JOKE THREAD REDUX

[W2LYS]

This is a tale of commercial competition in the making and sales of fine porcelain and china. Noritake, Wedgwood, Mikasa, Lenox and others are among the world's most famous brands. Buying a collection of any of these could deplete the whole retirement, I'm afraid.

Mikasa is a previously stodgy Japanese company that has been wanting to expand its markets, particularly in Latin America. Along this line, they have been searching for sales mottos that would show the appropriate warm hospitality of using their china for house guests. Finally, they arrived at the perfect slogan:

Mikasa es Su Casa!

[K7RQ]

Two Salvation Army ladies were out shopping one day. They stopped in front of a department store display window that featured bikinis. Just for kicks, and feeling just a bit naughty, they decided to go inside and try some on. One came out of the dressing room wearing a very brief one that exposed a lot of skin that seldom saw the light of day. Her friend said, "My goodness, Ethel! You certainly have a large navel!"
Ethel said, "And you will, too, when you've carried the flag in as many parades as I have!"

[KG6YTZ]

Mikasa es Su Casa!
Not a joke, but speaking of Mikasa... In the 1970's, this renowned manufacturer of fine crystal actually marketed a bowling ball. I'm not making this up. :)

The ball I remember was pale green, clear all the way through except for the top weight block, and was so hard that it could only be drilled with special water-cooled bits which would be worn out by the drilling process after only one use.

They were never legal for competition. Okay, so speaking of Mikasa and competitions... :D

Footnote: eBay link to a Mikasa ball (http://cgi.ebay.com/MIKASA-LUCITE-NEW-14LB-7-oz-LUCITE-BOWLING-BALL_W0QQitemZ130207340531) being sold by PBA touring pro Danny Wiseman.

[W2LYS]

When I was growing up, I was a fervent reader of L. Frank Baum and his
Oz books. While the stories primarily revolved around Dorothy Gale and
her adventures, the stories of others who got to Oz were often just as
fascinating. Thus, I was delighted I heard about Dorothy and
her friend Amy Moore.

What I didn't know was that shortly before Amy and Dorothy
arrived in Oz, Richard Rhode, a teenaged heartthrob and a euphonious
crooner with a voice reminiscent of Mel Torme, entered Oz hoping the
Wizard would help him save his career, as he was reaching puberty and
his voice was beginning to change to an annoying rasp. In fact, he had
left to fulfill his quest moments before Dorothy's famous landing. So
when Dorothy asked how she could find the Wizard, she was told to... "
Follow the mellow Rick Rhode."

[WB3JLA]

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor
on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
~
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave
the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're
sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore'
From Kingman , KS
~
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City
~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blind people doing driving?
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
~
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
~
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi
~
STAY ALERT.
They walk among us...
AND THEY VOTE!!!! ( Voting is the scary part)

[k8ceb]

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:




If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive , it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic , press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal , put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done. Your turn!) :cool:

[W2LYS]

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season Is Like Christmas

Number Ten:
Decorating the house (with plywood, candles, power cords, etc.)

Number Nine:
Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season.

Number Eight:
Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

Number Seven:
Regular TV shows pre-empted for 'Specials'.

Number Six:
Family coming to stay with you.

Number Five:
Family and friends from out of state calling you.

Number Four:
Buying food and booze you don't normally buy . . . and in large quantities.

Number Three:
Days off from work.

Number Two:
Over budget spending.

And the Number One reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas:

At some point you're probably going to have a tree in your house

[W2LYS]

Just a thought:

If Clark Kent instead of a reporter, had been a dentist with a strong conviction of the benefits of dairy products because of their high calcium content, would his alter-ego have stood for Tooth Justice and the American Whey?

[WA5KRP]

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

Back in Oslow the Norwegian went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"


UGH....

[k8ceb]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road... ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz



SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? :)

[WA5KRP]

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman
who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the
pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally
bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
still alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the
end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out
the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Stay away from that wall!"

[G4ZMY]

Subject: Consultants

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in
his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons
in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a
drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips
back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead
of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse
me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.



That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate
the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon.'

[W2LYS]

Wolff Kissinger was a spy. He was the bane of the Nazis during the war, for although they sought him everywhere, they were never able to lay a hand, bullet or poisoned dart on him. The reason was that Wolff was a master of disguise.

Once he was an old flower woman, calling out her posies in a quavery voice. Then her bouquet exploded with a deadly cloud and Kissinger's opposite number lay still in the street.

Wolff and his disguises ran the gamut from Oriental merchant to English squire to Portuguese sailor to African tribesman. There was no role he could not play to perfection. His makeup was wondrous and his flair for dialect gifted.

Meanwhile, back at Berlin HQ, the top brass of German Intelligence met to see if they could set an unbeatable trap for the Allies' most valuable undercover agent. Despite their brilliance they had no idea at all what guise their quarry would affect next. What was the point when he might just as easily be a Rommel aide or Mussolini's second in command.

Sighed one of the Nazi leaders as the vexing problem was pondered, "I wonder who's Kissinger now?"

