JOKE THREAD REDUX

[w8idb]

According to a random poll of Supply Sergeants across
the country: Sailors, Soldiers, and Airmen are
patiently waiting the outcome of the election.

The biggest concern at this time? What brand of
Pickels, Relish, and Ketchup will be served by the
end of the week.

[K7FE]

Subject: How to avoid the flu!


Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits
and veggies.


Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.


Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build
your immune system.


Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the
stairs instead of
the elevator, etc.


Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a
bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.


Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.



Get plenty of rest.


Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you
can.


OR ....


You can take the doctors office approach. Think about
it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol
kills germs. So......
I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in
my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies),
drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell
jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out
(rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol
levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

[W2LYS]

It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on earth. They were the highest social class on their planet (which had a name that was pronounced-as nearly as earthly throats could make the sounds Sortibackenstrete) and were virtually immortal.

Every Foy, of course, came to a voluntary death eventually, and this one had given up because of an ill-starred love affair, if you can call it a love affair where five individuals, in order to reproduce, must
indulge in a yearlong mental contact. Apparently, the Foy had not fit into the contact after several months of trying, and it had broken his heart-or hearts, for he had five.

All Foys had five large hearts and there was speculation that it was this that made them virtually immortal.

Maude Briscoe, earth's most renowned surgeon, wanted those hearts. "It can't be just their number and size, Ray," she said to her chief assistant. "It has to be something physiological or biochemical. I must
have them."

"I don't know if we can manage that," said Ray Johnson. "I've been speaking to him earnestly, trying to overcome the Foy taboo against dismemberment after death. I've had to lie to him, Maude."

"Lie?"

"I told him that after death, there would be a dirge sung for him by the world-famous choir led by Harold J. Gassenbaum. I told him that, by earthly belief, this would mean that his astral essence would be
instantaneously wafted back, through hyperspace, to his home planet of Sortib-what's-it's-name--provided he would sign a release allowing you,
Maude, to have his hearts for scientific investigation."

"Don't tell me he believed that."

"Well, you know this modern attitude about accepting the myths and beliefs of intelligent aliens. It wouldn't have been polite for him not to believe me. Besides, the Foys have a profound admiration for earthly
science and I think this one is a little flattered that we should want his hearts. He promised to consider the suggestion and I hope he decides soon because he can't live more than another, day or so, and we must have his permission by interstellar law, and the hearts must be
fresh-Ah, his signal."

Ray Johnson moved in with smooth and noiseless speed.

"Yes?" he whispered, unobtrusively turning on the holographic recording device in case the Foy wished to grant permission.

The Foy's large, gnarled, rather tree like body lay motionless on the bed. His bulging eyes palpitated-all five of them-as they rose, each on its stalk, and turned toward Ray. The Foy's voice had a strange tone
and the lipless edges of his open round mouth did not move, but the words formed perfectly. His eyes were making the Foyan gestures of assent as he said, ...

"Give my big hearts to Maude, Ray. Dismember me for Harold's choir. Tell all the Foys on Sortibackenstrete that I will soon be there."

[W2LYS]

HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK

When a coworker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to Everyone & you think, "Somebody needs to slap the **** out of her"... You need to pray at work

When someone comes in & announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," & you think, "what the **** do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off & you want to say,"which one of you sons of ****** turned off my computer?" You need to pray at work

When you & a coworker are discussing something & a 3rd person comes in & says, "well at my last office...", & you want to throw a stapler at him...... You need to pray at work

When you hear a coworker call your name & the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the hell does this ***** want now?" & you try to hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work

When you are asked to stay late & help do someone else's work & the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my ***!!"...... You need to pray at work

When you're in the elevator & it stops to pick up someone who stood for 5 minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, & you say "that lazy bastard"..... .You need to pray at work

When you take some vacation time & come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it & you think, "sorry ass m#$^% f%&#s"....... You need to pray at work

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping, or flattening someone's tires that you work with...... You need to pray at work

If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story ........ You need to pray at work

[KF0RT]

Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ Nov. 08 2004,16:03)]HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK
Dunno about you, but I usually pray that the bastard dies a slow and painful death. Never works of course, but it makes me feel better!

73, Rob (KFØRT)

Was the car a GEO Metro? Or, as I call Metro's, Go-Carts.:D

[gw4rcm]

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.
"Yeah, this is my eldest. he's a martyr."
"here's my second second son he's a martyr too." There's a pause...
The second terrorist says wistfully....
"ah they blow up so fast, don't they.
---------------------------------------------------------
Two female terrorists are talking , one say's to the other "does my bomb look big in this dress."

RCM

[KF0RT]

Nah, I'm on the fast track.

Tongue in cheek, take it with a grain of salt. Please. I really wish no harm, but some "shots" are too easy to pass up.

73, Rob (KFØRT)

[K7FE]

Subject: Instructions on how to clean your toilet.


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the
toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a
"power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,

The Dog

[W2LYS]

We have a strange optometrist in our town. While he offers his married patients their chose of contact lens or glasses, he prescribes contact lens exclusively to his single patients. How does he justify this policy?

He doesn't believe in specs before marriage.

