JOKE THREAD REDUX

[w8idb]

A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of
character. She charged that he had called her a pig. Mr. Jones
was indeed found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "Your Honor, this means that
I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson'
with no fear of legal action.

Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said,
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

[W2LYS]

The Tuba player in the marching band was benched for being overweight and unable to keep up with the band when parading. He took the matter to court which meant that girth control had resulted in tubal litigation.

[KF0RT]

"Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up." --Bill Maher

[ab8ma]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors

down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.



After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again

and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this

gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another

batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled

driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."



It pays to be careful around old people....

[W2LYS]

There is a King in a foreign land. His favorite sweets are those little marshmallow birds so famous around Easter time. He especially loves the violet colored ones. Being King, of course, has it's privileges, not the least of which is being able to afford to pay someone to sort your favorite marshmallow treats so that only the crème-de-la-crème are presented to you. The King had his own personal sorter brought in specifically to ensure only the very best, highest tier treats would be given to the King. Of course, no one can work for the King without some sort of royal title. One wag suggested a silly title which not only described what the sorter did, but sounded like the subject of a silly
but popular song from the 1960's. What did the wag suggest for the sorter's title?

Purple Peep Eliter

[al2i]

"The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul.

I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings." — Marc Ostroff.

[w8idb]

This guy decides he wants his dog to be able to dance, so he
enrolls the pet in dance classes. Dutifully, he takes this dog to
class every week, but he sees no improvement. Finally, he takes
the instructor aside and says, "I'm spending a fortune here.
Why isn't my dog's dancing improving?"

"I'm sorry," the instructor replies, "but there's not much I can
do. Your dog has two left feet."

[W2LYS]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One
day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went
out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, and feasting on God's
Holy Word."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

[al2i]

Getting Old!!

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"



Getting Old

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect . Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



Getting Old

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.



Getting Old

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?




Getting Old

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

[W2LYS]

A bird breeder, who dealt with only species that are normally wild, not parrots, canaries, or parakeets, had a difficult life, getting up early to feed all his charges, never taking a vacation, working hard, and yet he enjoyed his life. When the local newspaper interviewed him for a feature story, they asked him if he was sorry about the life he'd chosen for himself. His reply? "I have no egrets."

[WA5KRP]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

[WA5KRP]

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday."

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

[WA5KRP]

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. #It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. #I can hear perfectly."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "what kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

[KG6YTZ]

Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ Feb. 27 2006,10:26)]Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday."

Third one says, "So am I. #Let's go get a beer."
http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif Read a similar one once... Two old English gentlemen were out on a drive and had gotten lost. Eventually they spotted a town ahead. One asked the other, "Is this Wembley?"

"No, it's Thursday."

"Me too! Let's find a pub."

[WA5KRP]

An Iowa farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. #A young boy about 9 opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You #would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. #"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $150 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

[ab8ma]

I just want to add this quip. My wife (ab8ph) kids me a lot. I want to take down the G5RV and add something. Anything.

She tells me that the wire in the G5RV, now useless as far as my transmitter is concerned, is providing an influence to my CW40, which she has nicknamed "the magic wire".

Who am I to argue.

[WA5KRP]

An Irish daughter had been away from home for over 5 years. #Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye#said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[W2LYS]

Did you hear about the veterinarian who was barred from performing surgery because of his poor record? The police busted him for attempting to operate on a sick bird. But the case was thrown out on a technicality: It was an ill eagle surgeon seizure!

[ab8ma]

4 Thoughts............................



1- Zero Gravity

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Your taxes are due again -- enjoy paying them.



2 - Our Constitution

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.



