JOKE THREAD REDUX

[WA5KRP]

That's so stupid I couldn't stop laughing. BRAVO!



WA5KRP
Texas

[W2LYS]

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy.

There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill.

The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of "dye a rhea."

[W2LYS]

An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner of Lingot and Main. Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.

The lone clerk regarded him with some trepidation.

"I want to speak to the manager,'' he demanded.

''I'm sorry Sir, Mr. Mowbray isn't in today. Is there anything I can help you with?''

"You're damn right there is," he sputtered, his anger gushing out like urine in a pub. He reached into his pants pocket, extracted a tattered wallet and slammed it down on the counter.

''I bought this piece of junk here only two months ago and now look at it. It's falling apart. Forty-nine ninety-five it cost me! Forty-nine ninety-five,'' he added for more emphasis. "Can you believe that?'' His face was getting redder.

The clerk wasn't sure what to say to him. She only hoped the top of his head stayed put.

She picked up the wallet and examined it. ''Yes, Sir, it certainly isn't in very good shape. And you say you've only had it for two months?"

''That's what I said. Two months and it falls apart. And you know what else?''

''No,'' she answered cautiously. ''What?''

''It isn't even leather. You ripped me off. It looks like leather, feels like leather, even smells like it. But I'll be damned if it is. And you charge me almost fifty dollars for it."

He was sputtering badly now.

''That's highway robbery and I don't intend to let you get away with it.''

''Well ... what exactly are you looking for?"

"I want my money back, every cent of it.''

“Do you have your receipt?''

He opened the wallet and produced the slip. She examined it.

“I’m afraid there's nothing I can do.''

The top of his head seemed to rise above his crimson ears. ”What do you mean?” he bellowed. ''I have my receipt, the goods were defective and I want restitution. Do you understand?"

''Yes, of course I understand but as I just told you, there's nothing I can do.” She was more confident now.

”What kind of store is this? I buy something in good faith and when it falls apart prematurely you refuse to give me satisfaction. Is that the kind of operation you're running?"

"It's not that simple Sir. We are indeed a reputable firm but in this case, well, ... I'm sorry.''

His sputtering had shifted into high gear and he was showering the clerk with spit. ”Sorry ... sorry? That's all? Perhaps you'd explain just why you insist on treating me like this."

She pointed to the receipt. "Did you read the fine print?''

He was dumbfounded. ”What fine print?"

''Here, just below the total. She pointed to it like a teacher in a class of maddeningly slow learners. ''See,'' she said, ”All Sales Are Vinyl.''

[W2LYS]

Ibn Saud ben Alekh, a respectable and dignified merchant, was attending a camel auction in the main square when he was overcome by the most terrible intestinal cramps. Finally, unable to contain himself, he let out a giant fart, which was so noisy and so pungent that the people around him looked aghast and stepped back in a circle.

Overcome with shame, Ibn Saud went straight home, packed, and turned his back on his birthplace.

For many years he led a nomadic life, wandering from town to town, but as old age approached, so did the longing to return to his hometown. By this time he was aged and stooped, his hair and beard long and gray. He was confident that no one would recognize him and link him to that mortifying moment.

So he returned to the town and headed straight for the main square, where he immediately noticed that the mosque now boasted a spectacular turquoise and gold-leaf facade.

Turning to the passerby, he commented on the magnificent mural. "Peace to you, my son," greeted the old man, "can you tell me when it was completed?"

"Let me think," replied the man. "Yes, that would be seven years, five months, and twenty-two days after Ibn Saud ben Alekh farted a big one in the square."

[g1abw]

The Royal Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Flight Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my p*nis to my t*sticles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received but the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him provided the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeants p*nis and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your t*sticles?"

The old Sergeant smugly replied.. "The Falklands "

[M3IFK]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted....


Happy Friday
http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[g1abw]

An old one, but still good for a Friday afternoon...



Response to a request for further details from an Insurance Company.

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, so I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new eighty-foot tower. When I had completed the work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than now carry them all down the tower, I decided to load the items down in a small barrel, using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and hardware into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and undid the rope, holding it securely to ensure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were 2 knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of the pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 lbs.. I refer you again to my weight as noted in Section 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent of the tower.