[WB3JLA]

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't...
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the! ! insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine..
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17... Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18... Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..
22... Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory..
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was ! ! a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

MY TUBE AMP SITE (http://www.geocities.com/insp/SUPRO6420.html)

[WB3JLA]

A Texan is driving through the dessert in Israel when he stops at a little shack along the road to ask for some water. A little old Jewish man comes out of the shack, and the Texan says

"Scuse me sir, I've been driving for hours, and was wondering if y'all could please let me have a glass of water"

"Of course. Heff some water, in fect you can heff some wine. Sit down and I'll be right beck"

The old man comes back with wine, water and the two sit down and drink, and start to converse. The Texan looks out at the stretching sands of the desert and after awhile begins to brag.

"Ya know, where ah come from, a man can drive for hours before he sees the end of his land!"

The old man replies

"Yes, I vunce hed a car like thet too".

[WA6MHZ]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....

[WB3JLA]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not

in their bed. She put on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in

front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the

wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of

his coffee. 'What's the matter dear?' she whispered as she steps into

the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband

looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20

years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back

then?' he asks solemnly. The wife is almost reduced to tears herself,

just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she

replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do

you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes,

I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in

my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to

jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly. He

wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have gotten out of jail

today.'

[ab8ma]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! We call her the

Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you

The People.


The nanny, we will consider her the

Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely

soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room, finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the

Future is in deep ####.

[K7RQ]

This rather sleazy real estate salesman was trying to broker a deal with a prospective client. In order to impress him, he asked him to meet him in the VIP lounge at Sea-Tac airport. He got there ahead of time and while waiting, he happened to notice that Bill Gates was sitting alone a few tables away, having coffee and reading a newspaper. On an impulse, he went over and politely introduced himself to Gates and explained that he was waiting for a client, and asked if Gates would do him a trmendous favor. He asked if Gates would come over and call him by name when the client was at the table, which would surely impress his customer immensely. Gates grinned and agreed. Soon the client arrived, and after a couple of minutes, Gates got up from his table and came over and, putting his arm around the salesman's shoulder, said, "Why hello, Dave! Good to see you again!"
The salesman looked up and snarled, "Buzz off, Gates! Can't you see I'm with a client?"

[WA5KRP]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible.'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving and there is a certain degree of risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

[W2LYS]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!'

[W2LYS]

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

[W2LYS]

There was a boy in high school we will call Joey. One day Joey leaned over to the girl sitting next to him in class and whispered, "Red roses." The shocked girl stood up, slapped Joey in the face and went crying to the teacher. The teacher called Joey to the desk and asked what he had said. "Red roses" was Joey's reply, at which the teacher screamed and sent poor Joey to the principal's office.

As Joey waited in the lobby to be called in, he pondered what was happening to him. His thoughts where cut short by the sound of the secretary saying he could go in. Joey walked into the office and was told to take a seat, which he did.

After telling the story of how he had been wrongly accused and how he knew there was some mistake, the principal smiled and asked "OK, Joey, I understand. What did you say to her?" Joey was sure the principal would be a reasonable man and responded "Red roses." you could watch as the principal turned red and shouted "YOU'RE EXPELLED! GET OUT!" Joey asked to wait for the bus to take him home, since he lived some distance away. "NO!" Then Joey was informed that if he was caught on the premises again, he would be arrested for trespassing.

Very distraught, Joey set out on his way home. He had made it about a mile down the road when Old Man Jones, the local pig farmer, stopped and offered a ride home. Joey, being very upset, of course, accepted the ride. Not more than a mile down the road, Old Man Jones asked why Joey wasn't in school, so Joey told the story of the events that had happened that day.

At the end of the story, the old man said that it sounded like Joey had quite a rough time of it "Oh, and what did you say?" Joey hesitated -- should he tell the man what he said, or not? He decided to tell him. "Red roses." The tires squealed as the truck ground to a halt. Old Man Jones reached over and opened the door and pushed Joey out on his ear. Now very angry, Joey got up, brushed himself off, and continued on his way home.

Upon arriving at home, Joey's mother, Mrs. Campbell, saw that her son wasn't looking too good, and asked why he hadn't caught the bus. Joey told her. She fixed Joey a bowl of soup, then asked, "Joey, dear, what on earth did you say to that little girl?"

Joey wasn't sure what to do. He knew his mother loved him, but he didn't want her to have the same reaction everyone else had. But he told her anyway. "Red roses."

Joey waited in his room with a bruised ego and a sore bottom, wondering what would happen when his father got home. Six o'clock came around and Joey's father got home. He could hear his parents arguing outside his door, then suddenly it was quiet.

Mr. Campbell came into the room and said, "Your mother told me you had some trouble at school, but I told her you and I would figure it out. But the first thing is you have to tell me what you said." "OK, Dad, I said 'red roses'," was Joey's response. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU"RE NO SON OF MINE!"

The next morning, Joey decided he needed to get a job. It was a while before he found anyone who would hire a 15-year-old who had been expelled from high school and kicked out of the house. But Joey wasn't a quitter, and he did find a job working at a gas station in a neighboring town. After a few months, Joey had managed to get settled in his new job and had even moved into the apartment over his boss' garage.