3 - Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building Full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

4 - Joke Redux Thread

Does everybody always check the thousand previous posts to avoid a duplication? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wow.gif

[WA5KRP]

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

- SSgt. R. Lee Ermey

[KF0RT]

Quote[/b] (ab8ma @ Feb. 28 2006,07:14)]Does everybody always check the thousand previous posts to avoid a duplication? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wow.gif
No, but I have a thing about urban legend presented as fact:

Quote[/b] ]NASA never asked Paul C. Fisher to produce a pen. When the astronauts began to fly, like the Russians, they used pencils, but the leads sometimes broke and became a hazard by floating in the [capsule's] atmosphere where there was no gravity. They could float into an eye or nose or cause a short in an electrical device. In addition, both the lead and the wood of the pencil could burn rapidly in the pure oxygen atmosphere. Paul Fisher realized the astronauts needed a safer and more dependable writing instrument, so in July 1965 he developed the pressurized ball pen, with its ink enclosed in a sealed, pressurized ink cartridge. Fisher sent the first samples to Dr. Robert Gilruth, Director of the Houston Space Center. The pens were all metal except for the ink, which had a flash point above 200°C. The sample Space Pens were thoroughly tested by NASA. They passed all the tests and have been used ever since on all manned space flights, American and Russian. All research and developement costs were paid by Paul Fisher. No development costs have ever been charged to the government.

Read all about it. (http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp)

73, Rob
PartyPoop, CO

[ab8ma]

Hi Folks,

Have you ever had reason to remove a steering wheel. The reason I ask is this. I am thinking of doing a little preventative maintenance on my car.

I read somewhere that "the major cause of accidents is the "nut behind the wheel".

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Bob - AB8MA

[W2LYS]

My husband, Jim was trying to fix our carousel CD player. For some reason it would not release any of the CDs after pressing the button. Jim said he couldn't figure out what was wrong with it and I said I know exactly what's wrong. It suffers from ejectile disk-function.

[ab8ma]

Fruitcake Lady :

https://home.comcast.net/~jfmelnick/fruitcakelady.wmv

[W2LYS]

A more enterprising farmboy converted his parents' country place into a tourist attraction by stocking it with African lions. He was so successful that he had to control traffic on the dirt road leading to it by putting up a sign that read "Please Wait Your Turn. The Lion
Farm's to the Right."

[WA5KRP]

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and three days later she became his stepmother.

[W2LYS]

Most customers walk into the Old Coffee Pot restaurant
in the French Quarter, read the menu and burst out laughing.

The restaurant on cobblestoned St. Peter Street has served up platters of sweet lost bread and savory jambalaya for more than a century. After Hurricane Katrina, the staff added an entree: "M.R.E.: A hurricane Katrina favorite. Please order early. FEMA needs 4-7 days to ship. $782.90."

Each time waiter Guy Wenson is asked about it, he stares at the customer and, with a twinkle in his blue eyes, replies, "For an extra $10, I'll peel back the wrapping and 'prepare' it for you at your tableside."

It's a cute one-liner, worth a smile and a wink.

Here, the gag has diners bursting into breath-stealing giggles.

In a city that mourns its dead with cheerful brass bands, where the Catholic cycle of Lenten penitence is ushered in with a drunken party, laughter has always been a part of life. Now, as a culture of gallows humor grows among storm survivors, residents are turning their misery into a punch line.

The gibes — sometimes grim, often silly — can be found everywhere.

Shops are selling out of refrigerator magnets in the shape of maggots, a nod to the insects that infested kitchens after Katrina. Drivers slap on bumper stickers proclaiming, "New Orleans: Proud to Swim Home." Residents smirk over T-shirts that read, "I Survived
Katrina and All I Have Is This Shirt … Really."

New Orleans' Audubon Zoo has outfitted its alligator exhibit with a mock swamp house, complete with a duct-tape-covered refrigerator, a box of military-issued Meals Ready to Eat, and a search-and-rescue sign that reads "8 Gators — fed." (Most houses in the city still carry markings of the block-by-block rescue effort, including neon-colored messages spray-painted on roofs and doors that stated what animals were found and whether they had been fed.)

Comedy clubs throughout the Gulf Coast say business is growing. Before the storm, comedians tested their material each Wednesday night at Lucy's Retired Surfers Bar and Restaurant in the city's warehouse district to a handful of patrons.

Now, a crowd of 40 is considered a slow night.

