JOKE THREAD REDUX [Archive] - Page 10

WA5KRP

12-21-2007, 06:19 AM

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?

Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

WA5KRP

12-21-2007, 01:43 PM

A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.
Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun.

The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.

"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"

WA5KRP

12-21-2007, 01:57 PM

CUTTING HUMOR (http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/23302/1h/cchannel.download.akamai.com/23302/happyholidays2007.wmv)

W2LYS

12-22-2007, 08:30 AM

How To Tell If You're a Grinch...

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog, cat, or gerbil as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car)

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

W2LYS

12-23-2007, 05:29 AM

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never
been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

WA5KRP

12-23-2007, 09:50 PM

LETTERS TO SANTA:
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the Space Ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, cranky, bitchy mom who constantly rides his ass? Don't be stupid. Let me give you some nice Legos.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your over-indulgent folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don 't live in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

WA5KRP

12-24-2007, 02:04 PM

Sven and Ole are walking down the street and there, lying in the yard, is a large dog giving himself a "very selective and localized" bath.

Sven said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."

Ole said, "Vell, you vant me to hold him for you?"

WA5KRP

12-25-2007, 06:55 PM

http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/roadcrewfromhell.jpg

Planning....

W2LYS

12-26-2007, 09:44 AM

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas.

She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

Very nice Patrick, she said.

"Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a little Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. My family piles into our Rolls Royce and we drive to my Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to Hawaii."

KG6YTZ

12-27-2007, 04:20 AM

Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ Dec. 25 2007,10:55)]Planning....
http://www.tardsite.com/images/SOTPid.jpg

n2cfj

12-27-2007, 05:11 PM

Quote[/b] (KG6YTZ @ Dec. 26 2007,21:20)]Quote[/b] (WA5KRP @ Dec. 25 2007,10:55)]Planning....
http://www.tardsite.com/images/SOTPid.jpg
Reminds me of an autobody man we used in the 70's. He did great work. My father gave him his 67 Porsche to retouch all the road and parking lot dings before they rusted. The car came back looking like new. Then we looked at the back hood lid. Porsche was misspelled. That's when we found out that he was illiterate. His wife wrote all his bills and estimates.

A bum rings the bell at a house and asks for work. Being in a generous mood the homeowner gives him a can of paint and a brush and tells him to go out back and paint the porch. The bum rings the bell later and tells him thet he is done but it is not a Porche it is a Mercedes.

K7RQ

12-29-2007, 03:34 AM

There was this little village down across the border in Mexico where all the people were very poor but they were all crazy about baseball. There was no TV but someone had a beat up old radio and they would listen to the games from Los Angeles. But no one in the village had ever seen a real game. Somebody came up with the idea of pooling some money and sending one villager to L. A. to see a game and then come back and tell everyone what it was like. So a young boy named Jose who spoke good English was chosen to make the trip. He went to Los Angeles, made his way out to the stadium and went up to the ticket window. "Please sir," he said, "I would like to buy a ticket to see the ball game."
"Are you kidding?' said the guy. "We're in the playoffs and there isn't a seat left in the park."
"And Jose started to cry. He said, "But senor, you do not understand." And he told him about his village and of the mission that had been entrusted to him. "So, you see, I cannot disappoint my people." A fellow who worked on the grounds was listening to this and he said to the ticket man, "Let me handle this." To Jose he said, "Son, you come with me." He took Jose into the park through a private entrance and the boy was awestruck by the vast field, and all the crowd and the flags flying. The groundskeeper said, "Jose, do you see those steps leading up to that platform below the flagpole?"
Jose looked and saw the steps, and the platforn, and Old Glory fluttering at the top of the pole. "You climb up there and sit on the platform and you will be able to see the game."
Jose mounted the steps and sat down and he could see into every corner of the huge park. Soon the game began and the boy watched in fascination, memorizing every play, from the first pitch to the last out. When the game was over he came down and made his way back to the village, where the peopte said, "Jose is back! Now we will hear about baseball!" And they all gathered around as Jose described the game in every detail, just as he had memorized it. And the villagers applauded, and thanked Jose for the wonderful job he had done. Then one old man spoke up and asked, "Jose, how did the Americanos treat you, a poor boy from Mexico?" And Jose's chest swelled with pride. "Let me tell you about that!" he said. "Before they were even allowed to start the game, all the people in the stadium stood up, and looked right over at me, up on that platform. And they sang a special song that went, "Jose, can you see?"

