JOKE THREAD REDUX

[WA5KRP]

Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything. His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed."

"That's what I did and he wooped my ass."

[WA5KRP]

WOW! 1000 POSTS IN THE JOKE THREAD!


Thanks everybody! There's been many times this thread has brightened my day.


WA5KRP
Gigglebox, Texas

[g1abw]

The ranch


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand.


Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well, Then
one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good
job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no
hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said;

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[WA5KRP]

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to *bleep* you like you've never been *bleeped* before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket. "Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."

[WA5KRP]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly
lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell
her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with
a big tank of latex. #Workers of all hand sizes walk up
to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel
off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well, I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental
procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

[WA5KRP]

Attention all male buttmunches on Texas' roads. #Drive with caution:


Turn up your audio. (http://www.chumfm.com/Morningshow/bits/march24.swf)

[W2LYS]

Don Juan Diego Sanchez Maria de Gutierrez stood on the steps of the new mansion. Surrounded by microphones and reporters, he greeted them: "Welcome to the new center of my home, my estates, and, most
importantly, my coffee plantation.

"While this is my residence, first and foremost it is the heartbeat of Sanchez Coffee. From this edifice all daily activity on the plantation is coordinated, and from the portal at the bottom of the hill, our beans are sent to premier roasters worldwide.

"I'm sure you're all interested in every detail. To get us started, let me give you a tour of the grounds."

[KI6ASV]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the two moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother."

[KI6ASV]

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides". The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbor" and "Lose". The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "ticked" to "pissed." Their remaining higher alert states are "The Marines are coming to get you" and "Kiss your butt goodbye".

[w4ass]

Newlyweds

A guy on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could, he
took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week
and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way."

The doctor told him "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it
heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four
tongue depressors and formed a neat 4-sided splint, and taped it all
together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on
their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room, she rips open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He drops his pants and replies "Look at this. Still in the CRATE!"
73's
bob

[WA5KRP]

I'm gonna ask the ol' lady to get me one of these "Manly Man Remotes" for Christmas:

http://www.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/40179871df.jpg


Who knows - maybe I'll get lucky!


WA5KRP
Texas

[wv6z]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but, after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[WA5KRP]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Get any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[W2LYS]

The old miner's wife watched with her usual concern as he entered the mine, pick in hand. Several hours later she was working in the garden when she heard a loud whooosh and a cloud of dust rolled from the mine entrance followed by a bruised and bedraggled miner. My goodness she exclaimed are you alright dear? what happened? Don't worry he replied, "I'm ok, I just struck a wind vein."

[WA5KRP]

http://deephousepage.com/smilies/lol.gif Harry,

Get help!



WA5KRP
Texas

[WA5KRP]

Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered the following advice:

"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

[WA5KRP]

Newly formalized international glyph for MARRIAGE:

http://www.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/1181416ff4.jpg

[W2LYS]

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being
used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy.

There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill.

The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of "dye a rhea."

[wv6z]

Stuck in a ravine

An Englishman travelling on a very dark night in the Welsh mountains heard a cry for help from someone who had fallen into a ravine near the road.

"Who is it?" he replied cautiously, fearing a trap.

"Dafydd ap Gwilym ap Rhys AP Gruffydd ap Ifan ap Jenkyn" came the response.

"Well", rejoined the Englishman, "if there's half a dozen of you down there you can jolly well pull one another out."

[w5alt]

Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ Nov. 20 2005,17:09)]Newly formalized international glyph for MARRIAGE:
Here's a true one for ya:

The Spanish word for 'wife' is "esposa."
The Spanish word for 'handcuffs' is "esposas."

No joke - look it up. Those latino guys got it right, doncha think? (Or maybe it was the women who invented the word?)