On a particularly slow day at work, Joey's boss asked what had happened that caused everything that had happened to happen. Joey went into a long story of emotional stress, misunderstood youth, the pain of having lost all of his friends and family in one fateful day. The tale Joey spun was so powerful, his boss was moved to tears and, out of compassion, offered to adopt Joey. With the first smile to cross his lips in months, Joey accepted.

On the way to the court proceedings a few days later, Joey's boss asked him, "Exactly, what did you say to her?" Without thinking, Joey replied, "Red roses." His boss grew as white as a ghost and said, "That was my niece, you little pervert!"

Once again, Joey was without a friend in the world. The next day Joey took all the money he had managed to save and bought a bus ticket "to wherever the farthest place from here is." As he waited for his bus, a little old lady sat down next to him on the bench. Even though he didn't want to, she started talking, and before you knew it, she had heard almost the whole story. But she interrupted and asked what he had said. "Ma'am, I said 'red roses'." Well, the words were just barely out of his mouth when she started beating him with her cane. In order to flee the fury of the old woman, he ran across the road, but he never made it to the other side. He was hit by a speeding Mack truck and he died.

The moral of this story is: Always look both ways before crossing the street.

[K7RQ]

Q: What do you call your Indian pal who is undergoing treatment for cancer?

A: Chemo Sabe.

[W2LYS]

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ... "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

[WB3JLA]

http://i282.photobucket.com/albums/kk243/supro66/DOGCANDLE.jpg

[WB3JLA]

After being married for 37 years, I took a careful look at
my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 37 years ago we had a
cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 19-year-old gal. Now I have a
$500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen
TV, but I'm sleeping with a 56-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out
and find a hot 19-year-old gal, and she would make sure that
I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a
cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch
black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how
to solve your mid-life crisis.

[KD0BRD]

There was a boy in high school we will call Joey. One day Joey leaned over to the girl sitting next to him in class and whispered, "Red roses." The shocked girl stood up, slapped Joey in the face and went crying to the teacher. The teacher called Joey to the desk and asked what he had said. "Red roses" was Joey's reply, at which the teacher screamed and sent poor Joey to the principal's office.

(Quote shortened for brevity

He was hit by a speeding Mack truck and he died.

The moral of this story is: Always look both ways before crossing the street.

Noooooooooo! That's not fair!!

[ab8ma]

Larry died.



His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah
turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Larry would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sarah. 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Sarah answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church.. The whiskey, wine and snacks were
another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Jody computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?'

'Four and a half carats.'

[KG6YTZ]

The moral of this story is: Always look both ways before crossing the street.

Noooooooooo! That's not fair!!
<The YuTZ takes a red rose and forcefully rams it...somewhere...>

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/b/bb/Red_Rose_Speedway.jpg/200px-Red_Rose_Speedway.jpg

[WF7A]

(Only because I'm here in Orlando, Florida, this week selling my software at the NBAA convention.)

A couple of blondes were really looking forward to their vacation to Disneyworld but just as they reached about a quarter of a mile away from its entrance they spied a road sign, started sobbing, then turned around to go home, emptyhanded; the sign said, "Disneyworld -- Left".

[WA5KRP]

http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/meltingicecreamtruck.jpg



BUMMER.

[W2LYS]

An old story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This too is for good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This too is for good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And, so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This too is for good!"

"What do you mean,'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."

[WA6MHZ]

Football FINALLY makes sense.....

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They
had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he
asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they
were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "what do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: `Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's onnnnnnllllly 25 cents."

[WA5KRP]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[WA5KRP]

GOTCHA...uh-ohhhh! (http://digg.com/lbv.php?id=8369344)

[KI6DCB]

GOTCHA...uh-ohhhh! (http://digg.com/lbv.php?id=8369344)


Oh, man.....!

[K7RQ]

A blonde goes up to an airline ticket counter and says, "I want to buy a round-trip ticket."
"Okay, miss, says the agent. Where to?"
"Well, duh! To HERE, of course!"

[W2LYS]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog were sitting in a doggie bar when a beautiful female collie walked in. She said "whoever can use the words liver and cheese in a sentence, I am yours."

The Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

That isn't good enough replied the collie.

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

That wasn't creative enough replied the collie.

The Chihuahua says "Liver alone...cheese mine."

[W2LYS]

Once there was this monastery in 15th century Europe that had a problem. The Monks needed funding, and their treasury was low. So they decided to hold a revival meeting (medieval style.)

First, one of the brothers started banging on this really loud, raucous drum, and shouting out the evils of sin. Then they had some minstrels come in and sing a few hymns. After which they preached a sermon, and passed around the collection plate.

When it was all over they evaluated the outcome, and the people of the town decided that all else went well, but all the ladies present said that the pre - minstrel sin drum was really the pits.

[W2LYS]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

[WA5KRP]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "Oh that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

[WA5KRP]

Homeless rocket scientist...



http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/rocketcart.jpg

[W2LYS]

This scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence. The scoutmaster tried honking his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard from the horn.

He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed. As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.

"Yep", he replied. "Beep repaired!"

[WA5KRP]

Back in 1990 the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now we are trusting the economy of our country and $700B to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.