W2LYS

12-29-2007, 07:31 AM

Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her question about her life, about what it
felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her
new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about
her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why
she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

W2LYS

12-30-2007, 07:58 AM

The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan’s companion, but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she became a waitress at a roadside truckstop. One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the restaurant.

They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely, slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It’s the wrong way to tip a fairy, who’s a long way from home! "

WA5KRP

12-30-2007, 08:27 PM

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."

WA5KRP

12-30-2007, 09:22 PM

"There's a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I went back to my hotel room last night and f****d with the thermostat for three hours. I could not detect that difference."

- Dennis Miller

W2LYS

12-31-2007, 05:44 AM

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.

The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."

The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.

"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"

WA5KRP

12-31-2007, 01:50 PM

Cliches and Conundrums...

"You Learn Something New Every Day"

Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it. Columbus is a good example. Newton, Edison and Einstein are the exception.

"The Sky's The Limit"

Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.

"You Get What You Pay For"

Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact if you check your purchases carefully you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful you soon might not even get that.

"Everything Comes in Threes"

Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row it just seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"Nice Guys Finish Last"

Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

"If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All"

Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen ... one. If you've seen them all, then you've seen them all. How did this one get started?

"It Takes Two to Tango"

Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. He just looks silly.

"If It's Not One Thing, It's Another"

No, not always. Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it not another, it turns out to be something entirely different. Don't let this confuse you.

WA5KRP

01-01-2008, 05:20 AM

SUPER FUNNY HUMOR FROM A FUNNY SUPER ADMINISTRATOR (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4sfJr10wFs)

Hope this doesn't get your ass fired.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR, Terry!

K7RQ

01-01-2008, 06:13 PM

A couple of Canadian wheat farmers got tired of the long winter on the prairie and decided to fly to Australia for some summer weather. Arriving at Sydney, they went into the terminal restaurant for lunch. They attracted the attention of some of the locals who were eating at a nearby table. They were speculating as to where these obvious foreigners had come in from. One of them said, "Well, I'll go ask them." So he went over to their table, and said, "G'day gents, my mates and I were wondering where you chaps are from."
One of the farmers looked up and said, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
"Oh, I see," said the Aussie. When he returned to his table his friends asked, "So where are they from?"
"Dunno," he said, "They don't speak English."

W2LYS

01-02-2008, 07:12 AM

Recently, the Chinese newspapers carried stories of a discovery at one of the many archeological digs in that country. In a cave outside of Beijing, they found a very large cache of eggs that had been buried for over a thousand years. When they finally excavated the eggs, people could not believe they were that old. Scientists issued a statement to the public explaining the evidence, and saying that one just had to believe the proof. For really, wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter?

W2LYS

01-03-2008, 06:37 AM

Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and
marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to
do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them....

" Moosellaneous. "

K7RQ

01-04-2008, 05:53 AM

A ranch hand drove into town for supplies one day, wearing his usual Levi's, Stetson hat, cowboy boots and bandanna around his neck. He stopped in at the local cafe for lunch and noticed that a young woman at a nearby table, obviously a tourist passing through, was staring at him. Finally she asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He drawled, "Well, I spend my days herdin' cows and brandin' calves, and mendin' fences. I guess you could say I am. And how about you, little lady?"
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I think about women in the morning when I wake up, I think about them all day and dream about them all night." The cowboy was somewhat taken aback by all this, and went back to his lunch. Soon the woman left, and a tourist couple came in and took her table. The woman stared at him for awhile, then she, too, asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He said, "Well, ma'am, I used to think I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

W2LYS

01-04-2008, 06:49 AM

This big city boy was hiking through the mountains of northern Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' he asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the tourist.

'Pa, nope, he left afore Ma come in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the tourist.

'Ma, nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the Yankee, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid thru the door. 'This is the outhouse.'

WA5KRP

01-04-2008, 02:11 PM

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back."

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

WA5KRP

01-05-2008, 03:27 AM

A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

K7RQ

01-05-2008, 04:31 AM

An elderly couple were driving through Florida on a vacation trip. They saw a road sign saying "Entering Kissimmee" The husband said, "I wonder how they pronounce that." His wife said, "Well it's time for some lunch. Let's stop here and we can find out." So they pulled into a fast food restaurant and placed their order. When the waitress brought their food, he asked, "How do you pronounce the name of this place?" The girl leaned over toward him and carefully enunciated, "Burrrgerrrvillle."