"You have to laugh, or you'll commit suicide," said co-host Bill Dykes, who runs stand-up events at different clubs here. "People are hungry for jokes."

It doesn't surprise comedian Dane Faucheux that an audience would howl even over jokes that simply play on words. After spending months living out of a suitcase, in a place without reliable power or phone service, many people long to giggle at someone else's harsh reality —
as well as their own.

On a recent Wednesday night at Lucy's, Faucheux stepped onto a plywood stage. He scanned the crowd inside the smoky downtown bar, calmly gauging the mood in the candle-lit room.

It was a motley crew, a cross section of those who refused to leave after Katrina, and those who arrived because of it. A building contractor slumped over his beer at one table. Nearby, a frazzled-looking emergency room nurse, weary from working back-to-back shifts,
sat next to a couple of bartenders.

Taking a deep breath, Faucheux, 27, launched into his shtick.

"So, I lost my apartment in the storm," he said. "I found it two streets away."

Gales of laughter and applause fill the room. Several people nodded their head in wry understanding. One woman shouted, "Me too!"

"I'm so glad my pain can make you laugh," Faucheux deadpanned. "You're all sick. Thank you very much."

[ab8ma]

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[W2LYS]

Bill knocked on the door. A brass plaque read,
"Arthur Jackson, General Manager". A rich baritone
invited him in. As he entered the 18th-floor corner
office, a handsome man wearing his best Palm Springs
casuals strode forward.

"Thank you for coming, Bill." Art motioned to the
bar, waved at a plush chair, and took another beside
it. "As I indicated on the phone, I'm having a bit
of a musician problem. According to my bandleader,
their professionalism is being hijacked by the
costumes of the showgirls, and the music is less than
the perfection I demand at the Trinidad Club."

Bill outlined some ideas, they conversed for a while,
and he finally said, "Give me a computer and quiet
and I'll be back in a half-hour."

Thirty minutes later he was back. "I believe I've
solved your problem. I've put together an eighteen-
piece all-female orchestra. While nothing's guaranteed,
they're less likely to be distracted."

"That fast?" asked Art. "I'd heard you had connections
but I hadn't realized they were that good."

"No problem," replied Bill. "Amazing what you can do
these days with broadband access."

[K7FE]

Four Jewish brothers left home for college and became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were going to give to their elderly mother, who lived in another city.
The first said, "I'm having a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I'm having a hundred thousand dollar home theater built in the house."

The third said, "I'm having my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur.

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama
loves the Torah and you know how she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
Well, I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took ten rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute 100,000 a year for ten years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.

Later, Mama sent out her thank you notes. She wrote:

Dear Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Dear Menachem, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound that can hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. But thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes... and the driver you hired is a Nazi. But the thought was good. Thanks.

Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.
Thank you,
Mom.

[WA5KRP]

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway.

She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to "Oliver Twist" in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to mother."

[N9XR]

Did you hear the one about the newlywed couple who confused window putty with Vaseline?

Yeah, that's right. Their windows fell out.

[W2LYS]

A man took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."

[W2LYS]

A Great Dane complained to the London subway authorities that he couldn't get a train on the Underground. "There are always scores of small dogs in front of me!" he protested. "Well," replied the official huffily, "You shouldn't be trying to travel during the peke hour!"

[W2LYS]

Breaking News

In an attempt to thwart the spread of the bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

[KG6YTZ]

Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ Mar. 04 2006,15:10)]In an attempt to thwart the spread of the bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.
Well, he just wanted to pigeon and do his part. Now he really has something to crow about.

[KW4MW]

A Senator, extremely pleased with a young office aide who performed his duties with enthusiasm and great dispatch, decided to reward the young man by taking him to one of the best restaurants in town. #

When they arrived at the restaurant they were dismayed to find every table occupied. #Seeing one large table only partially occupied, the Senator approached the three men seated there and asked if he and his aide could join them, to which they readily agreed. #

Introductions were made and soon the Senator began praising his aide to the three men who only a few moments ago had been perfect strangers.