[W2LYS]

The newest WAC members went through their physicals step by step. One nurse was assigned to give them their shots, another to measure their height, and another to see what the scale read out. When Ann reached
this last nurse, she was thrilled to learn that the scale claimed she was 10 lbs less than she had thought. Throwing her arms around the nurse, she proclaimed, "You're my new best friend!" New best friend? Ann didn't even know the nurse's name. Some time later, the new recruits were given cardboard coupons good for gratis beers at a local establishment. Ann, who didn't care for beer, returned her coupon to
the deliverer, instructing her to deliver it instead to her "friend" at the scale...whose name she still didn't know. How did Ann phrase her request?

Give my free cards to broad-weigh.

[w8idb]

There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar.
They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees
usually eat.
As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter;
it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fuelling a car,
and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station.
As he passed the second station, he was coughing badly, but still he flew on.
Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him:
"Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low.
You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran
out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't
like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse.
But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline.
You know what they say don't you... "There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"

[KF0RT]

It seems there was an Arabian sheik who wanted to invest some of his wealth in the United States. So he hired a New York attorney named Harry Regardway to handle things for him here. It turned out to be a very successful investment for the sheik, and he decided to remember the attorney in his will. When the sheik died, his heirs found that he had left Harry his harem In his will it said, "Give my broads to Regardway,"

[w8idb]

A compilation of statements from actual high school papers:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a
female moth.

5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name.

6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.

7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.

8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'

9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.

10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his sons head.

11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was
a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they
all shouted 'hurrah.'

12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention
was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir
Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of
his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic
couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.

15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put
tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war
and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13
states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin,
and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of
independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats
backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot
stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half
English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died from this.

18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused
a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin
was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck
by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[W2LYS]

Two college coeds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."

What on earth did she want ?" her friend asked.

"Oh... she just said, "I can't believe I have a person inside me !"

I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"

[w8idb]

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the
receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing
off, when a little old lady came running towards
her screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled,
"I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to
the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the
receptionist. "He's over there," replied the
little old lady, pointing to an apartment building
opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see
a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go
to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you
know he's naked, you can only see him from the
waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady.
"Try standing on the dresser!"

[w8idb]

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the minister replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[kb4fly]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" ask the Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over
-- I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

[kb4fly]

If a Dodge "Stealth" hits a Mitsubishi "Mirage", did the accident happen?

[K7JBQ]

Quote[/b] (kb4fly @ Nov. 15 2004,05:20)]If a Dodge "Stealth" hits a Mitsubishi "Mirage", did the accident happen?
Yep.

I saw it. Didn't hear it, though.

73,
Bill

[W2LYS]

It was a busy morning at the Third
Annual International Clock Convention.

Lunchtime was designated "free time"
and for the most part the attendees
broke off into groups of two and three
for the two-hour break.

The Grandfather Clock and the Old
Dutch Clock hit it off; the Mantel
Clock and the Anniversary Clock found
themselves similarly paired, and so on.

Until there was no one left in the
conference room but the little Alarm
Clock -- who went off by himself.

[W2LYS]

I YAM looking forward to next week and have BEAN for a long time. My CANDIED opinion is that T-Day should come twice a year. It's the time to PUMPKIN for
family information and SQUASH any rumors going around about yourself. It's hard to fit all that STUFFIN' the oven, and then when your uncle tries to consume the whole turkey you think he'll go to his GRAVY is eating so much. Gramps and CRANBERRY themselves in the stuffing like there's no tomorrow, and you can stop asking yourself, "Why did I PIE so much food?" The answer is obvious...I never SAUSAGE a bunch of vultures, and there will be no left-HORS D'OEUVRES. We're WALNUTS about the food, so dig in. You won't have MUSHROOM left for dessert, of course, but I donwanna hear anyone WINE about it. Urp!

[W2LYS]

The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never
have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a
card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card.
The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you." Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed, "This is the answer to our prayers!" Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. He answered, "That was ... the Clone
Arranger."

[w8idb]

A Wisconsin farmer finally decided to join the
modern age and buy a TV. The store assured
him that they would install the antenna and TV
the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new
TV and found only political ads on every channel.
The next morning he turned the TV on and found
only political ads again. When he came in to eat
lunch he tried the TV again and still was deluged
with political ads. The next day when he found the
same thing he called the store to complain.

The owner said that it was impossible for every
channel to only have political ads, and agreed to
send a repairman to check the TV. When the
TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the
farmer was right. and went outside to check the
antenna. When he returned he told the farmer
he had found the problem.

The antenna had been installed on top of the
windmill and accidentally grounded to the manure
spreader.

[N7AAO]

QQL should like this one:

---

A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire department. Despite some doubt that they would be of any assistance, they were called.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire and leaving two parts which were easily put out.

As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed and grateful that his house and farm had been spared. He quickly got his chequebook and donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds.

The captain replied, "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes on our fire truck fixed!"

[kg6saj]

Hey David - I like this version better -------

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and, in a blink, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. #I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. #As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into view. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000! And, he walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norske fire-fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat fricking truck!"

[W2LYS]

Dr. Jonas Salk spent years in research up to the release of his famous polio vaccine in the 1950's.