KW4MW

01-05-2008, 05:09 AM

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

KW4MW

01-05-2008, 05:12 AM

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

wv6z

01-05-2008, 05:15 AM

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d148/ku4my/cheney_drevil.jpg

wv6z

01-05-2008, 11:25 PM

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

01-05-2008, 11:33 PM

Heard this one this morning, thanks Tom!
------------------------------------------------

Bear walks into a bar, asks the bar tender for a beer.

Bartender refuses, states they don't serve bears in this bar.

Bear, getting pissed, threaten's the bar tender "if you don't serve me I'm going to cause a boat load of trouble"

Bartender still refuses.

Bear goes down to the end of the bar where a woman is drinking and proceeds to tear her to shreds, then eats her.

Bear goes back and then demands the bar tender to give him a beer.

Bartender refuses, "we don't serve bears on drugs"

Bear -- what do you mean.

Bartender -- what about that "Bar-bitch-u-ate"

WA5KRP

01-06-2008, 07:21 PM

A chicken farmer went to a local bar sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says 'This is a special day for me ... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer? As they clinked glasses the man asked 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence 'says the man.' I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs '

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different ####,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'.

wv6z

01-08-2008, 12:20 AM

Ramblings Of A Retired Mind......

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.

I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it

"Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,

"Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to spend more time in church as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

"Enjoy Your Days - Love Your Life" "Life is a journey to be savored."

W2LYS

01-08-2008, 06:44 AM

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeests wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them, and started eating them.

Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance. One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said: "That is the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions."

wv6z

01-08-2008, 06:47 AM

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d148/ku4my/vagina.jpg

wv6z

01-08-2008, 07:03 AM

Tooth Pulling

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

wv6z

01-08-2008, 07:07 AM

Park Politics

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, “All politicians are *ssholes.”
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No," he replies, "I'm an *sshole.”

K7RQ

01-08-2008, 07:25 AM

Two guys go out to play golf. #On the first tee, one takes out a weird looking ball that's hot pink and covered with black dots and swirls. His friend says, "What the heck kind of a ball is that?"
He says, "This is the ultimate golf ball. You can't lose it."
"Hah! Bet I could lose it."
"No, seriously, you see that hot pink color? You can see that hot pink color down the fairway a country mile."
"Well, I have on occasion found myself in the rough, you know."
"Not to worry. See those black dots? Those are the rough detectors. When the ball finds itself in tall grass a beeper comes on and you just home in on the sound."
"What if it goes into the water?"
"Those swirls are the water detectors. If it finds itself in the water, a gyro kicks in. The ball spins and swims to the surface, then over to the edge of the water and beeps till you pick it up."
"Wow! I'm convinced! Where can I get one of those?"
"Darned if I know. I found this one."

W2LYS

01-09-2008, 07:33 AM

Then there was the rural doctor who came out to their farm on a house
call. He was always thirsty and kept neglecting his patient to run over to
the well to get another drink of the cool, refreshing water. Finally, he lost his balance and plunged headfirst into the well, breaking his neck and
drowning. He should have heeded the biblical injunction to treat the sick and leave the well alone.

W2LYS

01-10-2008, 07:56 AM

By all Means... MARRY!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

--------The Best

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A son asked his Dad how much it costs to get married. His Dad replied: I don't know son, I'm still paying.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

W2LYS

01-11-2008, 07:31 AM

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father meets him at the gate, and is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

K7RQ

01-11-2008, 06:27 PM

At a dance in one of Miami's senior communities, a fellow asked a widow for a dance. As they waltzed across the floor, she said, "I don't think I've seen you here before. Are you new here?"
He said, "Well, to tell you the truth, I've been in prison for thirty years."
"Oh, my goodness! What for?"
"For killing my wife."
"Ohhh! So you're SINGLE!"

KW4MW

01-11-2008, 10:12 PM

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for decades. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run...!"

K7FE

01-13-2008, 04:58 AM

Subject: God save the Queen...

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER H.M.S. BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET.

WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call!

W2LYS

01-13-2008, 08:46 AM

Frank's lady friend was called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he was very fond of her. One day he came to the office only to discover a new girl had started working with him. Her name was Klarah and she was absolutely smashing. He was smitten with Klarah. After a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too. But Frank was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Klarah while he was still seeing Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Klarah. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Then one day Lorraine and Frank went for a walk along the riverbank, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. Frank stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off with mixed emotions but was smiling and singing and smiling and singing, "I can see Klarah now.... Lorraine is gone...."

wv6z

01-13-2008, 08:52 AM

Quote[/b] (K7FE @ Jan. 11 2008,22:58)]Subject: God save the Queen...