“Why”, said the Senator, “This young man is amazing, he can instantly size up any person and as a matter of fact, by judging a persons mannerisms and bearing, he has the ability to determine which institute of high learning they graduated from.”

“Oh really”, said one of the seated men, his voice dripping with sarcasm, “I’d really like to see that”. #

“Certainly”, said the aide. #“First of all the man to your left is a graduate of MIT. #I know that because when he speaks he chooses his words carefully, his comments are mostly highly technical and the dead giveaway is the large scientific calculator he has in his jacket pocket.”

“The man to your right graduated with honors from Princeton. #He speaks concisely and clearly, using words not ordinarily used by the common man and I believe that the large valise beside him that is bulging with paper work contains a manuscript that he will soon publish.”

“You Sir, graduated from Berkeley”

“Well you’re right young man and that is indeed amazing, but you didn’t say how you knew I graduated from Berkeley. #Is it my bearing and grace? #My impeccable manners? #My keen knowledge of worldly events?

“No Sir, not really”, replied the aide, “I noticed your class ring when you picked your nose!”

[WA5KRP]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . . . .

He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home. When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

[ab8ma]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,
"Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are
blind, that you should know five things...

One: The bartender is a blonde woman

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional boxer

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a
professional wrestler.

Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D.
black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude! Now, think
about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and
says: "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it 5 times."

[kd5rpo]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so
priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service (most in Bombay, India) being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for
February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card,
and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance
had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00! A family member placed a
call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, ! great! If not, you
could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" !
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

[KF0RT]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

[WA5KRP]

A beautiful young blonde woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.

"Not guilty," the blonde answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the blond and said, "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100 mph through the centre of London in a blizzard, and you were totally nude?"

The blonde composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said, "What was the date again?"

[W2LYS]

They called the stupid jerk "Wade Shoes" because he wore big spongy clown shoes while wading in pools, fountains, mud puddles and such, and then he would traipse all over people's papers or whatever they had on the ground. I saw a musician in the park writing words and music to a blues tune, with his papers scattered all around, and I can attest that it did no good for the musician to yell, "Don't step on my blues, Wade Shoes!"

[WA5KRP]

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

[W2LYS]

It was very windy, and she was only six years old and small for her age. When her mother asked her to clean off the front sidewalk, the wind nearly blew her away. She picked up the broom countless times, but each time, the wind got the best of her and knocked her over. Her mother came out a few minutes later to see how she was doing and found her stuffing rocks in her pocket. "I thought you were cleaning off the sidewalk," her mother said. "What in the world are you doing?" The child replied: "Now? I weigh me down to sweep."

[WA5KRP]

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: SHMUCK. #At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter."

[W2LYS]

Why did the Giant Chicken cross the road?
Because he was Ostrich Sized.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

Why did the duck cross the road?
He was a little down in the mouth.

Why did the lion cross the road?
To get to the other pride.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.

Why did the goose cross the road
To show he wasn't chicken

Why did the chicken cross to the middle of the road and then stop?
To lay it on the line

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and then return?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser.

Why did the Turtle cross the road?
Because he heard there was a special military unit made up of nothing but lady turtles.
Turtle WAC's.

Why did the amoeba cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide

[W2LYS]

A friend of mine is a student of rather esoteric history. he is studying the development of plumbing in ancient Egypt. Yes. He is a pharaoh faucet major.

[KF0RT]

Movie - Clicky (http://marketplace.espeakers.com/movie.php?sid=5290&aid=10558)

Turn your speakers on and watch some amazing juggling!

73, Rob

[KI4BNC]

Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ Mar. 09 2006,21:14)]Why did the Giant Chicken cross the road?
Because he was Ostrich Sized.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

Why did the duck cross the road?
He was a little down in the mouth.

Why did the lion cross the road?
To get to the other pride.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.

Why did the goose cross the road
To show he wasn't chicken

Why did the chicken cross to the middle of the road and then stop?
To lay it on the line

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and then return?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser.

Why did the Turtle cross the road?
Because he heard there was a special military unit made up of nothing but lady turtles.
Turtle WAC's.