[WA5KRP]

Subject: FRANCE


"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by
prostitutes."
--Mark Twain
------------------------------
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
one behind me."
--General George S. Patton
------------------------------
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without
your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf
------------------------------
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about
it."
--Marge Simpson
------------------------------
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
--Jacques Chirac, President of France

“As far as France is concerned,
you're right."
--Rush Limbaugh
------------------------------
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German
Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--Regis Philbin
------------------------------
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed
any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can
sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is
more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky
I don't know."
--P.J. O'Rourke (1989)
------------------------------
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress
of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't
have the face for it."
--John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
------------------------------
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is
French people."
--Conan O'Brien
------------------------------
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us
get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler
out of France either."
--Jay Leno
------------------------------
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching
into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman
------------------------------
"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in
Canada."
--Ted Nugent
------------------------------
"War without France would be like World War II."
--Unknown
------------------------------
"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one
that says 'First Iraq, then France.'"
--Tom Brokaw
------------------------------
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more
of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than
the Nazis?"
--Dennis Miller
------------------------------
"It is important to remember that the French have always been
there when they needed us."
--Alan Kent
------------------------------
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare
for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white
flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
--Argus Hamilton
------------------------------
"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was
being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never
shot. Dropped once.'"
--Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
------------------------------
"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've
found truffles in Iraq."
--Dennis Miller
------------------------------
"Raise your right hand if you like the French, raise both hands if
you are French."
--Unknown
------------------------------
Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they
entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
------------------------------
"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not
known, it's never been tried."
--Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------
"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in
WWII? And that's because it was raining."
--John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
------------------------------
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after
the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run
to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and
Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent
fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively
disabling their military.
------------------------------
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on
the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after
a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside
of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to
surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

[N0KLT]

Quote[/b] (w5alt @ Nov. 20 2005,23:53)]Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ Nov. 20 2005,17:09)]Newly formalized international glyph for MARRIAGE:
Here's a true one for ya:

The Spanish word for 'wife' is "esposa."
The Spanish word for 'handcuffs' is "esposas."

No joke - look it up. Those latino guys got it right, doncha think? (Or maybe it was the women who invented the word?)
It's called truth in advertising; they are just telling it like it is in Spanish http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[gw4rcm]

A story of the Schitt Family

Have you ever overheard someone saying that someone else doesn't know Jack Schitt? Have you ever wondered who he is and who his family are?. Well, here's the family history of Jack Schitt.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and Oh ####t, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six beautiful children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth.

Next they had twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla ####t and Giva Schitt; and then another son Bull Schitt.

Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they had a son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the happens brothers.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are anxiously awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt

RCM

[W2LYS]

I would like to preface this by saying that my children rarely get soft drinks. This evening Parker was pouring up some Sprite into a glass and he was truly astounded by the effervescence of the bubbly liquid and exclaimed, "Mom, look at all of these bubbles!" Not one to be dismissive of my children's discoveries, I couldn't resist and responded with "So? Duh!"

[KF0RT]

"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

[W2LYS]

Didja hear about the dyslexic cross-dressing football fan who slipped into a sports bra and ordered a drink?

[WA5KRP]

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you man?!"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The Monkey looks down and says "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE.......how much water did you drink?"

[K7FE]

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=382219626&m=1652&rr=y&sou

( Copy and paste above URL)

Happy Thanksgiving!

[KF0RT]

An oldie, but goodie...

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian
said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this
turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my
guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must
return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his
residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that
someone had stolen his turkey.

[WA5KRP]

The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks was filed in New York. It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Center spent the morning at his girlfriend's apartment with his phone turned off. He wasn't watching TV either. When he turned his phone back on around 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife. "Are you OK? Where are you?"

He said, "What do you mean? I'm in my office of course!"

[g1abw]

A well dressed gentleman walks into a pub and up to the bar.

"Can I get you a drink sir"? Enquires the landlord.

"Indeed you can my good man, I'll take one for myself", he says, "I'll take one for you to join me and" raising his voice, "one for EVERYBODY in the pub"!

A large cheer goes up followed by a stampede for the bar. Friends are quickly made and drinks are quickly drunk. Upon finishing his drink, the gentleman turns again toward the bar and the landlord,

"I'll take one for myself, I'll take one for you to join me and one for EVERYBODY in the pub"!