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. #Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval #Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: # #Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

IRISH: # #Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: # # Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR #course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER H.M.S. BRITANNIA! #THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET.

WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. #I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS #SHIP.

IRISH: # # # We are a lighthouse................Your Call!
Hmmmmm, Sum Ting Wong. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

Quote[/b] ]US Naval Communications

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

wv6z

01-13-2008, 09:03 AM

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d148/ku4my/Snail_Harassment.jpg

KG6YTZ

01-13-2008, 09:08 AM

Quote[/b] (wv6z @ Jan. 13 2008,00:52)]Hmmmmm, Sum Ting Wong. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
Yup. #http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif #Snopes Says Nope! (http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp)

WA5KRP

01-13-2008, 06:57 PM

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, and God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Hey, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

K7FE

01-13-2008, 07:41 PM

Quote[/b] (KG6YTZ @ Jan. 13 2008,02:08)]Quote[/b] (wv6z @ Jan. 13 2008,00:52)]Hmmmmm, Sum Ting Wong. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
Yup. http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif Snopes Says Nope! (http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp)
This "IS" the joke thread. Hi Hi

W2LYS

01-14-2008, 07:43 AM

I have a friend, Ed, who lives on the coast of Maine. He is a painter and works in the local boat yard. He loves birds, and every day, before he goes to work, he feeds the shore birds that come in with the morning tides. He takes the best bird seed that he can find and mixes it with vodka so the seed is thoroughly saturated. He then goes out and feeds the mixture to the birds. He stays there long enough to be sure all the birds get well fed and become very drunk.

Ed believes that you should leave no tern unstoned.

K7RQ

01-15-2008, 12:31 AM

There was this old prospector down in Utah who rode around the desert on a donkey, looking for pay dirt. One day his donkey died, and he was too poor to buy another one. The local preacher heard about his problem and went to see him. "I heard about your donkey, and maybe I can help," he said. "I have this old mule that I raised from a baby and I don't need her anymore. If you will promise to take good care of her and treat her right, I'll give her to you."
The old man said, "Why, parson, that's right nice of you and I'll sure be glad to have her."
The preacher said, "Well, there's a couple things you need to know about this old girl. First off, she's stone blind. But that's okay, she's used to it and as long as you keep a firm grip on the reins, she will take you where you want to go. The other thing is, she don't understand giddyup and whoa. When you want her to go, you say, Hallelujah. And when you want her to stop you say Amen. That's just the way I taught her."
So the prospector took the mule home and the next day he saddled her up and started out, clip-clopping across the desert. He soon found out that this long-legged mule covered a lot of territory in a hurry, and by mid-afternoon he was up in the mountains in unfamiliar territory. They rode up a narrow trail that went along the face of a cliff, and suddenly up ahead he could see that the trail ended in a sheer drop-off. He yelled, "Whoa!" but of course the mule didn't understand and kept heading for the edge. "Now what was that word to stop her?" he said to himself. "Seems like it was a Bible word." He tried a whole lot of Bible words, but the mule just kept going. He realized that they were seconds from death, so he started to pray. He aid, "Oh Lord, it looks like me and my mule here are about to die. I repent my sins and pray that you welcome us into the Promised Land. Amen." And with that the mule stopped, two inches from the edge of the dropoff. The prospector was so overcome with relief, he rocked back in the saddle and throwing his arms skyward, cried, "Hallelujah!"

W2LYS

01-15-2008, 05:30 AM

Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well
one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary
his darling of 10 glorious years. He went looking
and found her. She had been shot. Dead!

Harry was devastated. After about six
minutes of mourning he decided that he must get
himself another mate. But he just might like to
cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back
to the nest. The sex was OK but all the DOVE
would say is I am a DOVE, I want to Love! I am a
DOVE, I want to love! Well this got on Harry's
nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and
flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy LOON and brought her
back to the nest, again the sex was great, but all
the LOON would say is, I am a LOON, I want to
spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon! Egads, out
with the LOON.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This
time he found a gorgeous DUCK, so he brought the
DUCK back to the nest, but all the DUCK would say
was...well ..... you know ....

