JOKE THREAD REDUX

[KD7WHQ]

FE, if only it could come to pass...

[W2LYS]

At a party in the Hamptons one weekend, given by the producer of a large Network News show, one of the most famous on-camera personalities got something wedged in her "camera teeth". Being properly demure, she found
her way to an upstairs bathroom, removed them, and cleaned the offending "bit". Unfortunately, in re-inserting them, she slipped on the tile floor and the teeth went out the window, clattered down the slate roof from the
dormer, and lodged themselves in the gutter.

Most embarrassed, she went outside and explained to her host what had happened and asked if he had a ladder available...

"No need, ma'am, I've been experimenting with psychokinesis." And, sure enough, he faced the roof, closed his eyes and the teeth rose up from the
gutter, flew across the intervening space, and landed in his hand.

A few minutes later a hubbub arose when the neighbor's kitten Amy climbed the tree and immediately got stuck. Amidst shouts of "Call the Fire Department!" and "Call the SPCA", the producer said calmly,

"Not necessary. Like the bridge of our Barbara Walters, I will Amy down."

[ai4ep]

This ambitious blonde woman was always trying to out-do her other blonde friends...one mentioned she MIGHT get a pair of ALLIGATOR shoes, so this young lady said " I will have a pair of alligator shoes before she does ".

Went to Florida, to all the shoe stores, but was outraged at the prices. She went to a gun store and bought a shotgun, and headed for the swamp, determined to get herself a pair of alligator shoes. One of the salesmen from the shoe stores saw her, knee deep in the edges of a swamp near his road home. He knew the area was rampant with alligators. As he got out of the car, he heard the shotgun go off "blam " . The blonde dragged the dead alligator up on the bank alongside 6 - 7 other dead gators. and as she flipped the gator over on his back , he heard her scream " drats, another barefooted one " !!

[KF4OZH]

You Might be a Redneck if.................

- Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

- Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

- You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

- You have a relative living in your garage.

- Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

- There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

- You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

- None of the tires on your pick up truck are the same size.

- You hold the hood of your pick up truck with your head while you work on it.

- Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

- Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

- Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

- Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

- You've slow danced in the Waffle House.

- Starting your truck involves popping the hood.

- Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

- You whistle at women in church.

- You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

- You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

- You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach
the
kids in the backseat.

- You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.

[K6UEY]

Do you know why Females fart less than males?

They never close their mouth long enough for the pressure to build!! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[N1MLF]

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to
the pump...

Compared with Gasoline

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........ $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ...... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ..... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 . .. $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49...........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for
WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (BTW...Evian
spelled backwards is Naive.)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope,
or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismal or Nyquil.

[ki4eyo]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there." "Ewwww! But what about the smell?" enquired the woman To which the man replied, "Just hold its nose. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[KF4OZH]

The Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket."

"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change,and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing."

"When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[WA5KRP]

A beautiful actress’ long-time agent discovered one day that she’d been selling her body for a thousand dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client, hadn’t dreamed that she had been so readily available. He approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date. She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars, just like the rest of her clients. Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he reluctantly agreed, then added, "But don’t I even get my agent’s ten percent as a discount?"

"No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it."

Her agent wasn’t all that happy with her attitude, but lust won out and he agreed.

When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into the bedroom and made wildly passionate love to her. After the hot and heavy encounter he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.

Around midnight her aroused bedmate awakened her and they engaged in another steamy bout of sex. Towards one a.m. she was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and, by now highly impressed at her partner’s virility, she whispered in the darkness, "My God, you’re a stud! I had no idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent."

"I’m not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "He’s at the door selling tickets."

[KW4MW]

Edit: In retrospect the 'joke' that I posted smacked of religious insensitivity so I'm deleting it.

Apologies to those that already saw it.

[w8idb]

Undertakers, Mal and Mel, were storing embalming fluid one evening...

It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight.

Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion
left for Mal to take care of.

When the boss came in and asked why he had not just stored it all,
Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide."

[w8idb]

A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting
in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her
long-suffering husband for marital support.
The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the
judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a
jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes.
Let us suppose that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
The woman agreed. "Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet , addressing the judge,
"Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"Well," said his honor, this is somewhat unusual but
I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."
The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward,
he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas, your honor."

[WA5KRP]

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.
My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"

[W2LYS]

A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "without
you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one
very obedient little girl (who was listening
carefully for a change!) leaned over to her
mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is BUTT dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

[W2LYS]

A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son. As the proud father was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and
sickly looking by comparison.

Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a moment.

"What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He seems awfully puny and underweight."

"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the nurse, "and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."

"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.

"What's that?" asked the nurse.

Replied the man with a smile, "Spare the rod and spoil the child."

[K7FE]

Going to Die

At the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned his patient into his office with a grave look on his face. "I hate to be the one
to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you have only six months to live."

"Oh, my gosh," gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in, he said, "Listen, Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"

"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.

Fred explained that he'd been! a bachelor all his life.

"You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed.

"After all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."

"That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred. "And with only six months to live I'd better make the most of my time."

"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded,
he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."

"A Jewish girl, how come?"

"It'll seem longer."


HAPPY PASSOVER

[WA5KRP]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[K7FE]

Understanding Engineers #

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog
called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay
with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled
at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do
ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and
put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay
with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't
have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now
that's cool."

[W2LYS]

There was a group of college professors who liked to go around discounting established theories.

