JOKE THREAD REDUX

[K7RQ]

Back when the Korean war began, the president of Korea, Syngman Rhee, feared for the safety of his family, so he arranged for his son, a journalist, to go to New York, where he was hired by Life magazine. Everyone liked him immediately; the staff all thought he was the sweetest man in the office. Then, one day he didn't show up for work. He didn't answer his phone and when a co-worker went to his home, no one was there. The management became very concerned and sent employees all over New York to try to locate him. After several days of fruitless searching, one of the other reporters went into a little Oriental restaurant on a back street and found him, calmly sitting at the counter, eating a bowl of noodles. Rushing up to him, she said, "Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life! At last I've found you!"

[WA5KRP]

The Sign


Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. They had just pounded a sign into the ground, that reads:

"The end is near! Turn yourself around now! Before it's too late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window giving the finger and yelling, "Get lost you religious fruit cakes!"

From the curve ahead there then followed the horrendous screeching of tires and the sickening thud of a vehicle landing in an abyss.

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

[KW4MW]

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.


The new wine will be marketed as:


PINO MORE

[W2LYS]

A fellow went to Julliard, studied composition. He wanted to be a composer, but after he graduated, he saw there was no future in it, so reluctantly he took the only music job he could find, which was as a singing teacher at a school for retarded children.

He very much liked working with these kids, and after the first few years he had developed a top-notch singing group. This group became famous and toured the country. In city after city, the little kids would sing and the people would applaud and the mayor would have them all over to his house for Coke, ice cream and cake.

Unfortunately after several months of this, the kids started getting fat. Their singing teacher knew they'd lose their popularity if they got fat, so he had to put a stop to it. he began telling the mayors and their hosts wherever they went on tour, "Look, I know the kids are cute and you want to do something nice for them, but they're getting a bit overweight, so if you want to give them a treat after the concert, give them a Tab, give them an apple, but please, no more ice cream and cake."

Wherever they toured, their hosts agreed to this mild request. And from then on they were known as the Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

[WA5KRP]

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem. I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch.'

[g3hge]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (KA4DPO @ July 28 2004,13:22)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Favorite Bumper sticker:

The reason Britts drink warm beer is because Lucas made their refridgerators.<span id='postcolor'>
The reason Brits don't make computers is that they haven't figured out how to make one leak oil.

(Love the Brits, honest!!!http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif[/QUOTE]

I tried some Hersheys chocolate the other day , Blimey ! , give me Cadbury`s any day . Just joshing .

[K7RQ]

A wealthy industrialist sold his business for a huge sum and decided to become a cattle baron. He bought a showplace ranch and populated it with prize-winning cows to be his brood stock. He then attended an auction in the UK where he bought the world champion bull of its breed to be his herd sire, and had the animal flown to the ranch at tremendous expense. The day came to use the bull for his assigned duty for the first time. He was introduced to a lovely young heifer but shrugged his shoulders and walked off and started grazing. The rancher was very upset and immediately got on the phone to the vet, who said not to worry, it was probably caused by recent hot weather. He said, "I'll stop by on the way home." He showed up with a bottle of pills, and said, "These are some very powerful hormones." He picked an apple off a tree, poked a hole in it, inserted a pill and fed it to the bull. He handed the bottle to the farmer and said, "If this doesn't work, give him another. I need to get home, but I'll stop by again tomorrow on my way home."
The next evening he again came by. The farmer said, "Boy, that is some strong hormone. You were hardly out of sight when that bull did a number on the heifer, and a couple more of my cows, and then went through the fence and got a few of my neighbor's cows, too! We had an awful time getting him onto the barn!"
"Yes, I thought that would do the trick. By the way, what did you do with the leftover pills?"
"Well, I didn't want tham to fall into the wrong hands, so I threw them down that old well over there." The vet said, "Oh my gosh, that could be bad! Has anyone drank any of the water?"
"Are you kidding? We can't even get the pump handle down!"

[g3hge]

A young gauche magician was finding it hard to make a living . He spent hours trying to think of a way to make some money . His landlady felt sorry for him and used to bring him home made cake to supplement his meagre diet . He noticed that the cake was always presented on a paper doilie which afterwards was thrown in the trash bin . This gave him an idea , why not make the doilies out of reusable aluminium . He went into production and soon received many overseas enquiries . News of his venture hit the local paper with the banner headline " Super callow fragile mystic exports ali doilies .

[W2LYS]

A creature rose up out of the surf and came sloshing ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, "and I am only going to sunbathe." The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato!! Have you ever seen a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

[W1GUH]

Back in the 50's a guy joined the Army. When he got to the part of the application where they wanted to know his current occupation, he thought for a moment and wrote down "Giant Cush Maker." The recruiting officer saw it and didn't have a clue what that was, but the candidate was well qualified in every other way so he let it slide.

Nobody noticed this during boot camp, which he went through with flying colors, but when it came time to figure out where to assign him, the question came up again. The decision kept getting bumped up the chain of command until the top brass of the base were faced with the decision. Since none of them had a clue what a Giant Cush Maker was, but of course couldn't admit it, the hatched a scheme where they could figure out what the heck the guy did.

They told him that he could have anything he wanted and needed to make a Giant Cush. Well, the guy wasn't dumb and knew a good thing when he saw it, so he agreed and outlined what he was going to need, including luxury private accommodations in his own trailer, great food and grog, women, the whole nine yards.

The brass had no choice but to accommodate him, after all, they really, really needed to know what a Giant Cush was.