Another cheer goes up. And so the evening progresses, as one round is finished another is ordered by the welcome stranger.

Come ten O'clock the gentleman is just starting his recital, "I'll take one for myself..." when the landlord interrupts,

"Hold on sir, no more, I've no more drink, the pub has been drunk dry"!

"Not to worry", says the gentleman, "come on men, to the next establishment follow me".

"Hold on just a minute", says the landlord, "what about the bill"?

"Ah", says the gentleman "money, yes, well I haven't any, I am sure we are all most grateful for your hospitality..."

At this point the landlord springs over the bar and proceeds to beat the gentleman to within an inch of his life.

Several days later, having discharged himself from hospital, the gentleman finds himself once more outside the same pub, and enters.

The landlord sees him and watches incredulously as he walks toward the bar, just as the gentleman is about to speak the landlord interrupts,

"Hang on, don't tell me, you'll take one for yourself, one for me to join you and one for EVERYBODY in the pub, right"?

"No" says the gentleman, "I'll just take one for myself and one for EVERYBODY in the pub"! He then leans over to the landlord;

"None for you this time my good man, you seem to get a bit nasty after you've had a few".

[w4ass]

A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about .... numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wiff Broccori?"




73 bob
ki4ltg

[WA5KRP]

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

[K7FE]

Oil Change Instructions For Women

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change Instructions For Men

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily
patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded .

49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money Spent
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00

Total $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right!

[w4ass]

This was too funny to not share!!!


>The Ugly Bus
>A bus carrying only ugly people crashes, and everyone inside dies. They
>then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have
>experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
>Paradise.
>
>They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want
>to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second
>one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another "snap"

>of His fingers and the wish is granted.
>
>This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last
>guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this
>guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
>
>Finally , God gets to this guy and ask him what his wish will be. The guy
>eventually calms down, wipes the tears from his eyes and says:
>
>"Make'em all ugly again".
>
>SO...THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE "LAST IN LINE".....CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY!


73's

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif
ki4ltg

[WA5KRP]

At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?"
"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"

[KC0KBH]

Quote[/b] (K7FE @ Nov. 26 2005,16:27)]Oil Change Instructions For Women

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change Instructions For Men

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily
patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded .

49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money Spent
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00

Total $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right!
Here's how the oil change on the four wheeler goes:
<Pre oil change> Guess on if it needs an oil change or not (no odometer).
1. Go to Mills and buy 2 quarts of 10w 40
2. Drive four wheeler onto driveway, and get oil pan underneath it.
3. Go get socket set and dig around for a 19mm socket, or whatever the heck metric socket it uses.
4. Pull drain plug and get oil all over hand.
5. Wipe off hand.
6. Take out reuseable oil filter and clean metal shavings off (if any), and get really oily hand again.
7. Put drain plug and filter back in.
8. Fill with 1.7 qts of oil.
9. Dump drain oil in can (drain oil is free to get rid of around here, at the local Kubota dealership).
10. Start four wheeler and drive down road 2 or 3 times.
11. Look at oil through viewing window and it is just as black as before. ;)

I don't know how the oil gets so dirty so fast. It uses the same oil in the transmission, though.

[W2LYS]

In 2884, Ferdinand Feghoot invented and marketed Dr. Feghoot's Golden Medical Discovery, which raised all vertebrates to the intelligence level of the average TV viewer.

This caused an unemployment problem of major proportions. Eventually, though, the new citizens went to work in factories or offices, hired out as domestics, or were blanketed into the civil service.

Only the ducks could find no jobs at all.

They appealed to Ferdinand Feghoot himself, who solved the problem at once.

It was the custom for people to send themselves greetings on important occasions. After that, when nightingales, thrushes, and other Western Union employees went out to sing greetings like these, a duck went along with the bill.

It was only fitting that Ferdinand Feghoot should get the first of them all on his two hundred and twelfth birthday.

The lark messenger sang, "Many happy returns of the day, dear Ferdinand Feghoot," several times; and then the duck extended his beak with the bill.