"The earth is flat!" said one.

"Elvis is not dead!" said another.

"Pi is greater than four!"

"War would not exist if we would just eat right!"

When the president of their university was asked why he kept renewing their tenure, he replied, "They may cost a lot, but I just love academia nuts."

[WA5KRP]

An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.

So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."

The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."

[W2LYS]

There was a fellow whose leg joint constantly pained him greatly.

One day he went to the seashore, but simply walking down to the water's edge was a trial for him--every time he bent his leg, he had great pain.

He decided to go for a swim, but he was still in pain and cried out, "I wish I didn't have this bad joint!"

His wish was granted in a way he couldn't have envisioned--and wouldn't have wished for. A shark came along and snapped off his leg at mid-thigh.

As the offending limb, rejected by the shark, began floating away from the man, he looked at it and, incredibly enough, began singing.

What was the song?

"My bum knee lies over the ocean."

[K7FE]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
"Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare. Eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy named Jack from Carmichael Saskatchewan stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time.

No one moves.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...

He whispers...."Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

[W2LYS]

A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.

"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

"Im sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."

A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"

Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."

When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

[W2LYS]

The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that promises to revolutionize the sport.

The new device that is receiving so much attention is called the "bee nut". It is a fastening attachment that allows a player to adjust the head on their club to any angle, thus saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs. Thus, for example, a player can use the same club to putt with as they used to get out of the sand trap.

Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly, and players everywhere are taking golfing picnics, so they can try their new "bee-nut putter sand-wedge".

[W2LYS]

Clark and Lois had been going out,
unofficially, for a number of years
by now.

Walking home from the theater one
night, they were passing the graveyard.
Lois, still looking for a bit more in
their relationship beyond a mere good-
night peck on the cheek, struck a
suggestive pose and proposed that they
go snuggle on the steps of one of the
mausoleums.

Clark, ever fearful of Lois, thought
quickly. "No, Lois, we can't go in
there. I'm afraid of the crypt tonight."

[W2LYS]

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters.

Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

[WA5KRP]

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. "You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"

[KW4MW]

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at #a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I #thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no #comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet #so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was #wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He #said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept #driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love #you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do #with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and #absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed #and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still #felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided #that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the #situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too #fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are #with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for sh**.

Got laid though.

[WA5KRP]

I know I'm NEVER going to understand wimmen. How can they take boiling hot wax, pour it onto their upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider?

[WA5KRP]

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold", the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to b e one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[n0ov]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down the Interstate highway. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he Tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

[WA5KRP]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but got no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder--still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?!"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...

"We're down here."

[W2ILP]

There is another joke thread here on QRZ called: -
Are we losing our sense of humor? If you haven't read it maybe you might want to check it out.
The many jokes on this joke thread may prove that we are not all losing our sense of humor or at least not giving up on trying to get some readers and monitors to laugh.

In one of my posts on the other thread I explained about the different things that social psycholosts say make us laugh. This can form a technical basis for making up your own original jokes...all of which are directly or indirectly based on the superiority-inferiority theory.
Most of the jokes on this thread are probably not original.
Some of my own jokes are original, some I admit are just repeats or spins of jokes I heard or read elsewhere.
Unless a joke is copied from someone like Jean Shepherd, who was a ham, it is more likely that any jokes about ham radio are probably more likely to be original than jokes about talking horses, dead donkeys or lethal golf balls. This is because most jokes were originally written for mixed general audiences, where there is not likely to be any amateur radio operators to "get" jokes about antenna erectors, brass pounders or half dead dual triodes that could only flop in flip flop circuits.

We have to take care not to offend foreign hams who might be reading our jokes. We can't go on making fun of their cars, or their wash closets (WCs). Hams are supposed to generate international good will. They are not supposed to emphasize the querks in the evolution of technology, that are based on continental isolation.

I once had to drive a guy home from work because he hurt his ankle while playing frisbee during lunch break. I got a chance to drive his British Tryumph. It was a mini sports car, which he loved so much that he would not leave it alone in a repair shop, but would take off from work when the car was due for an oil change, so he could watch. He would not take time off when his XYL delivered his child but his car had priority.. He bragged about its "precision" stearing. When I got the chance to drive the car I found that it had a very tight but small stearing ratio. As I like to specify things so an engineer might understand them: - It was not so much in the way of precision as it was in sensitivity that the mini-car exceeded sane sedans. The car's stearing was so sensitive that a guy with slightly shakey hands could unintentionally drive sine waves over the white lines on the roads! Oh well, maybe drivers of small sports cars want them to be very responsive...like nymphomaniacs. This it probably what is supposed to make sports cars sexy. Enuf sed.

In our world of ham radio there are probably some hams who love their radios as much as some fanatics love their cars or boaters love their yachts. Some people refer to their cars or boats by using the humanoid pronoun "she". I kind of suspect the hams who sit alone at their rigs and say to some DX station,
"We are glad to have met you. Can you send us a QSL so we can see what cards from Outer Ulna Bator look like?"
Notice the "we" and "us"! They think that they really speak for their rigs and themself so they make the use of plural pronouns.
Well...In my opinion talking transceivers are funnier than talking horses, donkeys, rabbits or mice. Thus the "on the air" talking, that many hams do, can be funny even when they don't try to show that they have a sense of humor.
I don't deal in fantasys. I realize that even if our transceivers could talk, I wouldn't understand them as they would be speaking in Japanese.