Well, the guy got a away with it for a while, but as time wore on the brass got impatient and started really pressuring him to produce. He soon came to realize that the jig is up (http://www.cbc.ca/news/indepth/words/gigjig.html), and decided what to do. He annonuced that he would produce a Giant Cush one month from the day of the announcement, and did it with a flair that got the whole base buzzing about exactly what he was going to do. Three weeks before Giant Cush Day he started making claims about how amazed everyone was going to be and started making arrangements for bleachers and VIP seats to be set up outside his door.

Two weeks before he announced what protective gear and other fashions the audience was to wear.

One week before he ordered catered food and drink for the audience.

And then it was the BIG DAY. Of course there was a festive atmosphere on the whole base, and everyone who could had procured a ticket to the event. The brass got dressed up in their finest garb and donned the special protective equipment that the guy had recommended. The band had been rehearsing a special concert for the day and at 1:00 PM sharp they began playing. Finally, at 3:00 PM, the band stopped and the General of the base gave a long-winded speech about the greatness of what everyone was about to witness and how it was a product of good old Yankee Ingenuity. A few lesser persons spoke, and a 4:00 PM, the guy emerged from his trailer to be greeted by thunderous applause. He waited for the noise to die down, then asked for a large vat of water to be brought to his door. His request was duly carried out, and when he had examined it and was satisfied that all was as it should be he again disappeared inside. About 15 minutes later, he emerged with a white-hot piece of steel in a large set of tongs. The crowd was hushed and all were wondering what what going to happen. Finally, the guy dropped it into the large vat of water, thus producing a

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GIANT CUUUUUUSSSSSSHHHHH!!!!!!

:p

[W2LYS]

When good old Chief Shortcake died, the whole tribe mourned and the lamentations of his faithful squaw were heard for miles around. Neighboring chiefs arrived in full pomp and ceremony and announced, "We come to make funeral for Chief Shortcake."

"Not on your life," announced his widow, "Squaw bury Shortcake!"

[K4JSR]

You "INJUN-EARED" that PUn! :)
And I said that without any reservation!
73, Cal K4JSR

[WA5KRP]

From a Danish Friend :


'We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?'


Kermit Selvig



(Like.........duh)

[W2LYS]

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater. I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.

So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong's again. Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge. And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater.

In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain. The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday.

So on Friday I went back to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.

The Moral: Two Wongs cannot make a white."

[W1GUH]

A man once took in a pair of shoes to be repaired. As it happened, he got very busy for the next few weeks and forgot all about those shoes. Years later he came across the claim check, that he thought certainly was worthless by then. But, just in case, it took it to the cobbler who had his shoes. He apologized about being so tardy as the shopkeeper took the claim check, looked at it, and said, "Tuesday."

[K7RQ]

Q: Which of King Arthur's knights invented the Round Table?



A: Sir Cumference.

[WA5KRP]

Q: Which of King Arthur's knights invented the Round Table?



A: Sir Cumference.



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v512/jakebogdan/root/january/carson-carnac.jpg

[W2LYS]

Once upon a time, about 4000 years ago, a great army of Kurds (from Kurdistan in Iraq) swept across the Middle East, conquering vast areas of land. They pushed westward until they reached what is the present state of Israel. There, they met staunch resistance from a small tribe of mountain dwellers called the Yerms. The Yerms were wonderful archers. They would simply wait in the hills until the Kurds passed through the valleys below, then they would shower the Kurdish soldiers with hundreds of arrows. For defense, the Yerms built a series of underground tunnels in which they could seek refuge whenever they were threatened.

After a long struggle, the Yerms were finally defeated, and the Kurds conquered the land. There was one Yerm, however, who had not given up. He decided to exact revenge. The Kurdish King had set up his capitol in Jerusalem, a city dominated by hills on the East. Through these hills there was only one narrow pass providing easy passage to Kurdistan. The last remaining Yerm guarded the pass and shot everyone who tried to get through. When the Kurdish soldiers came after him, he simply scuttled into one of the tunnels the Yerms had dug and escaped.

This distressed the King of the Kurds. Because of one lowly Yerm, no important messages or emissaries could pass through from his kingdoms in the East. The King had his military leaders identify the scrawniest, fastest soldier in the army. He called the man to his throne room one day and told him to go into the hills alone at night, sneak into the Yerm's tunnels and capture that one last remaining Yerm. The soldier went out that very night, but never returned.

The King then identified and commissioned his second scrawniest soldier to attempt the same thing. That second scrawny soldier was never seen again. For weeks, the King kept sending out his dwindling supply of scrawny soldiers but none ever returned.

The King had become terribly discouraged when, one day, a big, burly soldier appeared before him and claimed he could capture the Yerm. The King doubted the wisdom of the move, but in his desperation he directed the big Kurd to find and capture the wily Yerm.

The next morning, bright and early, the King was awakened by the return of the soldier who marched into the palace with the Yerm slung over his shoulder. The delighted King promptly promoted the Kurd to captain of the guard, and, as was Kurdish custom, made the Yerm his personal man-servant.

As the new captain turned to leave, the King stopped him and asked, "Captain, how did you capture the Yerm?"

The big, burly soldier responded, "Sire, everyone knows that the burly Kurd catches the Yerm!"

[WA5KRP]

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.


- Dennis Miller

[W2LYS]

A friend and I were standing inside a building of a local theme park. We were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10", 90lbs). My friend joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked at my friend and said, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"

[K7RQ]

An elderly man brought a prescription for Viagra to the pharmacy. When the pharmacist brought out the bottle of pills, the customer said, "Would you please cut each pill into four pieces?"
The pharmacist said, "Sir, I don't think such a small dose would be effective."
"Well, I just want it to work enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

[W2LYS]

A lion was prancing through the jungle one day, roaring at the top of his voice for all to hear, "I am king of the jungle, for my mighty strength and great prowess strike fear into all other creatures!"