Following the clinical trials and release of the vaccine, he
maintained a number of facilities to continue the studies.

He studied other diseases too, but polio was his strong suit, so that people were known more than once to marvel at the depth of his fortepolio.

[W2LYS]

An animal orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was called one day by a frantic farmer in Australia. "Help, sir!" he cried, "I just got braces and orthodontic equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep orthodontist just died! I need a responsible animal dentist to come
care for my flock!" The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered, so he promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would be a week or two of work. But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent a whole 6 months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces.

When at last he boarded a plane for home, after half a year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness. "At last," he said, ...

"I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces!"

[W2LYS]

When the FBI arrested the head of a Mafia family, he turned out to be a very proud man and kept refusing to answer their questions. They grilled him all night without success but finally, when morning came, the don broke.

[W2LYS]

The car ran a very red light and also made an illegal lane change so cop was compelled to pull it over. Protruding from the vehicle's trunk and strapped onto the roof were numerous electrical appliances and items of furniture. As the officer walked up to the driver's side of the car, he also noticed that they seemed to have piled all their other earthly possessions into the back seat of the vehicle. In the front seat he discovered a bickering Chinese couple in heated conversation.

He knew this was likely to be an "interesting" story.

When the officer rapped on the car window the driver responded with what seemed like it might be an obscene gesture but the couple continued to bicker in what
seemed to be an agitated and obnoxious manner. No matter how much the officer attempted to engage them in conversation, they merely responded with horrible Chinese profanities, insults and rude gestures. Because
the officer could understand no Chinese and was unable to properly interpret any of the obscene gestures, he had no choice but to calmly issue citations only for the traffic infractions. Oddly enough, what he cited them for is also is a fair description of the couple themselves.

What were they?

Two Moving Vile Asians

[KB1GYQ]

A bright young psychology major was assigned to help the psychology professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test.

Student: "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 1: "It is half empty."

The student checks 'pessimist'.

Person 2 enters the room.

Student: "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 2: "It is half full."

The student checks 'optimist'.

Person 3 enters the room.

Student: "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 3: "Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there."

The student looks totally blank and must go consult with the psychology professor. "Oh them!", the professor laughs. "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality."

[w8idb]

Once upon a time there was a Prince who,
through no fault of his own, was cast
under a spell by an evil witch. The
curse was that the Prince could speak
only one word each year. However, he
could save up the words so that if he
did not speak for a whole year, then
the following year he was allowed to
speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess
(ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,)
and fell madly in love. With the great-
est difficulty he decided to refrain
from speaking for two whole years so
that he could look at her and say "My
darling".

But at the end of the two years he
wished to tell her that he loved her.
Because of this he waited three
more years without speaking
(bringing the total number of
silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he
realized that he had to ask her to
marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four
years without speaking. Finally, as
the ninth year of silence ended, his
joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most
secluded and romantic place in that
beautiful royal garden the prince heaped
a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt
before her, and taking her hand in his,
said huskily, "My darling, I love you.
Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden
hair behind a dainty ear, opened her
sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby
lips, said, "Pardon?"

[W2LYS]

The over-the-road trucker's loads were exclusively a single type of grain product, one commonly used as animal fodder but also often made into breakfast cereals. Tapes of what musical group did he always
listen to while driving?
Haulin' Oats

[w8idb]

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a
waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's
office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking
completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up
to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in
half
and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle . . . he gave me a
longer cane."

[w8idb]

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

[K7FE]

THE PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word
out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude
by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and
anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the
parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
angrier and even
ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand,
grabbed the bird and put
him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's
attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior,
the bird continued……………….


…………....."May I ask what the turkey did?"



HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

73,
Terry, K7FE

[w8idb]

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first. After riding the bike around a little while, he said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya.

[KC0KBH]

And the "engrish" version of the original joke:

The person drove passing by Texas west, evening of 1 spring. The road was thrown away, concerning those the way like time he did not look at mind. Suddenly, that car splutter and starts doing the engine 咳 which dies slowly, him who is put with the side of the road to entire silence leaves. As for him you sounded the thing hood which he can make in order to obtain that it goes for the second time plunk, with anything oh you saw in order how to see high. Everything where even unfortunately, as for him possessed the knowledge where the car is limited, therefore he can do being lost, should look at the engine which you feel. That he stood, that flashlight you look at the atrophy light/write simultaneously gradually, he denounced as he promises him himself, not placing on the electric battery where he is new. Suddenly, through the dark shadow, low voice and " It' As for s your fuel pump. " It came; The person rises directly, strikes that head underneath the hood. " As for Who that? " You said; He required. There are 2 horses which stand with the fence of side of the road, the person 2 horses which were repeated the time is closest " It' S your fuel pump you were surprised. To hit that of your flashlight, again. " Try; The engine where ardently, the person the key, truly, roars sufficiently in life hitting the fuel pump where that flashlight which it turned has been attached. As for him appreciation of shortage to horse ぶ and coming and screeched. When he reaches into the following town, as for him local stick " Whisky and please which are large to Gimme! " It moved; He said. As for the owner of a stock farm which is sat down in the stick man' To look at the ashen surface of s, " What' S, the human being different, you asked? Ghost! " You' which is seen; Like ve it is visible; " which it is difficult to believe; It' S " The person was all story owner of a stock farm, the recall did. The owner of a stock farm took the sip of that beer, consideration saw deeply. " The horse of A, you say? As for that with all chances white horse? " It went; The person answered to affirmation. " Yes, it was that! As for me crazy? " Certain; " No and insanity ain' T. Actually, fortunate you' Re " Owner of a stock farm black horse don' T cars! " " which knows the #### concerning; Because you said;

I did this:
Went to the Babelfish translator.
Then I translated from English to Japanese.