Now if that doesn't make you nervous, what does ? ? ?


http://www.myecities.com/confused.jpg

[W2LYS]

Once upon a time, there were two robins who woke one day to find the sun shining, a light breeze blowing, not a cloud in the sky! They went down, found breakfast, had a drink, baths (water AND dust) and decided to take the rest of the day off from whatever-it-is-that-robins-do.

So they found a good patch of turf, lay down, stretched a time or two and went to sleep. A large cat found them and ate them both up.

Then he sat back, cleaned his paws and whiskers, and sighed, "MMMMMMMM, basking robins."

[WB3JLA]

SCROLL DOWN THEN CLICK fun game!

Tic---Tac---Toe



I lost

YOU GOTTA TRY THIS AT LEAST ONCE!!!!! IT'S GREAT.

Click HERE (http://stuff.pyzam.com/toys/tictacscare.swf)

MY TUBE AMP SITE (http://www.geocities.com/insp/SUPRO6420.html)

[K7RQ]

Ole and Olga lived on the edge of a lake in northern Minnesota. Sven's store, where they bought their supplies, was on the opposite shore, four miles away. In winter when the lake was frozen you could hike straight across but the rest of the year you had to follow the shore, a distance of seven miles.
One winter day Ole found he had run out of snoose. He said, "Olga, would you please go over to Sven's store and get me a can of snoose?" Being a devoted Norwegian wife, she put on her mukluks and trudged across the ice to Sven's.
"Hey, Sven," she said, Ole needs a can of snoose." Sven brought the can and said, "That's four bits, Olga."
"Oh, Ole didn't give me no money."
"How come?"
"I dunno."
"Well, I'll ask him." So he cranked up the phone and called Ole. "Hey Ole," he said. "How come you didn't send no money for the snoose?"
"Well, Sven, it's gettin' warmer and the ice is gettin' thin. I wasn't sure it would hold her up."

[WA5KRP]

Eric moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for
$100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next
day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey
died.'

Eric replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Eric said, 'OK, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Eric said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Eric said, 'Sure I can....watch me....I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later the farmer met up with Eric and asked, 'What happened with
that dead donkey?'

Eric said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Eric said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Eric works for the U.S. Government.

[WA5KRP]

DENNY CRANE FOR PRESIDENT (http://www.tv.com/video/15055/dances-with-wolves?o=tv&tag=show_summary;v)

[K7RQ]

A man was driving down a narrow twisting mountain road. He met a woman who was driving up the mountain. As she passed alongside his car, she leaned out the window and yelled, "PIG!" at him. In instant anger he flipped her off and yelled, "BITCH!"
Around the next bend he ran into a large pig in the road.

[W2LYS]

Once upon a time three adult siblings all perished in a terrible car wreck. They were loved by all and the local townsfolks often referred to them by their nicknames. First, there was Florence, whose penchant for "foo-foo" kinds of decorations earned her "Foo". Then there was Sutton, whose winsome, informal personality had folks fondly calling "Sutt". Finally, there was their avid bird-watcher sibling who left to make an immense fortune in the spud business, naturally receiving the nickname "Idaho".

A huge crowd of mourners solemnly accompanied the funeral procession from the crematorium to the cemetery. Once there, the containers of the dearly departed were displayed so people could pay their final respects. One container was placed on top of the hearse, one on a wagon towed behind it, and the third on the ground in front of them.

A picture in the local newspaper later chronicled the event with the following caption:

Foo's on hearse. Sutt's on wagon. Idaho -- Bird Vase.

[WA5KRP]

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4c/Navy_Kamikaze_Lieutenant.jpg




Why did kamikaze pilots wear safety helmuts?

[W2LYS]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Super cauliflower cheese, but eggs were quite atrocious!"

[W2LYS]

If you like snakes, lizards, turtles, and such creatures, there is a chain of stores in Austin called Herpeton. Patrons can go in to be delighted by the contents, or they can bring in their spouses to be horrified. It all depends on the point of view and the inherent state of one's salvation.

Recently, a particular disease was epidemic in this pet store. All of the animals became very torpid, they went off their diet, they could not be aroused, and if untreated, they eventually would die. Fortunately, the business was saved. Nowadays, we have very effective medicines for reptile dysfunction.

[N3IDT]

While walking down the street one day a
US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by
St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a
high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do
with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the
man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders
from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one
in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to
be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to
the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and
he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance
is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening
dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the
good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and
then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is
a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling
jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it
is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and
waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the
door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

' Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator
joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing
the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it,
the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell
and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then
he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has
been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and
he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash
falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his
arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we
ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great
time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
'Yesterday we were campaigning.



Today you voted.'

[WA5KRP]

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10"

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he cracked up with laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

[W2LYS]

I've heard a rumor that many members of the underdog team in this
year's World Series have very quick Tampas and are prone to initiating
bloody scuffles on the field. I do hope all the World Series games
will be played at night so that the Phillies don't suffer from too
much exposure to the damaging ultra violent Rays.

[KI6DCB]

LYS, you're good. You're really, really good. My XYL and I have to have dinner with you at least once before we die. You're good.

Now, the joke:

What do you call two hams talking to each other?

A f@rt.