As the Lone Ranger said to Tonto "We must start shooting the Indians before they completely surround us." and Tonto replied,
"Who is 'Us' Kimo-sabe?"

When I talk on the air or chat through my PC I am speaking only for myself...I don't care what may be stored in any microprocessor memories or defaulted on hard drives. I consider all hardware to be dead and non personafied and all software and bios to be unconcerned about the complex nature of my chats or QSOs.

Bob w2ilp (Inhibit Loving Pronouns?)

[W2LYS]

Pete owned a lumber mill. But he was of an inquisitive mind, always tinkering, and one day he discovered a way to turn the sawdust from his lumber mill into candy. Though the candy soon became popular, the cost of producing it was such that, in order to sell it at an affordable price, the net profit was virtually nil...hardly worth continuing with the production.

Yet Pete persevered.

"Why do you bother?" a friend asked. "Are you that fond of the candy yourself?"

"Not really," Pete replied. "I haven't much of a sweet tooth."

"Is it for the sake of the kids, then? You never had kids yourself. I didn't think you cared that much about them."

"You're right," Pete concurred.

"Well then...why? Why do you bother?" the friend repeated his initial question.

"I thought you knew," Pete replied. "I always had a strong desire to make mill yums."

[K7FE]

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joey Shasta, retired pilot, of Pittsburgh PA." #

#Saint Peter consults his list. #He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. #

#Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." #

#Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." #

#"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
#
#"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."

[KW4MW]

ELECTRICITY

Today's scientific question is: #What in the world is
electricity? #And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an
electrical lesson: #

On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. #Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? #This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.

It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. #When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons," which
are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. #The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: #If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! #But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. #Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. #This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." #Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical #terminology: #Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. #Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. #Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. #Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond -- almost.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was #Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. #Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousand of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company.

Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: #the electric company sends electricity
through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) #sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. #In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity.

For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball"

[W2LYS]

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

[W2LYS]

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague, The Netherlands. As a young man, Hans aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII, spending two years copiloting Lend-Lease B-17's until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, Hans became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. Father Grapje gradually rose through the stations of the Church to become a Bishop and eventually an Archbishop.

In 1997, Archbishop Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

His long and selfless service resulted in elevation to Cardinal in 2001.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agreed: he would never ascend to the Papacy. And for good reason ...

No one wanted a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

[WA5KRP]

The Chicken, the Horse and the Harley


On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

[w8idb]

Remember the Alamo?
It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the
whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line.
She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to
be removed from the front line.

After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband,
and sued for Alamo knee.

[KW4MW]

As is the case with Rodney Dangerfield, computer savants don't get no respect. Personally, we can only bemoan this tragic situation, but sometimes it is deserved when computer nerds get out of their specific areas of expertise. A recent example occurred in a local unnamed college computer department.

One of the department members wanted to place a large graphic into a color presentation. The picture was very large and there was some question as to whether it should be imported as a PICT, as a TIFF, or in the graphics interchange format. The so-called expert suggested that the latter was most appropriate and made the conversion. The trouble came when importation of this file was attempted. The file size was over 100 mbytes, and it blew the computer out of the water. In fact, the resulting problems did not go away until the operating system was re-installed.

There is an obvious moral to this tale of woe: beware of geeks bearing GIFs.

[KW4MW]

Well, in the country you get to know an area pretty well after you live there a while. Newcomers always buy maps but you don't really need a map after a couple of years, just an idea of a couple of main roads and a good sense of direction.

Even among the old-timers there's always the one who's the old-timer, who speaks seldom, but always with finality. In the particular town we're concerned with, his name was Heehoo. And, he was known for several counties as the man who always knew where he was. He didn't understand how anybody could get so far into the sticks they didn't know where they were. It wasn't that he could take a sun angle or judge the time by the stars... it was just that inner compass some country boys have.

Well one day he sent a young fella, his cousin Myron Tates' son Hezekiah, down the road a piece to his house to fetch back a pig he'd just sold the butcher. He rattled off a string of directions, but the Tates boy was one of these "Generation X" folk, had a whole load of fancy gadgets, and he was too busy figurin' the directions to be payin' attention to what they were. Well after a minute he grinned and said, "You watch Heehoo. When I get back I'll show you how to get from here to your house in half the time." Heehoo just snorted and waved him on.

Well what young Hezekiah hadn't accounted for was all the fancy maps in his whizbang gadgets were fifty years out of date. And as he got further along what was marked as a logging road, the less road and the more log there tended to be. Finally he got to a point where he thought he could make out the road, then he wasn't sure, and about five minutes after that he quit kidding himself. Fortunately his cellular phone still worked out here, so he called the general store Heehoo was chewing the fat in front of. And, as you might expect, the proprietor lost no time in passing on the news:

"Heehoo! Hezzie Tates is lost!"

[KW4MW]

On a recent business trip to London I got lost between the Royal Courts of Justice and Chancery Lane (as one does) and was surprised to find myself in an area apparently called "Soho".

A charming young man saw that I was at a loss, if not a loose end, and suggested that I might enjoy "The experience of a lifetime" for a mere pittance. I paid him and he directed me to a narrow corridor leading into a rather tall building.

At the end of the corridor a doorman sat at a desk. "Are you here for the experience?" he asked.

"Indeed I am" I replied.

He pointed me towards the lift doors.

He said "Try floors 2, 4, or 6. Don't go onto 1, 3 or 5 which are for private parties."