Then I copied the japanese and pasted it, and then translated it back to english.

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[W2LYS]

A group of Egyptologists and archeologists, studying a newly-discovered vault in the Nile basin, noted that there were some unusual odors in this vault. As a result, they located and hired a "lady of the night" to help them -- she was an expert at Tomb Essence. The
tomb was built not of concrete but of tiles, all of which sagged crazily in all directions. The archaeologists finally concluded that the vault's builder had suffered from erect tile dysfunction.

[W2LYS]

The president of a big bank fell off a seagoing yacht. While his friends frantically sought a life preserver, a sailor shouted, "Hey, can you float alone?" "Of course I can," gasped the floundering banker, "but this is a hell of a time to talk business."

[K7FE]

#"Why Men Are Just Happier People"

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood -- all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all
seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25
minutes.

[W2LYS]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

[kc7jty]

Did you hear the one about the farmer?
He was outstanding in his field.

Did you hear about the dentist and the manicurist that were getting divorced?
They fought tooth and nail.

Did you hear of the constipated Mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the 2 acrobats that were engaged to be married?
Everything was going along fine untill she broke it off.

What would you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

[KF0RT]

It's a sad day, y'all...

I thought you would want to know. It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including:

Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never realized how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, their two children - John Dough and Jane Dough, and they also had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:45 for about 20 minutes.

[w8idb]

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the
blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll
learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk
about.
You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another
question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that
is
a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it
now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a
friend's
house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her
mother's
conversation.

The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your
mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school.
It
tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The
little
girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how
old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know
that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you
weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a
divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

[WA5KRP]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.


One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at MontanaStateUniversity from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.


The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazinetable and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.


Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"


The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

[WA6CAW]

The other day while driving in southwest Oklahoma I ran across this ol boy who had a flat tire. He had pulled off on the side of the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. When I drove by, I studied the scene and noticed the Mississippi tag, but was so curious I turned around and went back. I asked the ole boy what the problem was. He replied, "I have a flat tar." Then I asked him, "But what's with the flowers?" He told me, "When ya break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back; I never understood it neither."

[WA5KRP]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

[WA5KRP]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You sonuvab...!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating yourmother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You sonuvab...!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that sonuvab..., and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn't have one."

[K7FE]

One particular Christmas, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for
his annual trip. Alas, there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves just weren't
producing the toys as fast as the regular ones.

Poor Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus announced that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he
found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped
the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress. Furthermore, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the toys
everywhere. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple
cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered
that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke
into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to
get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.

Where would you like me to stick it?" ……………………………..


.............And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[W2LYS]

A seven year old Dallas boy was at the center of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents so the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge then decided to allow the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the Dallas Cowboys this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

[W2LYS]

Two hillbillies, Will and Phil Hill, had an old hog named "Abe." They used to holler, "sooo-eee, sooo-eee" to call their beloved mud munchkin. Then one fine day Will and Phil ate a poison dill. They soon found themselves in a real pickle. They died and some new hillbillies had to take over where the Hills ended. The new hillbillies used to holler, "sooo-eee, sooo-eee" to call their newfound old oinkster. It never worked though. The pig ignored them. You see, you can't teach an old hog new hicks.

[W2LYS]

Scientists at MIT have reportedly announced that they have discovered a new species of weevil that feeds solely on the cotton fibers in men's shorts. The researchers have no idea where the species originated, and are appealing to the general public, as well as the rest of the scientific community for any information that would help identify the insect. They are anxious to identify what weevil lurks in the shorts of men.

[kg6saj]

My apologies if this is a repeat.....

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

A telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed the nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connected to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that....some problems can be fixed by pi**ing and moaning.

[W2LYS]

Sometime back during prohibition Bing and Bob developed a powerful thirst for some moonshine. Bing said, "I have a brother who lives up in the Carolina hills who has just finished setting up a little operation.
Perhaps he'd let us try out some of his first batch of hooch." The two buddies hit the road to Carolina and tracked down Bing's brother just as he was drawing off the first bottle of whiskey. "Here, try this and
tell me if you think it's aged enough," said the novice moonshiner. Bob, took a swig, made a sour face, and quickly pronounced, "Crosbie's still's mash is young."

[W2LYS]

A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one of the resettlement influxes. He had been an announcer in radio back in Laos, and he wanted to get into the same line of work here. The first thing
he did was join AFTRA (American Federation of Television and Radio Announcers). He tried to pursue a job, but of course, he had problems
with the English language, being a new resident. In order to keep body and soul together while going to English classes, he took up barbering. Soon, he became a very good barber, giving haircuts, stylings, and shaves. He seemed to be an artist with the straight razor. In fact, the shop where he worked made him specialize in giving shaves. Thus, he
became known as an AFTRA shave Laotian.

