View Full Version : Best Joke I have heard in a long time!!
03-03-2010, 01:51 AM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
03-03-2010, 02:01 AM
Here's my choice of funniest joke I have run across in a long time:
Subject: Drunk husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed!
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me. What's going on??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'LEAVE ME ALONE B*****, I'M MARRIED!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time . . . PRICELESS
03-03-2010, 05:21 AM
This one was pretty good to me
2 transistor science fair spring clip/wire short wave radio kit
03-03-2010, 10:34 PM
I like it... I like it.... I'll hold your monkey, Ha ha ha
03-04-2010, 10:28 AM
Ha! I literally LOL'ed.
The second one was good too.:)
03-04-2010, 04:30 PM
** This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from West Virginia." The bartender asks, "What do you do in West Virginia?" The guy responds,"I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,
"It's OK boys, he's one of us!":D
03-04-2010, 04:33 PM
** A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
03-04-2010, 04:36 PM
** A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
03-04-2010, 04:53 PM
A Busy Day In HeavenThree men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
03-04-2010, 05:01 PM
Switching SidesA life long supporter of the democrat party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the republican party.
"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're a liberal through and through… Why change now?"
The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us.":D
03-04-2010, 05:10 PM
George Bush quotesHere are a few more quotes from George W. Bush:
"Ariel Sharon of Israel is a Man of Peace"
"General Musharraf of Pakistan is a Democrat"
"The inhabitants of Greece are the Greecians"
"The French don't have a word for 'Entrepreneur'"
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.":D:D:D:D:D;)
03-04-2010, 06:06 PM
Has anyone ever met the guy who writes all the jokes?
TOM K8ERV Montrose Colo
03-04-2010, 07:38 PM
POPE AND QUEEN OF ENGLAND
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her.
03-04-2010, 07:40 PM
My fav. on the kid/monkey was told by Bill Cosby himself:
A woman is riding on the Penn. Railroad out of Grand Central, and she's got her baby with her. Ugly baby. UGLY BABY.
Across the aisle is a drunk man who keeps staring at the baby, finally he says "Lady, that is one UGLY baby! Where did you get that ugly baby from?". The woman screams and yanks on the emergency stop lever and the train comes to a screeching halt and the Conductor comes into the car. This was his moment.
At this moment he represented the Penn. Railroad. He said "What's going on here?" The woman said, "This man just insulted me, I don't have to take that, I paid my money and I'm not going to be insulted!".
The conducter replied; "Madam, there is nothing, NOTHING the Penn. Railroad will not do to assure your satisfaction. If you will accompany me to the dining room, we are going to give you a free meal...and maybe we can find a bannana for your Monkey."
And there was the lady who was walking along the sidewalk on a busy street with one breast totally exposed. A cop rushed up to her and said, "Madam, you can't walk around in public like that!" Looking down in alarm, the woman said, "Oh my gosh, I left my baby on the bus!"
03-04-2010, 08:05 PM
Classic, she probably had one of my babies with her!!
03-05-2010, 03:47 AM
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked...
"They're mating," her father replied..
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That is a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that S##T in Texas .."
03-05-2010, 03:49 AM
A man looks over the fence one afternoon and sees the little neighbor girl filling in a hole in the garden and crying.
He asks her what is going on.
She looks at him and says that she is digging a hole for her pet hamster.
The man looks and she has a huge hole she is slowly filling up.
He asks why she dug such a huge hole for a hamster.
After a few seconds she turn and says because he is in your cat.
03-05-2010, 04:19 AM
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident
off the coast of Maine, a man answered his door to find
two grim-faced State Troopers.
"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about
your wife," said one of the Troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.
The Troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have
some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the
bad news first."
The second Trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you,
sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had
6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters
clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news???"
The Trooper answered, "We're
gonna pull her up again tomorrow