"Ah!" Ferdinand Feghoot said with a smile, "A duck-billed platitude!"

[WA5KRP]

When a man buys two cases of beer, it's obvious he is deeply immersed in future planning.

[M3IFK]

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father.

His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers.

The father replied, "That's my boy......"

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[M3IFK]

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex."
...He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.
The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
...He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!
Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear.
The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[K7FE]

THE PERFECT DRESS
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!


A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!

Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."


A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress! ? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"

[WA5KRP]

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."

[WA5KRP]

WTF? # I see Josie Wales. (http://www.nbc17.com/news/5380739/detail.html)

[W2LYS]

A C-130 was en route to a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" Then he went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, and finished with a sonic boom as he reached the speed of sound.

"What did you think of that? " asked the F-16 pilot.

"That was impressive," said the C-130 pilot, "but watch this."

And while the F-16 pilot waited impatiently, the C-130 just droned along. Then, after about 15 minutes, the pilot came back on the radio. "What did you think of that?" he asked.

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "Uh, what did you do?"

The C-130 pilot responded, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back, got myself a sandwich, poured a cup of coffee, used the latrine, brushed my teeth and then checked my E-Mail."

[KA9VQF]

Looks like Jim Morrison to me.

[N0KLT]

Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ Dec. 01 2005,13:43)]WTF? I see Josie Wales. (http://www.nbc17.com/news/5380739/detail.html)
All that is a sign of is that the dude needs to wash his dang truck.

That truck also is probably not the answer to "What Would Jesus Drive" http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[KC0KBH]

I wonder if he made it himself? Looks a little too detailed. Yes, it does look like Jim Morrison, also. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[W2LYS]

Not sure if your local newspaper had the story, but the guy who founded Seaworld died recently. He lived in Delray Beach and the obit went into some detail about what a genius this guy was.

As i was driving through town earlier, there were a group of people holding what appeared to be a silent vigil. I went over to one of them and asked what was happening, and was told.......

"This is the mourning of the sage of aquariums."

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ Dec. 01 2005,21:54)]"This is the mourning of the sage of aquariums."
http://deephousepage.com/smilies/slap.gif

Go to your room, Harry.



WA5KRP
Texas

[wv6z]

Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ Nov. 30 2005,21:54)]Not sure if your local newspaper had the story, but the guy who founded Seaworld died recently. He lived in Delray Beach and the obit went into some detail about what a genius this guy was.

As i was driving through town earlier, there were a group of people holding what appeared to be a silent vigil. I went over to one of them and asked what was happening, and was told.......

"This is the mourning of the sage of aquariums."
What's this I hear about Jimmy Hendrix being gay and the words to Purple Haze really being, "S'cuse me while I kiss this guy!"?

[WA5KRP]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, #"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. #If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer

[WA5KRP]

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in fear as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell out of the tree while he was cleaning himself."

[w4ass]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to
REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us
who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud
Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.



ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.


ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in o ffice is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything
I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START

[KC0KBH]

Quote[/b] (ku4my @ Dec. 01 2005,16:00)]Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ Nov. 30 2005,21:54)]Not sure if your local newspaper had the story, but the guy who founded Seaworld died recently. He lived in Delray Beach and the obit went into some detail about what a genius this guy was.

As i was driving through town earlier, there were a group of people holding what appeared to be a silent vigil. I went over to one of them and asked what was happening, and was told.......

"This is the mourning of the sage of aquariums."
What's this I hear about Jimmy Hendrix being gay and the words to Purple Haze really being, "S'cuse me while I kiss this guy!"?
Zeppelin songs:

To "Stairway to Heaven"

"And there's a wino down the road. I should have stolen oreos." http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

Actual: "And as we wind on down the road. Our shadows taller than our souls. There walks the lady we all know..." (or something like that)

To "Whole Lotta Love"

"You need Kool Aid." http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[KF0RT]

Quote[/b] (KC0KBH @ Dec. 04 2005,20:38)]Quote[/b] (ku4my @ Dec. 01 2005,16:00)]Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ Nov. 30 2005,21:54)]Not sure if your local newspaper had the story, but the guy who founded Seaworld died recently. He lived in Delray Beach and the obit went into some detail about what a genius this guy was.