Curiosity driving me on, I went immediately to the sixth floor and arrived in a plush yet tasteful bar where the most beautiful topless waitresses plied me with drink whilst I watched a most unusual and inventive cabaret involving several naked women and a large collection of household objects. It was, I must admit, a most stimulating experience.

At the end of the show I returned to the lift and went down to the fourth floor.

There I was welcomed by a young lady of most pleasing appearance who took me into small room and gave me an extremely soothing massage which I found surprisingly satisfying.

Relaxed and yet at the same time invigorated, and now bursting with curiosity as to what the rest of the building might contain, I made my way back to the lift.

Despite the doorman's warning, I could not resist finding out what I might have missed on the floor between the two I had visited and selected the fifth button on the lift panel.

Initially the floor appeared completely empty. A vast expanse of bare concrete without even the benefit of electric light.

A curious snuffling noise caught my attention, and as I turned to face the apparent source of it I was set upon by a pack of alsatians. I barely made back into the lift without serious injury and was appalled to find that the arms and legs of my suit were in tatters.

Somewhat distressed by this narrow escape, I took the lift to the second floor where I was delighted to be welcomed by a group of the most attractive girls I have ever seen from all races and creeds.

They made no comment as to my dishevelled experience, and led me into a room filled with cushions, soft music and sweetest of scents. All I can say of that which transpired there is that it was, indeed, the experience of a lifetime and a memory I will treasure for ever.

Unfortunately, curiosity go the better of me again and I could not resist looking in on the third floor.

The second I stepped out of the lift I was set upon by a pack of St. Bernards which severely savaged my arms and legs. Torn and bleeding I staggered back into the lift.

I have to confess that even then I could not resist the temptation to see what the first floor might hold.

It held the greatest horror of all. Attacked by a pack of rabid Afghan Hounds, I found myself held in the jaws of four of them by the wrists and ankles whilst the rest assaulted me endlessly.

As they left me, each satisfied animal cocked its leg and urinated on my supine form.

Then they threw me bodily back into the lift.

I all but fell out of the lift on the ground floor. With a single glance, the doorman took in my torn and tattered clothing, my bloodied arms and legs, my pronounced limp, and the putrid liquid in which I was soaked.

Without a change of expression he remarked, "I told you to stay away from the shaggy dog stories."

[n0jaa]

Don't read this if you're lysdexic -- I mean dyslexic!

The Story of Rindercella -- as told by Archie Campbell

Once apon a time, in a coreign fountry, there lived a very geautiful birl; her name was Rindercella. Now, Rindercella lived with her mugly other and her two sad bisters. And in this same coreign fountry, there was a very prandsom hince.

And this prandsom hince was going to have a bancy fall. And he'd invited people from riles amound, especially the pich reople. Rindercella's mugly other and her two sad blisters went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall, but Rindercella could not go because all she had to wear were some old rirty dags. Finally, the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn't go. So she just cat down and scried. She was a kitten there a scrien, when all at once there appeard before her, her gairy fodmother. And he touched her with his wagic mand ... and there appeared before her, a cig boach and hix white sorces to take her to the bancy fall. But now she said to Rindercella, "Rindercella, you must be home before nidmight, or I'll purn you into a tumpkin!"

When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, the prandsom hince met her at the door because he had been watchin' behind a woden hindow. And Rindercella and the prandsom hince nanced all dight until nidmight...and they lell in fove. And finally, the mid clock strucknight. And Rindercella staced down the rairs, and just as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper!

The next day, the prandsom hince went all over the coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. Finally he came to Rindercella's house. He tried it on Rendercella's mugly other ... and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on her two sigly usters ... and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on Rindercella ... and it fid dit. It was exactly the sight rize!

So they were married and lived heverly ever hapwards. Now, the storal of the mory is this: If you ever go to a bancy fall and want to have a pransom hince loll in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper!






http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[WA5KRP]

Joan, a rather spectacularly proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all
of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her
hotel.

It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck"
which received the sun all day long.

She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she
decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of
it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she
heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn't
have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she
just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind
you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a
bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been
following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no
one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor
andI'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except
for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

[WA5KRP]

There was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting on a deck at a nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

[W2LYS]

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Dan, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Dan is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Dan," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years…. Dan, you have to do me this one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Dan looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I will do for you." And shortly after that, Dan passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Wha….Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's me, Dan."

"Aw come on. You're not Dan. Dan just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Dan!"

"Dan? Is that really you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Dan, " and I've got to tell you something. I've got really good news for you… and a little bad news too."

"So,ok, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Dan "is that there is baseball in heaven! Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there! Better yet, we're all young men and healthy again! Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows! And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That’s fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"

[w6ez]

Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "son...what happened last night?"

" Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

" So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

[W2LYS]

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.

Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.

There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.

Now obviously, the security of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So he has to be constantly ready and on the alert to be able to do his job.

And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

[W2LYS]

It seems like lately we are always having to wait on my daughter.

This morning was no exception as my sons and I sat waiting in the car while she was finishing her morning routine prior to leaving for school.

As she got in the car I said to her, "Alexa, it seems like we are always having to wait on you."

And she replied "Yeah, because I take my time."

And I retorted, "Yeah and everyone else's with it!"

It seems like my family is made up of two sons and a darling dawdler.

