KW4MW
10-18-2007, 12:44 PM
I suppose that it’s time to get this off of my chest, it’s been bugging me for a long time. #
A few years ago, my wife Edna and I had planned to go out for dinner and a movie. #Because we were going to have dinner at my favorite steak house I didn’t eat lunch in anticipation of enjoying a huge steak with a loaded baked potato, nice salad, lots of bread – you know – the works. #
As I was getting cleaned up and ready to go out for the evening the phone rang and Edna answered it. #Later, when I came out of the bedroom dressed and ready to go out for the evening I found her sitting on the couch with a sad look on her face. #
“What’s wrong Hon?” I asked – fearing the worse. #
“Oh, Fran just called and she said that Mrs. Johnson was in the hospital” she replied. #
Well, that was sad news to her but in my selfish little male world it was nothing to get all maudlin about. #
“I’m sorry to hear that” I said in a half-hearted attempt to be compassionate. #
Let me explain about Mrs. Johnson. #She is one of those kind hearted old dears that worked as a volunteer at the hospital for years before she had to quit due to age and health issues. #Edna and all the other nurses loved her dearly. #
Ok – that’s settled or so I thought. #With the thought of a hot sizzling steak in front of me I was practically drooling as I hustled my dear wife out the door and into the car. #
“Could we” she started – Oh God, I knew what she was about to say.
“Could we – do you think we can stop by and see Mrs. Johnson for a few minutes?” she asked.
I looked at my watch and we were leaving a bit early so I said, “Ok – but just for a few minutes”. # #
Now I have since discovered that when a man says a few minutes he means anywhere from the time it takes to pull the tab off of a beer can or to take a quick whiz to 15 minutes – tops. # To women, on the other hand, it means a length of time required from “putting their faces on” to the length of time it takes for a glacier to retreat up the valley, grasses to spring up, trees grow to full length and the entire area to become overpopulated with animals, birds and fishes. #Unfortunately at the time I wasn’t armed with that information.
We drove by the steak house on the way to the hospital. #It was already crowded and a line was starting to form outside. #I sighed, apparently audibly since my dear wife says, “Sorry Hon but I have to see her”. #Grimly I drive on. #
We parked in the lot in front of the hospital. #I intended to wait in the car but my dear wife has a different plan. #She wants me to meet Mrs. Johnson. #I acquiesce but remind her of how much time we have remaining to eat supper and catch the movie. #She said that she was aware of the time.
We entered the hospital – there are always at least three kinds of people in the hospital; # those that are sick and ailing, # their families with their concerned looks and then of course the medical staff cheerily bustling and hustling around in green scrubs. #That night there was a fourth kind – me - that can only be described by the thoughts that were passing though my mind – something like #WHATTHEFRICKAREWEDOINGHEREALLIWANTTODOISEATADAMNED STEAKANDGOTOAMOVIEBUTNOOOOOHEREWEAREWEJU
STHAVETOSEEMRSJOHNSONOHGODPLEASEMAKEITQUICKANDGETM EOUTAHERE’
We entered Mrs. Johnson’s room. #Now if I’m ever sick enough to warrant a hospital stay, I want to be like Mrs. Johnson. #She was sitting up in bed reading Ladies Home Journal while the TV was blaring away with the evening news. # Seeing us she put down the magazine and muted the TV with the remote control. #Turning to us with her eyes sparkling she told Edna how glad she was to see her and that I must be her husband. #(Well Duh! #Mrs. J.). #Edna introduced us and I shook hands with the old gal. #I expected that limp dead fish handshake from her but the old girl had a grip like an iron worker and she pumped my arm vigorously before finally letting go. #I secretly massaged my fingers back to life behind my back. #We said a few pleasantries during which I noticed that she had that hospital patient breath that can only best be described as being capable of knocking a buzzard off of a wagonload of raw manure. #I retreated several feet away as soon as I could. #Edna didn’t seem to notice her breath though; I suspect that after working a few decades in hospitals that she was immune to those kinds of smells. #
Edna immediately seated herself in the chair next to the bed and indicated to me that I should take the other available chair. #Instead, I remained standing to make the point that we didn’t have much time. #
They started chatting about all the friends, families and faces that they had encountered over the years, those that had moved on and those that had stayed, those that they liked and those they didn’t like, those that were still alive, those that were dying, those that were dead and those that they wished were dead. #
I realized that my standing in protest was a futile gesture. #I pointed to my watch once or twice but Edna ignored my signals. #Well, there goes my steak – It looks like we’ll have to settle for a Watta-Burger if we want to eat something before the movie. #Damn!
