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?&quot;

The Priest replied, &quot;Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.&quot;

The Rabbi then asked him, &quot;Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?&quot;

The Priest replied, &quot;Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith.&quot;

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for
about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi says, &quot;Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?&quot;

[g1abw]

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England
and said, &quot;Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans.

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, &quot;You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.&quot;

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
but no Ark.

Noah!&quot; He roared, &quot;I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark

Forgive me, Lord,&quot; begged Noah, &quot;but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval.

I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler
system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for
building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even
though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will.They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species!

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark.&quot;

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, &quot;You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?&quot;

No,&quot; said the Lord. &quot;The government beat me to it.&quot;

[K7FE]

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)]



1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

[WA5KRP]

Two baby boys find themselves next to each other in different carts in a supermarket. One says to the other in an excited voice, &quot;Are you still breast-fed?&quot;

The second, with a mournful and thoroughly fed-up attitude says, &quot;Yes, and I wish I wasn't.&quot;

The first one says incredulously, &quot;Why? It's fantastic!&quot;

Comes the reply, &quot;Not when you have to share it with someone who drinks beer and smokes cigars.&quot;