[W2LYS]

While Christmas shopping at a local toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting with all the others.
Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself.

"Wally, I didn't know you were a collector!"

"I'm not," Wally replied.

"Then why are you standing in this long line?"

"Well, I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"

[w8idb]

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was
the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon,
"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth
and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the
enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet
cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or
American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck,
Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech,
a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a
friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball,which landed in his neighbor's yard by
the bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting
at Mr. Gorsky.
"Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[kg6saj]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind man. "Just looking."

[W2LYS]

Donations to the order were down and the convent did not have the funds to continue in their usual manner. Rather than shutting down, Mother Superior ordered an austerity program requiring recycling of old clothing. As the gowns had faded over the years, they were sent to the manufacturer to restore them to their original black. Unfortunately when the dresses were returned, while improved, they were still a dark grey, Which just goes to prove ... what?

Old habits dye hard.

[N7AAO]

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight."

"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

The crab is soooo excited he decides to surprise his beloved's family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter.....

"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"

[N7AAO]

In the Bronx, NY, lived a rich cat who was a bit of a snob, though she did begin to chat on occasion with her neighbor, an alley cat. One day, she announced that she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was for.

Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of operation she had had. "Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy."

"For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation, "Why can't you call a spayed a spayed?"

[W2LYS]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your Overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "But... your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."

[WA5KRP]

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The
counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and three pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Please read more about the "history of teaching math":


Teaching Math In 1950
************************

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

*****************************************

Teaching Math In 1960

************************

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

************************************************** *****

Teaching Math In 1980

***********************

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

**************************************************

Teaching Math In 1990

************************

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:

How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?

(There are no wrong answers)

************************************************** *******



Teaching Math In 2005

************************

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de
production es.............

[K7KBN]

The title of this thread is "Joke Thread Redux".

What's an "ux", and what other colors do they come in besides red?

[W2LYS]

I am producing a new television show. We scan each page of the morning and evening newspapers with live camera, slowly enough to allow people to read it. This is paper view television.

[WA5KRP]

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

[W2LYS]

When Christopher went target-shooting with two friends, it was his first time doing it, but he was confident he was a good enough marksman that he could shoot a target. After all, he was good at hunting ducks and geese. So off they went, and each took a shot. "I got the bullseye," Al related, "and you got just outside it, Bob."

"What about the newby? How did he do?" Bob inquired.

Al, after further diligent searching of the target, reported, "It's beginning to look a lot like Chris missed."

[w8idb]

At UT Austin, there were four sophomores taking
Chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These
four friends were so confident that the weekend before
finals, they decided to visit some friends out at Lake
Travis and have a big party.

They had a great time, but after all the hearty
partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it
back to UT until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that
after the final they would explain to their professor
why they missed it.
They said that they visited friends but on the way
back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed
the final. The professor agreed they could make up
the final the next day.


The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that
night for the exam. The Professor placed them in
separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem worth 5
points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate
rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.
... then they turned the page. On the second page was
written :
For 95 points which tire was it

[WA5KRP]

A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend said, "I know a great caddy - he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk."
"OK, then," said the man, "tell him I'm playing again in a week."

The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive. He was so please with himself that he held his follow through position for several moments. Unwinding, he said to the caddy, "Did you see where it went?"

The caddy said, "I sure did."

"OK, great. Where is it?"

"I don't remember."

[W2LYS]

Mr. Kringle had so many toys to deliver this year, going at top speed to reach every child in one night, that he literally burned up from the effort. His body disintegrated into a bazillion particles, and when morning dawned, we couldn't even see the sun because of the Kris mist.

[W4KTL]

A ham operator returned home late one Saturday afternoon after spending all day at a hamfest. When he walked through the door he was sweating, and rather ragged looking. His wife asked "how was the hamfest".
"awful" he replied. #"Bill and I hadn't been there five minutes when he dropped over dead from a heart attack.
All day long it was look at radios, drag Bill, look at radios, drag Bill"

[W4KTL]

Dear Abby,
I have a problem. I'm dating a real nice guy, he's an electrical engineer and a ham operator. #My problem is my family. My mom is an exotic dancer, my father is in prison for stealing cars. My older brother is a bookie and my younger brother is a con artist. My sister works for my mom. #Oh yeah, my grandfather runs a moonshine still and grandma helps him. #

My question is, how do I tell my family I'm dating a ham operator?

Signed,
Concerned

[w8idb]

"A well known chef bought several cases of carp. Endeavoring
to create a new signature dish, he tried combining herbs and
spices with shortening but found that the cooking time had to
be exact. So when the chef received a phone call during the
dinner hour, he had to cut it short, explaining,

"I left my carp in saffron Crisco."

[w8idb]

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

[w4rot]

Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Why the long face?"
....
You had to be there.
w4rot

[K7JBQ]

Quote[/b] (w4rot @ Dec. 30 2004,16:51)]Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Why the long face?"
....
You had to be there.
w4rot
That was no horse. That was John Kerry.