Why did the amoeba cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide
why did the punk rocker cross the road?


















































because he had a chicken stapled to his neck. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[w4rot]

Juggling is ultra cool.
Handeye,NC
w4rot

[al2i]

Four Catholic women were sitting around sipping coffee.

The first woman said, “My son is a priest. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Good morning, Father’.”

The second woman said, “Well, my son is a Bishop, and whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Good morning, Your Grace’.”

The third woman said, “My son is a Cardinal, and when he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Good morning, Your Eminence’.”

The fourth woman sat quietly, drinking her coffee, until the other three finally said, “Well, how about your son?”

She answered, “Well, my son is 6' 2", broad-shouldered, handsome, with dark hair and blue eyes, and whenever he walks into a room, the women all say, ‘Oh my God!’”

[al2i]

You may have heard the hype about Web 2.0 Well, it is already here and many sites have stepped up their technology to employ Web 2.0 features. Here is how you can recognize the difference between the old Web 1 and the new Web 2 enhanced style sites:

http://www.davemcgraw.com/Images/web1.0-2.0.jpg

[WA5KRP]

Why Parents Drink

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about
an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

# #"Hello."

# "Is your daddy home?" he asked.

# "Yes," whispered the small voice.

# "May I talk with him?"

# The child whispered, "No."

# Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
# your Mommy there?"

#"Yes."

#"May I talk with her?"

#Again the small voice whispered, "No."

#Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
#boss asked "Is anybody else there?"

#"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

#Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
#boss asked, #"May I speak with the policeman?"

#"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

#"Busy doing what?"

#"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
#answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
#helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, #"What is that
#noise?"

#"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

#"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

#In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
#just landed the hello-copper."

#Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated
#the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

#Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
#giggle:

#"ME."

[ab8ma]

Christ, Danny. After all this time you FINALLY post something funny.

no no dont hurt me i am kidding really i am please dont

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (ab8ma @ Mar. 11 2006,17:09)]Christ, Danny. After all this time you FINALLY post something funny.
Dude,


Even a blind hog finds a strawberry once in a while.




WA5KRP
Texas

[w5alt]

You mean raspberry ...

[wv6z]

Dunno if this one has made it here yet or not, but I'm not going to review 131 pages to find out so here goes.........

"Alaskan Christmas Party"

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After about six months of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his

door. He opened it and a huge, bearded man was standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars left, he stopped. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."

"Well, I get along with people; I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks

again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too!"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."

[w5ljm]

Visiting the lawyer
A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

[w5ljm]

Signs Of Maturity

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.

[KI6ADA]

> CITY OF NEW ORLEANS HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
>
>
> NAME GANG/CREW NAME
>
>
> 1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out
of
> every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many
> drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?
>
> 2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for
$320
> and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the
rest
> of his hold?
>
> 3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per
> day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
>
> 4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make
> 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the
20%
> profit?
>
> 5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
and
> $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many
more
> Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
>
> 6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
his
> common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much
money
> will
> be left when he gets out?
>
> 7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average
> letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight
> ounce
> cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
>
> 8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang.
> What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
>
> 9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa
Constrictor
> that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena
makes
> $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one
week's
> income?
>
> 10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph,
Joe
> loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece,
how
> far
> away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
>
>
>

[w5ljm]

St. Patty's Day Humor:

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

[WA5KRP]

Did you ever notice:

When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

[WA5KRP]

OK.....it's old. #But it still cracks me up.




# #One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and mask, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde.
#
# The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, #"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

# #"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. #He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
#
# "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.

# Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

# Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" #stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!" #

# #At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

# #With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! #Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[w5ljm]

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[KI6ADA]

You've maybe seen these previously, but they're still funny the second time around.... Enjoy!



For everyone who has had an evaluation – just remember this, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is not so much as a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.’
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together."
11. "A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier."
13. ‘I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He’s been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming."
23. "He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other one is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you’ll hear the ocean."
27. "It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning but the hamster is

cool, give me a raise http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[WA5KRP]

A man is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he
sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap ...... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye"

[w5ljm]

Jokes about Ireland
Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

[WA5KRP]

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. #I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions? #I loved this game and still do. #Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate...why am I still driving around in a thimble?