[WA5KRP]

Ah hell...when this starts glowing in the dark, no tellin' what'll happen next! (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/27338321#27338321)

[WA5KRP]

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant. 'Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic,' he says. 'I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, 'So, Seamus, how was your day?'

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.'

'Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,' says Seamus.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, 'Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!'

'Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I gave her some eyedrops.'

[W2LYS]

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl, you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

[WB3JLA]

AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flower s on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them ba ck on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but fi rst I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, < B>
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is comi ng!!

[WA5KRP]

http://rock103.com/cc-common/gallery/thumb.php?src=/export/home//cc-common/mlib/2100/07/2100_12163093192.jpg&wmax=446&hmax=410&quality=90

This just looks wrong. At many levels.

[WB3JLA]

Don't step in it (http://minibytes.mondominishows.com/poo/affiliates/play.asp?Affil=iwon&W)

[W2LYS]

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine, who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he arrived at his job to find a new girl had started to work in the office. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a time it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing else to do but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

[WA5KRP]

FAILURE WITH DIGNITY (http://politicsoffthegrid.wordpress.com/2008/10/09/how-to-fail-tests-with-dignity/)

Thanks, Harry!

[K1LLR]

With a SHORT WAVE ..hahahahahaha!!

[wa4brl]

With a SHORT WAVE ..hahahahahaha!!
Unless he's active on Top Band... :rolleyes:

[W2LYS]

"Bartender, got any specials today?"

"Yes, we mix Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."

"What do you call it?"

"Well we call it a 'Pabst Smir' !"

[WA5KRP]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward. She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could see terrified expressions of agony on the faces of the men of the congregation as they gasped, imagining the torturous pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrific pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were visibly distressed as they imagined the uspeakable surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife the word is "sternum."

[W2LYS]

"In deference to the next of kin," Commander Cummerbund explained with morbid relish, "the full story of the super-cruiser 'Flatbush's' last mission has never been fully revealed. You know, of course, that she was lost during the war against the Mucoids."

We all shuddered. Even now, the very name of the gelatinous monsters who had come slurping Earthward from the general direction of the Coal Sack aroused vomitive memories.

"I knew her skipper well -- Captain Karl van Rinderpest, hero of the final assault on the unspeakable, but not unshriekable, !!Yeetch."

He paused politely to let us unplug our ears and mop up our spilled drinks.

"'Flatbush' had just launched a salvo of probability inverters against the Mucoid home planet and was heading back toward deep space in formation with three destroyers -- the Russian 'Lieutenant Kizhe', the Israeli 'Chutzpah', and her Majesty's 'Insufferable'. They were still accelerating when a fantastically unlikely accident occurred. 'Flatbush' ran straight into the gravity well of a neutron star."

When our expressions of horror and incredulity had subsided, he continued gravely.

"Yes -- a sphere of ultimately condensed matter, only ten miles across, yet as massive as a sun -- and hence with a surface gravity one hundred billion times that of Earth.

"The other ships were lucky. They only skirted the outer fringe of the field and managed to escape, though their orbits were deflected almost a hundred and eighty degrees. But 'Flatbush', we calculated later, must have passed within a few dozen miles of that unthinkable concentration of mass and so experienced the full violence of its tidal forces.

"Now in any reasonable gravitational field -- even that of a White Dwarf, which may run up to a million Earth g's -- you just swing around the center of attraction and head on out into space again, without feeling a thing. At the closest point you could be accelerating at hundreds or thousands of g's -- but you're still in free fall, so there are no physical effects. Sorry if I'm laboring the obvious, but I realize that everyone here isn't technically orientated."

If this was intended as a crack at Fleet Paymaster General "Sticky Fingers" Geldclutch, he never noticed, being well into his fifth beaker of Martian Joy Juice.

"For a neutron star, however, this is no longer true. Near the center of mass the gravitational gradient -- that is, the rate at which the field changes with distance -- is so enormous that even across the width of a small body like a spaceship there can be a difference of a hundred thousand g's. I need hardly tell you what that sort of field can do to any material object.

"'Flatbush' must have been torn to pieces almost instantly, and the pieces themselves must have flowed like liquid during the few seconds they took to swing around the star. Then the fragments headed on out into space again.

"Months later a radar sweep by the Salvage Corps located some of the debris. I've seen it -- surrealistically shaped lumps of the toughest metals we possess twisted together like taffy. And there was only one item that could even be recognized -- it must have come from some unfortunate engineer's tool kit."

The Commander1s voice dropped almost to inaudibility, and he dashed away a manly tear.

"I really hate to say this." He sighed. "But the only identifiable fragment of the pride of the United States Space Navy was . . . one star-mangled spanner."

[KG6YTZ]

one star-mangled spanner.
Oh, my... What a wrenching tale!

[W2LYS]

A guy walks into a pub and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?"

The guy asks "What's it all about?"

The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."

The guy replies, "No I don't think so, mate............

...the steaks are too high"

[WB3JLA]

Subject: Appreciate your Wife

This is priceless!

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to
each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II
appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies
are female.....

[WB3JLA]

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbe ll, ho ping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with

amazement.


'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.....

[W2LYS]

I don't know if I ever mentioned the fact that I raise fowl (the straight lines are provided for free, take advantage of them while you can) on my little farm ... as a matter of fact, I've gone as far as to do a few breeding experiments.