In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the 2 fractured ankles and lacerations to my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately only 3 vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope.......................

[KW4MW]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

[KF0RT]

An Arkansas mountain man made the long walk into town one fateful Saturday afternoon carrying a jug of homemade moon-shine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

He stopped a poor, unfortunate fellow on the street, saying to him, "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug. I made this maself!"

The man protested, saying he couldn't possibly bring himself to drink homemade moonshine. But the mountain man leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded, "Drink!"

The stranger took a swallow, and immediately shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Have mercy!" he finally cried. "That's awful stuff you've got there."

"Ain't it, though?" replied the mountain man. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."

[KF0RT]

"Today after President Bush signed the new transportation bill he said that it's not enough to just pass the law - he said now "people have to show up to do the work." Then he went back to his five-week vacation." --Jay Leno

[G8ADD]

Quote[/b] (g1abw @ Aug. 12 2005,14:49)]An old one, but still good for a Friday afternoon...



Response to a request for further details from an Insurance Company.

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, so I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new eighty-foot tower. When I had completed the work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than now carry them all down the tower, I decided to load the items down in a small barrel, using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and hardware into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and undid the rope, holding it securely to ensure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were 2 knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of the pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 lbs.. I refer you again to my weight as noted in Section 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent of the tower.

In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the 2 fractured ankles and lacerations to my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately only 3 vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope.......................
Hoffnung at the Oxford Union - but I prefer your version!

73

Brian G8ADD

[KF0RT]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pul-
ling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter,
"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure thing, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking
the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts
the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the
place!

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun
in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want
coffee!"

The waiter says, "Whoa, mister! We're still cleaning up
your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about,
anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper
management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave
mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[KW4MW]

A friend of mine used to work for the maintenance gang of a major railroad company. #

One day a component of a track switch, called a frog, #was brough into the maintenance shop for rework. #Although the track parts were in good shape, the hardware that bolted it together were rusted and required replacement. # It fell to him to remove and replace the faulty hardware which he set forth to do with professional enthusiasm with cold chisel and sledge. #

Unfortunately the cold chisel slipped off the offending hardware and the sledge slammed into his wrist, breaking one bone and bruising the surrounding tissue. #He sought immediate medical attention which resulted in his wrist being placed in a cast and he was placed on sick leave for a week. #

He was also obligated to fill out the mandatory company injury report and associated insurance forms. #

A few days later, a young lady in HR called him up and was most distressed as to the reason he had given for injuring himself. #

His reason: #"Cutting the nuts off of a frog."

[N2VPZ]

Bubba,
Havn't had that good a laugh in years! Thank you so much.
Some years ago, while working in a US Army Hospital my young ( very stupid) assistant was horsing around with the guy from medical maintenance, who was doing the monthly PM. He (my asst.) insisted that electricity would NOT pass thru BDU's (battle dress uniform). He grabbed the defibrillator paddles put them across his left knee and fired the sucker.UH HUH! 1500 volts!!! His body flew across the hallway,hit the wall and slid to the floor. ALL hell broke loose, the Code blue was called, the Major came flying out of his office screaming "you stupid son of a b*****". He spent the night in ICU.
What was that statement about GREAT MINDS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.:D

[n0ov]

The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur
Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man and your
motorcycles have changed the world. Your reward is, you can hang out with
anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the
Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a
road!?!"

Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the
inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."

[W2LYS]

THE TEENAGER DAUGHTER OWNER'S MANUAL

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters, or who will soon have a teenage daughter....

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, & answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the 'product' to the factory for a full refund.

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:


*To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. - Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup & less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth. (except when requesting money)?

© Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

*If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD

When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, & you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain Behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, & stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION

To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between The words "clean" & "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because They take frequent showers and or baths that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom & dad use." When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out & wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy & don't have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These 'others' are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be Purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because, "It is like so disgusting." She doesn't want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you &, "Like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you &, "OHMIGAWD! HE IS SO HOT!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy!

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish & frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE

Teenaged daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: "High," & "Ultra High." Of course, YOUR daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough, & whatever you try, won't work.