An eagle lands on a nearby tree branch and says, "Not so fast, Leo, buddy!" "For it is I who am the rightful king of the jungle, as my wings enable me to attack from above, and my beak and talons rip my victims to shreds!"

Whereupon, a skunk walks calmly out of the trees. Approaching the ferocious feline and the fearful flighted one, he meekly says, "You're BOTH wrong! Needing neither fight nor flight, I disable my would-be opponents most skillfully! Wanna sniff?"

And the three animals busily engaged in a heated argument over who was the rightful king of the jungle. While they were arguing, oblivious to their surroundings, a huge grizzly bear walked up and eats them all -- hawk, lion, and stinker.

[K7FE]

Subject: Roping a Deer

(Names have been removed to protect the stupid!) Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.........

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much
fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away),
it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. .a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
threw.. ..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action
when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing
out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At thatmoment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared
some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get
it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head
--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing
to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.

This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a
horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it
hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why, when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey...

[W2LYS]

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, the population was declining at an alarming rate. Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a toss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said Jim.

"Yes," said Tom. "They need mono-sodium glue to mate!"

[WA5KRP]

A doctor met an electrition....


http://visualfunhouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/viagra_add.jpg

[W2LYS]

The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse that what was being done at that time.

In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.

They believed that:

Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus.

[WA5KRP]

http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/familyfunday.jpg

[W2LYS]

Randy, smiling mischievously, sits down by the fire and begins to spin a tale:

You see, the place where I grew up in Central New York State was serious farming country -- apple, dairy, and other fruits such as berries were the biggest items.

Well, there was one farmer, name of Mayne, who consistently won the state prizes for the best milk and milk products. He was quite successful financially, and his farm was large enough that he needed a small helicopter to get around it.

One day, some officials from the State Dairy Board dropped in to talk to him. The Chairman, his Assistant, and Mr. Mayne all got in the helicopter and took a flying tour of the pastures.

As they were flying by, the Chairman noted that despite the huge acreage, many of the cows were congregated in one pasture, whose ground cover was much darker green than the rest. The Chairman asked about this, and Mr. Mayne replied "Oh, yes. That's part of my secret, you see. Some years ago I bought out part of the land belonging to one of my neighbors, who was a fruit farmer. Anyway, he'd planted strawberries, and I just let the cows eat them, intending to replant later. Well, the cows that had been pastured out there produced much more milk, and of higher quality, that I planted more berries for them to eat, and you have seen the results."

The Chairman nodded, and said "I should have realized that -- it makes sense: strawberry fields for heifer."

[W2LYS]

A Teriyaki Sauce created by a Chinese girl and a Jewish boy?

http://www.austinchronicle.com/binary/fc02ea0f/food_feature-36006.jpeg

And it's even Kosher!

http://www.soyvay.com/index.php

[WA5KRP]

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.


-W. C. Fields

[kj4cch]

there once were three men on a magical moutain.And if you jumped of you could become what ever you yelled as you were falling.
the first man jumped of and yelled"i want to be an egle".bang he turnes into a egle and sreads his wings and soard away.
thr second man jumped and yelled"i want to be a buket of money".boom he hits the floor as a buket with some money in it.
the last man gos to jump and trips on a rock and yells"crap"and then he turns into a pile of dog crap.:cool:

[W2LYS]

Tornado Alley! Parts of North Texas, moving through Oklahoma, and into Kansas. The twisters will blow and cause large amounts of damage. As it happens, a particularly large cyclone picked up the contents of a fish pond and some houses, and carried them all away. Also as it happens, one of the creatures that was carried away was a common pond toad. He flew through the air for several hours, a trip which only came to an end when he fell, plop, into a gallon of yellow paint.

The toad crawled out and tried to clean himself up. The paint all came off except for that on his private parts, and that seemed to be a permanent addition. Disaster! The paint would lead to the demise of the love life of any self-respecting toad, so it had to come off.

Seeking help, he turned to a local witch, Glinda the Good. By now, you know we are in the Land of Oz, of course, and Glinda indicated that the toad must travel to see the Wizard, since only one so powerful could be expected to help. Glinda gave very explicit, detailed directions to the toad, and away he hopped to find the Wizard.

Immediately thereafter, a little girl and her dog came to see Glinda. They wanted to go home back to Kansas. Immediately afterward came a scarecrow seeking adequate cerebral function, a lion seeking intestinal fortitude, and a metallic man wanting a cardiovascular system. The nearest thing to the needed travel agent and transplant physician was the Wizard, of course.

By now, Glinda was becoming exasperated with all the unexpected traffic and questions. Instead of giving individual directions, she instructed all the people who came to question her in these words that soon became world famous, "Follow the yellow-d@%# toad!"

[K7RQ]

A woman called her young married daughter one morning and said, "Hi, sweetie, how's your day going?" Nearly in tears, she said, "Oh mom! It's terrible! The house is full of dirty laundry and the baby was fussy all night so I got almost no sleep, and my wonderful husband just phoned to say he has invited his boss and his wife for dinner tomight, and I don't know what I'm going to do!"
"Tell you what, honey. I'll come over. I'll pick up some groceries on the way. I'll do your wash and mind the baby while you take a nice nap and I'll cook a nice dinner that will impress Bob's boss. How about that?"
"Did you say BOB'S boss?"
"Why, yes. Isn't this 651-4114? Becky?"
"No, this is Cindy at 651-4141."
"Oh my gosh! I dialed the wrong number! I's so sorry!"
After a pause, Cindy said, "Does trhis mean you aren't coming over?"