[KF0RT]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
>> - Lillian Carter (mother of President Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
>> - Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
>> - Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
>> - George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year, and briefly.
>> - Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
>> - Mark Twain


What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
>> - Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
>> - Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
>> - Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
>> - Jimmy Durante


The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
>> - Jilly Cooper


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
>> - Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
>> - Alex Levine


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
>> - Mark Twain


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
>> - Ed Furgol


Money can't buy you happiness ... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
>> - Spike Milligan


What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
>> - Henny Youngman


I am opposed to millionaires.
>> - Mark Twain


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
>> - Joe Namath


Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
>> - Herbert Henry Asquith


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
>> - Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.-
>> WC. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
>> - Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
>> - Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
>> - Phyllis Diller


The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
>> - Unknown


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
>> - Unknown


Be careful of your tongue: It's kept in a wet place and could easily slip
>> - Unknown

[WA5KRP]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a

little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the

sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a

firefighter's helmet. #The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl says.

The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon

to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run

your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think

you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[w5ljm]

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."


Funnies (http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/news/channel/1001)

[WA5KRP]

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins

[ab8ma]

email from my xyl
http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif



The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair.
Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man
came out with tears in his eyes,
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.

"I had to beat him to death with the chair."


MORAL : Women are evil

Don't mess with them
http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[WA5KRP]

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken ****."

The man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather **** in her pants."

[WA5KRP]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[wv6z]

Okay, so it's not really a joke, but it is some funny stuff! ELVIS LIVES!!! (http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=936329)

[KA9VQF]

Sex Frogs

A beautiful young Blonde lady, goes to her local pet store she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says:

Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! comes with complete instructions

She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,"I'll take one."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog!

Nothing happens! The girl is frustrated and quite upset.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,

Call pet store if it is not working.

So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the pet shop owner is ringing her doorbell.

The girl welcomes him in and says, "I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."

[KF0RT]

Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reser-
vation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors
in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his com-
petitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (KF0RT @ Mar. 23 2006,06:58)]While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his com- #
petitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.
http://www.encuentro2000.org/shameonu.jpg


WA5KRP
Texas

[WA5KRP]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

A bout this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind 'a figured we was friends."

[KA9VQF]

This just in:

Warning From Pakistan

This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan -- Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.

It's getting ugly

[W4HAY]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight
or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply
by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...


The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they
also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most
highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up
on the populace and scr*wing them when they weren't looking.

[WA5KRP]

http://www.interplanet.externet.hu/images/dog_jpg.jpg

[ab8ma]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was
filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started
to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives!"

-----------------------

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!

Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, Me too! Let's have another round of drinks to
Dublin."

"Of course"

The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you
attend?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again!"

[WA5KRP]

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

He, thinking it's his lucky day takes her in his arms, and sure enough they find bliss right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards he asks, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken."

[wv6z]

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d148/ku4my/No_Mullets.jpg

[K7FE]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

[WA5KRP]

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination,

whereupon the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age,

Do you and hubby still have intercourse?"



"Just a minute, I'll have to ask

my husband," she said.

She went out and yelled across the reception room :
"Tom do we still have intercourse?"?





Tom answered impatiently,

"If I told you once,

I told you a thousand times...





We have Blue Cross!

[w5ljm]

An Ode to Old Age
#
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

[ab8ma]

When everybody on Earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines, one line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was
100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[N1MLF]

http://www.maineline.net/~jwatts/images/jungle2.gif

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[WA5KRP]

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes

him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential

yacht, the "Sequoia". They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden,

the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves

them off, saying, "Wait, wait, I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water, walks out to

the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, and then walks back

to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned
silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times, the Boston Globe,

the Atlanta Constitution, the Washington Post, the Boston Herald, the Buffalo News,

the Houston Chronicle, the Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, the Minneapolis Tribune,

the Denver Post, the Albuquerque Journal, the Los Angeles Times, and the

San Francisco Chronicle all proclaim:


"Bush Can't Swim"

[g1abw]

A man in Wales buys several sheep hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and
phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artifical
insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when
the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that the sheep will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in the grass.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artifical insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take so loads
them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each
sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

"Try again" he tells himself and proceeds to load them up again, does his
thing, drives home and falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himselffrom the bed to look out of
the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying
in the grass.