As i was driving through town earlier, there were a group of people holding what appeared to be a silent vigil. I went over to one of them and asked what was happening, and was told.......

"This is the mourning of the sage of aquariums."
What's this I hear about Jimmy Hendrix being gay and the words to Purple Haze really being, "S'cuse me while I kiss this guy!"?
Zeppelin songs:

To "Stairway to Heaven"

"And there's a wino down the road. I should have stolen oreos." http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

Actual: "And as we wind on down the road. Our shadows taller than our souls. There walks the lady we all know..." (or something like that)

To "Whole Lotta Love"

"You need Kool Aid." http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
Mondegreen. That's the word.

73, Rob

[wv6z]

Quote[/b] (KF0RT @ Dec. 04 2005,07:25)]Mondegreen. #That's the word.

73, Rob
Cool Rob and thanks, you have enriched my word power!

[W2LYS]

Military in Heaven



A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was "The Best." The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They were run over and killed instantly.



Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.



There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him,"Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?"



Saint Peter replied,"I can`t answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile. thank you for your service on earth and welcome to Heaven."



Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter`s shoulder. In the dove`s beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note... trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:



MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE:



TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines



SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best



1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.



2. Each serves America well and with distinction.



3. Being a serviceman in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute and dedication from your fellow man.



4. Always be proud of that.



Sincerely,



GOD, USAF (Ret)

[g1abw]

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules, any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ....... whether you're here or not."

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)

-----------------------------------------------

Marriage - Part II

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage - Part III

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

He says, "In bed this early, doing what?"

She says, "Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage - Part IV

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage - Part V - The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[WA5KRP]

I want to hang a map of the world in my house.
Then I'm going to put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to.
But first, I'm going to have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that I can pin it to the wall in my house.

[WA5KRP]

Avoid farting in a wetsuit:



http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/bugsex.jpg

[WA5KRP]

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she
noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down,
she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her.
She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were
three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a
stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently
walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an
eye, she said, "I'll bet none of you boys thought I was gonna make it."

[KF0RT]

Important health Q&A


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it......don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables.. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass a green leafy vegetable). A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.


Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!? It's the best feel good food around!" Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!

One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.

[KF0RT]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID NOW AT THE MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilverLake. He joined up the same time as me.

But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

[WA5KRP]

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in." Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a blonde simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."


(UGH!)

[2E0GYD]

a man died eating musli

the police said he died because of strong currents

73 de Rick 2E0GYD








(musli is a cereal that has rasins, currents, etc in)

[al2i]

I think some of you may need to tke this Insanity Test. (http://www.tekzoned.com/instest/)

[WA5KRP]

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son.

Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

[KC0KBH]

Are some of the jokes repeating? I feel like I have heard some here before. I haven't heard anything on this page before, but in the some previous 106 or so pages ( http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif ), it seems as if I have heard some jokes multiple times, with variations. If I have told any, someone probably beat me to it before. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

[W2LYS]

Best Out of Office Auto Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 September. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer a nd try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see all the in-duh-viduals who did this)

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

7. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jim'.

[KF0RT]

Quote[/b] (KC0KBH @ Dec. 11 2005,17:47)]Are some of the jokes repeating? I feel like I have heard some here before. I haven't heard anything on this page before, but in the some previous 106 or so pages ( http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif ), it seems as if I have heard some jokes multiple times, with variations. If I have told any, someone probably beat me to it before. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif
We only allow original, never-before-told jokes here.

You must have this thread confused with some of the other joke threads on QRZ. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

73, Rob

[ab8ma]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack
it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it --
mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.


Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't
cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't
live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit
for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no
future in it.

My last job was working at coffee house, but I had to quit because it
was always the same old grind.

SO, I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM


PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

[ab8ma]

some of these are ok to share with children



1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up
On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They
Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of
It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too
Long? Polaroid's.