73,
Bill

[KC0OGH]

Sign over urinal in the mens room at Springfield, Missouri Downtown Airport:

If your fueling probe is short, or your manifold pressure low, please taxi in close....The next pilot may not have a sea plane rating.

73s

[N0KLT]

Quote[/b] (K7JBQ @ Dec. 30 2004,18:45)]Quote[/b] (w4rot @ Dec. 30 2004,16:51)]Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Why the long face?"
....
You had to be there.
w4rot
That was no horse. That was John Kerry.

73,
Bill
That was no bartender, that was Scary Terry

[w8idb]

A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation
in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only
if she remarries within six months of my death."
"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.
"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died."

[KC0LFV]

The true story behind the angel on top of the Christmas tree:

Santa was preparing for the Big Day all year long. When it finally came, he got onto his sleigh and was going to make an announcement to all of the elves that had worked so hard. But when Santa stood on the sleigh, the left runner broke off, making the sleigh fall over, and letting all the reindeer fly off. Santa was pretty upset, and ordered the elves to track down the reindeer, and to make it quick.

After all the reindeer were rounded up, Santa brought his bag over to his slightly smaller backup sleigh. He then started off to make his rounds, but he didn't get very far. Because of the smaller sleigh, his bag hung over the edges and caught on a tree before he could get his sleigh high enough, spilling all the world's presents into the snow.

Santa landed the sleigh, quite ticked off at his misfortune, and started kicking the snow and cursing up a storm. Right then, an Angel came through the forest, dragging a Christmas tree behind her, and seeing Santa Clause asked

"Where do you want me to put this tree Santa?"

[W4KTL]

A man was walking along a California beach, and suddenly overwhelmed by the sounds and beauty of nature he was moved by the Spirit. Calling out to God, he said "Lord, you know I've been a good man all of my life. Could you grant me one request?"

The Heavens opened up and God replied "yes my good servant, I will. What can I do for you?"

The man replied "Lord, you know how much I love Hawaii and how much I hate to fly. Could you build me a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can drive there anytime I want?"

"My son, I certainly could do that, but it disappointments me that you ask for something so wordly. Think about all of the concrete, the disturbance to my fishes in the Ocean. Can you not ask for something less selfish?"

"Lord you are right. I'm sorry. Then could you explain to me how women think? Explain their emotions? Why do they get mad for no reason? Why, when they should be mad, they forgive? What makes them moody? How are they able to get such control over a man?"

There was a pause and the Lord responded "do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[w8idb]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!"

The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[w8idb]

A group of Missouri Hillbillies went deer hunting and paired off in
twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind.

He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter
replied.

"You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired. "A tough call, "nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one
is going to steal Henry!

[w8idb]

NEWS FLASH! - Joplin, Missouri----- The Ozarks worst air disaster
occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two
Missouri Southern University students, crashed into a cemetery
earlier today in The Ozarks. Mountaineer search and rescue workers
have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as
digging continues into the evening. The pilot and co-pilot survived
and are helping in the recovery efforts.

[w8idb]

The owner of a golf course in the Missouri Ozarks was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
University of The Ozarks and I need some help. If I were to give
you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

[N7AAO]

From my e-mail:

Quote[/b] ]These are true, I was a Sheriff and these are some of the excuses I heard. I actually wrote very few, about 1-2 a week, but when they came up with really lame excuses, I just had to.

People who got the ticket;

Guy on a motorcycle doing 110mph at 1 in the morning: "I was cold so I wanted to get home fast"

Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone: "I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking"

Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone: "No speaka english"

After receiving the ticket "you son of a *&^%$, you wrote me a ticket!"

People who did not get a ticket;

I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he had a radar detector on his dash (Yes, that's how close I was and he didn't look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and activated my radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes so hard he skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I couldn't write him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little embarrassed.

Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone "I just won the lottery" He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the lottery office was closed on Sundays!

But this guy was my favorite;
I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125mph in a 65 zone. I told him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the purchase papers for the car and said "I've waited my whole life to own this car. I bought it yesterday and have been driving it ever since. It was 4 in the morning, no one else was around, and I just wanted to really open it up once, to see what it would do" I handed him back his license and said "That makes perfect sense to me".

---------------------------------------------------------
A drunk gets on a transit bus and fumbles in his pocket for change. The bus driver, getting impatient, decides to drive off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He eacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.

A few stops later the drunk exits the bus from the front.

"Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

The drunk, reeling, shouts back, "Why should I?!..... I walked all the way!"

Presented for your amusement. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[W2LYS]

One Christmas, Dan and Stan built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other ide. "Look
at that," remarked Dan to Stan. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

[KC0LFV]

From an e-mail....


Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood -- all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[W2LYS]

My brother is in quite a pickle. He has a serious inner ear problem and needs surgery soon, or he'll lose his hearing in that ear. He doesn't have insurance, though, and of course, the surgery is very expensive.

He has found a solution, though. A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the whole operation, but only if he'll marry her afterwards. But she's fifty years older than him! You could call this a wife or deaf situation.