No ..... the DUCK didn't say THAT!!!!!
That's an awful thing to think!!

The Duck said, I am a DRAKE, you made a
MISTAKE!

W2LYS

01-16-2008, 08:04 AM

Benny worked at the Fahrvergnugen Museum, and his job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him.

"Master," the genie began, "I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you -- you must never shave again for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to live inside the urn forever." Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account, which was promptly granted. Later he wished for the woman of his dreams, and he was married to her. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune, which came to him, and he was regarded as a worldwide celebrity.

In the meantime, Benny's beard became longer and longer, and it started to itch. He tried to ignore it, but with every passing year the itch got worse. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard once and for all. Having shaved it off, he lost everything he wished for, and instantly he was, himself, trapped in the urn to stay there forever.

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

K7RQ

01-17-2008, 07:23 AM

There's a town down in the Utah desert where it is so dry that 60 years went by without a drop of rain. Lots of the local folks had of course never experienced rain at all. Then one day, a single little cloud came drifting in and suddenly a single raindrop fell out of it, striking one of the local citizens on the forehead. It knocked him colder than a wedge, and the local paramedics had to throw three buckets of dust in his face to revive him.

wv6z

01-17-2008, 07:40 AM

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d148/ku4my/funny-pictures-bacon-not-done.jpg

KG6YTZ

01-17-2008, 08:12 AM

Quote[/b] (wv6z @ Jan. 16 2008,23:40)]http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d148/ku4my/funny-pictures-bacon-not-done.jpg
oh okayz... I kan haz cheezbergur than? http://www.qrz.com/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

K7KBN

01-17-2008, 05:45 PM

A little late, but...

Bob Dole at the Renaissance Faire
A story for New Year’s Eve

Bob Dole had never been to a Renaissance Faire, and it happened that one was going to happen conveniently close to his home. He drove to the site and was immediately impressed by the historical accuracy of just about everything. He sampled roast pig, carved right off the spit by a doughty wench and washed it down with some pretty good ale, right out of the cask.

Shortly after lunch, he caught sight of a group of pavilion tents – the tents set up at each end of the jousting lists where the knights got into their armor, prayed, and other knightly things. They were colorful, quite accurate and just what Mr. Dole had been looking for to decorate his front lawn in the summer months. Ignoring the “SOLD” signs on each of the tents, he approached the tentmaker.

“I’m Bob Dole,” he said by way of introduction. “I want to buy those lovely tents, and I’ll give you twice the asking price.”

Quite in character, the tentmaker replied, “Verily, good sir, I am a man of my word, and in truth these tents are now the property of yon youths.” He indicated a group of eight or ten teenagers, all wearing black clothing and with pasty white makeup on their faces, accentuated with black and blood red markings.

“I was a United States Senator,” retorted Dole forcefully, “and I really want those tents. I’ll give you three times the asking price. I’ll give you three times what those kids can come up with.”

The man stood firm. Dole continued making a nuisance of himself until the exasperated tentmaker shouted, “Shoo, Dole! The quaint tents be for Goths!”

W2LYS

01-18-2008, 05:43 AM

An exotic animal collector finally was able to complete his collection with the acquisition of an juvenile member of a very unusual species called the Rarie. The animal looked like a furry, round ball, with feet on the bottom. However, the collector did not know much about this creature, especially how much it would grow. And it grew. As the Rarie grew, it ate more and more. And it grew at an alarming rate. The small animal enclosure had to be enlarged, and enlarged, and enlarged. All too soon, the size of the creature was becoming alarming, and the amount of food consumed was straining the collector's budget.

Finally, in a state of desperation, he took the animal in a dump truck to the edge of a gigantic cliff with the idea that he would drop it over the edge.

Just as the collector was getting set to roll the animal out of the truck, the animal popped open an eye and looked at him and asked, "Whatcha gonna do now?"

The collector explained how he could no longer afford the upkeep, and that dropping it over the cliff would be a humane way to get rid of such an expensive liability.

The animal looked over the edge and with a tear in its eye, it said "It's a long way to tip a Rarie."

W2LYS

01-19-2008, 05:22 AM

A frog walks in to a bank one day and asks the teller for a loan. It seems that the frog first introduces himself as Kermit Jagger, and his father is an enormously wealthy rock star, and he hints that repaying the money is not a problem. The teller goes to the back and asks her boss what to do. The boss says, "Tell the frog to go see Patty Black at the loan desk." So she does, and the frog asks Patty for a loan. Patty asks if the frog has any collateral. The frog says, "I only have this plastic elephant."