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A
Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho
Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate
Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.


12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A
Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea
Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where
You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They
Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because
It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between A Hoover and A
Harley? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because
They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A
Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, "Damn!" A Bad
Skydiver Goes "Damn!" Whack!

22. What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop,
Clop, Clop? An Amish Drive-By Shooting.

23. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce
The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

[n7rjd]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years,
whereby The auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in
four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in
fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last moments before the crash.

They were not surprised to find in 43 of the 50 states the recorded last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S#!t!"

But the states of Mississippi, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Arkansas,
Alabama and Kentucky were different, where 89.3 percent of the final
words were, "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'."

[W2LYS]

Top Ten Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend


10. Camping alone outside the theater.

9. My force is no longer with me.

8. The Death Star is not yet operational.

7. The Empire's striking out.

6. Shaking hands with the wookie.

5. Darth Vader has no place to put his helmet.

4. Oiling the droid.

3. Unable to set coordinates for the planet Babe.

2. Spending the night with Han Solo.

1. Tractor beam not powerful enough.

[n7rjd]

Quote[/b] (ab8ma @ Dec. 12 2005,03:53)]1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
Ok, but how do you catch a polar bear?

First you need a can of peas and a knife. Use the knife to cut a hole in the ice. Line peas up around the hole in ice. When the polar bears comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

[WA5KRP]

Morty and Saul are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul turns to Morty, "Listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

[n0ov]

A man and his wife were sitting in the ham shack when he tells her. Just so you know- i never want to live in a vegative state - dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens just pull the plug.

PROMPTLY his wife unplugges the HF radio, internet, tv and throws out all of his beer!!!

[KG6YTZ]

Vegetative state... fluids from a bottle... Now why the heck do I have a sudden craving for V8?

KG6YTZ - As confused as a moth in a lamp store.

[KG4ZQZ]

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when suddenly...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I am sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget "

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
Ees.........
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
Ees.....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
Ees, a Ham Bush"

[g1abw]

ROSE BUDS & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very sheer blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Happy Gardening. (This is too funny not to share)

[wv6z]

A little old lady, visiting the seaside at Conwy for the first time, saw some
men preparing to go fishing, collecting their baskets and nets.
She said to one of them: "What are those things?"
He said "Lobster pots."
She said "Go on, you'll never train them to sit on those things!"

[WA5KRP]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to
avoid it but couldn't -- the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to
lobbyists. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car
with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of
expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and
was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer
gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin
daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

"I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just
killed the old cow."

[KF0RT]

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, corazoncita, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.. "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!

[wv6z]

Meurig, a rugby player from Pontypridd had fallen during the match and sprained his ankle. Later that day he went to a pub. He saw Dr Jenkins there. He asked the doctor if he could treat his ankle and how much it would cost.

“Three guineas,” answered Dr Jenkins.

Meurig was overjoyed to hear that and he immediately bought Dr Jenkins three bottles of Guinness.

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (ku4my @ Dec. 14 2005,22:37)]Meurig, a rugby player from Pontypridd had fallen during the match and sprained his ankle. Later that day he went to a pub. He saw Dr Jenkins there. He asked the doctor if he could treat his ankle and how much it would cost.

“Three guineas,” answered Dr Jenkins.

Meurig was overjoyed to hear that and he immediately bought Dr Jenkins three bottles of Guinness.
UGH. Have your dog bury that bone. Some how Welsh humour is lost on me.


HAW!©



WA5KRP
Texas

[WA5KRP]

Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.
The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Texas town: "PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."

[W2LYS]

Two friends were hunting in the woods. One was an experienced hunter. He was taking his friend on his first hunting trip. But his friend was a peaceful guy who didn't have the heart to hurt any animals.

Eventually, they found a deer. When they were within shooting range, they saw that the deer had an infection in one eye. The infection explained why the deer hadn't seen them sneak up. The experienced hunter readied his gun and looked through the viewfinder. But before he could shoot, his friend started making a commotion. "Hey," he said, "this is a bad-eye deer."