[W2LYS]

Gnu Weather Forecasting

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they claimed to be able to predict the overall mood of the year by watching the animals. In particular, the gnu's who, if their ears were forward, predicted a successful, joyous year, but if their ears were laid back flat, predicted a sorrowful, disastrous year.

One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animals and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to check on the gnus. She botched it, predicting a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.

In explanation, the next winter solstice, the local newspaper ran the following headline:
“Mary Crist misses an happy gnu's ear!”

[KW4MW]

A young monk joined an order of silence. #The monks went about their days in total silence without ever speaking to one another. #

Once every five years each monk was allowed to appear before the Revered Father and utter two words. #

At the end of his first 5 years the young monk was granted an audience with the Revered Father at which he remarked “Bed Hard”. #The Revered father nodded at his remark and the monk went on his way.

Five years later the monk appeared before the Revered Father again and said “Food Cold”. #Again the Revered Father nodded and the monk again went on his way.

Five more years passed and again the monk was presented in front of the Revered Father. #This time he simply said “I Quit”. #

The Revered Father looked at him and said, “Well you might as well, all you’ve done is complain since you got here”.

[N7AAO]

Once there was this cattle rancher who, after three years, finally found a buyer for his oldest bull Caesar. This new owner happened to be the rancher's closest neighbor, who lived on the other side of the valley across the river.

"Men," the rancher said to his cow hands, "It's time to say our good-byes to this bull, and take him across the river."

So the men roped Caesar, and walked him down to the river.

They were about to put him on the boat to take him across, when the rancher's youngest nephew who helped to raise Caesar, said with a tear in his eye, "Can we take him out for one last munch in his favorite meadow?"

The other hands said, "Sure," and led him just off the riverbank for a snack. Well, with the day as nice as it was, all of the hands took a quick nap.

Four hours later, the rancher saw that the bull was still on his property and ran down into the valley. He shouted and cursed at the men to wake them up.

Once everyone was standing, he said that the beast should have been across the river long ago. "In fact, we've come to ferry Caesar, not to graze him!"

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/unclesam.gif

[W2LYS]

I was walking through the forest one fine day in January, and heard an unusual "barking" sound. Not dog-like, but definitely a bark of some kind. I carefully crept toward the sound, and suddenly spied an unusual looking rabbit I had never seen before! But when I called the biology department at the university to report my new discovery, they hung up
on me! I guess they just weren't interested in my Yappy New Hare.

[W2LYS]

My parents recently returned from an extended vacation with their new cell phone. Although they are on a nationwide plan, they did make a brief foray into Canada and so, much like Julius Caesar, in the middle
of their March, they were hit with some surprise "Roman charges." (Uh, too brutal, eh?) Even though they've been back for a while, these charges didn't appear on their statement for several month. I had to explain to them that such things take time work through the system.
Specifically I told them, "Roamin' wasn't billed in a day."

[w2wtf]

A man appears at the pearly gates of heaven, St Peter looks at him and says, "we're only letting one person a day into heaven based on a courageous thing you've done in you life, get in line."

As St Peter walks down the line he passes a a mail man, talks briefly and moves on. Next he passes a doctor chats briefly and moves on, he skips the lawyer all together and moves to the man.

St. Peter says "Whats with all the Carolina garb your wearing?", the man replies "Well I'm a die hard carolina fan." St. Peter says whats one couragous thing you've done, "Well replies the man, I got up put on my Carolina shirt, my Carolina hat, my Carolina scarf, my Carolina jacket, My Carolina socks, shoes, gloves, well Carolina everything from head to toe." The man contiunes "Then I went to the Clemson Carolina football game and sat right in the middle of the Clemson student section and cheered as loud as I could for Carolina." St Peter replied "thats pretty coragous, how long ago did you do this?" The man replies "About 10 minutes ago."

[W2LYS]

At last February's opening round at the Pro-Am at Pebble Beach, Tiger Woods hit a tremendous drive at the par 3 twelfth hole which looked like it was headed right at the flag when the ball suddenly struck a large bird flying by and fell to the ground. However, Tiger was pleased
with his performance. Why?

He hit a partridge on a par three.

[w2wtf]

Did you hear? Nevada is getting a new zoo, Califorina is about to be fenced in.. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[W2LYS]

I called my cousin this morning. He owns
a diner just off the Interstate.

Bad move. I suppose I should've known
that morning is the wrong time to call --
it's the busiest time of day. But for the
mere minutes I was on the phone I got an
earful about the dishwasher who just upped
and walked out. So Brad, who's supposed
to be playing host and cashier, is back in
the kitchen washing dishes.

Summoning all my memories of practical
jokes over the years -- always by Brad at
my expense, I fashioned a package and had
a courier deliver it.

3:30PM. I got a phone call from Brad.
"What's this?" He was looking at a rather
rusty assembly dominated by two off-white
cylinders and a hand crank. At the bottom
were the remains of a mounting clamp.

"Oh!" I replied. "I was just trying to help.
That's a dead wringer for your washer."

[w2wtf]

While working at the lumber yard pushing a tree through the buzz saw, a guy accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor's says, "Yuk! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

The guy says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, 'you haven't got the fingers'? It's the 21st Century. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

He says, "Well, heck, doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

[w2wtf]

Doctor comes home and finds he has no water so he calls a plumber. The plumber walks in and has the water back on in five minutes.The plumber turns around and hands the doctor a bill for $275.00.