[WA5KRP]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

[KG6YTZ]

"How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?" #--- A Prairie Home Companion annual joke show

How many NCT's does it take to change a light bulb? #Five. #Three to ask incredibly basic questions about how to do it and two to try to look it up somewhere.

How many Extras does it take to change a light bulb? #Only one, but why stick a new one in there when you can just open up the old one and fix it? #What, you're an Extra and you don't know how to fix it? #Why, in MY day, we had to KNOW that stuff! #Goldangit, I swear this hobby is going down the toilet.

I'M JOKING! #IT'S A JOKE THREAD! http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif #And I'm an NCT myself. #No insult intended to anyone, I swear.

[W2LYS]

Every weekend, four lawyers from a law firm played a round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round and the guys were quite impressed. Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week, she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her left-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week, they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.

Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth.

Then, when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

[KF0RT]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,taking her faithful Aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one ! delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

~ ~ ~ Don't mess with old people ...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! And B. S. and brilliance only come with age and experience!

[W2LYS]

Ranch furnishing in the sage brush country is informal and haphazard. For instance, picture a kitchen with a wood range for cooking and as well, there is a second, older stove, rusting and decrepit, no longer useful except as a table. On top of it sits a squat ice refrigerator to keep the ranch fruit and milk cool during the hot summer. It also holds some beer.

Got the scene? The door opens and in comes Cactus, one of the hands. He reaches into the old refrigerator for a beer, holds it down on the top to uncap it, the froth bubbles up and flows down the cold bottle and from there it drips on to the old stove.

Thus there will be ... foam on the range where the beer and the cantaloupe stay....

[WA5KRP]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

[WA5KRP]

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks
into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the
room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them,
she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my
sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawn in
her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she
explains, "it's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church
and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

[W2ILP]

A man was driving in a terrible blizzard when his car broke down in the middle of nowhere. There were no talking horses to tell him if it was a fuel pump problem. #He had no cell phone or ham radio and the gas tank in his car was nearly on empty. #He spied a lone farm house, far up the road from where his car was, and thought that in spite of the snow and cold he would have to get to that farm house for help. #If he could not get to the farmer who lived there he could freeze to death because there was no other way to survive. #When he started on the treck to the distant farm house he was sure to take the jack from his car with him. #As he trudged through the deep snow and bucked the harsh wind, he began to think of all the possibilities and what he might need to survive. He thought about "What Ifs". #What if the farmer who lived up there was afraid of strangers. #What if he had guns or other weapons to protect himself ,as a farmer in this remote area might well have. #What if he refused to help the man and left him to freeze to death?

So the man with the jack hit the farmer over the head with his jack as soon as the farmer opened the farm house door...without knowing anything about the farmer...because just maybe the farmer had weapons...and he killed the farmer in "self defense" for something that he feared the innocent farmer might do. #He did not take into account that the farmer might be friendly and might want to help a stranded motorist in distress...He would not take a chance to see what the farmer would do. #He killed the farmer before he knew anything about the farmer.

This story is not meant to be funny as most of the tales on this thread are....but
it is funny in another sense. #It is funny that humans can fear things that have low probabilities of ever really happening and bomb people who are not responsible for any terrorism themselves just so they can stop a guy like Saddam Husein from getting weapons that he might try to use against them even knowing that they can wipe his whole country out by dropping a WMD on it. #It was not logical to believe that even if Saddam had WMDs he had long range missles that could send launch them to the USA. #Logically Saddam would be nuts to use WMDs on us, even if he did have them, BUT the conceived threat of terrorism from the terrorized is not very logical. #Suicide bombers are not logical. #Unlike Saddam they do not hide in holes. #Hiding in a hole is the result of a logical fear. # We assumed that Saddam was a mad agressor not the scared coward that he really was. We freed Iraq from Saddam but not from terrorism.

The threat of terrorism from terrorists will remain, until all parties do not use the fear of terrorism to terrorize their opponents. #FDR said at the onset of WW2 that we had nothing to fear but fear itself. #Today we fight with a faceless enemy, whose flag is unkown and irrevelent, for we are fighting a "war against terror" by terrorizing others who may not be as crazy as the real potential terrorists. #There is a logical way to fight; by first recognizing our unsubstantiated fears and controlling them... but how can we continue fighting or ever end fighting if we are fighting terrorism from unknown enemies who may live in the farm house up the road or anywhere our fears turn?

Ha ha! #Its a joke??? or is it???

w2ilp (Iraqi Launched Paranoia)

[WA5KRP]

Quote[/b] (W2ILP @ May 14 2005,21:04)]Ha ha! #Its a joke??? or is it???
ILP,


For someone who makes such an effort to come across as intelligent (and I think you are), I'm amazed at your lack of understanding of what the hell a JOKE THREAD is about.

Congratulations on your monstrous non-sequitur.



WA5KRP http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/cwm/3dlil/nonono2.gif
Texas

[W2ILP]

A teacher asked this question in Sunday school:-
"Who wrote the Ten Commandments?"
She asked several students and none of them knew the answer.
Finally she asked Little Johnney.
"Who wrote the Ten Commandments?"
Johnney thought for a while and then answreed:-
"I dunno teacher but it was directed by Cescil B. DeMille"

w2ilp (Inspiring Liturgical Pictures)

[W2ILP]

The below is not necessarily a joke.