WARRANTY

This product is not without defect because she has "your" genes, for heaven's sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, & as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it -- you just might find her!

[w8idb]

A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a
stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit
everything, but only if she remarries within six
months of my death."

"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.

"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I
died."

[w8idb]

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.
"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.
"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"

[KI6ADA]

the post are great http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[WA5KRP]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

She replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about Herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. #He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. #Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." #He slips both of his hands into her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. #After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"Yes. I promise," she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[WA5KRP]

A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."

Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same..."

[W2LYS]

One lazy afternoon at Fort Samuel the enlisted men hoofed it over to the baseball diamond for afternoon rec. Around the corner came Buzz Wilkie, newly minted Sergeant. "Hey, Sarge, congrats on the promotion!"

Buzz waved off the attention. "Well, thanks, but let's play ball." Glove in hand, he asked, "How many 're showing up today, do you think?"

The guys looked at each other unsteadily. Finally Ted spoke up. "Um, er, Sarge, you can't play now. No officers, remember?"

"But I'm just an NCO! That's not an officer!"

"Maybe in YOUR book, Sarge. But that's non-commissioned OFFICER. And it says right here in OUR book -- three stripes and yer out!"

[KW4MW]

LYS - that reminds me of that line from "Good Morning Vietnam"

"What does 3 up and 3 down mean to you airman?"

"End of an innning?"

[w8idb]

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.
Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.
To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (w8idb @ Aug. 17 2005,16:24)]With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!
Are you W2LYS' sister?




WA5KRP
Texas

[W2LYS]

A Spaniard, Juan by name and not nature, fell in love with Carmencita, a most possessive girl. She had heard the gossip that his was a wandering eye but it didn’t surprise her because that trait was inherited from his primitive ancestors when they swung continually from limb to limb.

She decided there was only one way she could be certain her man would remain faithful until she could exchange the alter for the halter. By accompanying him everywhere, every waking moment, she became the village joke but her vigilance was rewarded when she was able finally to wed her suitor without his ever once being unfaithful, a state of grace hitherto unheard of in all of Spain.

Everywhere she went, eager inquiring maidens would ask her for the secret of her success and her wise answer can be condensed to seven words:

You always herd the Juan you love.

[w8idb]

Are you W2LYS' sister?




WA5KRP
Texas

Don't think so, my sister was an only child.

[W2LYS]

Quote[/b] ]Don't think so, my sister was an only child.


Now this is interesting... my sister says the exact same thing!

[w8idb]

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

[W2LYS]

I went to a fine restaurant yesterday that's famous for it's gigantic salad plates. They feature a number of the standard dressings as well as several exotic and unusual ones. When there's a salad bar I usually take samples of several dressing types and distribute them onto different areas of my salad plate. With the exception of ranch, I enjoy most salad dressings equally well, and I'm always a bit befuddled when the waiter asks me to chose just one. This time I boldly suggested that perhaps he could merely provide me with a small dash of each type of available salad dressing so that I might experience some of each.

"Ah ha!," he replied, "You want 'The Works!'"

"Well, yes," I replied, "except for the ranch dressing. I really don't care for that. Please don't throw a ranch into the works."

[w8idb]

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

[w8idb]

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame

[w8idb]

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

[w8idb]

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia."

The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?"

Artie answers, "No."

The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you."

Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

[w8idb]

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

[w8idb]

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

[w8idb]

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

[w8idb]

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of ... "dye a rhea".

[w8idb]

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

[W2LYS]

Back in the early 1980's, Perry worked under deep cover in the old Soviet Union. He had a mole in the Kremlin, and consistently passed top-grade information back to Langley.

The usual system for getting information into the diplomatic pouch was a standard "dead- drop" network, and a "Cultural Attache" from the Embassy would, on signal, ensure that the information got back.

And then Murphy's Law struck. On the very day that Perry had the most vital information he'd seen in six years of work, he discovered that the dead-drop had been compromised.

Quickly setting into motion the one-time-only emergency procedures for direct contact, he put the information in a miniature ROM integrated circuit, slipped it in his pocket, and headed out to the zoo.