I’ve never heard two women yak as much as they did – on and on they droned. #I seated myself in the remaining chair and eventually reduced my dining expectations to a large tub of buttered popcorn, a large Coke and a box of Good n Plenty’s at the movie theatre – if we even make it there. #
My stomach began growling but neither of the ladies seemed to notice. #I am hungry. #Remember I did skip lunch. #That’s when I spotted the full bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed. #I went and picked up a handful and popped a few into my mouth. # Edna gave me that look that said “What the Hell are you doing?” # If you’re a woman you know that look and if you’re a man you definitely know that look. #I shrugged it off, not an easy task by the way, and defiantly tossed a few more peanuts down my gullet. # #She gave me the look again; I just smiled and chucked a few more down the hatch. # That’s when I got the second look and the shrug – the one that says “Ok – go ahead and be an jerk – I’ll just ignore you”.
Time passed slowly – the ladies chatted on and I slowly but surely devoured every damned peanut in the bowl. #
Finally, after the glacier had seemingly melted and grown back a time or two I was surprised to here my dear wife say, “Well we better go if we’re going to catch the movie”. #
Reprieved, and now feeling a little guilty I apologized to the old gal by saying, “Mrs. Johnson, I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts – let me run downstairs to the gift shop and get you some more.”
“Oh Honey” she said, “That’s OK, I can’t eat them anyway – I just like sucking the chocolate off of them”.
Aack!
A few years ago, my wife Edna and I had planned to go out for dinner and a movie. #Because we were going to have dinner at my favorite steak house I didn’t eat lunch in anticipation of enjoying a huge steak with a loaded baked potato, nice salad, lots of bread – you know – the works. #
As I was getting cleaned up and ready to go out for the evening the phone rang and Edna answered it. #Later, when I came out of the bedroom dressed and ready to go out for the evening I found her sitting on the couch with a sad look on her face. #
“What’s wrong Hon?” I asked – fearing the worse. #
“Oh, Fran just called and she said that Mrs. Johnson was in the hospital” she replied. #
Well, that was sad news to her but in my selfish little male world it was nothing to get all maudlin about. #
“I’m sorry to hear that” I said in a half-hearted attempt to be compassionate. #
Let me explain about Mrs. Johnson. #She is one of those kind hearted old dears that worked as a volunteer at the hospital for years before she had to quit due to age and health issues. #Edna and all the other nurses loved her dearly. #
Ok – that’s settled or so I thought. #With the thought of a hot sizzling steak in front of me I was practically drooling as I hustled my dear wife out the door and into the car. #
“Could we” she started – Oh God, I knew what she was about to say.
“Could we – do you think we can stop by and see Mrs. Johnson for a few minutes?” she asked.
I looked at my watch and we were leaving a bit early so I said, “Ok – but just for a few minutes”. # #
Now I have since discovered that when a man says a few minutes he means anywhere from the time it takes to pull the tab off of a beer can or to take a quick whiz to 15 minutes – tops. # To women, on the other hand, it means a length of time required from “putting their faces on” to the length of time it takes for a glacier to retreat up the valley, grasses to spring up, trees grow to full length and the entire area to become overpopulated with animals, birds and fishes. #Unfortunately at the time I wasn’t armed with that information.