5krp:

I'm sorry for the post about paranoia that was inappropriately posted here. I respect your point of view. I hijacked this thread with the car jack story for a reason. The post was long and who would bother to read it if they didn't think they could get a laugh out of it? I could have started a thread called "You're all a bunch of paranoids"...but I didn't.
This kind of trick is used all the time to advertise. There are humorless banners for ham gear here. Sometrimes we have to take the ads along with the jokes..It is part of the American way.

Somehow I couldn't think of a funny punch line to end the jack of man's destruction story..because it is sad in more ways than one.

You critique is well taken here. I won't do it again without a disclaimer at the top.

Sometimes Jokes can get us in trouble. When I was in the Army I tried to tell a joke. I said that the definition of a southern virgin was a girl who could run faster than her brother. Before I could get the last word out a guy from Georgia wrestled me to the ground and began to punch me. I quickly said "If you believe that is true then it wouldn't be funny and I wouldn't have said it." The guy got up off of me and scratched his head. He was confused by my logic. We later became friends. It is a good thing that I laughed at my joke even when getting punched...and I came up with a punch line that saved me. After all how could I have known much about southern virgins? I never met one. Assuming that there were no slow running southern virgins was just as bad as assuming that Saddam was ready to send WMDs to the USA.

73,
w2ilp (Inverting Logical Punchlines)

[KG6YTZ]

Quote[/b] (W2ILP @ May 15 2005,21:46)]w2ilp (Inspiring Liturgical Pictures)
Infinite Loony Phonetics? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[W2ILP]

The below post is not necessarily funny.

kg6ytz:

I had already used (Infinite Loony Phonetics) in a post on another thread. Please pay attention.

73,
w2ilp (Induring Latent Plagerism?)

[WA5KRP]

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French whorehouse!"

Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you can put the aftershave on me.....my wife has never been in a French whorehouse."

[WA5KRP]

Teacher to class: "Give me a good example of an oxymoron."

Kid in back row: "A well adjusted transvestite."

[W2LYS]

Lou Alcinder was probably the greatest college basketball player of all time leading UCLA to three NCAA championships. After graduating, he changed his name to Kareem Abdul Jabbar in recognition of his Moslem faith. He led the Milwaukee Bucks and later the Los Angeles Lakers to NBA championships. Along with Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain, he is still considered one of the three best centers ever to play in the NBA. After finishing his basketball career, he became an actor and is probably best remembered as the co-pilot in the farce "Airplane."

Even in college, he was fascinated by modern biological science and took part in an experiment where cells were removed from his mouth, cultured and frozen where they will be kept until science is advanced enough to clone humans. He has been promised that his cells will be the first used. Because of this the project at UCLA has always been known as Iced Kareem Clone.

[WA5KRP]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious."I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

[W2LYS]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing… "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[W2LYS]

Hyperbaric chambers have been in the news lately because they were made available to treat decompression injury in the recently-rescued coal
miners. More traditionally, we see them used for the prevention of the "bends" in deep sea divers who have to return to the surface too quickly.

Recently certain companies have found that hyperbaric chambers are useful in determining the professional qualifications of potential CEOs. The process is to put them in the chamber with the interior inflated to
several atmospheres. The next step is to instruct each one to attach a belt around the waist.

Contrary to what you might expect, the people that can do it are disqualified for service. Companies don't want to hire leaders who are likely to buckle under pressure.

[WA5KRP]

Andy Reid had put together the perfect Eagles team, missing only a stud quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer to guarantee a Super Bowl win.
One night he was watching a war-zone scene in Iraq on TV. In the background of one shot, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another grenade 75 yards, pitching it right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another into a car passing at 90 mph. BULL'S-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Reid shouted. "He's got the perfect arm!" He finds him and brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. The Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Iraqi is hailed as a great hero, and when Reid asks him what he wants, he says he wants to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman snaps. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"You don't understand, Mother," the QB pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. The elections are a joke, your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, then tearfully adds, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!"

[W2LYS]

He needed a box of chalks to complete his sidewalk art - a rendering of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. He'd run plum out of his favorite purplish-red color, and now was haggling with the art-shop clerk.

"I know its $8 a box, but I only have $2 right now. Let me give you the two bucks, and I'll bring you the other six when I've finished the piece."

The clerk examined the eight dollar price tag, then examined the earnest young man before him.

The artist, seeing his pleas had fallen on wary ears, said, "I know, I know. Talk is cheap."

"No, sir," came the reply. "Chalk is steep."

[n0ov]

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . . "Poupon."

[W2LYS]

Back in the middle ages, there was a traveling show which traveled throughout Europe. It was famous across the whole continent for it's fabulous and death-defying shows.

The show was named "The Show of Tension", because of the daring nature of most of the stunts, and thus the performers and other staff associated with the show gained the nickname "Tensions".

Sadly, the shows didn't survive the poverty that swept Europe in the middle ages. As people got poorer, they couldn't afford to spend money on frivolous things like a traveling show.

And thus was born the expression "unable to pay a tension"...

[W2ILP]

Isaac Asimov told this joke in his biography.

When he was going to school, like many of us, his class had to read the poem by Leigh Hunt called "Abbu Ben Adam".
The poem which I don't remember in its entirety, tells how one night Abbu Ben Addam dreamed that he saw an angel writing in a book of gold. Abbu asked what she was writting. The angel said that she was writing the names of all those who God loved. Abbu said he didn't think much about God but he loved his fellow men. Abbu later got a chance to see the angel's book and his name was in it, and it led all the rest.