On cue, Oliver walked up alongside him. Passwords were exchanged, and as Perry stooped to pick up a dropped newspaper, he slipped the ROM into the cuff of Ollie's pants. As he stood up and prepared to move on, his parting words were, "No matter what happens... don't give up the chip!"

[w8idb]

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".

The other replied, "No, it's not!".

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."

[W2LYS]

It was spring and I'd been busy putting in seeds for a vegetable garden. However, my terrier pup follows and digs them up as soon as I've planted. This has caused me to hire a group of rabbits from a nearby forest preserve to help put the seeds in again They're known as my reseeding hare line.

[w8idb]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

[w8idb]

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.

[W2LYS]

People were always wondering about the Great Detective. His methods were infallible and his exploits legendary, but he did have that strange habit. When faced with a particularly difficult conundrum, the Sleuth would stroll out to a rocky beach and fling pebbles at seabirds. He claimed it relaxed his mind.

Some thought him mad, and felt that he could not be relied upon, but Scotland Yard continued to call on him at need because they knew....

No matter how difficult the case, he would leave no tern unstoned.

[w8idb]

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it."

Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."

[w8idb]

There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"

Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?" To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."

[W2LYS]

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up
sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few
points. Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins
dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. And Scott
Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

[w8idb]

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

[W2LYS]

There were these two brother Boll Weevils who grew up in this little dung town. The younger one had ambitions so he decides to burn his brows getting a degree and became a great lawyer and eventually a city councilor for this pungent town. Had a great family and was well known in the cow town as a great and important arthropod. The older one was contented where he was, never really deciding to do anything that would make him an outstanding citizen. He was better known as the lesser of two weevils.

[w8idb]

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

[w8idb]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

[W2LYS]

My Uncle Jim did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever seen to have friends or pets. We thought he was the primordial loner, until one time we caught him with his ant farm.

He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a deep and private affair, and we admired him for it.

One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top off the ant farm and his creatures were gone. Practically in tears, he called me on the phone.

When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "The ants are my friends. They're blowing in the wind. The ants are blowing in the wind.!"

[w8idb]

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.

Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.

So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.

Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming' ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

[W2LYS]

In the 1950s, Nicholai was living in Prague. He was of less than desirable character because of his heavy involvement in crime. After all his crimes, he found out that the police were hot on his trail. Nicholai decided to leave the country. He ended up hiding in the home of his cousin Josef in Budapest.

Of course, the police ultimately found out where he was and arrested both men. Nicholai was charged with all the crimes he committed in Prague. Joseph was charged with caching a bad Czech.

[w8idb]

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise liner - first class all the way... The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship's crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent's fireplace mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.

[w8idb]

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.

I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.

So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong's again.

Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.

And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.

The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.

The Moral: ... Two Wongs cannot make a white."

[w8idb]

Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!"

[w8idb]

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

[w8idb]

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,

"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".

[W2LYS]

A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure.

After months of hard sailing,his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading.

He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp.

Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.

It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something
hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.

Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination!

The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"

[w8idb]

Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.

The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.

So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it, figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.

So he looked in his himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with all the sugar in the village.

Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after it`s usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after another villager.

After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another chance, and the chief agreed.

The next day, the hunter looked back to his himalayan monster field book and found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.

So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time for it`s villager feast.

But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon. The medicrin imediatly became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader than a doornail.

The moral of the story? A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.

[W2LYS]

A number of years ago I worked in a small company situated just off Kenmore Square. There was a camaraderie in a company of only eight people that can't be duplicated in a large-company environment.

As a group we very quickly discovered that seven of the eight of us shared something besides the office- supplies business -- we all were fairly talented as musicians. The eighth happened to be the owner, who didn't play an instrument, but was possessed of an excellent tenor voice.

So we took to jamming after hours -- a piano, drums, two saxes, a bass, and two guitars. And the owner would sing along with any tune we'd come up with. Unfortunately, the neighborhood was somewhat residential, and we quickly began to receive complaints about the noise level in the evening hours.

Eventually we were served with papers telling us we were no longer allowed to use that facility for our merriment -- we'd become Band and Boss Din.

[w8idb]

Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.