So Patty goes to ask her boss what to do. She says, "There is a frog out here with a plastic elephant asking for a loan. What ever should I do?"

To which her boss responds, "It's a nick-nack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

WA5KRP

01-20-2008, 03:01 AM

As a doctor completed his examination of the patient he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

The patient replied, "I'll schedule an appointment for when your sober. When is a good time?"

wv6z

01-20-2008, 05:28 AM

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d148/ku4my/HALTMammerzeit.jpg

W2LYS

01-20-2008, 07:17 AM

An officer in the New York Mounted Police always paused his horse to rest in the same place every day. One fellah got in the habit of having a donut for the horse when he stopped. One day he offered the horse a donut, and the horse bit him. "Hey!" yelled the guy. "He never did that before!" "Oh, sorry," said the policeman. "I forgot to tell you that this is not my regular horse, and this one only likes poppy-seed bagels. You see, this is a horse of a different cruller."

WA5KRP

01-21-2008, 01:54 PM

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."

W2LYS

01-22-2008, 07:21 AM

Lowell, Massachusetts, is an old New England Mill town. Many of the Mills have been declared National Historical Sites and are included in a Federal Park (true!). The problem was what to do with the other mills, and how to attract more tourists to the area. One bright young marketeer pointed out that Germans like to travel with their dogs, and this was difficult in the U.S. Why not make the mills into canine hotels? he suggested. The plan was adopted on a trial basis, but not without some skepticism. Several months later, the skeptics approached the young man to ask how the experiment was going.

"Just listen!" he said. "The Mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

K7RQ

01-22-2008, 05:32 PM

A fellow went to a pet store and bought a parakeet. The next day he called the store and angrily told the owner, "This bird you sold me is vicious! Every time I try to put food or water in the cage, he takes a piece of meat out of the back of my hand!"
The owner said, "He's not really vicious. He's just being playful. But I know, their little beaks are as sharp as a fish hook and they can really nail you. We just take a file and smooth off the point of their beak a little bit."
"Doesn't it hurt them?"
"No, not at all. If you would like to bring your bird back here, I can file it for you. Only takes a few seconds."
"Well, I'm a machinist. I know how to run a file. I'll do it myself."
"Okay, just touch it up a bit, and then he can't hurt you."
A half hour later, the customer was back on the phone. Now he was furious.
"You said it wouldn't hurt him! Well, it killed him!"
"I can't understand that. I've done it hundreds of times and it never bothered any of them."
"Well, that may be, but all I know is, when I took him out of the vise, he was dead!"

W2LYS

01-23-2008, 04:32 AM

Kareem Abdul Jabbar, previously of the Los Angeles Lakers, was one of the best basketball players in the NBA. While he is still with us, an enterprising biotechnology company recently took some of his cells to be grown into another great basketball player. The cells are stored away awaiting the necessary advances in human biotechnology. At that time they will be thawed out, but until then they will be kept frozen -- an iced Kareem clone.

WA5KRP

01-24-2008, 03:13 AM

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
# #
# #* Tourist: $5
# #* Broiled Missionary: $10.00
# #* Fried Explorer: $15.00
# #* Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
# #
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why are the politicians so damned expensive?"
# #
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so
full of **** it takes all morning."

W2LYS

01-24-2008, 06:53 AM

Planetary Exploration Taken for Granite

In the year 2744 a human survey team discovered a planet whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of something very like granite. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squatted motionless on a vast rocky plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It had legs (two), but apparently never rose to walk on them. It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke. It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a fifty-story condominium, but the organ lay dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lived.

This puzzled hell out of the scientists, who tried everything they could think of to elicit some sign of life from the behemoth--in vain. It just squatted, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"

It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, pondered for a second, boomed, "It couldn't," and squatted down again.

"Migod," exclaimed the xenobiologist. "Of course! It only stands to reason."