[K7FE]

A lawyer and a blonde girl happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works . . " I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this?

If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that
there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question . . "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer . . "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for
the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get
back to sleep. The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated!
He wakes the blonde again and asks . . . "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[K7FE]

A pirate was swapping tales with a Buddy of his and his buddy asked him what happened to him for he was missing a leg and arm and his eye.

" well it goes like this " the pirate says, " I t'was raidin' a ship when thiis bloke knocks me arm wit 'is sword takein me hand and as i dive fer cover ah skims right off de ship. I manages ta grab ahold of a rope an get dragged along b'side de ship an froom de thrashin' an' bleedin inta de waters a shark comes up an' takes a bite outa me leg i figure Imma goner but me mates drag me up and cauterize the wounds den de set me up with a hook an' a peg leg"

"Well what about yer eye" his friend asks
"nah I do nae like talkin' bout it much"
"Oh come on we been mates fer yers"
"Well we was coming inta port an' I look up an' a durn seagull dropped 'is load right in me eye"
"And this caused you to loose yer eye?"
"Well 'twas also me first day with the hook"

[W2LYS]

There was a certain die-hard redneck who clung irrationally to his dreadfully unfashionable hairstyle way past the point where it was even the least bit "cool." You know the kind I mean. It made him look
like he was in a 1970s time warp. His buddies were pretty hard on him about it and were horribly cruel. One day he finally had enough and just went down to the barber shop and had his entire head shaved
bald. To celebrate his new look, he went across the street to the bar for an early afternoon drink. He ordered up a martini, tossed it back and promptly burst into flames!

What else could he expect by celebrating a haircut with a drink such as that? It was a "mullet-off cocktail."

[ab8ma]

Norman and his blonde wife live on Garland St. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. According to the DPW, you must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. According to the DPW, you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again. The radio announcer begins, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. According to..." but then the power goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do!"

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[WA5KRP]

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"
The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.

The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"

The madam smiles and says, "We're not filming today."

[WA5KRP]

A fella walks up his sidewalk carrying a farm animal. His wife, with a look of disgust, meets him at the door. The guy says, "This is the pig I've been poking for the last 10 years."

The wife says, "That's no pig, it's a sheep."

The man says, "I wasn't talking to you."

[WA5KRP]

An Irishman walks past a bar..........aw, skip it. That'll never happen.



WA5KRP
Texas

[w8idb]

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they
would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only
political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on
and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found
political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store
to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to
only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the
TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was
right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the
antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found
the problem.

The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to
the manure spreader.

[w8idb]

An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.

He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take
a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled
his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee!
that's awful stuff you've got there."

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun
on me while I take a swig."

[al2i]

President Bush and Sec'y Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning to nuke ANWR."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 thousand caribou and one blonde with a big bosom."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with a big bosom? Why kill a blonde with a big bosom?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 thousand caribou".

[WA5KRP]

A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

"I was out of town on business," he told the doctor," and I wired my wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday instead of Wednesday. When I got in I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed with my best friend!"

The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears.

The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments then said, "Maybe she never got your telegram."

[KG4ZQZ]

Crisco!

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco,
Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm
calling my husband."

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out
in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lard ass."

[KB9ZLB]

(The following is an actual exam question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by the student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.)

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:


"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving in to Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This give two possibilities:

1: If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2: If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the termperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having that event take place, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."


**The student received the only "A" given.



((this was e-mailed to me by my dad who got it through someone at work who got it from someone at work...ect....))

[ab8ma]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

(Now this is going to kill you. . . .}

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> She sells C cells by the sea shore!

[ab8ma]

A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hail storm.
The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered
with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.

The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He
tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all
the dents will just pop out.

The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and
knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she
blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.

Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks, "What in the
world are you doing?" The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents
to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you
think you should roll up the windows first?"

[WA5KRP]

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight. The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men. "What's going on here - why are you fighting?"

"My partner just had a stroke and these jerks want to count it on the scorecard."

[ab8ma]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going
to steal your neighbor's newspaper,