After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".

The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".

Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?".

The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"

Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.

Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"

[w8idb]

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

[w8idb]

Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".

The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

[W2LYS]

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells
to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis
Team after its tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the
Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Gong Bill.

[w8idb]

There's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."

[w8idb]

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Well Bill went out bough some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint. Well the paint was too thin cover well but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, "Repaint and thin no more."

[W2LYS]

Strolling the streets of lower Manhattan the other day at lunch, I wandered into a silversmith's storefront workshop. The young man immediately bustled out from behind his workbench and introduced himself.

He showed me some of his original-design earrings, rings, belt buckles, and so forth. Then he reached behind the counter and brought out a brilliant piece of artwork.

"It's a hunting knife," he said, beaming with pride.
I studied the handle, cast in the most intricate designs, and embellished either side with an emerald of exquisite size and clarity.

But what most caught my attention was the blade.
It consisted of a length of what appeared to be stainless steel, but with all the shape and substance of a tongue depressor. "The artwork is phenomenal," I said to him, "but, as a knife, isn't this effort rather pointless?"

[w8idb]

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

[w8idb]

A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...

"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."

[W2LYS]

Two women, both very recently widowed, met in the waiting room of the local funeral parlor.

Both were very sad, and they were of quite different ages, but they got to talking anyway.

The young one was bemoaning the fact that her husband had never decided exactly what he wanted to do with his life.

The older one sighed and said, "It doesn't matter now, dear. Why, I've been widowed four times. Each of my husbands did something different. Just so long as they were happy, I always say."

Her young companion looked awed.

"Four husbands?" she asked in disbelief. "And they all had different jobs?"

"Yes, indeed," was the rejoinder. "And they were all so different from one another."

"Really? What were they?"

"Well, first I married a millionaire."

"Then after he died I fell in love with an actor and married him."

"My third husband was an evangelist."

"And the fourth -- well, we're sitting in his former place of business right now. He was a mortician."

Before the young widow could think, she burst out, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

[w8idb]

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village.

As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the town's elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh's cabin.

Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went.

Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!!

And the moral of the story is:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[w8idb]

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

[W2LYS]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore!"

[w8idb]

A frog went to get a loan at a bank.

The loan officer's name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.

He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said "this is what I have for colateral".

She took it to the bank president and said "there's a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel)".

She said "do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan"? The bank president said "why, that's a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan".

[W2LYS]

Ariel was in trouble again. Her sisters were complaining to King
Neptune that she didn't want to dress properly.

Instead of wearing anemones to cover the protruding bits, she would stick long fronds of seaweed in her hair. Obviously these fronds did not always do their job because they tend to move with the flow, and this really annoyed her sisters.

King Neptune, being a strict father, admonished his daughter and insisted she discards the seaweed and wear her anemones like a dutiful daughter should.

"But father," Ariel argued, "with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

[w8idb]

The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.

The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[W2LYS]

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself
large portion of noodles into his bowl then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease - as you might expect from a Jedi Master.

Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."

[w8idb]

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

[w8idb]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[w8idb]

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

[w8idb]

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

[W2LYS]

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bartender here?"

[w8idb]

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So ... the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

[w8idb]

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

[w8idb]

A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

[W2LYS]

I live near a small town and farming community, and the following event happened to a friend of mine, a farmer named Ken Kellog.

Ken raises sheep, and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the pasture at any opportunity. He also has quite a temper (the ram, not Ken).

A bunch of ravens had their nests near by -- about twenty ravens in all. Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc.

Anyways, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They'd fly down into the field and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they'd all fly upward, and the ram would crash into the fence.

Once, though, one of the ravens didn't get out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fencepost.

The others decided to get revenge. When Farmer Kellog came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly.

The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the bailing machine, the ram bleating furiously all the way.

At the last moment, the ravens pulled up -- and the ram ran straight into the bailer. He came out the other side in a mangled package.

Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied, leaving the farmer with two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellog's brazen ram.

[w8idb]

He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel. Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Would you believe it, he couldn't find a single phone boot.

[w8idb]

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

[w8idb]

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

[WA5KRP]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin
on his face. "What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You
know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last
night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks,
like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her
free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a
long story short, I scored big time! We made love all
night. We did everything!"