Now you have to understand that Asimov was a wise guy even when he was a kid.

The teacher asked "Why did Abbu's name lead all the rest?"

Isaac replied "Alphabetical order?"


w2ilp (Intelligent Logical Probability?)

[WA5KRP]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

[WA5KRP]

George returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. #Given this prognosis, George asks his wife for sex. #Naturally, she agrees and they make love. #

About six hours later the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. #Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. #He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die?"

She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. #After this session the wife rolls over and falls asleep. #George, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours. #He taps his wife who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. #Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen George. #I have to #get up in the morning....you don't."

[W2LYS]

So Noah is waiting by his ark. Waiting for all the animals that God has promised will squeeze into the boat that he's built.

And then he sees them. Great numbers of beasts all converging on where he's standing. So he lowers the gang-plank, and watches as the animals start filing on board, two-by-two.

And as they go into the ship, Noah can be heard passing comments on each animal that goes by - "Hmmm... two horses," he says, "they don't taste very nice, but they're edible," and "Ooh! Two sheep. I love roast lamb".

And so it goes on, for each pair of animals, Noah counts going on board, he says something about what they're like to eat. Eventually Noah's son can stand it no longer, and he goes to his mother to ask why.

She answers: "Well, there's Noah counting for taste."

To which the son replies: "Now I've herd everything."

[WA5KRP]

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

[W2LYS]

TO GOD - FROM THE DOG:
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'... neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally; my last question . . .

Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?

[KI4ENY]

Funny http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[W2LYS]

In the early 1900s, the president of America went to visit Russia. Of course, Russia was still ruled by the Czar back then, and the American President was warmly welcomed by the whole Russian royal household.

As the two leaders and their entourages were dining one day, in one of the huge dining rooms in the palace, the Americans were telling the Russians about some of the great things in their country. One of the topics of conversaion was the Grand Canyon in Colorado. Of course, the American were quite boastful about this being the largest canyon in the world, when suddenly, from the head of the table, the Czar stood up,and made an announcement.

"In Russia," he said, "we have a canyon even bigger than your Grand Canyon!"

Now no-one was going to stand up and contradict the Czar, but of course no-one believed him either.

Finally, the American president stood up, and said "Okay. Let's see this canyon then."

So an expedition was organised. Of course, their destination was way out in the remote wilderness, and they only had horses to travel with, so the going was slow. But eventually, after several weeks gruelling journey, they finally arrived at where the canyon was supposed to be.

But there wasn't one. Not even a little one.

And then it dawned on everyone - he had been using Czar chasm to make them look stupid.

[W2ILP]

Before Iran was run by a Kookamani, the leader of Iran was the Shar. Like our president, the Shar had a cabinate. His secretary of the treasury was the Shan, and his secretary of defense was the Shanuzzle. The Shan was known to suffer from epelictic fits. Thus the Shar asked the Shanuzzle to keep an eye on the Shan and protect him from getting destructive.

One day the Shan had a terrible fit. He had it while in the market-place and his out of control spastic jerky actions destroyed every store display and every produce cart in the Muslim merchandice mall.
.
The Shar was angry. He asked the Shanuzzle,

"Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"

w2ilp (Iran's Lost Protector?)

[W2LYS]

Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig. You'd never know if you weren't told - it's a perfect fit. Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out, and he decided to have a little practical joke. So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons and manages to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber, whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape.

Well, of course the Devil was most displeased by this, and he rounds up his demons, and demands to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them. Naturally, none of them owns up, which makes him even madder: So he calls a general meeting of everyone the underworld: everyone has to attend.

The meeting is held in a huge cavern, and it's absolutely packed (except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit or bottomless fissure in the floor). As Satan steps up to speak, everyone sees that he's got no hair, and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.

The devil bellows at them to be quiet, and a deadly hush falls.

"Whoever stole it," he shouts, "had better return it immediately!" And here he paused for effect...

"Or else there'll be Hell Toupee!"

W2LYS (Lost Young Protaganist?)

[W2LYS]

Back in the roaring twenties, raccoon coats were the rage, especially among the college set in the Ivy League schools. Just any raccoon coat wouldn't do. It had to be a full length duster almost reaching the floor
to really be in style.

John, a young man with a very rich but miserly father who was entering his freshman year at Harvard was surprised to learn when he moved into the dorm that he just couldn't fit in without a raccoon coat. He pleaded
with his father that he just had to have a raccoon coat or would never make it at school.

After several letters back and forth his father agreed to purchase a beautiful coat on one condition. The condition was that the coat must not be damaged in any way during the next four years. If there was any
damage to the coat at all after four years the John would be disinherited and have to go find a job on his own. He would not be allowed to join the father in his very prosperous business.

John quickly agreed to the conditions without thinking of the implications. The father bought the best raccoon coat money could buy, then had several members of his staff count the number of hairs on the coat.

They found there were exactly 1,524,203 hairs. A second group of staff members recounted and confirmed there were 1,524,203 hairs. The coat was then carefully sealed in a package and sent off to Harvard with a note
informing the John of the hair count.

When John received the coat he was overjoyed that his ostracism by his fellow students was soon to end. Then he read the enclosed letter. He showed the coat to all his friends but was afraid to wear it under any
circumstances for fear of damaging it in some manner.

After everyone had seen the coat he resealed it in its box and placed it on the shelf in his closet. He often showed the coat to new friends but could never work up the courage to wear it until his senior year.