[W2LYS]

Once upon a time there was a magical Polynesian kingdom, whose happy subjects were content to live in grass huts and take their living from their lagoon. They thanked their god-king, whose powers derived from his golden throne, for the sea's largesse.

But one day a disgruntled and greedy villager thought to steal the golden throne, sell it to the strange foreign visitors when next they landed in their great ships, and use the proceeds to set himself up in a nice little restaurant business in San Francisco.

In the dark of night he made off with the magical royal seat and concealed it in his hut, to await his opportunity. Feeling pleased, he proceeded to drink himself into a stupor while watching the flickering candlelight gleam off his prize. By ill luck, as he lost consciousness he knocked over the candle, which ignited the grass hut, burnt the unfortunate thief to cinders and exposed the plot and the stolen booty to the morning light.

Moral: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

[W2LYS]

"Jalapeno, Jalapeno, Jalapeno, Jalapeno." I've discovered a wonderful
new philosophy that has raised my consciousness as well as my
cholesterol. It's called Tex-Mexistentialism.

It all started with the philosopher Juan-Paul Salsa, who wrote, "To
Bean, or Nacho to Bean, that is the Queso."

He was followed by his great disciple, Descarta Blanca, who said, "I
Pinto, therefore, Cayenne."

Some trace it to ancient Grease, where the great thinker Aristortilla
wrote the book Plata's RePulpo.

Meanwhile, over in ancient India, they believed in Chili con Karma -
that what Casa round, Carne's around.

And back in the Holy Land, The prophet Masa brought The Ten Comidas:

"Thou Salt not Tequila."
"Honor Tamale and thy Papaya."
"Blessed are the Migas, for they shall Ranchero the Burps."
"Give a man an Enchilada, he'll Taco Mole."
"Arroz is Arroz by Flameada name."
"In the Picante, Guisada Cerveza'd the Hongas and the Verde. And he
saw that it was Food."

I'd like to close by reciting The Lard's Prayer:

"Our Fajita, who art in Huevos,
Pollo'd be Muy Bueno.
Thy Corona come, thy Chili be Con, on Cuervo it is El Jefe.
Forgive us our Tres Amigos, as we forgive those who Seis Salsas
against us.
Lettuce not into Tomatillo, but Nuevo us from Fritos.
For thine is the Gringo, the Agua and the Chorizo.
In the name of the Flauta, and of the Flan, and of the Frijole ghost.
A-Menudo."

[KW4MW]

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with
battery."

The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

[N9LCD]

A blond went into a restaurant and ordered "leftovers".

Because that's what she always ate at her freinds' houses!!!!


Jerry

N9LCD

[N9LCD]

A blond went to the DMV to take her driver's test. She so bad that she got three tickets just on the written part!

Jerry

N9LCD

[W1GUH]

A man once went into an eatery and ordered a hamburger and a cup of coffee. The coffee came and he took a sip and it was the best cup of coffee he'd ever had in his life. He couldn't wait for the hamburger. Well that came and he bit into it with relish, only to wind up with a mouthful of black, greasy, wiry hair! Yeccch!

Well, he was a reasonable man and figured that any place can have a bad day, so the next week he went into the same place and again ordered a hamburger and a cup of coffee. The coffee was even better that the previous week, and, once again, he anticipated a really good hamburger. But no, it was the same as the week before. It was loaded with black, greasy, wiry hair! Double Yecch!!!!

The next week he figured he'd get to the bottom of this, so he went back in and ordered a hamburger and a cup of coffee. The coffee was even better than before. But, as with the two previous trips the hamburger was loaded with black, greasy, wiry hair.

So he goes up to the waitress and told her that he was a health inspector and demanded to inspect how the hamburgers were made. She took him back to the kitchen and there he saw some big, sweaty dude rolling the chopped meat into balls and flattening them in his armpit. When the guy got over gagging over seeing that, he ripped the waitress apart. How can you do this! Do you have any idea how unsanitary and just plain gross that is?

The waitress replied,

"If you think that's bad, you should see how we make our doughnuts!"

[ab8ma]

The Center for Disease Control has issued an urgent medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that may be transmitted orally, by hand, and even by electronic mail!

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus will completely wipe out your private life and severely impact your ability to pursue sporting endeavors.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave your premises.. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK has ruined your life….

[W2LYS]

"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."

Gearly beloved,
we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door,
who art in Half-ton.

I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger,
He was Tempo'd by the DeVille,
And he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.

He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall,
But turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."

He ate the Last Supra,
And he climbed the mount of Cavalier,
Where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.
But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.

Let us Prelude:

Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible,
In the 23rd Saab,

"The Ford is my Chauffeur.
I shall not Walk.
He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.
Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart,
I shall Fiero no Eagle.
Subaru Goodwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me
Audi Daytonas of my life,
And I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean,
Four-cylinder."

Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!

[K7RQ]

The pastor of a church went to call on a member of his congregation who was gravely ill in the hospital. Entering the room, he found several family members present also. The patient had a respirator in his throat, so he couldn't speak, but when he saw the minister, he motioned him to come to the edge of the bed, then immediately, by hand signals, asked for a paper and pencil, which the pastor handed him. He wrote something quickly on the pad, and then suddenly expired. In the following confusion, as he tried to comfort the grieving family, the pastor put the paper into his pocket and forgot about it.
Several days later he was delivering the eulogy at the man's funeral, and happened to be wearing the same suit. He put his hand into his coat pocket and found the forgotten note. Interrupting his eulogy, he showed the paper to the crowd. He said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have here Charlie's last words on earth," and he told of the scene in the hospital room the day Charlie died. He said, "Now we will hear together Charlie's last thoughts as he entered the gates of Heaven." Opening the note, he read, "You're standing on my oxygen hose!"