"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was
she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head."

[M3IFK]

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women,
it's usually not good

Happy Friday
http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[WA5KRP]

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping
for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so joyfully, but I thought, what the
heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, and then she told me. "I am pregnant."

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for quite a while, so I grabbed her and
kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

Puzzled I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have
TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her
how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack
home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

[WA5KRP]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "What a sissy."

[w8idb]

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique
Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any
idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating
anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

[WA5KRP]

Making the rounds again:

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
- (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Blue water Navy truism

There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
(From an old carrier sailor)

When one engine fails on a twin-engine aircraft you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the Air Force would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.

(Jon McBride, astronaut)



If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.

Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.

Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

[Attributed to Ray Crandell Lockheed Test Pilot]

[WA5KRP]

Genius Burglars (http://downloads.eonstreams.com/ccri/tn_memphis/dvby83dvby3g93evb78/badburglars.wmv)
826kb wmv file

[kd5rpo]

Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ Aug. 24 2005,08:48)]Genius Burglars (http://downloads.eonstreams.com/ccri/tn_memphis/dvby83dvby3g93evb78/badburglars.wmv)
826kb wmv file
Kharma exists!

[WA5KRP]

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."

[g1abw]

Snappy answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub’.

Snappy answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied ‘No ma’am, they’re dead’.

Snappy answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day’ the cop said. The kid replied ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could’. When the cop stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy answer #4

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads ‘Low Bridge Ahead’. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says ‘ Got stuck, huh?’ The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas’.

Snappy answer #5

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said ‘I have to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS’. The agent replied ‘I’m sorry Sir, I’ll be happy to try to help you but I’ve got to help these folks first and I am sure we will be able to work something out. The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear ‘DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?’ Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. ‘May I have your attention, please’ she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. ‘We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14’. With the folks behind him laughing hysterically the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore ‘F*** YOU!’ Without flinching, she smiled and said ‘I’m sorry Sir but you’ll have to get in line for that too’.

And he very best Snappy answer

Snappy answer #6

THE TEACHER

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness or a death in your immediate family but that’s it, no other excuses, whatsoever’. A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and s######ing. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand’

[WA5KRP]

This is so stupid it's FUNNY:


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months! ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

[n0ov]

A dedicated union steel worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels.# When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"# No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."# "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"# "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.#
#
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.# His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"# The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." That's more lik e it!" the union man said.# He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her," he said.# "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.# Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she's next."

[W2LYS]

Anaheim Mighty Duck super star, Teemu Selanne, had never had his father see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have his father visit him recently to watch him play.

In honor of the occasion, his good friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the renowned local Scandinavian restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef, Anders Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne’s favorite Finnish dishes. In addition to the entire Mighty Ducks team and staff, Disney and Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being picked up by the Duck goalie. It was a huge success.

The Orange County Register reported the next day that it was certainly a dinner worthy of the father, the son and the goalie host.

[KF0RT]

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on.

In the driver’s seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as unusual, the officer walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on the glass, asking the man his name and what exactly he was doing.

The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “My name is John and that’s my girlfriend in the back seat.”

“OK, so what are you doing?” asked the officer.

“What does it look like?” John answered. “I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, “And what’s she doing?”

John looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting, sir.”

“And how old are you?” the officer asked John.

“I’m 25,” John replied.

“And how old is she?” asked the officer.

John looked at his watch and said, “Well sir, in 12 minutes she’ll be 18.”

[WA5KRP]

A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man
fixing to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and throw your Yankee ass off. Happy landings!"


(ROUGH CROWD!)

[WA5KRP]

This email came all capped and I'm too lazy to retype it.



A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, and I quote, I'M BLONDE, "I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, and I quote, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE'S A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, OH, I'M SORRY AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON".

[WA5KRP]

This guy walks into a bar and sits down in front
of the bartender. He orders a drink. While waiting
for the drink, he reaches into one pocket and pulls
out a 7 inch piano. He reaches into another pocket
and pulls out a 10 inch man. The 10 inch man goes
up to the piano