Harvard was playing Yale for the conference championship in football. He bought nine tickets to the game, three seats behind his, the seats to either side, and the three seats in front. He was going to be damned
sure no one spilled drink or mustard on his beloved coat.

He didn't enjoy the game at all because of his concern for his coat. Immediately after the game he returned the coat to the closet where it had been for three years after carefully spending several hours recounting the hairs.

All 1,524,203 were intact but after such a tedious job he made a mistake. He didn't reseal the bag in which he had been storing the coat these many years.

During the night a campus moth crawled under the door of the closet, fluttered up onto the box and crawled inside.

He had a feast but being a small moth one hair was all his tiny stomach could hold.

He emerged from the box, fluttered from the closet and flew up onto the light fixture to get warm and have a nap.

The next day the hapless student decided to recheck the hair-count. It took him hours but when finished he knew he was in trouble. There were only 1,524,202 hairs. He wailed in despair at the top of his lungs.

All his fraternity brothers came running into the room expecting the worst. John recounted the whole story about his fathers conditions and his impending fate.

In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened. He listened to the story in amazement. As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad.

Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

[WA5KRP]

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.

"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"

"The same exact thing," the guard answered.

"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"

"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"

[wa4brl]

Quote[/b] ]At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen George. I have to get up in the morning....you don't."

KRP, this reminds me of the perennial favorite:

A man goes the his doctor for a physical. In addition to the usual axam, the Doc draws blood to send out for multiple lab tests. The next day the doctor calls and asks, "I've got good news and bad news -- which do you want first?" The man says, "Gimme the good news first." So the doctor says, "The blood test identifed a rare fatal condition and confirmed you have only 24 hours to live." "Oh my god!", the man cries, "If that's the good news, what could possibly be the bad?" The doctor replied, "I meant to call you yesterday"

[W2LYS]

Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the 10 bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five bad bridesmaids did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery, and his sermons always end on a high note.

Last Sunday the priest ended with...

"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?"

I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!

[N1MLF]

"Have you ever seen a moth bawl?"

Mannn... after a buildup like that..
I nominate LYS for the "groaner of the month" award.
..Good one bud..JW..

[W2LYS]

"Dinah! Where's my bloody bludgeon?"

Oompha was on his way out to the weekly
fights. Man vs. man, man vs. sabre-tooth, and so on. Ugla's Cave put on the bouts every week, and Ugla turned a fair profit selling firewater and souvenir dinosaur teeth.

"I haven't seen your stupid club!" she yelled back. "If you're stuck, take mine!"

Oompha shrugged his shoulders. His wife's was definitely NOT cool with the little flower and baby carvings, but it was time to go.

As he got to the entrance, he found his way blocked.
"Sorry, Oompha, can't let you in."

"Huh?"

"You know we can't accept Dinah's Club."

[W2LYS]

There was a mad scientist who hated to do menial houshold chores. In particular, he hated kitchen related chores such as dishes, putting away groceries, etc. In order to avoid wasting valuable "experiment" time with
these chores, he invented a robot to do them.

The robot, which he named 'George', would spend an hour or two each day cleaning up the kitchen, doing dishes, that sort of thing, then it would go
back to its closet and recharge until the next day. The scientist discovered that it was best for his schedule if the robot did the chores in the morning, so he programmed it for that.

As mad scientists are wont to do, our friend had his whole life on a schedule and that included grocery shopping. Every two weeks, on Monday,
from 9 to 10 AM he would do his shopping, purchasing enough groceries to last for the two weeks until his next trip. Every other Monday, at 10 AM, he would return home and put his groceries away.

This Monday, however, was different. He dropped the sacks into the kitchen, told the robot to put away the groceries, and returned to his work. When he went into the kitchen for lunch, all was as usual; the kitchen was sparkling, the groceries put up.

The scientist was quite proud of his accomplishment until he opened the fridge. Everything in it was wrapped in aluminum foil! He opened the cupboards; again, every grocery item he had just purchased was wrapped in
foil!

The scientist immediately pulled out his programming records for the robot and spent 2 days puzzling over them. He could find no error, no problem, nothing to explain why the robot had wrapped everything in foil.

He decided to try an experiment, so he went a bought a few things from the store and brought them back. He instructed the robot to put them away, and
stayed to watch. The robot performed perfectly, with one exception, it did not cut the larger chunks of meat into smaller chunks and wrap them up for freezing, even though it was programmed to do so.

The scientist bought more groceries and tried several experiments, and it was always the same: If no groceries needed repackaging, the robot did
quite well. If some groceries needed repackaging, but the robot was left alone, it would wrap everything. If the scientist stayed with the robot it would refuse to repackage anything.

After several days of trying to make the perverse hardware perform correctly, the mad scientist was finally forced to admit defeat. However, he never lost his sense of humor, which caused him to remark, . . . "A watched 'bot never foils!"

[WA5KRP]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"



"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"


"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"


"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a little prick like you!"

[W2LYS]

Newsweek magazine published, then later retracted, a story alleging American interrogators had flushed a copy of the Quran down a toilet to soften up prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Sixteen Afghanis consequently died in riots while protesting the defilement of their sacred book. A poll, however, revealed that only 13 percent of Afghanis were outraged by the initial report.

The remaining 87 percent responded, "What's a toilet?"

[WA5KRP]

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smile