[W2LYS]

Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.

When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun.

In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.

The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed -- either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.

When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.

And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

[W2LYS]

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing "Beethoven's Ninth" under the baton of Milton Katims....

At this point, you must understand two things: First, there's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do, not a single note for page after page. Second, there used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, a place rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing, if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So, they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

Katims was furious! And why not? After all, It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

[W2LYS]

A successful businessman had created a large firm.

He had two sons - a skinny fellow named Nird, and a big burly son named Ird.

On his deathbed, the businessman made his final will and left all his assets to Ird.

The moral? It's the Burly Ird that gets the Firm.

[K4JSR]

Happy people do not get sick as often as unhappy people.

This only proves the adage "The surly bird gets the germ". :cool:

[W2LYS]

Christina, a most beautiful child, was born an albino. As an adult, she was even more spectacular. The effect was most intriguing, silver-white skin, almost argent in its nature. Everyone loved her -- except for Ronald, who, we must confess had a deep streak of prejudice against the extraordinary. And, as it always happens, she fell deeply, madly in love with Ronald.

Against the advice of all those who had her best interests at heart, Tina decided to try tanning as a method to darken her silver skin. She was warned about the dangers, especially the long-term effects of ultraviolet radiation on skin lacking melanin. She was adamant. "I'll get a tan and win my man," bravely, she proclaimed her mantra.

Just in the nick of time, a wandering fit of conscience finally caught up with the odious Ronald. He expressed his contrition when he told his love-to-be, "Don't fry for me, Argent Tina!"

[W2LYS]

If you love salmon the way I do, raw (Sushi), lox (smoked), poached, grilled, barbecued, in salads, then you might be interested in how salmon spawn. As you may know, they swim upstream. In fact, before they became threatened as a species, one could go salmon fishing during the salmon runs. My dad used to do that every year and we were the happy beneficiaries of the ease with which he could catch them. Well, that vulnerability turned out to be an error in calculation on the part of the salmon. You see, once upon a time, salmon used to only swim upstream during night hours. At night, they could not be seen as well. However, one particularly observant salmon noticed that most creatures, including the fishes' greatest enemies, fisher birds, slept at night and hunted during the day. So, the Salmon Council was drawn together and this particularly observant fish presented his observations. It was decided, on the basis of this very persuasive argument, to call a vote to decide whether the salmon should rest during the day, as they always had, or rest at night. You can guess what happened. When the presiding fish asked, "When should we rest?", salmon chanted, "evening."

[WA5KRP]

http://growabrain.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/can_of_whoopass.jpg

[W2LYS]

It happened in Seattle. Yes, it really did. It occurred in the land of Bill And The Evil Empire, and the telling of the tale is almost as bad as to original event - pure horror, pure terror.

It took an unlucky combination of people meeting together in one of the Microsoft executive suites. First, there were the Scotlanders recently responsible for the cloning of the sheep. In addition, the group was blessed with Chrysler Motors ex-CEO, Lee Iacocca, and with the famous vampire, Count Dracula.

Oh, the pain, oh the difficulty of sitting down. DNA was taken from both Iacocca and Drac and the DNAs were combined into the empty ovum of a Microsoft executive. The fertilized ovum was implanted in a conscripted volunteer, and after nine months, the conceptus came fully to term. Thus, it was born (gag, wretch), now we have the explanation -- AUTOEXEC.BAT.

[wv6z]

http://growabrain.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/can_of_whoopass.jpg

Bloody brilliant! :D

[WA5KRP]

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over there.'

The water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step.

The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!

[W2LYS]

It is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive budget constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe.

**Voice from the back** "How severe was it?"

It was so terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in the large kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the situation?

"We all live in a Jello-Tub, Marine."

[WA5KRP]

From a German parade:


http://bp2.blogger.com/_Zn_VEdouxyg/R_EMIf7WaII/AAAAAAAAAB0/n2rhqQSnhpA/s320/image001.jpg


So help me, I can't recall ever seeing Hillary in a pink dress with Mini Mouse shoes.....


WA5KRP
Texas

[KE5TJA]

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

[KE5TJA]

It's A Boy...

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[KE5TJA]

Three Guys In A Truck

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."

[K7RQ]

Many years ago, before sliced bread was available, a baker came to America and set up a small bakery shop in New York City. He baked wonderful bread and cut it into slices. It really caught on, and his sales increased steadily. It became too time-consuming to slice each loaf, so, after watching a butcher at his work one day, he bought a meat cleaver and chopped the bread into slices. But more and more customers bought his bread, and one day he found a meat cleaver witrh an extra long blade, so then he could cut up two loaves at a time. But even that soon wasn't enough to keep up with the the demand, and he looked and looked for an even longer blade. One day he was looking in an out-of-the-way second-hand store and found just what he was looking for--a cleaver that was twice as long as the one he was using. In great joy, he said, "This is my lucky day! I've found a four-loaf cleaver!"

[W2LYS]

Ah, I think I remember this base. It was quite far from "civilization" with the obvious result that the troops were forced to entertain themselves to a large extent. One of the more popular pastimes was cardplaying. A large number of groups met regularly to indulge themselves. Bridge, poker, and spades were played, but the most popular game by far was hearts.

It happened that a few of the NCOs were not well liked by the troops. One in particular was cordially hated. As a result, he was uniformly _not_ invited to any of the card sessions.

When he mentioned this to the CO, that worthy decided to put a stop to the whole business with the following directive: Sgt. Pepper's lonely. Hearts club banned.