We drove by the steak house on the way to the hospital. #It was already crowded and a line was starting to form outside. #I sighed, apparently audibly since my dear wife says, “Sorry Hon but I have to see her”. #Grimly I drive on. #
We parked in the lot in front of the hospital. #I intended to wait in the car but my dear wife has a different plan. #She wants me to meet Mrs. Johnson. #I acquiesce but remind her of how much time we have remaining to eat supper and catch the movie. #She said that she was aware of the time.
We entered the hospital – there are always at least three kinds of people in the hospital; # those that are sick and ailing, # their families with their concerned looks and then of course the medical staff cheerily bustling and hustling around in green scrubs. #That night there was a fourth kind – me - that can only be described by the thoughts that were passing though my mind – something like #WHATTHEFRICKAREWEDOINGHEREALLIWANTTODOISEATADAMNED STEAKANDGOTOAMOVIEBUTNOOOOOHEREWEAREWEJU
STHAVETOSEEMRSJOHNSONOHGODPLEASEMAKEITQUICKANDGETM EOUTAHERE’
We entered Mrs. Johnson’s room. #Now if I’m ever sick enough to warrant a hospital stay, I want to be like Mrs. Johnson. #She was sitting up in bed reading Ladies Home Journal while the TV was blaring away with the evening news. # Seeing us she put down the magazine and muted the TV with the remote control. #Turning to us with her eyes sparkling she told Edna how glad she was to see her and that I must be her husband. #(Well Duh! #Mrs. J.). #Edna introduced us and I shook hands with the old gal. #I expected that limp dead fish handshake from her but the old girl had a grip like an iron worker and she pumped my arm vigorously before finally letting go. #I secretly massaged my fingers back to life behind my back. #We said a few pleasantries during which I noticed that she had that hospital patient breath that can only best be described as being capable of knocking a buzzard off of a wagonload of raw manure. #I retreated several feet away as soon as I could. #Edna didn’t seem to notice her breath though; I suspect that after working a few decades in hospitals that she was immune to those kinds of smells. #
Edna immediately seated herself in the chair next to the bed and indicated to me that I should take the other available chair. #Instead, I remained standing to make the point that we didn’t have much time. #
They started chatting about all the friends, families and faces that they had encountered over the years, those that had moved on and those that had stayed, those that they liked and those they didn’t like, those that were still alive, those that were dying, those that were dead and those that they wished were dead. #
I realized that my standing in protest was a futile gesture. #I pointed to my watch once or twice but Edna ignored my signals. #Well, there goes my steak – It looks like we’ll have to settle for a Watta-Burger if we want to eat something before the movie. #Damn!
I’ve never heard two women yak as much as they did – on and on they droned. #I seated myself in the remaining chair and eventually reduced my dining expectations to a large tub of buttered popcorn, a large Coke and a box of Good n Plenty’s at the movie theatre – if we even make it there. #
My stomach began growling but neither of the ladies seemed to notice. #I am hungry. #Remember I did skip lunch. #That’s when I spotted the full bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed. #I went and picked up a handful and popped a few into my mouth. # Edna gave me that look that said “What the Hell are you doing?” # If you’re a woman you know that look and if you’re a man you definitely know that look. #I shrugged it off, not an easy task by the way, and defiantly tossed a few more peanuts down my gullet. # #She gave me the look again; I just smiled and chucked a few more down the hatch. # That’s when I got the second look and the shrug – the one that says “Ok – go ahead and be an jerk – I’ll just ignore you”.
Time passed slowly – the ladies chatted on and I slowly but surely devoured every damned peanut in the bowl. #
Finally, after the glacier had seemingly melted and grown back a time or two I was surprised to here my dear wife say, “Well we better go if we’re going to catch the movie”. #
Reprieved, and now feeling a little guilty I apologized to the old gal by saying, “Mrs. Johnson, I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts – let me run downstairs to the gift shop and get you some more.”
“Oh Honey” she said, “That’s OK, I can’t eat them anyway – I just like sucking the chocolate off of them”.
Aack!