K7RQ

01-24-2008, 06:55 PM

An explorer was floating down the Amazon alone, and stopping each night to pitch his tent on the bank. One morning he awoke hearing noises outside. He looked out and to his horror saw a fierce band of very angry headhunters. The natives hauled him out, and, prodding him with their spears, took him to their village. Their chief came out of his tent and he was even more ferocious than the others. He screamed and poked the explorer repeatedly with his spear. The man said to himself, "Well, it looks like I've had it" But at that moment there was a clap of thunder and a loud voice boomed down from the clouds, "NO! PICK UP THAT ROCK AT YOUR FEET AND KILL THE CHIEF WITH IT!" He looked down, and sure enough, there was a big rock. Quickly he stooped, grabbed the rock, and bashed the chief over the head with it. The chief dropped dead without a sound. And again, the voice thundered down: "NOW, YOU'VE HAD IT!"

WA5KRP

01-26-2008, 06:49 PM

Ancient...still funny.

The Admiral’s Morning Briefing

The Admiral was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and
Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its
brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained
that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to
get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how
much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure'?

A Commodore chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A Chief responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Admiral turned to the sailor who
was in charge of making coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young sailor responded, 'Sir, it has to
be 100% pleasure.'

The Admiral was surprised and asked why?

'Well, Sir,' began the sailor, 'if there was any work involved,
the officers would have me doing it for them.'

Deafening silence.

WA5KRP

01-26-2008, 07:34 PM

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle. ‘Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?’

‘A p'enis,’ replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, ‘Mon cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'‘

WA4TM

01-26-2008, 08:58 PM

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head n o.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

WA5KRP

01-28-2008, 06:18 AM

http://rock103.com/pages/crew/pics/monicasxboyfriendswife.jpg

W2LYS

01-29-2008, 09:25 AM

Bill Clinton started jogging near his
new home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell,
"Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however,
Hillary decided that she
wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50
offer and Hillarywould wonder what he'd really been
doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a
darn good explanation
for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,

Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough,
there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.

Then,

from the sidewalk,

the hooker yelled..

See what you get for five bucks!?"

ka3trx

01-29-2008, 12:23 PM

This is one of those
stories where you begin to chuckle....then find yourself laughing out
loud.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.?
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...? ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
kaked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .
.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,
stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-.. That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

W2LYS

01-30-2008, 08:25 AM

A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary
Clinton is attending, and trying gather more support for her nomination.
Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him
by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
around her head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them
circle flies?"

She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But
I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she
stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for
citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."

ab8ma

01-30-2008, 05:41 PM

SAD NEWS...

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

WA4TM

01-30-2008, 11:45 PM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

WA4TM

01-30-2008, 11:53 PM

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered
the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the
two men found their way to the barn and settled
in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got
an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure
it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North
about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I
have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

W2LYS

01-31-2008, 07:03 AM

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn't affect Walter's work too much.
Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed. As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.

"What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: you can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink.

w7lpn

01-31-2008, 07:20 PM

The Republican Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but,
somehow, now it's my fault."
:rolleyes:

w7lpn

01-31-2008, 07:29 PM

A blonde & a guy were talking. The Blonde began sneezing uncontrollably. The guy asked, "Can I do anything for you? pointing to her nose. "No", said the blonde, "I always sneeze right before an orgazm". Surprised, the guy askes, "Are you taking anything for that?" "Yes! she says with a grin. "Pepper". :eek: ;)

KG6YTZ

02-01-2008, 09:36 AM

My sister sent me this one...

It was fun being a baby boomer, until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And my favorite:

Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again.

W2LYS

02-02-2008, 04:21 PM

One of the contenders I saw at the recent Winter Olympics was an Eskimo who competed in the downhill slalom. The trouble was that he just kept getting in the way of the other skiers. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but then I realized he was just an obstacle Aleutian!

WA4TM

02-02-2008, 10:15 PM

Hillary Clinton, the lead Presidential Democrat Party candidate is for banning all guns in America. She is considered by those who have dealt with her as more than just a little self-righteous.At a recent rural elementary school meeting in North Florida, she asked the kids and the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she started to slowly clap her hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, she said into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in America dies from gun violence."A young voice with a proud southern accent (probably little Johnny) from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet: "Well stop clapping, stupid"

WA5KRP

02-03-2008, 06:43 AM

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

...Dennis Miller

n2nh

02-03-2008, 06:54 AM

http://img262.imageshack.us/img262/5136/democracybumperstickeroo2.jpg

WA5KRP

02-03-2008, 06:36 PM

On a flight to Detroit, Jack was sitting when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit, there are crazy people there. They have a lot of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the country."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy finally relaxed and said, "Thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say its okay, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

WA5KRP

02-03-2008, 07:12 PM

CITY SLICKER NEWS (http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/Black_and_Gus/#8953)

WA5KRP
Texas

WA5KRP

02-04-2008, 02:04 PM

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted."

n0ov

02-04-2008, 08:31 PM

This is audio humor, so sit back and enjoy

Caller calls in to a friend telling them about an accident he just witnessed.
Man who hits the old ladies gets out of the call to confront them and he gets something that he didn't expect.