[W2LYS]

A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper, as were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.

Of course, he was soon arrested for rustlin'....

[WA5KRP]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the
plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why
the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was
a Drug Enforcement Agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His
name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said,
"Watch this."

He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along
the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for
several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on
the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the
man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making
a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when
we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab
sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The
agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note
of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said the passenger.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up
and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and
then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was
really stunned by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why
a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent,
"What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

[W2LYS]

In light of NASA's highly successful landing of another Mars probe,
don't you imagine other nations with less-than-stellar space programs
are today experiencing a bit of Phoenix envy?

[W2LYS]

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Boston and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Celtics fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Celtics fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

"Because I'm not a Celtics fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you're not a Celtics fan, then who do you support?'

'I'm a Spurs fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why are you a Spurs fan?'

'Because my mom and dad are from San Antonio and my mom is a Spurs fan and my dad is a Spurs fan, so I'm a Spurs fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that's no reason for you to be a Spurs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief? What would you be then?'

Mary said, 'I'd be a Lakers fan.'

[K4JSR]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejesus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.'

[WA5KRP]

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."

[W2LYS]

Probably, it is time to tell you a story that originates more from my profession than do many other shaggy dogs. It is a little known fact that a pharmacist was responsible for saving the career of that creator of really weird, surrealist paintings, Salvador Dali. It seems that the artist accidently poured boiling water on his drawing hand and immediately sought help at the local pharmacy.

"What is the name of that medicinal plant that is good to treat burns?"

Our hero replied, "Aloe, Dali."

[WA5KRP]

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Bob

[WA5KRP]

Teacher: "Maria, come up to the map and show the class where North America is located."

Maria: "Here it is."

Teacher: "You are correct. Now class, tell me who discovered North America."

Class: "Maria."

[WA5KRP]

LOGOS GONE WRONG........



http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/badlogo4.jpg


http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/badlogo1.jpg


http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/badlogo2.jpg


http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/badlogo5.jpg

[W2LYS]

As spring migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip North, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the flight attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead armadillos. "Do you wish to check the armadillos through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

[W8NSI]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!'

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'I don't remember much after that ' :D

[K7RQ]

A guy showed up at the hospital emergency room with both ears badly burned. While treating him, the doctor asked him how it happened. He replied, "Well, I'm single and live alone. I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang. I absent-mindedly picked the hot iron up and put it to my ear instead of the phone."
"Wow!" said the doc. But how did you burn the other ear?"
"Well, I had to call an ambulance..."

[ve2nsm]

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Bob

Hey, I loved this style! reminds me of another one:
:D

Why men don't write advice columns...
Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Walter

[WB3JLA]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line, Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla
of yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'

MY SITE

http://www.geocities.com/insp/SUPRO6420.html

[WA5KRP]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

[WB3JLA]

AN INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON



Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.



Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of
it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails)
is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that
gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and
English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first
rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who
built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for
building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would
break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because
that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built
the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their
legions. The roads have been used ever since. ;

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the
initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying
their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome ,
they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the
United States standard railroad! gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived
from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up
with it?' you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were
made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.
(Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:



When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad,
there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel
tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by
Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB's
would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be
shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.





The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a
tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad
track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.



So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably
the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two
thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being
a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost
everything.! and

CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

MY SITE
http://www.geocities.com/insp/SUPRO6420.html

[n9rzd]

three year old boy is taking a bath and exploring his body
while his mother watches

as he is checking himself out he handles his little wee wee and asks his Mother
"mom whats this?

she replies "thats your penis"

then he moves on to his nuts and asks his mom again

she replies " those are your testicles"

"oh " he said ,then "Mom, are these my brains ?

she replied "Not yet "

[WB3JLA]

Happy Hour In Texas

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas .
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
'Lord almighty' he says to himself,
'my three favorite things!!'


ENJOY THIS

http://www.jibjab.com/sendables/view/of0kLh1fh3eD3AGLQolcxg2F

MY SITE

http://www.geocities.com/insp/SUPRO6420.html

[K7RQ]

The Godfather

A crime boss was on his deathbed, He called in his favorite grandson and said, "Anthony, my boy, I'm gonna die soon, and I want you to have my .45 automatic to remember me by." The grandson said, "Gee, Grandpa, I'm really not a violent person. Could I please have your Rolex instead? I've always admired it and wished I had one of my own."
"Listen, kid," said the old man, "some day you will be wealthy. You will have a nice home, and a beautiful wife. And some day you will come home earlier than expected and go upstairs and find your wife in bed with some schmuck. And what will you do? Point to your damn Rolex and say, Time's up?"

[WA5KRP]

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

[K7RQ]

My brother swears this really happened when he was a fireman and EMT on the local ambulance crew. True or not, it makes a good story.
The ambulance crew got a call one night to a one-car accident. A lone driver had crashed his compact station wagon into the pillar of an overpass and was slumped over the wheel and motionless. The side doors of the car were jammed by the impact and the crew couldn't get them open quickly, so they sent the smallest guy on the team, a new member who hadn't yet gotten used to the sight of blood and gore, in through the rear gate to check on the driver. He immediately crawled back out, pale and shaken. He said, "That poor guy never had a chance. His brains are splattered all over the dash and windshield. I can't go back in there!" So one of the more experienced men went in and soon called out, "He's going to be okay. He was carrying a pizza on the front seat."

[WA5KRP]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

[WA5KRP]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man followed, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No !bleep!?'

[W2LYS]

Joseph Matt of Downers Grove, Ill, recalls a historic milestone of baseball that appeared in 1988 in "The Stirring Rod", the newsletter of the Chicago Chemists' Club. The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.

Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

[W2LYS]

I think my brother is crazy. All day long he makes lines of chick peas, black-eyed peas, english peas, and crowder peas. Then he just sits there and looks at them. When I asked him why, he said he was just minding his peas in queues.

[W2LYS]

After intensive investigation on both the Russian and US parts, both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. In terse statements at a recent press conference, Russian and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday: We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nation's team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident. The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only...

OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

[W2LYS]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born, but he is without torso, arms or legs. Nevertheless, the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father gives thanks to God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"

The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."


Well, as it happens, the very next year, the man had a daughter with the same exact problem - no torso, legs, or arms. And again, once his daughter was 21, he took her to the local Irish bar for a drink. On the first drink, her torso popped out. On the second, her arms. On the third, her legs. On the fourth drink, the man ended up with another son.

[W2LYS]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'M a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling animal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[WA5KRP]

Upon his 75th birthday, Willie Nelson observed, "I have outlived my d**k."


OHHHH MAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

[W2LYS]

Speak for yourself, KRP...

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a
hunting bow when he turned 12. On his birthday he unwrapped his gift
box revealing the long-sought-for bow. Yet Gordon was still
disappointed. "But dad, where are the arrows?" His cautious father
replied, "I never promised you arrows Gordon."

[WA5KRP]

http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/PS/8625~Beer-Cheaper-Than-Gas-Posters.jpg

[W2LYS]

There are some happy sciences (pathology, toxicology), but others are not so happy. A case in point concerns embryologists who tend to be a morose and saddened group. No wonder. One of the first things they learn is that our lives are ova before they've begun.

[WA5KRP]

DENNY CRANE FOR PRESIDENT! (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4082674417300070950&q=DENNY+CRANE+FOR+PRESIDENT&ei=QudZSPG-GZPs-gGu1ITwDg&hl=en)

[WB3JLA]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam.

MY SITE GUITAR STUFF

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[WB3JLA]

wrong thread

[WA5KRP]

Looking at the math of the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce, after 5 years of marriage he paid her $49 million. Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship it ends up costing him $26,849 per thrill, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right? But...had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years - a savings of $41M+.

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching, complaining, or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost with no legal fees.

Isn't is fair to say it is better to rent?

[WA6CAW]

A plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to ther seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The Pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asks him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."

[WA6CAW]

The following are all actual quotes from 11 year-olds' science exams:


"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

[K7RQ]

A little old lady looked out her window one day and was surprised to see a flock of male dogs in her yard in amorous pursuit of a female. She called the police and told the duty sergeant, "Officer, there are nine dogs out in my yard." The cop, thinking he would kid her a bit, said, "My goodness, are they mad dogs?"
She looked out the window again and said, "Well, right now seven of them are."

[W2LYS]

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July". He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O.B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth...

[W2LYS]

May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25322638/

http://www.motherjones.com/commentary/brodner/2007/07/Carlin_500x602.jpg

[WA5KRP]

MAGNESIUM SULFATE THE HARD WAY (http://rock103.com/pages/crew/twisted/play.html?filename=magnesium.wmv)

[WA5KRP]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new stewardess, a lovely girl fresh from the countryside of Tennessee. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[ab8ma]

Funniest T-Shirt Slogans
When it comes to broadcasting your philosophy of life, political opinions, or just a joke for the day, there's no better way than on a T-shirt. Just for grins and giggles, here are T-shirt slogans and sayings submitted by readers to Washington Post metro columnist Bob Levy:

The Joy of Sex

I Need Somebody Bad. Are You Somebody Bad?
At My Age, Getting Lucky Is Finding My Car in the Parking Lot
Remember When Sex Was Safe and Skydiving Was Dangerous?

The Battle of the Sexes

Men Are Like Grapes. If You Stomp on Them and Keep Them in the Dark Long Enough, They Might Turn Into Something That You Would Take to Dinner
My Wife Comes With Instructions -- Lots of Instructions
He Rules the Roost -- But I Rule the Rooster
(On the front) Randolph-Macon Woman's College (On the back) Not a Girls' School with No Men, but a Women's College with No Boys
Never Go to Bed Mad. Stay Up and Fight

Parenting Pearls of Wisdom

I Childproofed My House, But They Still Get In!
We Got Rid of the Kids -- The Cat Was Allergic
Got Pickles? (on a maternity shirt)
Don't Worry, Mom -- It's Just a Phase
You Spend the First Two Years of Their Lives Teaching Them to Walk and Talk -- and the Next 16 Telling Them to Sit Down and Shut Up

The Joy of Aging

(On the front) 60 Is Not Old . . . (On the back) If You're a Tree
I'm Still Hot -- It Just Comes in Flashes
I'm Not 50 -- I'm $49.95 Plus Tax
I Know I Came Into This Room for a Reason
Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

Feeling Stressed?

I Used to Have a Handle on Life, But It Broke
Out of My Mind. Back in Five Minutes
My Reality Check Just Bounced
Cancel My Subscription -- I Don't Need Your Issues
Dangerously Under-Medicated
Madness Takes Its Toll -- Please Have Exact Change

No Pain, No Gain

Every Time I Hear the Dirty Word 'Exercise' I Wash My Mouth Out With Chocolate
Physically Pffffft!