Just finished my latest... I wanted chickens that would be so tough and aggressive that they could protect themselves from any threat.

What I ended up with was a small flock of hens so tough they can peck their way through sheet metal.

Surely you've all heard of my hybrid ... the "Armor Piercing Pullets?"

[ab8ma]

C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

[W2LYS]

A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL". White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness. The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, .... "Is Nothing Sacred?

[W2LYS]

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available.

He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.

"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin', or you just want to always be ready, or what?"

"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".

"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"

"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler who made it wit all da dames. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".

"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?

"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...

... Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"

[WF7A]

(I didn't know where else to post this, so...)

I was at the local watering hole last night when a couple of overly happy local yokels burst into the bar yelling, "Drinks are on us!" After the initial rush to the bar for our drinks, I asked one of the guys why they were so happy.
"We finished a jigsaw puzzle in just under two months!" he said proudly.
"What's so special about that?" I asked.
"On the box it said, '2 to 4 years'"!

[KE5PQD]

A rope walks into a bar and says Barkeep, give me a beer. The bartender says we don't serve ropes here please leave. The rope goes outside and ties himself up and then thrashes around for a bit. He walks back in and asks for a beer. The bartender says hay aren't you the same rope that was just in here? The rope says 'frayed knot'

Sorry:D

[W2LYS]

A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist. One day, one of his experiments paid off. He successfully combined the DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog. The result was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur.

For many years, the dog was happy. But over time, he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression. Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry.

The dog was just a little melon collie.

[K7RQ]

A door-to-door salesman went up to a house and rang the bell. The door was opened by a twelve year-old boy, who had a lit cigar in one hand and a can of beer in the other.
"Good afternoon, son," said the salesman. "Is your mom or dad at home?"
With a smirk, the kid said, "Whatta YOU think?"

[W2LYS]

Ferdinand Feghoot visited the planet Sycamore y Robles during the end of the breeding season of the year 3725. The many high mountains were in flower and they were particularly beautiful that season. The termite-like inhabitants were large by Terran standards, the queens sometimes encompassing the length and breadth of a 21st Century American soccer field.

After traditional nuptials culminated by eating of the drained drones, the queens would scatter out into the countryside for their gestation. After the hatching, it was the habit of the many young to crawl into many of the female body cavities for post-hatch nursing. This event was frequently imperceptible to the queen because of the relatively small size of her progeny.

It would otherwise be unseemly to go into these intimate details of our Roblean allies, but to do so is necessary to explain the great service Feghoot did for the clan of Queen Madera. Queen Madera spent her royal gestation and post-hatching time upon the very highest of the Roblean mountains. However, when she came home, her brood could not be found. All of the usual orifices were checked and a sense of impending doom came upon the Clan Madera. A lost generation would be a disaster.

As usual, Ferdinand Feghoot saved the day. He suggested that they search Queen Madera's nasal cavities and, therein, the missing larvae were found. When asked how he knew to make such a fortuitous suggestion, Feghoot replied that he remembered an old medical warning -- that high altitudes are frequently conducive to nose breeds.

[WA5KRP]

In a Texas A&M Poli-Sci class the students were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.



They are simple:



The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of age.



One girl in the class started complaining about how unfair the requirement to be a natural born citizen was.



In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.



The instructor and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?'


Gig 'em!

[W2LYS]

There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car when towards nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name, The Even Steven.

Since it was located in the middle of a desolate stretch of country, and he didn't know how much farther the next place would be, he decided to stop there for the night, He registered his occupation as a bookmaker, and decided to satisfy his curiosity about the name at the same time.

"It's very simple, really," the proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven. I thought if might get a few folks puzzled enough to stop and ask questions, and sometimes it does."

"That's a pretty smart way to use the luck of a name," said the bookie, appreciatively. "I bet it brings you a lot of business."

"It hasn't brought me so much luck," he said. "The folks who stop here don't stay long. There's not much gaiety around here, as you could see. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go."

"Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower. And worse still for my daughters. Three of the loveliest girls you ever set eyes on, should have their pick of boy friends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened to more in the same vein until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food.

An excellent home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even, and when he was finished she still kept pressing him to ask for anything else he wanted. Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?"

"Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day and I feel like closing the book."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breath-taking brunette came in.

"I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if you'd got everything you want."

"I think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a lot of traveling, so I pack very systematically."

When he had finally convinced her and gotten rid of her, he climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep over the Racing Form when the door opened again to admit an utterly gorgeous redhead in a negligee to end all negligees.

"I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable."

"It is," he assured her.

"I hope you're not just being tactful," she insisted. "May I try it, myself?"

"If you must," said the bookie primly. "I will get out while you do it."

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's the matter with you," he roared. "I've got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient. "But I told you when I registered that I'm a professional bookmaker. ... I only lay Odds."

[W2LYS]

In the 17th and 18th centuries, the courts of Europe were wont to maintain and support musical ensembles of various sizes and qualities. During those days, much wonderful music for strings was being written and played. As a result, players of stringed instruments were in demand and commanded higher compensation than many others.