The outraged doctor stammers, "I'm a Neuro-surgeon, not some damn dumb plumber, and I don't even make that much for five minutes work!"

The plumber smiles and says, "Yeah, I know, I didn't make that much when I was a Neuro-surgeon either."

[W2LYS]

Last New Year's Eve found me in the hospital scheduled for an operation to remove hemorrhoids. So while others donned party hats and sipped champagne, I wore a hospital gown and swigged painkillers. That's not
to say the holiday spirit was completely absent, though. Nope. The next day, January 1, I woke up to a banner on my bedroom wall. It screamed: "Happy New Rear!"

[N7AAO]

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that there is no God, the expression, "One Nation Under God", was unconstitutional, and further, he was going to prove there is no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him ass over teacups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.

The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When he regained his senses and could speak he yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was busy. He sent me."

http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/unclesam.gif

And, to all my Marine friends, Semper Fi!

[KG4YAQ]

Quote[/b] (wa5krp @ July 28 2004,22:54)]How to spot a rich guy:



http://rock103.com/crew/pics/howtospotarichguy.jpg
That is not a rich guy. She is a life guard.

[wa4brl]

How about some musician jokes?


How can you know it's a lead singer is at the door.
[They can't find the key and never know when to come in.]

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?
[A drummer.]

If a bass player and a drummer jump off a tall building at the same time, which hits the ground first?
[The drummer -- the always speed up at the wrong time, and the bass player will stop halfway down to adjust the socks in his pants!]

What's black and blue and lies in a ditch?
[A bass player who told one too many drummer jokes.]

What's a gentleman bagpipe player?
[Someone who can play the pipes, but refrains from doing so.]

A high-school kid gets a bass for Christmas. His dad gives him $20 and sends him off for his first lesson. An hour later, the kid comes home and dad asks how it went. "Great", the kid says, "I learned the first four notes on the G-string". The next week dad hands over another $20 and sends the kid off for his second lesson. The kid is gone all night and drags in the next morning stinking of cigarette smoke and beer. Dad ask what happend! Kid says "I couldn't go to the lesson, I had a gig".

[WA5KRP]

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about two Miles north of the PA/MD state line.When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket.

The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind The patrol car, a drunk got out, and watched the performance briefly.

He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way in the world I can pass that test."

[KA9VQF]

This may not count as a joke but I got it in an e-mail can’t give proper credit for it but I ain’t claiming it for my own work.

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24
hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar.. and the 2 cups of coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if he jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that
if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner
out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes
to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room
for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

[w2wtf]

Did you hear about Jessie Jackson's new presidential campagin bumper sticker? It says "Run Jessie Run" and your supposed to place it on your front bumper.

[W2LYS]

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.

He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work.'"

[W2LYS]

A group of fonts walk into a bar.

"Get out of my pub!" shouts the bartender.

"We don't serve your type in here."

[w2wtf]

Quote[/b] (W2LYS @ Jan. 19 2005,11:46)]A group of fonts walk into a bar.

"Get out of my pub!" shouts the bartender.

"We don't serve your type in here."
Punny......

[WA5KRP]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

[W2LYS]

When the farmer in the small village refused to tithe to the church, the local parishioners gently suggested that if he wouldn't give the church 10% of his income, he ought to at least give the clergyman 10% of his crops,
which would certainly be a help.

He hemmed and hawed and protested, but the people persisted in their suggestion and finally he grudgingly acquiesced.

"I'll be by tomorrow to collect the first of your 'donations'," one of the church elders told the farmer uncompromisingly. And indeed he showed up
the next day, ready to collect. The farmer had several bags full of produce at the ready, but when the church elder peered in, he saw rotten tomatoes, wilted lettuce, moldy peppers, and such.

"What's this?!" he exclaimed.

The farmer, with a snort, explained himself thusly: "To the vicar belong the spoils."

[W2LYS]

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[KC0KBH]

Blondes and Redheads are having an ice fishing contest. The redheads are catching all the fish, and the blondes have not caught one. So, a blonde puts on a wig and goes over to the redheads. After looking around, she goes back to the blondes. She says,"They're cheating! They cut holes in the ice!"

[W2LYS]

In a small county in the middle of
nowhere, a minor problem occurred
when the Medical Examiner dropped
onto his own table one afternoon,
a victim of a heart attack.

The mayor of the town (the County
Seat) met a few hours later with
those local legislators who could be
rounded up for an emergency session.

"We can't afford to leave this
position vacant. We can borrow the
facilities of Friedrich County for
a few weeks, but the cost of
transport alone, eighty miles down
the road, will quickly become
prohibitive."

"Why not buy a new M.E.?" asked one
of the group.

"You mean, like, go down the road and
hire away their M.E.? You know that
won't work. The Doc isn't going to
commute, and we can't afford to pay
enough to get him to move."

"No. Just down the street. Buy a new
one at the Coroner Store."

[n0ov]

Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?" His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." His Father bought him American Airlines.!

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yo