It's One of Those Days

Some Days You're the Pigeon, Some Days You're the Statue
Earth Is the Insane Asylum for the Universe
Life Is Short -- Make Fun of It

Travel Fun

Buckle Up. It Makes It Harder for the Aliens to Snatch You From Your Car
Hang Up and Drive
I Took the Road Less Traveled, and Now Where the Heck Am I?
Welcome to Tennessee -- Set Your Watch Back 20 Years

Good Advice

Use Vowels Every Day or You'll Get Consonated
Don't Hate Yourself in the Morning -- Sleep Till Noon

Ego-Boosters

I'm Not a Snob. I'm Just Better Than You Are
Live Your Life So That When You Die, the Preacher Will Not Have to Tell Lies at Your Funeral
If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing a Couple of Payments

Pets Rule

It's My Dog's World. I'm Just Here to Open Cans
Cats Regard People As Warm-Blooded Furniture
A Dog's Parents Never Visit

What's Your IQ?

Suppose You Were an Idiot...And Suppose You Were a Member of Congress...But I Repeat Myself
My Mind Works Like Lightning -- One Brilliant Flash and It's Gone
God Must Love Stupid People -- He Made So Many
I Have a Short Attention…

Making It Big In This World

I'm Destined for Greatness -- I'm Just Pacing Myself
I Was God's Gift to Women, But I Have Been Rewrapped and Placed on a Closet Shelf
I've Gone to Find Myself. If I Get Back Before I've Found Me, Please Keep Me Here

Bless Me, Father

Protons Have Mass! And I Didn't Even Know They Were Catholic
Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe in Gosh

Retirement

Retirement -- Twice as Much Husband for Half as Much Money
Before You Can Be Old and Wise, You Must First Be Young and Stupid
Retired -- I Was Tired Yesterday and I'm Tired Again Today
My Back Goes Out More Than I Do
Retired -- Know It All and Got Plenty of Time to Tell You About It

[K7RQ]

A friend of mine had a cute wife who worked in a bank. She had a long T-shirt which she wore to bed. It said, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."

[WA5KRP]

FREAK SHOW (http://www.break.com/index/ball-girl-makes-incredible-catch.html)

Left fielder and catcher say it all........


(Thanks to W2LYS for sharing)

[W2LYS]

There was once a trolley conductor, honest as the day was long, loyal, faithful and true, who married a young woman whom he truly loved. They lived together in a tiny apartment. They had little in the way of possessions, but a lot in the way of love. One of the things that got in the way of that love was the young bride's need for material things. The poor man was forced to get a part time job to pay for new furnishings, clothes, cars, jewelry etc etc etc. Things were very difficult for the poor guy. After a while, there was not enough money from the two jobs to support the style to which she had become accustomed, so she called him into her suite and said: "I'm afraid that you will have to come up with more money, or I will leave you." "However", she whispered, "I have a plan." "You will leave your second job, and will rely solely upon your work as a conductor, you will take one small penny from each fare. No one will notice, and we will be able to live as we like." As difficult as this was to accept, the young man agreed. Soon he was pocketing the pennies and life was good.

Gentle Reader, I'm sure you know what came next. There was not enough money in the pennies to satisfy the young bride's need. Soon the conductor was taking two cents. Then three. Then a nickel. Then six cents. then eight. At this time you must know that the fares were only a dime. Finally the poor young conductor was taking a dime out of each fare. The Transit Company became suspicious.

They hired a detective to ride the trolley and find out once and for all why there were no fares being turned in. The young man knew he was caught, gave up on the spot, was relieved of his duties as a conductor, and arrested.

The trial came swiftly as promised by the law of the land. The poor man was convicted and sentenced to death. Remanded to the State Prison to await his fate in the Electric Chair.

As he sat in his lonely cell, the bars looked as if they were stacks of pennies, nickels and dimes, the rattle of the dinner plates reminded him of the fares falling into the box. The bare cell made him think of the life of crime he had led for material gain. Finally they came for him. As he walked that last mile to the Death Chamber, he imagined that the footsteps sounded like bags of nickels and dimes and pennies being dropped on the floor, and tinkling of keys in the guards pockets was like the bell of the trolley off in the distance.

They arrived at their final destination, strapped him in the chair, backed into the observation room, where the warden pulled the switch. Nothing happened. Unfazed, the warden had all the power in the prison routed to the Death Chamber. He pulled the switch again. Nothing. A swift call to the Utility brought all the power in the State to bear upon this young man in the chair. Once again the switch was pulled. Once again nothing happened.

Finally the Governor himself strode into the Death Chamber, pulled the mask from the young man's face and demanded to know why he had been spared. The young man gazed into the Governor's eyes and said: "Do you think it is because I am a poor conductor?"

[n0ov]

A Cardiologist Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

[WA5KRP]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, by golly, fifty dollars is fifty dollars...."

[W2LYS]

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.

Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.

Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

[W2LYS]

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.

Few people have ever heard these words -- until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit, and has his name recorded in music history.

The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But, now you are privileged to read the opening line of his original poem, which began:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

And now you know the rest of the story!

[W2LYS]

Ty Cobb, after his illustrious baseball career, had a lot of trouble finding work. Back in the time Ty Cobb played baseball, even the greatest of stars earned very little, and Ty was unable to save any money to live on when his career was over. In desperation, he applied for a position as a chef at a retirement home, even though he was never trained as a chef. Throughout the interview, he was asked several times whether or not he was really a chef, and he lied each time, feeling more and more guilty about his cowardly deceit. In the end, however, he got the job.

The first day of work, he was assigned to make baked brie for his elderly clients. Not knowing a thing about cooking, he threw the cheese in the oven and left it there for two hours while he took a nap, and the cheese got all brown and burned and inedible. Ty was awakened by the yelling manager, angrily pointing to the burned lump of cheese. "I thought you said you were a chef!" he shouted.

Ty began to stammer. "Oh! I lied sir! I was so scared of being unemployed!"

"Well, look what your lies