"No" she says "they're all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping
the horn".

[ab8ma]

No Nursing Home for Me


About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.





Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.

[WA5KRP]

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several
weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to
doing it while Lucy was out.

He left t o take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand
up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued
her to the commode seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her
predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, In desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the
Hospital Emergency Room.

The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by
saying "Well, doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like
this before."

The doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just
never saw one FRAMED before."

[WA5KRP]

A rabbi once asked his old friend, the priest, "Could you ever be promoted?"

The priest says, thoughtfully, "Well, I could become a bishop."

The rabbi persists, "And then?"

With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, "Maybe I could be a cardinal, even."

"And then?"

After thinking for some time, the priest responds, "I may, someday, rise to be the Pope."

But the rabbi is still not satisfied. "And then?"

With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, "What more could I become? Jesus Christ Himself?"

The rabbi said, quietly, "Well, one of our boys made it."

[WA5KRP]

Will I Live to be 90??
#
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I
was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I
couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live
to be 90?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer
or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs,
either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all
red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or
have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those
things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a ****?"

[WA5KRP]

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[WA5KRP]

An elderly man in the outskirts of Tel Aviv refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures.

His wife yells at him, "Myron, so you think they're dropping bagels on us?"

[KF0RT]

Laws of Marriage (through a kid's eyes):

Q. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like Sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the Chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to Marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who You're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

Q. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get Married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

Q.-HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

Q. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

Q. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know Each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)

Q. WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

Q. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals)

Q. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

Q. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[WA5KRP]

On Wednesday, at two minutes and three seconds after 01:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.



That won't ever happen again.


PASSAGES

[n2nh]

I'm a bit more worried about 06/06/06. Lots of people here are taking that day off.

So, you should compliment her even if she looks like a truck? That explains why marriage #1 went into the dumpster (and my clothes out the window). http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[KA9VQF]

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days, however, if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to date you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance such as, "y'all sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."

***WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how nice his wife's ass is.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is disrespectful to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay down rubber while in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A

REDNECK MURDER***
1. There are no dental records.
2. All the DNA is the same.

[WA5KRP]

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed on earth. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup for a miraculous and dramatic hole in one.
The angel was horrified. "Lord!" he said, "you call this a punishment?!"

"Sure," answered God with a smile. "Who can he tell?"

[N0KLT]

Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ April 02 2006,19:34)]On Wednesday, at two minutes and three seconds after 01:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.



That won't ever happen again.


PASSAGES
It will happen again. In exactly 12 hrs after the first occurance.

[KA9VQF]

Quote[/b] (N0KLT @ April 03 2006,16:12)]Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ April 02 2006,19:34)]On Wednesday, at two minutes and three seconds after 01:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.



That won't ever happen again.


PASSAGES
It will happen again. In exactly 12 hrs after the first occurance.
Well, yeah,…but,….. The first occurrence will never happen again.
http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[K7FE]

Two women meet in the afterlife:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm and sleepy and finally had a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking for her. I ran up to
the attic and searched. I ran down to the basement and searched.

Then I went through every closet and checked under all of the beds. I
kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

[ab8ma]

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell,
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again -
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!

[N1MLF]

Subject: New Englanders

Forget Rednecks ... here's what Jeff Foxworthy has to say on New Englanders:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other majority in the US, you live in New England.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.

If the term Bar-B-Q refers to any meal eaten in the back yard & not a method of cooking pork, you live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in New England.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NEW ENGLANDER WHEN:

"Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day, and back again.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

"Down South" to you means Philadelphia.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends.

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/cool.gif

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[WA5KRP]

Ancient and funny:

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."