As is often the case, some musicians used their extra prestige and money to buy things that would help to enhance their reputations, which brings me to the hero of this tale.

Harold O'Day was a wood carver of some skill and renown. In particular, he was known far and wide for the elaborate carved scrollwork used in violins. They were of great beauty, truly marvels to behold.

Upon seeing the quality of O'Day's work, violinists clamored for instrument ornamented in this fashion. Alas, while his work was truly wondrous, he was not a musician, nor was he as skilled at violin making as he was at carving. It seemed that the scrollwork he carved had an unpleasant side effect, causing middle C to lack the resonance and timbre of the rest of the scale.

Unfortunately, this characteristic was not noticed soon enough. Several violinists accepted delivery of new instruments just before a concert for the King of Mundavia. Pressed for time, but being unwilling to let their marvelous new violins stand idle, the instruments were used in the concert.

Things began well enough. The chamber orchestra soaring through a piece written especially for the occasion by P.D.Q. Bach (Johann's least illustrious son), bringing smiles from the assembled nobility. Just as things looked best, though, the score called for a passage centered around middle C, with horrible results.

The King sprang to his feet, and demanded an end to the violins.

(Bet you saw that one coming. Read on)

Because of this unfortunate incident, O'Day is known in some musical circles to this very day as the man who wrought the dead C scrolls.

[WA5KRP]

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads him to a another cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

"I didn't."

[W2LYS]

Although mankind has always been prone to violence, a treaty was enacted in the third millennium which expressly banned all explosives. Naturally, the next World War was fought with biological weapons. Unfortunately, all humanity was exterminated.

There remained in the North American continent, a vault which housed experimental chickens. Being sealed from all exposure until after danger passed, two of the hens managed to survive. Being the result of DNA mutation experiments, they were both quite intelligent.

The Leghorn was an avid reader and experimenter by nature but the Rhode Island Red was a only interested in the latest fashions in clothing. Unfortunately they argued constantly. Because of their different viewpoints, they just could not get along.

Finally the Leghorn solved the problem. Shortly before the War, Route 66 had been reconstructed, dividing the entire continent in half. The Leghorn took the southern half of America and the Rhode Island Red the north half.

This worked well until winter. When things got cold, the Leghorn read the proper books and learned how to build a fire. The Rhode Island Red found herself slowly freezing to death. What could she do? Her solution? During the dark of night, she crept into the Leghorn's camp and killed her. Then she took the skin and feathers and made a stylish chicken feather coat.

Finally, at the very sunset of earth's history, the question that has plagued mankind over the centuries was answered.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

She wanted to get to the other's hide!

[WA5KRP]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked,
"Are all of those your kids?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[WB3JLA]

Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few
at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he
sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it and realizes almost too late that there is
yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and
discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course,
causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings
his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks
him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer
stops him mid-sentence and says, "Fer Chris-sakes, Paddy, that's
yer air freshener!"

[m3wfo]

one slug said to the snail alright m8 nice crash helmet!!!:)

[N3IDT]

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?”……………”No” says the psychic, “in a Biology class.”

[W2LYS]

Believe it or not, the world's fiercest, most violent motorcycle gang resides in Switzerland. This gang engages in so much wanton violence that it could open a Chinese restaurant. The gang can be identified by its distinctive tattoo. Each gang member inscribes on his arm the name of the Swiss city in which the gang was founded and the name of the city in southern France to which this evil crew frequently repairs for its mayhem-wreaking. Therefore, the tattoo reads: Bern-Toulouse.

[WA5KRP]

http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/darthbrother.jpg

[N3IDT]

"After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive',

Barrack Hussein Obama has now been telling everyone he will capture

Osama Bin Laden when elected.



So, Osama himself decided to send Barrack Hussein Obama letter in his

own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.



Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:



370H-SSV-0773H



Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean.



Dean and the DNC and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to

Joe Biden.



Joe Biden could not solve so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA.



Eventually they asked John McCain and his Staff to look at it.



And within a minutes McCain's Staff e-mailed Obama with this reply:

'Tell

Obama he's holding the message upside down'.

[WA5KRP]

TRIED THIS IN MY SHOWER - DIDN'T WORK (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HeUixe_Lpg&eurl=http://markstechnologynews.blogspot.com/2008/08/video-amazing-fountain-creates-images.html)

[WF7A]

TRIED THIS IN MY SHOWER - DIDN'T WORK (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HeUixe_Lpg&eurl=http://markstechnologynews.blogspot.com/2008/08/video-amazing-fountain-creates-images.html)

That was fun, but now I have to go pee. :S

[W2LYS]

In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best idea to deliver a complimentary 825-pound vat of grits to the Song of the South Choir Festival, thought Alton Harley Scruggs III, owner of the Spartanburg, South Carolina based True Grits diner chain, especially after surveying the havoc that ensued when the balsa wood bargain he'd bought for $55.17 at Pat's Discount Vats failed to contain its edible cargo, spewing it onto the stage like Prestone from a busted radiator; yet, happily, the contest went on anyway, and everyone ended up singing in hominy.