Warning, don't drink any soda or eat any food while this is playing.......

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

G-Rated

W2LYS

02-05-2008, 06:46 AM

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines, "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn".

WA5KRP

02-05-2008, 02:04 PM

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

K7RQ

02-05-2008, 05:41 PM

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
Last Friday was my birthday. We went all through the usual morning routine at home, dressing, showers, breakfast, getting the kids ready for school, etc. without any mention of the occasion. This had never happened before, and I was very disappointed. But I decided to say nothing. My wife had obviously forgotten, and would be very embarrassed if I reminded her.
When I arrived at the office it was a different story. My secretary had come in early and greeted me with a birthday hug. There were flowers and a card on my desk. Toward noon she said we shoukl close the office down for the afternoon so she could take me out to lunch. Seemed like a good idea to me. We went to a nice Italian restaurant, had great food and a bottle of good wine. When that was empty we had another, and by this time I was noticing that this was a very handsome woman I was with. About this time she suggested that we go to her apartment, which happened to be just around the corner, for dessert. That sounded like a great idea, too, and I was beginning to figure that dessert was not what she really had in mind. We went in and she put on some soft music and told me to make myself at home while she changed into something more comfortable, removing all doubt as to her plans. After awhile she reappeared, carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and my in-laws, all singing Happy Birthday to You. And there I sat on her couch. Naked.

W2LYS

02-06-2008, 05:05 AM

A good way to go under anesthesia before they wheel you into the
operating room is to think some happy thoughts. I like Christmas so I
conjure up an image of St. Nicholas. When I head into surgery I'm
gonna take a Santa mental gurney.

W2LYS

02-07-2008, 06:56 AM

The chief of a poor Native American tribe, where there were no paved roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing, scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering.
Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights.
The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading to it. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief's son will go down in history as the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.

WA5KRP

02-07-2008, 06:02 PM

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women's questions women ask. Now I'm in deep **** at home."

"What kind of question?, asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah", said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO....'"

n0ov

02-08-2008, 02:42 AM

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.

A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said. A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!

n0ov

02-08-2008, 02:42 AM

Q: Bill and Hillary Clinton are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A: The nation.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a greedy politician?
A: Chelsea.

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton wear high collared blouses?
A: So you won't see her Adam's apple move when Bill talks.

Q: What is the most popular game at the White House?
A: Swallow the leader.

WA5KRP

02-08-2008, 03:10 PM

Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house. The first business- man says, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man."

Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information.

"It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."

She replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such mishugunah?"

W2LYS

02-08-2008, 11:09 PM

The wild and wooly west was replete with adventure and potential riches. Magical artifacts were reputed to be abundant and highly sought after. One little town, La Poema, near the Superstition Mountains became famous for a particular enchanted pebble that they made available for viewing in the public library.

The locals particularly appreciated the sight of strangers touching the stone and helplessly bursting into verse. For example, a hardtack miner spouted, "Dagnabit, this mangy rabbit, has a bad habit" before he was able to pull his hand away. An elderly spinster was heard to say, "While playing scrabble, with the local rabble, who like to gabble, I'd like to dabble...", and then she jerked her hand back before getting even more in trouble. A child with consumption touched the pebble and complained, "Ruin and wrack, spew and hack. Alas, alack. True health I lack, I'm going back, to" before he was dragged away.

One cowhand observer knew better than to touch the stone. However, his curiosity made him ask the locals, "What is that pebble that makes these people spout all those words that sound so much alike?"

The only possible answer came back, "It's a rhyme stone, cowboy!"

WA5KRP

02-09-2008, 05:02 AM

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied..."My wife's first husband."

WA5KRP

02-09-2008, 01:40 PM

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

W2LYS

02-10-2008, 12:49 AM

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. Meanwhile, she stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in
disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand,
a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with
lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me
the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?!?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary
Clinton 's driver, and I've just killed the old cow'. The rest happened so fast
I just couldn't stop it!!"