[K7RQ]

A guy answered an ad in the paper offering a cruise to the Bahamas for $50. He called and a travel agent said it was indeed true, just bring in your $50 cash and you can leave right away. So he went to the place and put his cash on the counter. Immediately a big guy with a club came up behind him and conked him on the head, knocking him cold. When he came to, he found himself strapped to an inner tube, out in the ocean, drifting in the general direction of the Bahamas. Some hours later he drifted near another guy who was also floating on a tube. "Hi, there!" he said. "Are you going to the Bahamas too?"
"Yep, sure am."
"I'm getting pretty hungry. Do they serve food on this cruise?"
"I don't think so. At least they didn't last year."

[W2LYS]

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But, he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

[ab8ma]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
almost dead?


____________ _________ _________ _____




Why
do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is
not enough money?



____________ _________ _________ _____

Why does someone

Believe you when you say there are four billion stars;
but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?



____________ _________ _________ _____



Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


____________ _________ _________ _____



Why does Superman stop bullets with
his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?



____________ _________ _________ _____



Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



____________ _________ _________ _____







____________ _________ _________ _____



If
people evolved from apes,

Why are there still
apes?



____________ _________ _________ _____



Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?



____________ _________ _________ _____



Is
there ever a day that mattresses

Are not on sale?

____________ _________ _________ _____



Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?



____________ _________ _________ _____


Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

____________ _________ _________ _____



Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?


____________ _________ _________ _____



How do those dead bugs get into those
enclosed light fixtures?


____________ _________ _________ _____



When we are in the supermarket and
someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why
do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say,
'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

____________ _________ _________ _____



Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?



____________ _________ _________ _____



In winter why do we try to keep the
house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


____________ _________ _________ _____


How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

[WA5KRP]

Real websites with poor name planning....



1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity.
Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com




2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com



3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island'. It can be found at: www.penisland.net




4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com




5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at: www.powergenitalia.com



6.'IP computer' software: www.ip_anywhere.com




7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their website: www.speedofart.com

[W2LYS]

A Spaniard, Juan by name and not nature, fell in love with Carmencita, a most possessive girl. She had heard the gossip that his was a wandering eye, but it didn't surprise her because that trait was inherited from his primitive ancestors when they swung continually from limb to limb.

She decided there was only one way she could be certain her man would remain faithful until she could exchange the alter for the halter. By accompanying him everywhere, every waking moment, she became the village joke, but her vigilance was rewarded when she was able finally to wed her suitor without his ever once being unfaithful, a state of grace hitherto unheard of in all of Spain.

Everywhere she went, eager, enquiring maidens would ask her for the secret of her success, and her wise answer can be condensed to seven words: ... You always herd the Juan you love.

[W2LYS]

In the days when the British ruled much of the world and had many holdings in Africa, two hunters discussed each others' prowess at bagging wild game. Because neither would admit the other was the better hunter, they decided to make a wager. A gentleman's bet, the wager was not ostentatious, but merely a token involving victory. They decided that the first one to bag a lion and return to the village would receive two pints of bitter from the loser.

The first hunter gathered up his beaters and his bearers and packed the usual load for an extended trip into the savanna to hunt the elusive king of the jungle. After two weeks had passed, the hunter returned with the skin of a male lion.

The second hunter, deciding that it would be prudent to make use of the more modern methods hired a pilot to fly him about the country until they found a lion. Upon seeing one of the great beasts, the pilot dived down towards the animal while the hunter shot from the passenger seat. After the lion had been shot, they landed, skinned the lion and returned to the village after having been gone only an hour. The other hunter was forced to admit the second hunter was the better at bagging a lion and bought him the two rinks.

The moral of this story: The shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion.

[KW4MW]

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....him in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, lets pretend that we're married.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket.

After a moment of silence, he farted.



The End

[ab8ma]

Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner

[K7RQ]

Mike and Paddy were tilting a few pints at their favorite pub one day. Paddy noticed that Mike was looking around the room at the crowd with a far-away look in his eyes. He said, "Mike, you look like you're in deep thought. What's on yer mind?"
"Oh, I was just thinkin'. Y'know, I've had every woman in this village--exceptin' me mother and me sister, o'course."
And Paddy said, "Well, then, Mike, between us, we've had 'em all."

[W0MT]

A new college graduate wanted to learn all he could at his new job. So when he learned that his boss was hiring a new secretary, he asked if he could sit in to learn how it was done. His boss agreed. The first woman came in and the boss asked a series of questions about her qualifications and experience. After she answered all of the questions, the boss said he had just one more question, “What is one and one?” The woman answered, “One and one equals two.” The boss thanked her and after she left, the second woman came in to go through the same questions including, “What is one and one?” This woman answered, “If you put one and one together, you have eleven.” The boss thanked her and after she left, the third woman came in. The boss asked exactly the same questions including, “What is one and one?” This woman replied, “Well if you add them together, you have two but if you place them side by side you have eleven.” The boss thanked her and she left. Well the college graduate was impressed but he had to ask his boss the significance on the last question. The boss replied, “The answer from the first woman shows she has a mathematical mind. The answer from the second woman shows she has an artistic mind. The answer from the third woman shows she has a very versatile mind.” The graduate asked, “So which one do you hire?” The boss replies, “The one with the biggest t*ts!”